I am really having a hard time this Christmas Day. The devil has destroyed my life and marriage. My husband and I just got married a little over 4 months ago. However, we have been in a relationship for almost 15 years. We got together as teenagers so there has been problems with infidelity in the past. I knew before I married my husband that he was seeing another woman. It was destroying us and we almost called off the weddinf. He told me he didn't want to be that kind of person anymore and would stop the affair. However, after we got married he confessed to seeing the other woman again. I was devastated and didn't know what to do. We started marriage counseling and after 3 sessions the counselor recommended we seperate. We did as the counselor said and my husband left our home. He said it's best he leaves because he didn't want to continue living with me and still be cheating on me. He said he thought he could stop but realized he could not. He left and instead of staying with a family member he was seeing the other woman. He told me he missed me after 2 weeks and wanted to work on our marriage but wanted to be sure he was done playing games. 2 weeks after that he came home and told me the other woman texted a positive pregnancy test to his phone while he was a work. He went with the woman to a doctor who confirmed the pregnancy. The other woman told him she has been with no one else and the baby is his. I told him to gather the rest of his belongings and I told him I'm divorcing him. I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I am depressed and humiliated. I found this out a little over a month ago. I have had nothing but time to think and I'm ashamed to admit I still love him. I still want my marriage and he claims he wants our marriage too. He said he is ashamed and does not know how to face me or our family. No one knows but me and his mother. His mom is sick over what has happened. He said he feels bad for walking out on the other woman because he feels it's his responsibility to be there to take care of the child. He said he does not know what would be the right thing to do. Should he work on our marriage and leave the woman to be a single mom? And help her financially and have visitation rights? Or should he stay with the woman for the sake of the child? His mom told him he does not have to live with the other woman to help raise the child if he is indeed the father. She told him he can still be a good father without living in the home. He told me he is not in lovw with the other woman and could never love her like he loves me. Im not sure what to believe at this point. However, the other woman has ran a guilt trip on him and is upset with him because he has not filed for divorce yet. She knew he was married but decided to continue the affair. Now she tells him she is not comfortable with him still being legally married to me and wants him to divorce me. She also wants him to play step father to her first child from a previous relationship. I just can't believe people could be so heartless. I have no children because I wanted to wait until marriage. I feel so stupid and I don't know what to do. My husband said he told this woman he will not marry her and he will not file for divorce at this time. He is suffering from extreme guilt and will not face anyone. Not our pastor, his family, he can barely even can face me. I have to spend Christmas without him while he is with the other woman who is pregnant. I feel as if the other woman is being rewarded. She gets the man and the baby. I wake up alone and can't get outta bed. Why is she being blessed with this child? I know we are not to question God but I don't understand life right now. Am I crazy for possibly wanting to fight for my marriage?
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Husband's Pregnant Mistress
- Thread starter Nikki32
- Start date
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Welcome Dear Sister Nikki32 to our Christian fellowship in Jesus' name. Your problem breaks my heart, and though I have known many husbands being guilty of cheating on their wives, I have not known any attempting to justify it and continuing their affair. Can you really believe he will change even if you were to remain with him and later have children of your own? One of the things we're to watch for is being equally yoked with believers, and though you mention him going to church you seem to hold reference for your walk with our Lord whereas he doesn't; to me that is not equally yoked. May God bless you with wisdom to seek a life that will give you the joy and peace you deserve in Christ. Others may have better advice, but one Christmas lonely would be better in my opinion than suffering an entire life of humiliation which some men seem to think they can subject their wives to. I also believe professional advice from your pastor or counselor will give comfort in making a correct decision.
May God richly bless you to have His very best for your life in Jesus' name.
Welcome Dear Sister Nikki32 to our Christian fellowship in Jesus' name. Your problem breaks my heart, and though I have known many husbands being guilty of cheating on their wives, I have not known any attempting to justify it and continuing their affair. Can you really believe he will change even if you were to remain with him and later have children of your own? One of the things we're to watch for is being equally yoked with believers, and though you mention him going to church you seem to hold reference for your walk with our Lord whereas he doesn't; to me that is not equally yoked. May God bless you with wisdom to seek a life that will give you the joy and peace you deserve in Christ. Others may have better advice, but one Christmas lonely would be better in my opinion than suffering an entire life of humiliation which some men seem to think they can subject their wives to. I also believe professional advice from your pastor or counselor will give comfort in making a correct decision.
May God richly bless you to have His very best for your life in Jesus' name.
dirtfarmer
Member
hello Nikki32, dirtfarmer here
Does he have a baggage car the follows to carry all the baggage that is attached to him or are you going to help carry his baggage? It sounds as if your mind is made up, you are going to stay and hope for the best. What is it that you believe in your heart God would have you do? Sounds as if the lies are continuing. If he will not give you a divorce and spent Christmas with her, sounds as if he has his cake and is eating it also. My opinion is that you would be better off without him.
Does he have a baggage car the follows to carry all the baggage that is attached to him or are you going to help carry his baggage? It sounds as if your mind is made up, you are going to stay and hope for the best. What is it that you believe in your heart God would have you do? Sounds as if the lies are continuing. If he will not give you a divorce and spent Christmas with her, sounds as if he has his cake and is eating it also. My opinion is that you would be better off without him.
I have not made up my mind about staying with him. I could go file for divorce at anytime as could he. However, I never pictured getting married and divorcing so quickly. I also never pictured marrying someone who would betray me like this. I honestly don't know what God would want me to do. I have had talks with God but I am still lost. I do still love my husband and I know feelings don't go away over night. I think I just need more time to figure things out. Right now I'm still in shock that the person I have been in a relationship with since I was 17, could do something like this to me. I know we are not suppose to hate but I feel as if I hate them for what they have done. I feel a child is a gift from God and I feel the other woman is being rewarded for her and my husbands ugly, hurting, noncaring behavior. To walk around with a married man's baby is disgusting in my opinion. To tell people your pregnant and have them congratulate you is disgusting. To tell a man that you want him to leave his wife is disgusting. To cheat on your wife and get another woman pregnant has no words. To leave your wife alone on Christmas Day is disgusting. These people get to be around each other and enjoy life while waiting on their new baby. The whole thing is like something out of a movie. I will never fully understand how they can be rewarded with such a precious gift when I suffer alone. Its not fair that the other woman's happiness has become my misery. It's not fair that my husband tells me he still loves me but treats me like the other woman means so much more to him. Satan is always busy, Satan is proud that he has destroyed my marriage and he is happy that I am hurting. I just feel like giving up.
IncredibleTransformation
Member
It sounds to me like this guy has a sexual addiction. I had a friend who was married to a man for years and then found out he was having a relationship on the side. He had been having it since before they were married. She was devastated. She finally divorced him. I don't think the Lord wants you to live in that kind of a relationship. I would pray and see what the Lord wants. I am also divorced. My husband was not cheating on me but he was very abusive. The Lord told me to get out of the relationship because my husband would eventually kill me. I got out and it was the best thing I ever did. I am now married to the most wonderful Christian man ever, my kids are happy, and I can even have a relationship with my ex but I can't be married to him. This man doesn't seem to want to change at all, so the question is do you want to continue to be hurt over and over again by him? It's your heart but I don't believe that God wants it to be destroyed like this your whole life. God will have other greater plans for you if you allow Him to take control of the situation and your heart. Remember first He is the one that your heart belongs to not some man who is going to use you and hurt you all the time.
Chopper
Member
Hi Nikki. I have been a Baptist Pastor for 40+ years and a Christian Psychologist for 30+ years. I have counseled quite a few folk with similar trials. In pondering your situation, and seeking the help of the great Counselor, the Holy Spirit, my advise is simple. From what you have said, this man that you married just a few months ago, is not to be trusted, period!! There are two sides to this man and I don't believe that he is at all honest with you. If he was honest about his love for you, he wouldn't have spent Christmas with this other woman.
My advise to you is divorce this man as soon as you can. Yea, I know that you have loved him for a long time. If the truth be known, I'll bet that he has always had "someone else" while being with you. Why he wanted marriage is a true insult to you because he never intended to be faithful. Matthew 19 gives you a biblical response to an unfaithful husband....Matthew 19:9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."
Therefore you are free to divorce this person and re-marry a man that God Himself brings into your life. God does have a good man for you to fall in love with and will be faithful to you only. I would suggest that you have "conversations" with IncredibleTransformation or Sandy Zalecki as I know her. She and I have been friends for a long time and she is a wonderful Counselor for women like you.
If you need further advise or help, just ask, I'll be happy to help.
http://christianforums.net/Fellowship/index.php?members/incredibletransformation.8328/
http://christianforums.net/Fellowship/index.php?members/incredibletransformation.8328/
My advise to you is divorce this man as soon as you can. Yea, I know that you have loved him for a long time. If the truth be known, I'll bet that he has always had "someone else" while being with you. Why he wanted marriage is a true insult to you because he never intended to be faithful. Matthew 19 gives you a biblical response to an unfaithful husband....Matthew 19:9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."
Therefore you are free to divorce this person and re-marry a man that God Himself brings into your life. God does have a good man for you to fall in love with and will be faithful to you only. I would suggest that you have "conversations" with IncredibleTransformation or Sandy Zalecki as I know her. She and I have been friends for a long time and she is a wonderful Counselor for women like you.
If you need further advise or help, just ask, I'll be happy to help.
http://christianforums.net/Fellowship/index.php?members/incredibletransformation.8328/
http://christianforums.net/Fellowship/index.php?members/incredibletransformation.8328/
th1b.taylor
Member
Nikki,
Under any other circumstance, I would welcome you to the forums but your hurt is heart breaking and you are so young. Don't worry about the timing of the divorce, it does not really matter. My first wife and I were married on my first return from war. Dollie grew up being misty eyed with me and she stayed with me for an entire six days before she abandoned me.
I learned latter that she was pregnant with another man's baby later but I tried for two and a half years to talk sense to her but she was busy cutting marks on her pistol belt for the men she had had. It turned out, she enjoyed the allotment she received as a result of being an Army Wife. I strongly recommend you listen to Chopper and Incredible Transformation and I almost never recommend divorce but you do not deserve this, it is not from God. God has given your husband the power to love and the power to enjoy sex... he is abusing both, that is Satan's work.
Under any other circumstance, I would welcome you to the forums but your hurt is heart breaking and you are so young. Don't worry about the timing of the divorce, it does not really matter. My first wife and I were married on my first return from war. Dollie grew up being misty eyed with me and she stayed with me for an entire six days before she abandoned me.
I learned latter that she was pregnant with another man's baby later but I tried for two and a half years to talk sense to her but she was busy cutting marks on her pistol belt for the men she had had. It turned out, she enjoyed the allotment she received as a result of being an Army Wife. I strongly recommend you listen to Chopper and Incredible Transformation and I almost never recommend divorce but you do not deserve this, it is not from God. God has given your husband the power to love and the power to enjoy sex... he is abusing both, that is Satan's work.
Jehovah-Rapha
Member
Bless you. I scanned your post. Have you been living an obedient life with the Lord? You mention a 15 year relationship that would not be blessed by the Lord according to numerous verses. My point is, are you aware of God's Word on your relationship? I know many churches are now practicing emphasizing spiritual junk food, and never teaching on separating ourselves from the worlds system, which 1 point would be sexual immorality. So it appears you both started on a quick-sand foundation that cannot sustain you. That being said, have you heard the saying, An indicator of future behavior is past behavior?
I would say if you want to live with a heart continually, repeated broken and stomped on, with occassional flowers and candy for 60 years, and cry until one day you tear ducts are empty, because your cold, bitter, and old, then stay with him. Hopefully you won't bring children into this because you feel they may change him, (like many women do) unless you want them to suffer along with you.
In the meantime, pray for the both of you (even if he does not pray) to receive ears that can hear the Lord, eyes that can see, and a new heart that knows Him. And ask for a true church, that teaches the Whole Word of the Lord.
I would say if you want to live with a heart continually, repeated broken and stomped on, with occassional flowers and candy for 60 years, and cry until one day you tear ducts are empty, because your cold, bitter, and old, then stay with him. Hopefully you won't bring children into this because you feel they may change him, (like many women do) unless you want them to suffer along with you.
In the meantime, pray for the both of you (even if he does not pray) to receive ears that can hear the Lord, eyes that can see, and a new heart that knows Him. And ask for a true church, that teaches the Whole Word of the Lord.
abide
Member
I feel your pain. Cheating can hurt so much. My marriage broke up because of repeated adulterous relationships my ex had with other women. The sad thing is that he professed to be a Christian...then he left the church and secretly continued doing his thing. He had two children from two different women during our marriage. In the end he filed for divorce. When my ex left I cried as though my heart heart would break.
It was heartbreaking for me but in the end I realised that he did me a favour. I have moved on with my life and I have grown more spiritually. ( I had the option of divorcing him before I had my third child) Sometimes we think that divorce is a bad word, but what we as women must never allow is abuse. We must learn that loving ourselves is not wrong.
Love is a choice, so is adultery. People choose to love or be unfaithful. I believe that women who can knowingly get into a relationship with a married man has no love for themselves. How would they feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
Men need to take their marriage vows seriously. I would admonish you to seek God's guidance and continue to rely on him. This is not going to be easy. Dirt farmer has given some very sound advice and I do hope that you will have the courage to do what is in your best interest.
Don't waste your time on someone who does not deserve your love. He has shown that he cannot be trusted....May God bless and keep you. Will keep you in my prayers.
This scripture gave me strength and I do hope that it gives you.
Jeremiah 29.11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm
you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Mike
Member
Nikki, you've received good counsel from fellow believers I know well enough to be certain they would never recommend divorce unless it was the only reasonable resolution. It's extremely rare that I suggest this decision, but you have extreme circumstances. It would be to fully live in denial to keep this man in your life.
As difficult as this will be, you must shake the dust from your feet and move on with the confidence that you are justified in this. Resist the feelings of guilt you are experiencing. If you open yourself to Godly people at your church and fellow believers, you will see that you are viewed as the warrior. He is to blame. I hope he does feel true shame, enough to drive him to his knees and honestly commit his life to Christ. That is between him and the Lord. Do not be shackled by him any longer.
I pray the Lord gives you the strength you'll need to do this and fellow believers to hold your hand through it. I also pray that He one day leads you to a Godly man who will truly love you as Christ loves the Church.
As difficult as this will be, you must shake the dust from your feet and move on with the confidence that you are justified in this. Resist the feelings of guilt you are experiencing. If you open yourself to Godly people at your church and fellow believers, you will see that you are viewed as the warrior. He is to blame. I hope he does feel true shame, enough to drive him to his knees and honestly commit his life to Christ. That is between him and the Lord. Do not be shackled by him any longer.
I pray the Lord gives you the strength you'll need to do this and fellow believers to hold your hand through it. I also pray that He one day leads you to a Godly man who will truly love you as Christ loves the Church.
I'm glad you know how I feel and understand why I'm struggling to end my marriage. My husband is all I know since we have been together since I was 17 years old. I wanted a life with him and I am devastated I wasted all these years of my life to end up hurt and thrown away by my spouse. He claims he is with the other woman for the sake of the child but I don't think that's completely true. He said he feels if he leaves he is turning his back on the unborn child. But he knows he can still take care of his responsibility and not be living with this woman. He makes so many excuses and Satan has really destroyed his mind. Plus the woman is making him feel bad about leaving. He said she wants them to be a family and wants my husband to be a father figure to her other child from a previous relationship. This woman is 27 and my husband is 34. She acts like it's nothing to it, just leave your family and come start a family with me. Nothing good will come to people who do these types of things. God will have the last word.
I'm glad you know how I feel and understand why I'm struggling to end my marriage. My husband is all I know since we have been together since I was 17 years old. I wanted a life with him and I am devastated I wasted all these years of my life to end up hurt and thrown away by my spouse. He claims he is with the other woman for the sake of the child but I don't think that's completely true. He said he feels if he leaves he is turning his back on the unborn child. But he knows he can still take care of his responsibility and not be living with this woman. He makes so many excuses and Satan has really destroyed his mind. Plus the woman is making him feel bad about leaving. He said she wants them to be a family and wants my husband to be a father figure to her other child from a previous relationship. This woman is 27 and my husband is 34. She acts like it's nothing to it, just leave your family and come start a family with me. Nothing good will come to people who do these types of things. God will have the last word.
The woman did not cheat on you he did... He has been lying to her for a good long time.. In my book he is not fit to be a father or a husband ...The satan did not cheat on you this man did..
you do not know what the other says or feels unless she has spoken to you , you only know what he tells you and you already know he is a liar .. quick clean cuts hurt much less then tares
you do not know what the other says or feels unless she has spoken to you , you only know what he tells you and you already know he is a liar .. quick clean cuts hurt much less then tares
JohnDB
Member
Gosh...
The sense of loss after you had invested so much of your time, emotions, and feelings.
I can understand how you would want anything but the reality of the situation. You would like for a possibility of reconciliation to be tangible and real... especially since he is verbally giving you what you wish to hear.
The reality of his actions over the course of time though is exactly the opposite of what he says. He, on some level, might even wish what he is saying to be true. But it just isn't. He knows it too. If he is really pressed he might even admit it. (But not if he thinks that you could hear him or widget reported back to)
My heart goes out to you...
I had a 17 year marriage get thrown away. My son and I limited to weekend visits. My house (that I prized so highly and worked so hard for) sold.
My home was gone and my son forever scarred by having his parents divorced. My best years used and thrown away.
Be glad that you are out now. Get a cheapie divorce and if you want you can sue the pregnant woman for stealing the affections of your husband...and win a big judgment.
So, she can have the guy and the baby but you can have her money.
The sense of loss after you had invested so much of your time, emotions, and feelings.
I can understand how you would want anything but the reality of the situation. You would like for a possibility of reconciliation to be tangible and real... especially since he is verbally giving you what you wish to hear.
The reality of his actions over the course of time though is exactly the opposite of what he says. He, on some level, might even wish what he is saying to be true. But it just isn't. He knows it too. If he is really pressed he might even admit it. (But not if he thinks that you could hear him or widget reported back to)
My heart goes out to you...
I had a 17 year marriage get thrown away. My son and I limited to weekend visits. My house (that I prized so highly and worked so hard for) sold.
My home was gone and my son forever scarred by having his parents divorced. My best years used and thrown away.
Be glad that you are out now. Get a cheapie divorce and if you want you can sue the pregnant woman for stealing the affections of your husband...and win a big judgment.
So, she can have the guy and the baby but you can have her money.
dirtfarmer
Member
hello Nikki32, dirtfarmer here
Remember that God has said "vengeance is mine, I will repay". When God begins to deal with them remember to pray earnestly for them, God will reward you. When God repays it is complete and recognizable to those that have known what has happened. God will reward you for your faithfulness to him with good. It always pays to obey.
Remember that God has said "vengeance is mine, I will repay". When God begins to deal with them remember to pray earnestly for them, God will reward you. When God repays it is complete and recognizable to those that have known what has happened. God will reward you for your faithfulness to him with good. It always pays to obey.
Jethro Bodine
Member
No. You are not crazy.
Unrealistic? Yes.
Since your unfaithful husband has fathered a child with the other woman, he will always have the other woman in his life. Their relationship will never end. And since they are bonded together sexually he will continue to have sex with her when and where he can during visitation times with his child. So be realistic about what continuing to be married to him will be like.
Most likely what will happen is you will be his maid, doing his wash, making him dinners, providing him sex when he's not with the other woman, etc., all the while he lives the carefree dream of his other family on visitation days. It's a loser all the way around. The important thing to remember is even if he wanted to break off the other relationship the simple fact is he will still have contact with the other woman, alone, and he will probably not be strong enough to not sleep with her. Since they have been intimate, the other woman would essentially be your husband's ex. I've heard waaaaay to many work place stories about ex's who have slept with each other after the divorce. That's because sex is such a powerful bonding force between a man and a woman. This situation will be no different.
You're young. Get out now and move on. That would be my advice to you. But only you know every facet and detail of your relationship with him, and with God and what He (God) may be placing in your spirit. I'm just helping you understand what kind of life you're headed for if you stay married to him while he lives his carefree dream life with his other family. And one thing is crystal clear--you have every spiritual right to a legitimate divorce. I'm convinced God is holding the option open for you to choose to divorce him, irregardless of any other thing he may walk you through with him if you choose to keep him.
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Mike
Member
John is a very wise man after God, but I would disagree with this point. I believe it would stand in the way of healing and emotionally breaking free of your remaining feelings for him. I'd suggest fully breaking away entirely. Be done with him.
Indeed, it is impossible for anyone to know the anxiety you have in having to decide to walk away from everything you've known since your teens. In all honesty, it sounds like your own denial led to the position you're in. Choosing to marry him in spite of what you knew of this man's character required denial of the reality. That denial has to end. The Lord will carry you through the valley you will walk through, but healing will come, and it can only come through Him.
I'd love to have you stay with us through this to be encouraged, and so that one day we can rejoice with you when the healing comes. I'll say to you what I've always said to our daughters. Make the man earn you. Beloved, you are a treasure to be treasured. Raise the bar and make men meet that high bar. Do not ever settle for less. You've settled for way too long.
th1b.taylor
Member
This the best answer thus far. My wife is the Treasure that makes life worth while and if you break the slavery he has placed you under and just go praise God and find it in your heart to pray good for his child God will pour out hot coals on the two of them and blessings on you and the child. (Proverbs 25:21-22) I have seen this in my life and God punished the transgressor so badly it broke my heart to see it. And I only pray for bllessings for that person.
Tony Hyman
Member
Oh Boy!This is so in line with Paul's "Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done 20...filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity...envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice...32...they not only continue to do these things but also approve of those who practice them."(Rom 1:28-32)
I will strongly walking away from this "wickedness" and "evil" as in yesterday Nikki.There is no way that things can continue as they do from a Christian view as pointed out by Chopper .Unless there are some other reasons compelling you to stay married?As a Christian we are commanded to Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."(Mt 22,37)Don't waste your love and talents that God has given you on something as clearly "evil" as this.
I will strongly walking away from this "wickedness" and "evil" as in yesterday Nikki.There is no way that things can continue as they do from a Christian view as pointed out by Chopper .Unless there are some other reasons compelling you to stay married?As a Christian we are commanded to Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."(Mt 22,37)Don't waste your love and talents that God has given you on something as clearly "evil" as this.