Humor Thread

[Judy]

WARNING! This is a real groaner!

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives
paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in
Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their
Senior year in High School. They took their vows to enter the priesthood
early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had
come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was
just a cut above Timothy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal
was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the
present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become
the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In
less time than anyone expected, smoke rose from the chimney at the Vatican
and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic,
Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been
elected Pope.

Antonio was beyond surprise; he was devastated, because, even with all
Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was better qualified. With gall that
shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in
which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and
rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could
not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being
called ... Pope Secola.

 

[Judy]

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there?..
I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
coconut.... why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Why did you try singing the two songs above?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

[Judy]

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The
horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to
remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to
shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do
that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The
race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the
trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the
center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat
embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing
happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it,"
and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over
the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due
to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey
replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or
something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

 

[Jack Lewis]

Having been stranded on a deserted island for 6 months, the Baptist Deacon was thrilled when the navy ship finally discovered him. Ready to leave the shore, the Captain looks and sees three huts, stops and asks the man where are the other two people.

"Oh, there's no one else, it's just me."

"Well, why the three huts?'

"Oh, well, that one," he said pointing, "is where I lived. That one," he pointed to a different hut, "is where I go to church. And that one," he said pointing to the last hut, "is where I used to go to church."

 

[Dreamweaver]

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day and they came to a hole that dog-legged to the left and there was a lake and the green was just on the other side of the lake and was a par 4. Moses told Jesus, on this one Lord you want to hit the ball just before the lake, chip it up on the green and putt it in for birdie. Jesus said no, I saw Jack Nicholas play this hole and he hit it on the green in one and putted it in for eagle. So Jesus haul off as hard as He can and hits the ball and it goes into the lake. Moses says, Lord, I'll go get your ball. This happens three times and the fourth time, Moses says, look Lord, if you don't take my advice this time you can get your own ball. So Jesus hits it as hard as he can and it goes in the lake. So Jesus is down there walking on the water looking for his ball and some other golfers come up to play through and ask Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ" and Moses replies, "no, He thinks He is Jack Nicholas.

 

[Dreamweaver]

why do park on driveways and drive on parkways?

why do you have to pay to get on a freeway?

How do you know when buttermilk is sour?

_____________________________________________

Why did the blonde cross the chain linked fence?

To see what was on the other side.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory
She kept eating all of the "W"s.

Why did the blondes in the back of the pickup drowned when it went into the river?
They couldn't get the tailgate down.

 

[Judy]

Two-Part Question

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $50,000 Question. The
night before the big question, he told the host MC that he desired a
question on American History.

The big night arrived. Bob made his way onstage in front of the studio and
TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest
this show had ever seen. The MC stepped up to the mike.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know
that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $50,000
dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence -- the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed
a question all week.

"Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part
first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which
part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he
was not sure, but American History was his easiest subject, and he played it
safe.

"I'll try the easier part first."

The MC nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half
first, then the first half."

The audience grew silent with gross anticipation...

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

 

[Vic C.]

One day Jesus' secretary came into his office and said, "Sir, you should take some time off from all of your work. Get out and meet your people here. Have a good time." Jesus thought a moment and decided to do just that. So he saved all his work on his Super Computer, shut it down, and went outside.

He had a great time as he walked down the golden streets, shaking hands and signing autographs, but along the way He heard the sound of rip, saw, rip, saw, and noticed sawdust coming from a window of a little shop on a side street. He walked down to the shop and went inside. There He found a bearded carpenter working so hard he was sweating, and the drops of perspiration were running down his face, and mixing with the sawdust.

In his rich melodious voice, Jesus said, "Sir, why are you laboring so hard? You should rest and enjoy yourself." The old man said to Jesus, "Oh, no, please let me continue. You see, I had a son on Earth whose birth was a miracle. My son knew I was a carpenter, and my eyesight being what it is, I thought if he heard me working he would 'find' me."
Jesus stared at the man, and his eyes started to mist. The man stared at Jesus, quizzically.

Jesus said, "Father........?"

The old man said,........"Pinocchio?"

(jokes courtesy of http://www.Ibelieve.com )

 

[Judy]

Conversation!!

"First women says, "I think my 18 hour bra is on it's 19th hour!"

Second woman says, "Well you need a Catholic bra."

First friend, "A Catholic bra?"

Secomd friend, "Yes honey! It holds up the Masses!"

Older woman standing by says, "Would that help me?"

First woman, "Oh no, honey you need a Baptist bra...it lifts the fallen!"

To which I said, "And your reccomendations for me?"

Without missing a beat my friend said, "Honey, you need a Church of Christ bra...it makes mountains out of mole hills!""

 

[Vic C.]

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?

(jokes courtesy of http://www.Ibelieve.com )

 

[Judy]

CHRISTIAN ONE-LINERS

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited -until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."

If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing,
you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don't know why some people change churches;
what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

 

[Vic C.]

Top 25 ways to see if you might be a Country Church, if . . .

1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call to Worship is, "Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting wolves on the Ark.
4. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering"-and five guys stand up.
5. The restrooms are outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't never been in a

hole it couldn't get me out of."
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves."
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
12. A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale."
13. The church directory doesn't have last names.
14. The pastor wears boots.
15. Four generations of one family set together in worship every Sunday.
16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so

their neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash.
17. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
18. Baptism is referred to as "branding."
19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone

calls inquiring about your health and 3 visitors with pies!
22. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
24. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
25. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now, ya hear!"

 

[Judy]

"A Christian couple wanted to get a family pet. They felt it important to own a Christian trained pet. So, they went pet searching. At a kennel specializing in Christian trained pets, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.

When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new dog and his major skills, that they called the dog over and had him show off his Bible fetching ability.

The friends were very impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head."

 

[Judy]

*Government Pipe Specifications*

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic
centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes
of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.
(outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam
or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily
applied at the job site.
N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in
your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the
job site.

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe"
clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long
pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the
entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a
very long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe"
painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts
quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to
specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong
way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or
downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will
flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do
not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one
pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

 

[Vic C.]

Re: Conversation!!

"First women says, "I think my 18 hour bra is on it's 19th hour!"
Second woman says, "Well you need a Catholic bra."
First friend, "A Catholic bra?"
Secomd friend, "Yes honey! It holds up the Masses!"
Older woman standing by says, "Would that help me?"
First woman, "Oh no, honey you need a Baptist bra...it lifts the fallen!"
To which I said, "And your reccomendations for me?"
Without missing a beat my friend said, "Honey, you need a Church of Christ bra...it makes mountains out of mole hills!""

Does that mean that for a Pentacostal bra to work you would have to have a "laying on of hands"??? 8)

(curtesy of 9iron of http://www.ibelieve.com )

 

[Judy]

HR Heaven and Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director
was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"
replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"
said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she
found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went
up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter
waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next
24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent
a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman
paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you're staff..."

 

[Judy]

"AGING WIVES"

"AGING WIVES"

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to become upset and yell. Expressing patience is clearly the superior option. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Donna to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that the dishes aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as
it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Donna used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time
to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Donna is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Donna on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort.

I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause of death is still under investigation.

 

[Judy]

Three Old Ladies..

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

 

[Judy]

The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given question:

Why did God make mothers?
1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3.-Mostly to clean the house.
4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.- God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1.- We're related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2.-They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.- They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?
1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.- His last name.
2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.- My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.- Mothers don't do spare time.
2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1.- About 30 years.
2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest mom?
1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2.- The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3.- She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?
1.- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2.- Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3.- Just her children

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1.- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.- Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1.- She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

And now you know all about Moms!! Have a good one!

 

[Judy]

On the first day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to the field all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years, and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey.

God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

The Monkey said! , "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy,
enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grand-children and
for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained.