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ShadesOfApril said:
It's a normal reaction that i was very angry after about 13 plus days if being blatantly ignored right? I was so mad. I then apologized several times saying that it came from fear, shock, pain and confusion. I wish I hadn't gotten angry but my logical self says "who wouldn't have?" I just can't believe he could hurt me like this. I really can't believe this is happening.
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Best to save your reactions for when you've had time to cool off and think about it. Of course, I'm not the best example to be saying this. lol I know it's hard.
 
christian1724 said:
Best to save your reactions for when you've had time to cool off and think about it. Of course, I'm not the best example to be saying this. lol I know it's hard.
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I waited over 13 days that's why I finally snapped. I was so understanding but when he ignoring me and told me he was in a bad place but he could post online? And ignore me then too? I got mad. Again i apologized several times and sent a gift.. I just think he might never return because I got angry. He can't take the slightest bit of criticism which is why Ive always been careful with that. He was never mean or abusive in any way he would get hurt feelings. This silent treatment is the only thing that i would consider abusive and then again, I don't know if he's having a nervous breakdown. He also is incredibly sleep deprived. It's been a crazy couple of years for him.. I still dont feel it's an excuse to devastate me. I stood by him during my hard times and his. I would never hurt someone that I care about intentionally or make someone feel like they are nothing. I feel like im nothing. To be seen but ignored its a really bad place to be. Im nervous and it also scares me. It's illogical and mind bending.

I came here hoping someone could explain this to me. Whats happening. Why he did this.. will it be ok etc.. I am in need of answers. I can't work or sleep or concentrate. I might be typing as if I'm all right, but in person or hearing my voice.. you would see and hear a heartbroken and emotionally drained woman.
 
Time has a way of working it's way through and past the temporary things in life, even the deeply painful ones. The temporary ones eventually fade and the permanent parts are strengthened.
Of course, the times of trial are the ones that bring wisdom and endurance. I'm sure you already know that.

Good night and hang tight. God is reliable. People, not so much.
 
ShadesOfApril said:
Hi whoever reads this. I just joined...I joined because I'm in a bad place. I am deeply hurt and was thinking that maybe I needed some support or new Christian friendships...I don't know, I'm really in a lot of pain.
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Welcome
I read your story.
Right now I just need to pray about what to say.

eddif
 
ShadesOfApril said:
Hi whoever reads this. I just joined...I joined because I'm in a bad place. I am deeply hurt and was thinking that maybe I needed some support or new Christian friendships...I don't know, I'm really in a lot of pain.
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Welcome April.

Glad you found us, and I hope you find some new friends.



Be blessed.





JLB
 
ShadesOfApril said:
came here hoping someone could explain this to me.
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Hi,
First, I am sorry that your in so much hurt, especially during the holiday season.
I don’t know that any of us can truthfully explain all of this to you, because it sounds like there are so many dynamics to wrap our minds around. But one thing I picked up on is his reaction to loss.

Everyone reacts differently to loss, and if he had a rough upbringing, he may not allow himself to attach to people for fear of loosing them. In other words, it’s easier to not have a relationship than to risk loosing the relationship and enduring the pain that accompanies loss.

I believe you said it was his Aunt that recently passed? And she was a Mother figure to him? If I understood that correctly, what happened to his Mother? Is it safe to say he experienced some severe tragedy and loss at a very young age? I can only imagine that he feels partially responsible for whatever caused her to not be present in his life, which may explain why he says some of the things he’s said to you in regard to his low self esteem.

Again, we all experience the death of a loved one differently, but I would guess that his recent loss is exposing some deep rooted , unresolved hurt over the loss of his Mother.

While I believe your intentions are good, I get a hunch he is simply overwhelmed in his own grief and he doesn’t have the headspace to help you, even though you are trying to help him.

I don’t like giving advice, but I’ll risk this for you. Take it with a grain of salt and if you find value in it, give it a shot.

Im not being mean toward you, but right now you need to put your needs and feelings aside and just be there for him. Don’t try to fix him, and don’t try to comfort him. Just be there when he needs you and when he needs affection, make sure it’s available when he seeks it. You need to be the strong one for him during this time of great loss in his life.

It’s not a head thing and it sounds like his world is broken and everything in his life is being shaken. And while you mean well, he may not know how to receive the good things you’ve been trying to do for him and it just adds to his confusion.

This doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. And while I know you want to help him through this, he needs to resolve this on his terms. So try and be who he needs you to be during this time and build his trust by showing him as much respect as you can muster, even when he is not being respectable.

I wish the both of you the absolute very best.
 
Hi ShadesOfApril and welcome to CF :wave2

First of all you need not feel like you are a nothing as you have been a worthy friend to him, even in the darkest times of his life.

It seems like he has withdrawn from everyone within a heavy depression he is experiencing from the lose of his Aunt and needs time to process his grieving period. This can take a very long time with some people, especially when he saw his Aunt as a mother figure which seems he never had from his own mother possibly. Right now he is hurt and angry and is having a hard time dealing with life and his own feelings right now. I don't think he is trying to hurt you and purposely ignoring you, but that he has withdrawn within himself and doesn't know how to deal with his lose.

You had mentioned that this is a long distant relationship. Have you spent any time with him face to face when this relationship started? You need to ask yourself, do I really know this man and did God put the two of you together. If your relationship is only long distant phone conversations then many things are hidden that you can not see in the open.

If you want to talk about this more I am only a PM away and what we say will be kept private. You are in my prayers and I know God lead you here for healing.
 
ShadesOfApril said:
It's a normal reaction that i was very angry after about 13 plus days if being blatantly ignored right? I was so mad. I then apologized several times saying that it came from fear, shock, pain and confusion. I wish I hadn't gotten angry but my logical self says "who wouldn't have?" I just can't believe he could hurt me like this. I really can't believe this is happening.
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This, Ma'am, is why it is most important in life to invest in our relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. I know how you feel. I've had people I care about and spent months on end talking to me every day suddenly disappear, and it does make you wonder what you did wrong. But in the end, it's not you; it's them, and the lesson you learn is not to let your heart ever grow dependent upon others. You love them, yes. You make sure to be there for them, yes. You forgive them, without question, for your own emotional and spiritual health's sake and not just for them. But do you set yourself up for getting slammed? No. You invest in your relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ and make HIM the one Person you depend upon.

I know that may sound like preaching at a time when you just want a listening ear, maybe, but I've gone through similar things, and this is the lesson I have learned.

God bless, and welcome to Christian Forums.
 
Hidden In Him said:
This, Ma'am, is why it is most important in life to invest in our relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. I know how you feel. I've had people I care about and spent months on end talking to me every day suddenly disappear, and it does make you wonder what you did wrong. But in the end, it's not you; it's them, and the lesson you learn is not to let your heart ever grow dependent upon others. You love them, yes. You make sure to be there for them, yes. You forgive them, without question, for your own emotional and spiritual health's sake and not just for them. But do you set yourself up for getting slammed? No. You invest in your relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ and make HIM the one Person you depend upon.

I know that may sound like preaching at a time when you just want a listening ear, maybe, but I've gone through similar things, and this is the lesson I have learned.

God bless, and welcome to Christian Forums.
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I wish it were as easy as you make it sound. I'm not doing well...at all. We were saving money together to relocate even. I just can't believe this has happened. I don't know what happened actually. It's scary to be so confused.
 
stovebolts said:
Hi,
First, I am sorry that your in so much hurt, especially during the holiday season.
I don’t know that any of us can truthfully explain all of this to you, because it sounds like there are so many dynamics to wrap our minds around. But one thing I picked up on is his reaction to loss.

Everyone reacts differently to loss, and if he had a rough upbringing, he may not allow himself to attach to people for fear of loosing them. In other words, it’s easier to not have a relationship than to risk loosing the relationship and enduring the pain that accompanies loss.

I believe you said it was his Aunt that recently passed? And she was a Mother figure to him? If I understood that correctly, what happened to his Mother? Is it safe to say he experienced some severe tragedy and loss at a very young age? I can only imagine that he feels partially responsible for whatever caused her to not be present in his life, which may explain why he says some of the things he’s said to you in regard to his low self esteem.

Again, we all experience the death of a loved one differently, but I would guess that his recent loss is exposing some deep rooted , unresolved hurt over the loss of his Mother.

While I believe your intentions are good, I get a hunch he is simply overwhelmed in his own grief and he doesn’t have the headspace to help you, even though you are trying to help him.

I don’t like giving advice, but I’ll risk this for you. Take it with a grain of salt and if you find value in it, give it a shot.

Im not being mean toward you, but right now you need to put your needs and feelings aside and just be there for him. Don’t try to fix him, and don’t try to comfort him. Just be there when he needs you and when he needs affection, make sure it’s available when he seeks it. You need to be the strong one for him during this time of great loss in his life.

It’s not a head thing and it sounds like his world is broken and everything in his life is being shaken. And while you mean well, he may not know how to receive the good things you’ve been trying to do for him and it just adds to his confusion.

This doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. And while I know you want to help him through this, he needs to resolve this on his terms. So try and be who he needs you to be during this time and build his trust by showing him as much respect as you can muster, even when he is not being respectable.

I wish the both of you the absolute very best.
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Thank you for taking the time to reply, but I think you misunderstood somewhere in what I said. He lost her a year and a half ago and I was with him and he appreciated it and told me that I got him through the darkest time in his life. I have been doing everything that you said that I "should". Maybe you misread my post and that's ok... but yes, I did and continued to do everything you said and then after almost our 3rd year he one night kind of lost it. He didn't explain very well and then he sent me an email saying things that were not logical and he "ghosted" me. The nicest guy in the world I thought. Believe me when I say that I didn't ask him to do anything for me. I am a nurturer... that's what Ive been for him. Him leaving in a flash all of this time later and at a very sad time in my life was really strange and cruel. And you suggest I put my heartbreak aside 🤔
 
I don't know your situation and this is just something to ponder...I could be wrong...
Perhaps he needed you...and now he doesn't.
I'm a nice guy...I've gotten used, taken advantage of, and defamed. The one thing I've learned that I have to do if I want to survive is to forgive from my heart, unconditionally.
I've learned that this life is not fair...you can be kind, you get misunderstood, you get tossed to the side, you suffer and your abusers prosper.
And there's nothing you can do about it.
But this is my story...it may not be yours.
 
Norman said:
I don't know your situation and this is just something to ponder...I could be wrong...
Perhaps he needed you...and now he doesn't.
I'm a nice guy...I've gotten used, taken advantage of, and defamed. The one thing I've learned that I have to do if I want to survive is to forgive from my heart, unconditionally.
I've learned that this life is not fair...you can be kind, you get misunderstood, you get tossed to the side, you suffer and your abusers prosper.
And there's nothing you can do about it.
But this is my story...it may not be yours.
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We were together long before his loss. It wasn't that.. thank you for the help. It's a baffling situation. I was having insomnia and bad dreams when the vanishing got into the 2nd and 3rd week. It really did some damage to me. What really makes it shocking is that he never revealed a single abusive trait and that cannot be hidden for almost 3 years together. I had offered him time alone and he never wanted that. He wanted to be with me any time he could. He is/was such a sweet man. This is...I don't know what it is 😔
 
It's going to take you some time to come to terms with this, which is normal.
Merry Christmas! This will be my 18th alone since I lost my family...I got ill from my job.
 
Norman said:
It's going to take you some time to come to terms with this, which is normal.
Merry Christmas! This will be my 18th alone since I lost my family...I got ill from my job.
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You lost your family because of getting ill? Sorry i didn't understand and Merry Christmas to you also. 18 Christmases alone?! I'll have to send you a Christmas greeting on the 25th 🙂 and Im sorry 😕
 
Yeah...that was a really hard one to figure out. But the Lord's been with me through it all. Thanks. I'm sorry that's happened to you, too.
 
ShadesOfApril said:
I wish it were as easy as you make it sound. I'm not doing well...at all. We were saving money together to relocate even. I just can't believe this has happened. I don't know what happened actually. It's scary to be so confused.
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I know it's not easy, at least at first, because it takes a re-orientation of your mind and your life, and at the present time your mind is still likely consumed. My suggestion is simply to pray to God every time your mind starts wandering in that direction, and find good and positive things to think on instead (Philippians 4:8).

And in your prayers keep asking Him to give you a new outlook. And if you can't get your mind off things, ask Him to reveal to you what happened so you can get some closer on it, and ask for the peace that passes all understanding.

See, regardless of what is happening with your male friend, you need to mentally understand that this is a form of spiritual attack against you regardless; one that is stealing your peace from you and causing you to suffer from depression and doubt. Those things are not of God. If you are a Christian, He has not given you a Spirit of Fear of anything. He has given you a Spirit of Love, Power and a Sound Mind, and likewise the Fruit of the Spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, etc.

Understand it as a spiritual attack, and resist it, because when you boil it down that's essentially what it is.
 
Hidden In Him said:
I know it's not easy, at least at first, because it takes a re-orientation of your mind and your life, and at the present time your mind is still likely consumed. My suggestion is simply to pray to God every time your mind starts wandering in that direction, and find good and positive things to think on instead (Philippians 4:8).

And in your prayers keep asking Him to give you a new outlook. And if you can't get your mind off things, ask Him to reveal to you what happened so you can get some closer on it, and ask for the peace that passes all understanding.

See, regardless of what is happening with your male friend, you need to mentally understand that this is a form of spiritual attack against you regardless; one that is stealing your peace from you and causing you to suffer from depression and doubt. Those things are not of God. If you are a Christian, He has not given you a Spirit of Fear of anything. He has given you a Spirit of Love, Power and a Sound Mind, and likewise the Fruit of the Spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, etc.

Understand it as a spiritual attack, and resist it, because when you boil it down that's essentially what it is.
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You are 100% right. I have prayed about this very thing. I can't get into every detail, but you're right. You know, it's really strange living in this world... the world tells me to hate him, play mind games, find other men and that he is a "player" but then my spirit wants to be kind, protective, a faithful friend, reaching out in kindness to him even though he's ignoring me and said basically that he can't be with me because he can't handle ever seeing me hurt.. and when I tell a non- believer that I want to be nice they say that I'll be showing weakness... even women who are Believers say those things about not looking weak... but I'll tell you...I don't find it weak at all. I find it very natural to do as a woman. But then these others make me second guess and think there's something wrong with ME for being soft and gentle and then I get angry and confused and all twisted up in knots!

Like right now thinking about this. I think your post hit home just now. 😠
 
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