Help getting through to my wife

[stratguy]

Both my better half and myself have "hot" tempers. We use the method used by my father with my brothers and I when I was growing up. Get a heavybag and some bag gloves. When she gets in a "rage" hand her the gloves and point to the room where the heavybag is. She goes in there burns off some(not all) of her anger, this part is important she still needs to be upset so she can correctly identify the issue that put her in the rage to begin with(otherwise the problem remains) just let her cool down to the point she can handle a conversation. When I brought heavybag idea into my relationship it took some cajoling on my part to get the better half to accept it but in the end it worked miricales as we barely argue anymore because we got better with out talking skills to eachother.

hope it helps

Must provide for interesting conversation when you give a tour of your home to friends eh "so here is the anger management room"... but seriously that's a good idea. I picked out a key thing out of this about arguing... one of my issues is that I don't argue anymore, I don't bother because it will 95 - 99.9% of the time lead to a concrete wall being put up for hours and that gets us no where, I suffer but more importantly the kids suffer as well because when she's ticked off everyone is a target for the smallest reasons. But if I can learn to find the right time to do so perhaps I could develop a proper plan...

 

[modernnihilst]

Must provide for interesting conversation when you give a tour of your home to friends eh "so here is the anger management room"... but seriously that's a good idea. I picked out a key thing out of this about arguing... one of my issues is that I don't argue anymore, I don't bother because it will 95 - 99.9% of the time lead to a concrete wall being put up for hours and that gets us no where, I suffer but more importantly the kids suffer as well because when she's ticked off everyone is a target for the smallest reasons. But if I can learn to find the right time to do so perhaps I could develop a proper plan...

Na not that odd for me, I'm a retired mma fighter and now own a gym so a heavybag(wavemaster makes a reasonably cheap but durable one that has its own base fyi) isnt out of place in my home. As someone who struggles with anger "issues"(I dont have em but people seem to have em with me being angry) sometimes alot of frustration comes from not having a release for the anger. In that case the heavy bag is a good outlet cause it dosent get hurt and it doesnt hit back. Irrational anger(ie angry for no reason and not "cooling off" for long periods of time) generally needs a release of a physical sort. A though just occured to me as I type this but does she get out of the house often? I ask because stir-crazyness may also be a underlying factor if not. Just a thought.

 

[Matthew77ask]

Straguy,

I am having the same issue that you are facing with your wife!
[in Singapore]

Now is 11pm - she had locked our bedroom door and I am sleeping outside in the living room. Why? cos after I ironed the cloths I opened the bedroom door three different times at about 10pm to put her cloths into the room - and for that she was upset cos it woke her up - and she locked the bedroom door and do not let me sleep on a bed...

there are more ... i like to share - and I also like to learn from you and others how to cope - not change her...

 

[pcunite]

I would like to know if anyone has gone through similar situations with their spouse and how they were able to break through.

... SKIP ...

Thanks for any help you can provide, i don't know what to do!!

stratguy,
I complement you for trying to resolve this situation. It is very real to you and I can get a sense of the environment and how it must feel. The good news is that this is a fixable situation. You should know that the one who takes the first step is the one who will bring about change.

The bad news is that you will have to do some changing too. Imagine yourself as not the problem but yet needing to make some minor changes to bring about an awesome marriage. Do you feel up to this? It does not seem fair, but what the Lord did for us was not fair to him either.

Firstly, your wife is having what is called a "selfish outburst" and this creates in you a "love buster". If this continues you both will fall out of love if you have not already. Perhaps it is only your faith or children that are holding you together.

There is something you must start doing with almost 90% accuracy so I'll recommend two books that show you how to do this. Because I'm not a professional I don't know if you only need one book or which one you should read first. I'll list them in the order I think. Please note that you must read them and do what they say for a whole month, maybe even two months before breathing a word to your wife. If you try to "help or change" her you will lose and she'll blow up.

Understand these dynamic's first before you do anything. Read these books!

His Needs, Her Needs - Willard F. Harley
The Five Love Languages - Gary Chapman

 

[Matthew77ask]

stratguy,
I complement you for trying to resolve this situation. It is very real to you and I can get a sense of the environment and how it must feel. The good news is that this is a fixable situation. You should know that the one who takes the first step is the one who will bring about change.

The bad news is that you will have to do some changing too. Imagine yourself as not the problem but yet needing to make some minor changes to bring about an awesome marriage. Do you feel up to this? It does not seem fair, but what the Lord did for us was not fair to him either.

Firstly, your wife is having what is called a "selfish outburst" and this creates in you a "love buster". If this continues you both will fall out of love if you have not already. Perhaps it is only your faith or children that are holding you together.

There is something you must start doing with almost 90% accuracy so I'll recommend two books that show you how to do this. Because I'm not a professional I don't know if you only need one book or which one you should read first. I'll list them in the order I think. Please note that you must read them and do what they say for a whole month, maybe even two months before breathing a word to your wife. If you try to "help or change" her you will lose and she'll blow up.

Understand these dynamic's first before you do anything. Read these books!

His Needs, Her Needs - Willard F. Harley
The Five Love Languages - Gary Chapman

Hi,

I am having the same situation - how do you resolve it.. can u share?
I am happy to come to this forum because I am not alone in facing the situation.
Could not find the first book in Singapore book shop.. so maybe u can help by sharing some pointers from the book.... please please.. thank you

 

[abide]

Hello everyone,
I have previously posted about this on a marriage forum however the views over there are not really christ centered and mostly point towards getting out of it doesn't work...

I would like to know if anyone has gone through similar situations with their spouse and how they were able to break through.

My wife has a "different" temper. I say different because everyone has a temper to some degree right? But her's seems to not turn off as quickly when it flips on and the amplitude is often way over what the norm would be in a similar situation. During this time she will chew anyone of our heads off. If we then go somewhere, parent's etc, she calms down and the switch turns off. I can see this all the way back to our dating times 10+ yrs ago but I chose to ignore it and I would love to change it somehow.
I know I may need to look at it differently so hence I am asking for advice.

As an example I spend the better part of 3 days fixing up our daughters (2) bedroom and was doing the finishing (door trims ect) on Saturday to get it done. She helped me all morning to get this done and I loved that she did because I needed it. Then the afternoon came and it was time to do the final touches (filling, painting holes) once that was done I had to clean up and wanted to organize their furniture. I first started to clean the basement area which had been the workshop for cutting the trim so I cleaned it all up, vaccuumed all great. Then I came to the room and vaccuumed it all up ect. She had mentioned earlier that she had a headache (she gets headaches often), I empathized with her about that but when I was done vaccuuming she went by in a rage because I was vaccuuming while she had a headache and that I didn't care etc etc.. I told her I was sorry but I needed to get the room finished but she didn't "hear" me. So the rest of that afternoon and into the evening, anything I or the kids would do was a direct attach on her brining on the rage each time...
So later that night it was time to put the kids to bed, after taking her nags and complaining all day I forgot to put a pull up on the baby when I put her in her crib, she was quick to remind me of it and that I can't do anything right. I brushed it off to her as my "forgetful" mind as I was getting tired of being nagged, especially after working so hard to fix this room up. But she jumped and began saying things that I wouldn't like to say or be said at me. I finally snapped just second and said a little bluntly and loudly (I never dare yell at her or talk to her the way she does to me) "Hey, i've been trying to take this all day there so stop" ouff that was a bad move. She gave me the silent treatment all night.

Ok so that is the perspective, i hope I can find someone that has gone through something like this... I know I should start by praying about it and perhaps checking myself first (i have issues too) but this behaviour is soo determental to the kids, she naps at them like this often as well and I can see it affecting their confidence, self esteem etc... she loves them to death but doesn't care when the rage is on. I've expressed at times how WE need to try and be more tolerant with them etc. I think of these conversations all the time when checking my behaviour with them but for her it's like in one ear out the other, nothing sticks...

Thanks for any help you can provide, i don't know what to do!!

It seems your wife needs medical attention for those headaches. You say she has them often...Something is not right. I would let her go as soon as possible. Constant headaches is a sign that something is wrong.

 

[Sparkey]

I liked the "get a stick" suggestion because it introduces a more formal setting to the situation. I've heard of a "double lock" that needs to be put on the tongue and the talking stick is a start toward that good habit. Something that I'd like to suggest for your formal talks would be a requirement that before a reply was made, a statement from the other perspective would be made.

If your wife had the talking stick she would not give it to you until you were able to give a summary of what she was trying to say. You'd go back and forth that way, one person speaking, the other person asking questions for clarification (not disputing anything) and the goal would be to understand first before speaking in reply. Then, after the first person agreed they were understood well enough, the stick would change hands and a considered reply would be made. This would help to eliminate rash or hasty words that can strike the heart like little darts of fire.

___________________________________

The other suggestion that I've heard made here, and one that to me seems the better one came from you, that you bring God back into your lives and daily conversation. We are to consider Him in all things. No person or couple masters maturity in one setting, so what you might try with your wife is to introduce the subject in terms of where you would like to go as a couple. Something along the lines of a long term goal.

An analogy that comes to mind is one of a pilot and co-pilot who have charted and planned their course before take off. Then, during the flight they check with the tower and adjust their path for traffic and weather so that almost 90% of the time, they are not on their "real" path, but instead -- for instance, if there were a major weather disturbance, they could choose to navigate around it, still, with constant checking and feedback, they arrive at the destination.

Let your wife know that you need her prayerful help in all things. Show your love in the way you respect her and listen, so that she begins to anticipate your attention with a feeling of hope. Don't tell her that's what you're doing, but the goal would be for her to know that you want her prayerful and considered input more than anything else. When the "rage" starts the reply could be, "I understand that you're angry, but the reaction has too much amplitude (to use your term) and it's difficult for me to get what you're really saying, do you really doubt that I care for you?"

As you know, a gentle answer turns away much wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Continue to encourage her to think about your Father in Heaven in all things and strive to follow His ways.

 

[Sparkey]

Here's another quick thought, no extra charge:
Don't answer, but when's the last time you guys went out on a date?
Life gets real busy with kids but "our time" needs to continue. Make it a real date, where you make the arrangements for the babysitter, maybe get some flowers... you know her, but court your wife's affection. Spend some time on the planning then see where that takes you, right? Let the romantic in you speak to her in new ways.

Okay, that's my 2-cents.

 

[dinoguy]

What bothers me most about this situation is how it is probably affecting your daughters. Much of what we carry into marriage, I believe, is a subconscious picture of what our parents' marriage was. If your daughters are learning that "Mommies scream at Daddies and the children and say mean things to them for no reason or whenever they feel like it" that behavior will probably manifest in your daughters' marriages also, with consequences for them and their children. Maybe this is what your wife's mother was like?

My wife had really bad PMS and would burst out with anger during those times. She said she knew it was irrational and unfair, but she couldn't help herself. Hysterectomy and ovary removal (for fibroids) was the best thing that ever happened for her, she says.

Your wife is basically bullying the 3 of you and needs to stop. Maybe get a small video camera and turn it on quietly when she is having one of her outbreaks so she can see how she looks and sounds?

Actually I think you are being a bit selfish yourself if you let her continue to bully your daughters, because it is emotional abuse.

 

[Matthew77ask]

I agreed with you dinoguy,
The funny thing here is this - with my daughters alone, she is ok - but if she gets mad at me for some reasons - then she will want to take it out on my kids
cos she knows that i love my kids.

over the months past - things have been better - Must be God at work..

 

[iLOVE]

I agreed with you dinoguy,
The funny thing here is this - with my daughters alone, she is ok - but if she gets mad at me for some reasons - then she will want to take it out on my kids
cos she knows that i love my kids.

over the months past - things have been better - Must be God at work..

What God is showing you is just how "Grace" works. If just one parent in the household is saved, God will extend grace into the entire home even if it is out of order. The blood of Jesus has amazing power.