Help getting through to my wife

[stratguy]

Hello everyone,
I have previously posted about this on a marriage forum however the views over there are not really christ centered and mostly point towards getting out of it doesn't work...

I would like to know if anyone has gone through similar situations with their spouse and how they were able to break through.

My wife has a "different" temper. I say different because everyone has a temper to some degree right? But her's seems to not turn off as quickly when it flips on and the amplitude is often way over what the norm would be in a similar situation. During this time she will chew anyone of our heads off. If we then go somewhere, parent's etc, she calms down and the switch turns off. I can see this all the way back to our dating times 10+ yrs ago but I chose to ignore it and I would love to change it somehow.
I know I may need to look at it differently so hence I am asking for advice.

As an example I spend the better part of 3 days fixing up our daughters (2) bedroom and was doing the finishing (door trims ect) on Saturday to get it done. She helped me all morning to get this done and I loved that she did because I needed it. Then the afternoon came and it was time to do the final touches (filling, painting holes) once that was done I had to clean up and wanted to organize their furniture. I first started to clean the basement area which had been the workshop for cutting the trim so I cleaned it all up, vaccuumed all great. Then I came to the room and vaccuumed it all up ect. She had mentioned earlier that she had a headache (she gets headaches often), I empathized with her about that but when I was done vaccuuming she went by in a rage because I was vaccuuming while she had a headache and that I didn't care etc etc.. I told her I was sorry but I needed to get the room finished but she didn't "hear" me. So the rest of that afternoon and into the evening, anything I or the kids would do was a direct attach on her brining on the rage each time...
So later that night it was time to put the kids to bed, after taking her nags and complaining all day I forgot to put a pull up on the baby when I put her in her crib, she was quick to remind me of it and that I can't do anything right. I brushed it off to her as my "forgetful" mind as I was getting tired of being nagged, especially after working so hard to fix this room up. But she jumped and began saying things that I wouldn't like to say or be said at me. I finally snapped just second and said a little bluntly and loudly (I never dare yell at her or talk to her the way she does to me) "Hey, i've been trying to take this all day there so stop" ouff that was a bad move. She gave me the silent treatment all night.

Ok so that is the perspective, i hope I can find someone that has gone through something like this... I know I should start by praying about it and perhaps checking myself first (i have issues too) but this behaviour is soo determental to the kids, she naps at them like this often as well and I can see it affecting their confidence, self esteem etc... she loves them to death but doesn't care when the rage is on. I've expressed at times how WE need to try and be more tolerant with them etc. I think of these conversations all the time when checking my behaviour with them but for her it's like in one ear out the other, nothing sticks...

Thanks for any help you can provide, i don't know what to do!!

 

[phantom309]

I would maybe just start off by sitting down for a good long talk and tell her exactly how you feel about everything.She may not like it,but something definitely needs to be said.You cant be expected to bottle up all of your frustration while she feels free to lash out.Its just not fair.

There may also be something bothering her that she hasnt discussed..something that may be affecting her mood swings.Hopefully this would come out in conversation or if directly asked but often it isnt that easy.

If talking fails,you may just have to put your foot down and butt heads with her when that behavior starts.I dont like to encourage people to argue,but sometimes enough is enough and people get so carried away that the only available option is to do battle so to speak.Unfortunately rational thinking doesnt always prevail,and when there is no consequence for poor behavior it serves only to strengthen the resolve of the offending party.She wont like it one bit,and might give you the silent treatment but I would personally take that over trying to play mr nice guy while enduring the rants and barbs.

I would be especially disturbed about the effect its having on the kids.They need to know someone is on their side and speak up for them when theyre wrongfully treated.

 

[stratguy]

I suppose this has been going on for so long that it's going to be hard to break. I tried that once a few months ago when I felt she was being unfair to our oldest, can't remember why, but I called her on whatever it was and she flipped to the point of threatening to leave.
I had started to read up a little and began calling her out when I felt it didn't make sense, not loudly or arrogantly but just as we speak any other day to let her know that I didn't really agree but then she started to say that I was always second guessing her. The funny thing is that she does it to me all the time, when I do something that she doesn't agree with, re: the kids, she has no problem telling them or me that I'm not making sense or whatever.
What makes it worst is that this behaviour is random, for days everything is great loving and normal but whatch out for that one little bitty thing that will just throw her into a rage for hours on end.
Here's another example; we're driving home from picking me up at work and our 6 yr old tells on her 8 yr old sister that she hit her or something a while back. Now I know that it's not right to hit each other and this one does that a fair bit to her. But where I would have settled with a to the point talk with her and perhaps a time out in her room, my wife starts; you should spend the rest of the night in your room!, a few minutes later (as if she's so angry and still been sizling over it), I should make you stay in your room until the weekend, then a few minutes later (still just as enraged as the 5 minutes before), you're going to end up staying home from the church event we're supposed to take you to (2 oldest girls going to a church event out of town)...
Like im thinking, get over it... I was over that like seconds after it started and for her it's like an increased amplitude the more time goes by. Like before that it was just great conversation as usual and blam...

 

[Adullam]

Hello everyone,
I have previously posted about this on a marriage forum however the views over there are not really christ centered and mostly point towards getting out of it doesn't work...

I would like to know if anyone has gone through similar situations with their spouse and how they were able to break through.

My wife has a "different" temper. I say different because everyone has a temper to some degree right? But her's seems to not turn off as quickly when it flips on and the amplitude is often way over what the norm would be in a similar situation. During this time she will chew anyone of our heads off. If we then go somewhere, parent's etc, she calms down and the switch turns off. I can see this all the way back to our dating times 10+ yrs ago but I chose to ignore it and I would love to change it somehow.
I know I may need to look at it differently so hence I am asking for advice.

As an example I spend the better part of 3 days fixing up our daughters (2) bedroom and was doing the finishing (door trims ect) on Saturday to get it done. She helped me all morning to get this done and I loved that she did because I needed it. Then the afternoon came and it was time to do the final touches (filling, painting holes) once that was done I had to clean up and wanted to organize their furniture. I first started to clean the basement area which had been the workshop for cutting the trim so I cleaned it all up, vaccuumed all great. Then I came to the room and vaccuumed it all up ect. She had mentioned earlier that she had a headache (she gets headaches often), I empathized with her about that but when I was done vaccuuming she went by in a rage because I was vaccuuming while she had a headache and that I didn't care etc etc.. I told her I was sorry but I needed to get the room finished but she didn't "hear" me. So the rest of that afternoon and into the evening, anything I or the kids would do was a direct attach on her brining on the rage each time...
So later that night it was time to put the kids to bed, after taking her nags and complaining all day I forgot to put a pull up on the baby when I put her in her crib, she was quick to remind me of it and that I can't do anything right. I brushed it off to her as my "forgetful" mind as I was getting tired of being nagged, especially after working so hard to fix this room up. But she jumped and began saying things that I wouldn't like to say or be said at me. I finally snapped just second and said a little bluntly and loudly (I never dare yell at her or talk to her the way she does to me) "Hey, i've been trying to take this all day there so stop" ouff that was a bad move. She gave me the silent treatment all night.

Ok so that is the perspective, i hope I can find someone that has gone through something like this... I know I should start by praying about it and perhaps checking myself first (i have issues too) but this behaviour is soo determental to the kids, she naps at them like this often as well and I can see it affecting their confidence, self esteem etc... she loves them to death but doesn't care when the rage is on. I've expressed at times how WE need to try and be more tolerant with them etc. I think of these conversations all the time when checking my behaviour with them but for her it's like in one ear out the other, nothing sticks...

Thanks for any help you can provide, i don't know what to do!!

This is a common spiritual condition in many women. They need for God to break them in order to become submitted to authority. I call it the "Eve syndrome".

What worked for my wife was that I just gave her to God and didn't interact with her for nine days. The kids didn't even notice, as this is not the same as the "silent treatment". Tell her you are giving her to God to deal with and then do just that. Expect God to intervene...and He will.

Many women have control issues where they had a domineering mother and a passive dad. Or else, the women has been abused at the hands of men and refuses to consider submission towards anyone...even her own husband.

The verse that finally did it for my wife was..

Wives be submitted to your husbands in ALL things as unto the Lord.

Eph_5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Eph_5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.


My wife saw that I had given up trying to talk sense into her...so I just refused to interact with her in her rebellious state. She found those verses on her own. But it took 9 days. When I came home on the 9th day, expecting the same sort of thing...she broke down at the door and cried out for forgiveness. I immediately forgave her of course!

Since then we have not had ANY incidences of rebellion on her part. This was 3 years ago.

May the Lord bless you and your family.

John

 

[stratguy]

This is a common spiritual condition...

Hi, thank you for this information. As I mentioned it's not often but when it happens I start looking for help again. Your suggestion appears to be a very good one and I can adapt it to my specific situation...
Some time ago our communication regarding the things of God for some reason became few and far between and I think I am part of the reason that is. I seem to have a hard time talking about God or things of God with people since a few years after I became a Christian. That I really don't know why?? I guess that's a topic for another thread but could tie into this. I am going to try and make an effort to talk more openly about God with her which could help make sense of the moment where I would tell her that I am "giving" her to God.

I have issues that I need to deal with as well and I am waiting for approval to the Men's locker to begin talking about some of them... so i know she's not the only cause for this but do feel like her behaviour requires much quicker addressing since it's affecting our family dynamic tremendously!!

 

[handy]

Wow...I've thought and thought as to how to address the suggestion that you refuse to talk to your wife for up to and beyond 9 days if necessary....

I'll just settle with the fact that I strongly disagree that this is the way to resolve this very real issue in your marriage.

I have anger issues as well, and I also suffer from migraines. My husband discussed the issue with me...in a loving manner...when I wasn't already deep in anger about something. We also looked into how the migraines were affecting my life as well. I urge you to have her go to the doctor regarding the migraines...there is a lot that can be done for them.

As for the anger issues, we worked out...again not when I was angry about anything...how to diffuse my own anger when I started in on a rage. Usually the kitchen timer comes out and we all just sit for about 10 minutes or so. When I'm calmer then things can be talked out. One thing that he pointed out to me that impressed me more than anything was that I was going to teach my children how to be when they themselves are angry...whether I taught them to be self-controlled or be in a rage...either way they were going to learn from my example. That really helps me keep my temper in check.

Just keep telling her that you do love her, that you by no means think you're "perfect" yourself, and that you know she wants a happy home as well.

Goodness...I think love and talking things out would be a far, far, FAR better approach than to ignore her for 9 days...

 

[Danus]

....................
Thanks for any help you can provide, i don't know what to do!!

I think we all go through times with a spouse where one is a little more selfish or there is a lack of communication or respect between people.

Not sure how long you have been married, but I've been at now for about 13 years (Two kids). We've had our moments particularly in the beginning as we learned more about each other.

In realestate they say the key to investing is Location, Location, Location. I think we can say that the key to marriage is Communication, Communication, Communication.

Each of you have to be willing to communicate by listening and speaking to each other respectfully. That means treating the other person as you would want to be treated. ...Hum, where have we heard that before? Oh-Well, Armed with thous simple ground rules why not try this little exercise.

Get a stick. Not too big, just a small stick that neither one of you could possibly kill the other with. Then get an egg timer. ....or use your smart-phone timer. and finally each of you will need a note pad....and a pencil ...each.

Set the timer for 10 min. 10 MIN!. One of you hold the stick and and the other takes notes. The one holding the stick is the one who get's to speak. The other person MUST only listen and take notes on what the speaker is saying.

Then trade off, one get's the stick the other takes notes.

After each 10 Min session you each take turns relaying what the other person said. Try it. It's not magic, but it's a great way to develop communication skills. My wife and I have dome this early on and it was kind of fun.

If there are other deeper issues of anger control, or something else, this won't work, but it will bring those issues up and I'd say if you can't get through this exercise you have a deeper communication problem that needs attention.

 

[stratguy]

Wow...I've thought and thought as to how to address the suggestion that you refuse to talk to your wife for up to and beyond 9 days if necessary....

I'll just settle with the fact that I strongly disagree that this is the way to resolve this very real issue in your marriage.

I have anger issues as well, and I also suffer from migraines...

I am sooo glad to find someone who is going /has gone through pretty much the same thing, thank you for responding!!

I'll tell you that i've asked her to get checked but she like I sometimes doesn't really like seeing the doc for issues. It tool like 10 years for me to convince her to ask the doc about debilitating pain in her hip where the doc diagnosed she has a rare type of arthritis... but I will try to push her a little more on the headaches. She seems to be worst during "That" time of the month so she probably just resolves it to being caused by it.
I would really love to talk to her about the anger issues but she gets offended and mad so fast when I start bringing something up it's rediculous. I have long ago resolved to never address things with her beacause it's a fight every time or it hurts her so much. Although she's really quick to address my flaws. I can't say that I don't suffer from a temper issue as that would be false. I can admit that I can sometimes loose it but to soo much of a lesser degree and my anger lasts minutes (rarely gets to double digits). But she has said in her rages that ohh you can get mad all you want but as soon as I get mad i can't etc... I think maybe we disagree on what is reasonable reasons to be angry where to each of us they are totally valid.

I want to try and resolve my issues before addressing her's since I don't feel right talking to her about her issues and having some myself. Do you think if I took some time to pray for her and our situation for say the next few weeks and then try to talk about it would be a good idea, and during the conversation it would be better to make it a team effort that we both have to try and have better control of our tempers?? Would you say that this could have worked for you?

For some reason my situation always seems bleaker than others because mine is never open to discussion and shuts down so easily...

Any idea how long it can take to get access to the locker rooms? I requested access when I created my profile but nothing yet. Looking for some help / advice with a personal problem that probably belongs more in the men's forum...

Thanks.

 

[stratguy]

I think we all go through times with a spouse where one is a little more selfish or there is a lack of communication or respect between people.

Not sure how long you have been married, but I've been at now for about 13 years (Two kids). We've had our moments particularly in the beginning as we learned more about each other.

Hi,

13yrs +/-, 4 kids...

I think your idea is great. I must say though that from all these years of suppressing my feelings and walking on eggshells I don't really express what I feel all that well. I think i've conditioned myself so as to not disrupt the "normality" of at least the time when there aren't issues... I know it's my fault for not developing the communication right from the start... she did the same when we were dating and things didn't go her way. Freekouts, guilt trips when I wanted to go do things with my friends etc...

will try somehow though!!

 

[handy]

Stratguy,

You know, I have to say that I didn't disagree completely with John's post...just the suggestion that one refuse to speak to someone...I do agree that at the heart of your wife's issues is the lack of submission and wanting to be in control. It sounds as if she has been successful for many years in being able to use bad behavior to control those around her and get what she wants.

You controlling your own anger is important...but don't wait until you have it resolved before working with your wife on this...because it most likely will never be resolved...not with the way things are now. Probably at the heart of your own anger issues is the deep seated frustration and bitterness of being controlled by your wife through her bad behavior.

I think Danus' idea of the stick and the timer is a good one for dealing with "issues"...but when dealing with controlling behavior it might need some tweaking. However, it will be a good gauge as to whether or not she is willing to recognize that she is using bad behavior to control you and others. If you approach her with the idea that you are concerned that anger is too much of an issue in the house and you want to talk over how each of you can work on being more self-controlled by having a set time to express concerns...and she starts throwing a fit...then you know that she wants to keep the anger as a control mechanism.

If that's the case...and given this "she did the same when we were dating and things didn't go her way. Freekouts, guilt trips when I wanted to go do things with my friends etc..." it most likely is...then no matter how much you get your anger issues under control...it won't impact her behavior.

Walking on eggshells is no way for a man to lead his house. I would worry especially for your kids. Any sons are not learning how to be a godly husband and father...any daughters are learning how to control others through bad behavior.

If the real issue is control rather than anger...you very well may need to bring in another person...if she won't go to counseling, then perhaps a pastor or spiritual mentor...following through on the steps our Lord set out in Matthew 18:15-16. Someone who can help mediate the situation.

At the end of the day though...the best way to stop her controlling others through bad behavior is to simply stop being controlled by it. If she keeps on going on and on about something, simply say "Enough, you need to stop now...if you don't we're leaving for a while until you can get yourself back under control" and then take the kids out for some ice cream or something.

 

[stratguy]

Stratguy,

You know, I have to say that I didn't disagree completely with John's post...just the suggestion that one refuse to speak to someone...I do agree that at the heart of your wife's issues is the lack of submission and wanting to be in control. It sounds as if she has been successful for many years in being able to use bad behavior to control those around her and get what she wants.

She has definitely been successful for years and it's probably second nature to her now. I know it's second nature of me to let it slide, i've always been like this though even before we met. I never liked to stir the pot so to speak!

You controlling your own anger is important...but don't wait until you have it resolved before working with your wife on this...because it most likely will never be resolved...not with the way things are now. Probably at the heart of your own anger issues is the deep seated frustration and bitterness of being controlled by your wife through her bad behavior.

I do think i've got some built up bitterness towards her for various reasons, including the anger. There can be other things that I would say that have bothered me now or in the past to some degree.
I know this may be inconcievable but when we had our kids I wasn't always keen on having 4. Though I love them to death and wouldn't trade them for the world I find that the more we had the more stress it placed on us as a couple and there is also the fact that the older kids end up missing out on things because of the younger ones. Just simple things like letter the older ones go play outside by themselves becomes a task for us because the younger one wants to follow... things like that. For me personally it has been a challenge because I can see that because of the children I am less "permitted" to go do things on my own as well. I usually have to wait until they are in bed etc. I "Never" just go out to do stuff not that I have much I like to do without the family but it is always a guilt trip when I do. I can feel this getting a little better now that they are growing up but still feel the effects.
Other simple things that she just overrides me on like pets, I always said that I didn't want pets anymore as we have had a few cats, fish, 1 dog, hamster, guinea pig (not all at the same time) but I just found that these were extra stressers for me and didn't want to bother. Knowing that the kids love them and benifit from the friendship pets give them I allowed us to get a cat like 2 years ago in lieu of a dog since dogs are way more responsibility and stress. That was only after all of them tormenting me until I caved. So that was fine for a while then they start bugging for a dog again, bug and bug and bug, to the point that my she would almost get mad at me because I didn't care about what they wanted... so again I said ok lets get one more cat, they were thrilled and promised they would never bug me for a dog... more recently, here we go again, bug bug bug for a dog, ohh you don't care what we want your selfish etc etc so there, I cave in and allow a small dog. He's great the kids love him and I'm slightly ok with it since he is a good dog but anyway...

I think Danus' idea of the stick and the timer is a good one for dealing with "issues"...but when dealing with controlling behavior it might need some tweaking. However, it will be a good gauge as to whether or not she is willing to recognize that she is using bad behavior to control you and others. If you approach her with the idea that you are concerned that anger is too much of an issue in the house and you want to talk over how each of you can work on being more self-controlled by having a set time to express concerns...and she starts throwing a fit...then you know that she wants to keep the anger as a control mechanism.

I agree that she may not even want to do this but I am willing to build up to this suggestion.

If that's the case...and given this "she did the same when we were dating and things didn't go her way. Freekouts, guilt trips when I wanted to go do things with my friends etc..." it most likely is...then no matter how much you get your anger issues under control...it won't impact her behavior.

This is what I have issues with, no matter how many times the subject does come up, weather it's a short statement she makes like "boys i really need to smarten up with them..." she does have these moments when she feels real bad for treating them bad and even cries about it. I wonder if these would be good moments to, rather than console her with "you're doing a good job" or "you are a good mom" to bring up some type of suggested plan where we could improve??

Walking on eggshells is no way for a man to lead his house. I would worry especially for your kids. Any sons are not learning how to be a godly husband and father...any daughters are learning how to control others through bad behavior.

I really worry about this as well, the kids are definitely picking up on this and I see them using the same tactics. She gets really mad at them when they pull this stuff and many times I feel like screeming at her "they're acting exactly like you do sometimes"

If the real issue is control rather than anger...you very well may need to bring in another person...if she won't go to counseling, then perhaps a pastor or spiritual mentor...following through on the steps our Lord set out in Matthew 18:15-16. Someone who can help mediate the situation.

I would hope that if I made it to the point of suggesting counselling she would agree but I would be naive to think she would. She is a very intraverted person and I would beleive the mere suggestion would crush her into confirming the feeling that she's no good and can't do anything right... she will often tell me stuff like that.. "well im not good at anything anyway etc" the manner in which she says these statements is most of the time almost a joking but sometimes I wonder if she really feels that way? I wouldn't know where to start to help her overcome these feelings... prayer is the only way I think I could as I am in no way a psychologist.

At the end of the day though...the best way to stop her controlling others through bad behavior is to simply stop being controlled by it. If she keeps on going on and on about something, simply say "Enough, you need to stop now...if you don't we're leaving for a while until you can get yourself back under control" and then take the kids out for some ice cream or something.

That is something I will keep trying to accomplish. Sometimes when she's really mad she will leave the room and lock herself in the bedroom or basement. When she does this I hope it's because she want's to remove us from her rage but another side of me thinks (and I think this is the real reason) she want's us to pay more dearly for offending her by leaving! Since she threatens to leave often when she is in rage I think she uses that as a control mech to show us that she could just as well use the front door instead of the bed room door...

Well that was alot of expressing, I hope im not boring anyone and really appreciate the help and prayer anyone can provide!!

 

[highlife]

I think the modern church has removed the teeth that the spouse in rebellion can experience since they know that the spouse they are abusing will not get the support of the church to divorce them unless some VERY specific things happen.

Generally there are no consequences for the spouse in rebellion or the one that is sinning because the chruch will never support the ultimate consequence and that is a divorce and even if they did the spouse in rebellion knows that the church will drag it out for years before someone finally concedes that a divorce is in order and the wronged spouse is out all thoes years they could have been in a blessed relationship with someone else. This is another reason why the modern church is loosing credibility. They have no acceptable remedys to these sorts of situation so people instead choose to do it on their own.

There were more remedys to these sorts of situations in the OT than there is in modern church. We have not seen this situation play out in our church yet but if/when it does I will be curious to see how it plays out and the pastors credibility will be at stake if he allows the spouse in rebellion to wreck the other spouses quality of life for more than a few months.

 

[handy]

I don't think the church can support divorce unless adultery comes into the picture.

However, there is a lot to be said for a separation if one spouse becomes "unlivable". And...I think that there would be justification in your case to separate if your wife is unwilling to work on her control issues.

Separation, with the idea that it is a time for the husband and wife to work out serious issues and then move back in to build a better marriage, is not unBiblical at all and can lead to a much stronger marriage. My own folks separated for a time when I was in high school and their marriage became much stronger and happier and they were married for over 50 years before my Dad passed away.

Perhaps, if your wife faces living without you and the kids for awhile, it might make her a little more willing to face up to the fact that her controlling is no longer going to be tolerated and help her realize that she needs to develop a different way to interact with you and the kids.

Something to discuss with your pastor at any rate.

 

[highlife]

I don't think the church can support divorce unless adultery comes into the picture.

However, there is a lot to be said for a separation if one spouse becomes "unlivable". And...I think that there would be justification in your case to separate if your wife is unwilling to work on her control issues.

Separation, with the idea that it is a time for the husband and wife to work out serious issues and then move back in to build a better marriage, is not unBiblical at all and can lead to a much stronger marriage. My own folks separated for a time when I was in high school and their marriage became much stronger and happier and they were married for over 50 years before my Dad passed away.

Perhaps, if your wife faces living without you and the kids for awhile, it might make her a little more willing to face up to the fact that her controlling is no longer going to be tolerated and help her realize that she needs to develop a different way to interact with you and the kids.

Something to discuss with your pastor at any rate.

A separation does not enable you to move on and will just exasperbate any sexual frustration. It really is a loosing situation and not a true remedy if the problem last longer than a few months. Even if you resist the temptation to cheat or go forward with the divorce your quality of life will be trashed.

Sometimes going by the OT seems like a better deal to me.

 

[handy]

Sometimes going by the OT seems like a better deal to me.

What exactly in the Old Testament is going to help you in your situation?

 

[Nikki]

I just skimmed through the replies so forgive me if this has already been mentioned, but has she ever been diagnosed with depression or anxiety? Her outbursts of anger, headaches and wanting to sleep are ALL what I experienced. I was awful to be around! I've gone through this off and on since I was a teen. I've had to be on meds for a year, then off for a year or 2 and then out of nowhere, I have another "setback".

She really needs a full medical evaluation. A lot of people may disagree with me and say she just needs prayer. Sure, prayer is great and I am always willing to pray and ask for prayer, but that's not always the only answer. She may really have a medical/psychiatric problem.

 

[highlife]

What exactly in the Old Testament is going to help you in your situation?

Ot people had multiple wives concubines and slave girls now the modern church jumps down people's throats over a piece of paper just sayin some times I wonder if I'm reading the same bible as the church

 

[handy]

Opps! Sorry, Stratguy, I thought Highlife was you for a bit...didn't read who wrote the response...

As for separation...it worked for my mom and dad...I did the math and they were married, happily, for 29 years after their separation.

Their separation lasted for about three months...long enough for them to realize that they were both at fault. It started out each blaming the other for being in the wrong. After they had time to a: see what life in a broken home would be really like and b: realize how much each person's own actions were contributing to their problems. They were able to work things out with a minister of a church...even though they weren't going to church at the time.

Stratguy, perhaps separation would work for you, perhaps not. And most certainly it would be best if you and your wife could work this out without a separation.

I do agree with Nikki, that a good medical evaluation is in order for your wife, but I also understand that she's unlikely to have one.

 

[stratguy]

I just skimmed through the replies so forgive me if this has already been mentioned, but has she ever been diagnosed with depression or anxiety? Her outbursts of anger, headaches and wanting to sleep are ALL what I experienced. I was awful to be around! I've gone through this off and on since I was a teen. I've had to be on meds for a year, then off for a year or 2 and then out of nowhere, I have another "setback".

She really needs a full medical evaluation. A lot of people may disagree with me and say she just needs prayer. Sure, prayer is great and I am always willing to pray and ask for prayer, but that's not always the only answer. She may really have a medical/psychiatric problem.

I have thought of bipolar disorder at some points but some of the things didn't seem to fit in there... I welcome the suggestion that she should be medically evaluated for sure though, even perhaps some phsychiatric consult because like you say there could be something real concrete causing this behaviour... i hope to have the chance to bring this out there sometime when she is receptive to such suggestions... thanks!!

 

[modernnihilst]

Both my better half and myself have "hot" tempers. We use the method used by my father with my brothers and I when I was growing up. Get a heavybag and some bag gloves. When she gets in a "rage" hand her the gloves and point to the room where the heavybag is. She goes in there burns off some(not all) of her anger, this part is important she still needs to be upset so she can correctly identify the issue that put her in the rage to begin with(otherwise the problem remains) just let her cool down to the point she can handle a conversation. When I brought heavybag idea into my relationship it took some cajoling on my part to get the better half to accept it but in the end it worked miricales as we barely argue anymore because we got better with out talking skills to eachother.

hope it helps