Hello everyone!
I have been for a few years in a weird and self contradictory situation. I am an atheist and no, I have not come here for trolling. I have come to ask you for help. I was brought up Christian, but my parents and I were never that religious. I decided that the Bible was not true and moved on to other beliefs. I kind of went through every new age stuff there is out there.
After a few years I gave up on everything, every belief I had and decided to live only on what I knew for sure. I didn't know God for sure either, so I've been calling myself an atheist ever since. I have read some passages in the bible. Mostly the bad ones. I just can't believe in anything that is in there. Children being killed for disobeying and what not and the whole concept of Jesus paying for our sins instead of God forgiving us without having to torture someone pure and innocent. I just can't accept any of that.
However, after I gave up on all the things I used to believe in, this feeling hit me. I could feel it in my heart, even now while writing this. A few months later, I ran randomly into someone on youtube who kind of made me a believer again. I still couldn't understand why the Bible was the way that it is, but I prayed and asked for forgiveness. That feeling would get stronger and stronger, but after a month or so I gave up again on my belief. I would not even be here if I didn't have that feeling... It gets overwhelming. I feel like some pieces are missing. I feel the need to surrender to God. However, faith doesn't work for me and my mind won't let me have faith in anything. I also doubt prayer works. I don't see any possible way God can intervene and change things only for our sake. It can change you, but it can't change the environment we live in.
I can't even say the words "Praise the Lord" or "God" out loud, but when I listen to songs about Jesus and God I feel pretty happy and feel the need to pray. Once I have done that, I feel weird and self contradictory. I've been living like this for over a year now and I just don't know what to do. I go out and criticize anything related to God, but when this feeling hits me, I go back to Him.
I wanted to create my own God, to imagine mine, so that it wouldn't have anything to do with the Bible or any other religion. I just can't. My heart / feeling is asking for Jesus.
Sorry for the very long post, but I had to get it all out of my head or better said my heart. Any ideas how to either remove that feeling - which I have been trying for so long - or to turn a "doubting machine" like me into a believer, which I now find 100% impossible? :gah
I have been for a few years in a weird and self contradictory situation. I am an atheist and no, I have not come here for trolling. I have come to ask you for help. I was brought up Christian, but my parents and I were never that religious. I decided that the Bible was not true and moved on to other beliefs. I kind of went through every new age stuff there is out there.
After a few years I gave up on everything, every belief I had and decided to live only on what I knew for sure. I didn't know God for sure either, so I've been calling myself an atheist ever since. I have read some passages in the bible. Mostly the bad ones. I just can't believe in anything that is in there. Children being killed for disobeying and what not and the whole concept of Jesus paying for our sins instead of God forgiving us without having to torture someone pure and innocent. I just can't accept any of that.
However, after I gave up on all the things I used to believe in, this feeling hit me. I could feel it in my heart, even now while writing this. A few months later, I ran randomly into someone on youtube who kind of made me a believer again. I still couldn't understand why the Bible was the way that it is, but I prayed and asked for forgiveness. That feeling would get stronger and stronger, but after a month or so I gave up again on my belief. I would not even be here if I didn't have that feeling... It gets overwhelming. I feel like some pieces are missing. I feel the need to surrender to God. However, faith doesn't work for me and my mind won't let me have faith in anything. I also doubt prayer works. I don't see any possible way God can intervene and change things only for our sake. It can change you, but it can't change the environment we live in.
I can't even say the words "Praise the Lord" or "God" out loud, but when I listen to songs about Jesus and God I feel pretty happy and feel the need to pray. Once I have done that, I feel weird and self contradictory. I've been living like this for over a year now and I just don't know what to do. I go out and criticize anything related to God, but when this feeling hits me, I go back to Him.
I wanted to create my own God, to imagine mine, so that it wouldn't have anything to do with the Bible or any other religion. I just can't. My heart / feeling is asking for Jesus.
Sorry for the very long post, but I had to get it all out of my head or better said my heart. Any ideas how to either remove that feeling - which I have been trying for so long - or to turn a "doubting machine" like me into a believer, which I now find 100% impossible? :gah