I am so tired and frustrated - Help needed

[Matthew77ask]

I am now 48.. married for about 19 years and have 2 daughters 18 and 16.

My wife is not working but staying at home to do her internet trading.

I wake up every morning at 550am to prepare breakfast for my kids. Then at 620am, I drove them to their schools - total journey time about 1 hour. I start my work at 730am (teaching in a school) and ends about 145pm. Then either I drive to pick my girls up and go home - or I will go home than set off again to pick them later. Either way, once I reached home, I will do the laundry - washing them in washing machines and hanging them out when done- at the same time keeping the dried cloths and folding them.

After I pick my kids from school, I am off to work again (I teach in the evening in another school). I end at 9pm at nite. Once I reached home at 930pm, I need to boil water to make sure that the next day we have enough hot water to drink. by the time I finished everything it is about 10 plus pm. Sometimes I need to take the time to prepare worksheets or marking or set exam papers after that

Amongst all these work - I will have to ensure that the house has enough bread, veg etc to cook and eat. I will need to iron the cloths for my family and do marketing as well.

On Saturdays - I woke up at 5am to go to the market. then I will cut up the meat to small pieces so that that it is easier to cook in the weekdays. I will also cook the lunch for my children as they will be staying at home on Saturday will I go and teach again.

On sunday - I will go to church in the morning, then start to teach again at 2pm ending 9pm.

I am very tired - all these while I am doing this for the past xxx years (I think is about 10 or more). My wife screams at me when things are not done her way ! (but I am doing it).... there is No free time - she even keep the TV remote control and accuse me of watching TV at nite ... (even if I do - it is only for a while from 10pm to 11pm - is it tooooo much?.... after doing sooo much?)

I need your help and support..... to carry on.....:nod

 

[Sam21]

I am now 48.. married for about 19 years and have 2 daughters 18 and 16.

My wife is not working but staying at home to do her internet trading.

I wake up every morning at 550am to prepare breakfast for my kids. Then at 620am, I drove them to their schools - total journey time about 1 hour. I start my work at 730am (teaching in a school) and ends about 145pm. Then either I drive to pick my girls up and go home - or I will go home than set off again to pick them later. Either way, once I reached home, I will do the laundry - washing them in washing machines and hanging them out when done- at the same time keeping the dried cloths and folding them.

After I pick my kids from school, I am off to work again (I teach in the evening in another school). I end at 9pm at nite. Once I reached home at 930pm, I need to boil water to make sure that the next day we have enough hot water to drink. by the time I finished everything it is about 10 plus pm. Sometimes I need to take the time to prepare worksheets or marking or set exam papers after that

Amongst all these work - I will have to ensure that the house has enough bread, veg etc to cook and eat. I will need to iron the cloths for my family and do marketing as well.

On Saturdays - I woke up at 5am to go to the market. then I will cut up the meat to small pieces so that that it is easier to cook in the weekdays. I will also cook the lunch for my children as they will be staying at home on Saturday will I go and teach again.

On sunday - I will go to church in the morning, then start to teach again at 2pm ending 9pm.

I am very tired - all these while I am doing this for the past xxx years (I think is about 10 or more). My wife screams at me when things are not done her way ! (but I am doing it).... there is No free time - she even keep the TV remote control and accuse me of watching TV at nite ... (even if I do - it is only for a while from 10pm to 11pm - is it tooooo much?.... after doing sooo much?)

I need your help and support..... to carry on.....:nod

What is that song,"we are not going to take it any more"? Before you go insane and kill everyone put your foot down and say you have enough and some changes have to happen. Your wife may tell you to "hit the road Jack", however it looks as if you have given in to the point that you could snap,so you are going to have to chose, continue the abuse(and it is abuse) or take the chance of your marriage going down the drain(in a sense it is already down the drain since it seems that you are nothing more than a servant). It is a difficult choice, maybe you could hang in there until the girls are out of HS?

 

[Matthew77ask]

I am not sure that I can just walk out.. I am chinese in the asian culture... walking out of marriage is not one of the common options.

I also felt obligated to my kids and family as well....

of course if this is a job - I would have resigned long a go...

I need strength to carry on....

 

[Mike]

Yes, you do need strength to carry on. I'm not one to condemn those who have had to get out of a destructive circumstance and had no reasonable option besides divorce, but we need to remember how much God hates divorce. We shouldn't be looking for better opportunities to dissolve what God has created. We should be doing everything to avoid it.

There are so many questions that impact your OP. Are you both Christians? Is one a Christians/one not? Neither? When did you first begin to see this attitude of hers? What do you think she would say if she joined her? What would her complaints be.

I'm certainly willing to discuss this with you, but I have to say I'm always conscious that hearing 1 side of the story is just that - 1 side of the story. Conflicts are rarely, if ever, 100% the fault of 1 person. There is virtually always fault to share. I've listened to guys share stories that were very difficult to hear, and I was convinced they had a very legitimate case. Then I heard the other side, and it became clear that it wasn't as the guys had said.

In general, I'll say while you shouldn't be a doormat, your job is to be a Godly husband and do what you can do to fill that roll. I'll stop here, as I'm not sure you're a Christian or not.

 

[Matthew77ask]

Yes, you do need strength to carry on. I'm not one to condemn those who have had to get out of a destructive circumstance and had no reasonable option besides divorce, but we need to remember how much God hates divorce. We shouldn't be looking for better opportunities to dissolve what God has created. We should be doing everything to avoid it.

There are so many questions that impact your OP. Are you both Christians? Is one a Christians/one not? Neither? When did you first begin to see this attitude of hers? What do you think she would say if she joined her? What would her complaints be.

I'm certainly willing to discuss this with you, but I have to say I'm always conscious that hearing 1 side of the story is just that - 1 side of the story. Conflicts are rarely, if ever, 100% the fault of 1 person. There is virtually always fault to share. I've listened to guys share stories that were very difficult to hear, and I was convinced they had a very legitimate case. Then I heard the other side, and it became clear that it wasn't as the guys had said.

In general, I'll say while you shouldn't be a doormat, your job is to be a Godly husband and do what you can do to fill that roll. I'll stop here, as I'm not sure you're a Christian or not.

Yes, both of us are Christians. I was not when we were married - and that became another point for her to quarrel about .. I was not because - at that time - looking at her behavior - why a Christian can be like that. As usual - there are events that God has created that tells me that GOD rules over ALL things... and he is faithful.
God has seen me though my tough economic times - I could not know how to pay my next bill - then the money was in the bank.. and when I lost my job - he found another one for me ... but this ONE - this one - I can't see the works...

OK ... I did --- about 2 years ago, we started some counseling.. she gave up - cos the counselor did not "side" her but he was fair. Then we went to 2=1 marriage ministry. That was the turning point. God put a couple that had a lot a problem before - to lead us... She gave in - then we had some good times after that... (I still do all those things mentioned) now however, it seems to be back again.


I know I cannot change her - not my job anyway - it is GOD's job.
What I need to do is to get strength to learn how to cope.. and live another day...
What she said to me and sms to me were very very depressing....

I will share them another day....

Mike, many thanks for the words - it does help.. and I hope this forum is one place I can turn to - to get some help and strength and encouragement to go another day....

 

[Jacy]

Your strength shows just by you asking for help and guidance...your wife should be thankful that she has someone who can do that...

I am not an expert and am only newly married. It sounds like you have been doing all of the right things...
I just want to encourage you that as the husband, God has given you authority over the home and over the marriage. It seems like the roles have reversed and/or are out of balance...is there a pastor or mentor that you can go to for help? Also, does your wife go to church with you?

I work from home while my husband works at a regular job. Being home all day can be good, if your focus is right. Many times though, it allows people to only think of themselves. Without proper guidance from the Lord, one can mentally dissolve just by starving that normal communication we need with God...

I am going to pray for you and your wife. God wants you to be still right now, and put Him first...

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."
Matthew 6:33
​

 

[Lewis]

I am not trying to be a wise guy here, but Biblically your wife is out of line. She is not giving you that supporting role that a wife is supposed to give a husband. I would have a talk with her, and back up what you say by the Word of God. Because she is not doing her part in this union between you and the kids, and you should not tolerate it. I am not advocating violence or anything like that. But unless she has a mental condition you should not tolerate this. You 2 should have a sit down with the pastor. She should be made very aware that she should step up to the plate and help you and the kids.

 

[Sparkey]

Is the whole family involved in problem solving and decision making together? Come together as a group to discuss the situation. Regular and routine familiy meetings. It won't be an immediate fix-all, of course.

I just did a quick Google search for Family Meetings and found the following suggestions/guidelines:
Use the following guidelines for effective family meetings:

• -- Establish a specific regular meeting time. Weekly is a good way to start.
• -- Establish and stick to time limits.
• -- Make sure all members have a chance to offer ideas.
• -- Encourage everyone to bring up issues. Write them down, keep a list until the next meeting and discuss them in order.
• -- Don't permit meetings to become gripe sessions.
• -- Use your communication skills. Listen with sensitivity, speak with respect for feelings and never use put-downs.
• -- Evaluate decisions at the next meeting.
• -- Don't use family meetings to attempt to solve one person's problems. Meetings are not therapy sessions. Use the meeting to share feelings and make suggestions. Seek professional help for problems.

Don't answer here but another question: Do you pray together? Family prayer where you all join and also time for you and your wife to pray together? I'd encourage your family to go together (and individually) to the Lord to invite Him into your homelife.

Cordially,
~Sparrow

 

[Matthew77ask]

Is the whole family involved in problem solving and decision making together? Come together as a group to discuss the situation. Regular and routine familiy meetings. It won't be an immediate fix-all, of course.

I just did a quick Google search for Family Meetings and found the following suggestions/guidelines:
Use the following guidelines for effective family meetings:

• -- Establish a specific regular meeting time. Weekly is a good way to start.
• -- Establish and stick to time limits.
• -- Make sure all members have a chance to offer ideas.
• -- Encourage everyone to bring up issues. Write them down, keep a list until the next meeting and discuss them in order.
• -- Don't permit meetings to become gripe sessions.
• -- Use your communication skills. Listen with sensitivity, speak with respect for feelings and never use put-downs.
• -- Evaluate decisions at the next meeting.
• -- Don't use family meetings to attempt to solve one person's problems. Meetings are not therapy sessions. Use the meeting to share feelings and make suggestions. Seek professional help for problems.

Don't answer here but another question: Do you pray together? Family prayer where you all join and also time for you and your wife to pray together? I'd encourage your family to go together (and individually) to the Lord to invite Him into your homelife.

Cordially,
~Sparrow

Thank you for your time to answer..
No, we do not pray together - we had - once or twice - but she always say "you pray" then when I did - she goes off - instead of praying. Now we cannot talk also.

Just last sunday we have a fight - real fight. On Sat I went out to buy dinner, we have a nice feast then stay to watch the Singapore election results - in anticipations. However, somewhere in the middle of the night, she woke up and says she got stomach ache - diarrhoea. Gave her medicine than went back to sleep. Morning - she still feels pain and I comfort her - then I went to church, and came back - were doing the laundry as usual, then suddenly she woke up - and started to scold me - that I am a cheap skate and buy cheap food that cause everyone to have diarrhoea ! You are Satan ! why you want to kill us... etc, I kept quite for 15min, then told her I just buy the food- how to know if it is like that - I also not want anyone to be sick - then she got more angry- and threw my handphone down- It is then that I lost myself - I go in and took her iPhone (which I pay anyway). then she came and hit me and scratch me all over... Then she attempted to slap me and hit my face - my specs came off and broke.

I called my neighbour to rush over- Linda calmed her down - then she started to cry and whine... like she is the victim... I am fed-up....

why -as a 45 yr christian - she cannot behave rationally. Do I have the intention to harm my family? I don't even have the heart to go out with other women like the other men do in this type of crisis (which is wrong actually).

Ok - what can I do to restrain my self - not to feel hurt and able to forgive WHEN she scream all those nasty things to me
[You go drive the car and bang and die - then leave the insurance to us!
[you Satan - always want to destroy the family.. go and die lah...]

If i can control n shut off her words - then I will not loose control and defend myself against her accusations and allegations... and my heart will be calm and then nothing will happen!
Anyways to shut all these noises out?

 

[Mike]

Matthew, I'm so sorry to hear about your continued frustration. Has your wife ever been seen by a professional to determine if she has a mental health condition? Her comment about you wanting to kill the family, calling you Satan, leads me to believe that she is paranoid or delusional, but by no means am I qualified to say.

This doesn't sound like the behavior of someone who is in full control.

So, has she ever been seen by a doctor who is qualified and more knowledgeable about the circumstances?

 

[TonkaTim]

I am now 48.. married for about 19 years and have 2 daughters 18 and 16.

My wife is not working but staying at home to do her internet trading.

I wake up every morning at 550am to prepare breakfast for my kids. Then at 620am, I drove them to their schools - total journey time about 1 hour. I start my work at 730am (teaching in a school) and ends about 145pm. Then either I drive to pick my girls up and go home - or I will go home than set off again to pick them later. Either way, once I reached home, I will do the laundry - washing them in washing machines and hanging them out when done- at the same time keeping the dried cloths and folding them.

After I pick my kids from school, I am off to work again (I teach in the evening in another school). I end at 9pm at nite. Once I reached home at 930pm, I need to boil water to make sure that the next day we have enough hot water to drink. by the time I finished everything it is about 10 plus pm. Sometimes I need to take the time to prepare worksheets or marking or set exam papers after that

Amongst all these work - I will have to ensure that the house has enough bread, veg etc to cook and eat. I will need to iron the cloths for my family and do marketing as well.

On Saturdays - I woke up at 5am to go to the market. then I will cut up the meat to small pieces so that that it is easier to cook in the weekdays. I will also cook the lunch for my children as they will be staying at home on Saturday will I go and teach again.

On sunday - I will go to church in the morning, then start to teach again at 2pm ending 9pm.

I am very tired - all these while I am doing this for the past xxx years (I think is about 10 or more). My wife screams at me when things are not done her way ! (but I am doing it).... there is No free time - she even keep the TV remote control and accuse me of watching TV at nite ... (even if I do - it is only for a while from 10pm to 11pm - is it tooooo much?.... after doing sooo much?)

I need your help and support..... to carry on.....:nod

What is your wife and almost adult daughters doing to contribute to the household chores?

 

[Bonairos]

Anyways to shut all these noises out?

Thank you my brother for sharing from deep within.

Your transparency shows the degree of help you seek from the Christian community; those who call ourselves your family. I’m sure others will respond with good counsel. I would like the privilege to also offer mine as well.

I’m sorry that your situation has escalated to the point that it did. I understand.

You asked, “Ok - what can I do to restrain my self - not to feel hurt and able to forgive WHEN she scream all those nasty things to me [You go drive the car and bang and die - then leave the insurance to us![you Satan - always want to destroy the family.. go and die lah...]â€

First I would suggest (and this I speak from experience), identify the source of what is said. Your wife is not the source of those accusations and neither are they coming from your God. Your Lord loves you. He sees. He cares. He has plans for you. Your Savior would never say those things to you or about you.

Reject them; even if doing so under your breath. You are a man of God who desires to hear the voice of your Shepherd. The voice of another you do not listen to.

True, your wife may be the one speaking what’s not of God. But then again, haven’t we all done things, said things that weren’t necessarily “of God†as well?!

I’m reminded of Acts chapter 4:13-17

“Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated and untrained men, they marveled. And they realized that they had been with Jesus. And seeing the man who had been healed standing with them, they could say nothing against it. But when they had commanded them to go aside out of the council, they conferred among themselves, saying, “What shall we do to these men? For, indeed, that a notable miracle has been done through them is evident to all who dwell in Jerusalem, and we cannot deny it. But so that it spreads no further among the people, let us severely threaten them, that from now on they speak to no man in this name.â€


Just as the religious leaders acted towards Peter and John, so does our enemy when it comes to us.

First, the rulers realized that Peter and John had been with Jesus. Just like you.

A miracle had been done and no one can deny it. Just like you. You are a miracle of God.

However the rulers would not acknowledge that fact in front of Peter and John. Yet they conferred among themselves privately.

Just like you. Satan (and his demons) will never acknowledge to you that you are a man of God. And plots what to do with you. For you are a miracle, changed by the True and Living God. And they cannot deny it.

Yet, as the rulers attempted to do to Peter and John; the devil attempts to do to us. “So that it SPREADS NO FURTHER . . . let us severely threaten (harass, torment, etc.) them, that from now on, they speak to no man in this name (the name of Jesus).†And all this plotted behind the scenes.

We not only know what is happening, but why. The source of those noises is demonic. It’s purpose is to shut you up, to stop you from affecting others (your wife included) with the life and love of Christ. “But we’re not ignorant of his devices.â€

Knowing its’ source and reasons behind it, we can confidently stand our ground in Christ and declare, “As for me and my house (my wife, my children), we will serve the Lord!†It keeps things in perspective. It keeps us “looking unto Jesus, the Author AND finisher of our faith.â€

"How to shut off all the noise?" I would say one way to begin is to expose the source (not your wife, you love her) for what it is; a lie to stop you from going forward.

As with others in the community, I too am standing with you and your family. Your God is “Almighty God!†Never forget that no matter how severe the threats thrown your way. You have been with Jesus.





Be blessed, Stay blessed!

 

[Matthew77ask]

Thank you my brother for sharing from deep within.


Just like you. Satan (and his demons) will never acknowledge to you that you are a man of God. And plots what to do with you. For you are a miracle, changed by the True and Living God. And they cannot deny it.

We not only know what is happening, but why. The source of those noises is demonic. It’s purpose is to shut you up, to stop you from affecting others (your wife included) with the life and love of Christ. “But we’re not ignorant of his devices.â€

Knowing its’ source and reasons behind it, we can confidently stand our ground in Christ and declare, “As for me and my house (my wife, my children), we will serve the Lord!†It keeps things in perspective. It keeps us “looking unto Jesus, the Author AND finisher of our faith.â€

"How to shut off all the noise?" I would say one way to begin is to expose the source (not your wife, you love her) for what it is; a lie to stop you from going forward.

As with others in the community, I too am standing with you and your family. Your God is “Almighty God!†Never forget that no matter how severe the threats thrown your way. You have been with Jesus.

Be blessed, Stay blessed!

Thanks....

OK - can you adv - like the physically - how to shut off the noise - at those moments.... what should I think of for example - or say (to myself).
I figured that I could not change her and I have no control over her - however, I can control myself - so if I can do that - maybe we could avoid big fights... and peace will be in the house....

 

[RoadDebris]

My suggestion: don't rail against your family, especially your spouse, in front of anonymous strangers. Totally unbiblical tack.

 

[pjt]

My suggestion: don't rail against your family, especially your spouse, in front of anonymous strangers. Totally unbiblical tack.

Then where is he supposed to release this stuff? It needs to be released. That is healthy. Even the Bible says if you have a problem with someone and they won`t listen then take it to the Brethern. The Bible also says we should carry one another`s burdens. God never intended for His people to walk this earth alone carrying their burdens without anyone there to share them with. Matthew is in a very stressful situation and he is reaching out to brothers and sisters for help so do we shut him down or do we stand by him? It`s one thing to express these things to annoymous people who don`t know him or his wife and it`s another thing to express these things to their mutual friends. To say negative things about her to her family or their mutual friends or in their mutual social circles can be damaging to her and their relationship, but here is different. We don`t know him. We don`t know her and we don`t know their names other than maybe his real name is Matthew but not neccessarily. But what we do know is he is a brother in Christ and that means we know him in our hearts and we should care about him from our hearts like a brother. Therefore, we should give him as much support as we can. Really a marriage situation is one of the worst kinds of stresses one can go through and he is saying "I need strength to carry on.... ". He is coming here for some support and encouragement when he is at his wits end. So I think we should try and give that to our brother.

 

[RoadDebris]

Then where is he supposed to release this stuff? It needs to be released. That is healthy. Even the Bible says if you have a problem with someone and they won`t listen then take it to the Brethern. The Bible also says we should carry one another`s burdens. God never intended for His people to walk this earth alone carrying their burdens without anyone there to share them with. Matthew is in a very stressful situation and he is reaching out to brothers and sisters for help so do we shut him down or do we stand by him? It`s one thing to express these things to annoymous people who don`t know him or his wife and it`s another thing to express these things to their mutual friends. To say negative things about her to her family or their mutual friends or in their mutual social circles can be damaging to her and their relationship, but here is different. We don`t know him. We don`t know her and we don`t know their names other than maybe his real name is Matthew but not neccessarily. But what we do know is he is a brother in Christ and that means we know him in our hearts and we should care about him from our hearts like a brother. Therefore, we should give him as much support as we can. Really a marriage situation is one of the worst kinds of stresses one can go through and he is saying "I need strength to carry on.... ". He is coming here for some support and encouragement when he is at his wits end. So I think we should try and give that to our brother.

It doesn't say to denounce someone in public, pjt. It says to approach them in private, one on one, and if they don't come around to take two witnesses and discuss it in private, and then if they still don't repent to take it to the Church.

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. - Matt. 18:15-17

This forum is a public place. Non-believers are members here. It is not strictly the Church. Further, we are only hearing one side of the story. We are hearing gossip about someone's wife. That is wrong. It's never ok to support someone when they are doing the wrong thing. That's not true friendship.

 

[pjt]

It doesn't say to denounce someone in public, pjt. It says to approach them in private, one on one, and if they don't come around to take two witnesses and discuss it in private, and then if they still don't repent to take it to the Church.

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. - Matt. 18:15-17

This forum is a public place. Non-believers are members here. It is not strictly the Church. Further, we are only hearing one side of the story. We are hearing gossip about someone's wife. That is wrong. It's never ok to support someone when they are doing the wrong thing. That's not true friendship.

I don`t want to get too off subject here and I don`t want to go too deep into this because we are taking a subject in a direction that could really hurt a brother in Christ so I think we need to stay on topic or if you have a problem with the thread then go to another and I don`t mean that in a hateful way. I just mean I feel this conversation can potentially cause a lot of hurt to an already deeply hurting person. But I will say one last thing on his behalf in regards to your comment. You are right that this is a public place but you are not correct that his wife is publically exposed. If you put her right in front of my face or any person who has read this thread`s face NONE of us could identify her. Not one single person. The poster did not give away her identity so he protected that. He protected his wife`s dignity and identity. If he gave her name, location and posted a picture of her then it becomes gossipy and hateful. But the way he posted it is like writing an annoymous letter to "Dear Abby". If I were to read a Dear Abby column I`d have NO idea who wrote that letter. All I would know is it is someone needing sound advice that they can`t get anywhere else. Personally I`m glad a brother would feel like he could open up to his brothers and sisters here for support and I hope he will continue to feel that way and I hope others will continue encouraging him because he is in a VERY difficult situation. Marriage is for life and is a large part of his life. He`s not looking at a temporary job loss or a broken bone or a disaster like his house burned but can be rebuilt. Marriage is much more serious. So he has asked for support and those who feel called should give it. Finally, what is the Church? It`s the body of Believers all over the world. He is coming to the body.

 

[Sparkey]

Matthew77ask,

I read your first post and didn't understand what was happening. My suggestion was that you could have family meetings or pray together. That would be good if she could hear. I think it's worse than that. You wife is not behaving rationally. She can not hear you.

Don't use family meetings to attempt to solve one person's problems. Meetings are not therapy sessions. Use the meeting to share feelings and make suggestions. Seek professional help for problems.


Don't answer here but another question: Do you pray together? Family prayer where you all join and also time for you and your wife to pray together? I'd encourage your family to go together (and individually) to the Lord to invite Him into your homelife.

Cordially,
~Sparrow

Thank you for your time to answer..
No, we do not pray together - we had - once or twice - but she always say "you pray" then when I did - she goes off - instead of praying. Now we cannot talk also.

Just last sunday we have a fight - real fight. On Sat I went out to buy dinner, we have a nice feast then stay to watch the Singapore election results - in anticipations. However, somewhere in the middle of the night, she woke up and says she got stomach ache - diarrhoea. Gave her medicine than went back to sleep. Morning - she still feels pain and I comfort her - then I went to church, and came back - were doing the laundry as usual, then suddenly she woke up - and started to scold me - that I am a cheap skate and buy cheap food that cause everyone to have diarrhoea ! You are Satan ! why you want to kill us... etc, I kept quite for 15min, then told her I just buy the food- how to know if it is like that - I also not want anyone to be sick - then she got more angry- and threw my handphone down- It is then that I lost myself - I go in and took her iPhone (which I pay anyway). then she came and hit me and scratch me all over... Then she attempted to slap me and hit my face - my specs came off and broke.

I called my neighbour to rush over- Linda calmed her down - then she started to cry and whine... like she is the victim... I am fed-up....

why -as a 45 yr christian - she cannot behave rationally. Do I have the intention to harm my family? I don't even have the heart to go out with other women like the other men do in this type of crisis (which is wrong actually).

Ok - what can I do to restrain my self - not to feel hurt and able to forgive WHEN she scream all those nasty things to me
[You go drive the car and bang and die - then leave the insurance to us!
[you Satan - always want to destroy the family.. go and die lah...]

If i can control n shut off her words - then I will not loose control and defend myself against her accusations and allegations... and my heart will be calm and then nothing will happen!
Anyways to shut all these noises out?

You've asked why she cannot behave rationally. I don't know this. But the problem isn't about you and you can do nothing to fix it by yourself. Your wife is abusing you. Violence is not Christian behavior. When I first heard of the problem(s) you and your wife were having I thought that it was a bad situation but didn't realize how bad. You need help so that your wife will be able to hear you and know that you love her but that she can not be allowed to continue.


First I think for you: Pray about this.
Also, go to your church and speak to Pastor about it too. Tell him (like you told us) what is happening.
Then maybe he will visit with you and your wife and help you say to her -- that she can not hit or slap or scratch you.

then she came and hit me and scratch me all over... Then she attempted to slap me and hit my face - my specs came off and broke.

If your neighbor slapped and scratched and hit you, what would you do? Just because you love your wife does not mean that she can be allowed to be violent and you have to be quiet about it. She needs help. If you were a woman who came here to forum and said that her husband was hitting her all people would say, "That can not be tolerated." It also can not be tolerated when a woman does this. If somebody yells or calls me names, okay - maybe I do nothing. If they hit me? It needs to stop.

It's not okay for her to yell at you or call you Satan but if that was all she was doing then I would say, "Pray about it." But she is not just yelling or calling you bad names. It's more than that. She is hitting you and that is domestic violence (against the law). The same law that protects women from men -- also protects men from women. I hope that you are able to speak to others (your Pastor) and that you and your Pastor can speak to your wife so that she can hear that you love her and want what is best for her. She is sinning against God when she hits you. It is good to ask God to forgive her (and I know He will) but she also needs to turn from this. To repent from this and turn away from it completely. You can not turn her and do well when you resist being angry and are quiet and suffer without hitting back or yelling. Still, to help her see that she needs to turn away from this action -- so that she never lets her anger control her again will need God to show her this and that is why I say that you should speak to your Pastor and have him help you speak to her.

 

[Matthew77ask]

I think I really need to learn quickly is ...

HOW to management and CONTROL my emotions and hence anger when she flares up....

If I can do this.... and able to shut up all the words that she said... then the house can have peace .. and my kids will henceforth not suffer... [cos she likes to "bully" my younger girl into doing physical things like washing toilet or changing bedsheets... when this poor girl STAYS out of the arguments by shutting herself in the room to study.... and because of this action - I gave into her demands...]


PLEASE ... I am not shaming my wife in public... however, I do need to tell of the happenings - which include things she said and do.. as it is... the facts...
then when whoever reading this can have a bigger picture....

I just want to make changes on MYSELF... first.. and leave other areas including her to GOD... I need the faith in GOD in this situation... and somehow - I cannot feel GOD in my home...

There are many suggestions.. many thanks... if we had done these together (eg praying, and sitting down to discuss).. then we won't be like that... it has been about 17 years.. [she will probably say a similar thing about me]

Give me the faith... GOD - I think you can send some angles to come and help us in this family....

 

[Mike]

Matthew, I pray you have Godly counsel from someone who knows more intimately what you are going through. Your culture has nuances that I would have difficulty relating to. Sparrow had some worthy input when he offered up a scenario where a woman was being treated like you are. No one I know would not want to seek help for a woman who was being mistreated like this. And everyone would tell that woman to avoid a destructive atmosphere where she is being belittled and abused. It really should be no different for a man who is forced to live with his wife who is combative toward him and their children.

I mentioned your culture, because I suspect it might be more difficult for you to seek help under these circumstances than it would be for me. I might be wrong, but my impression is that the American culture would place less of a stigma on men who are being abused. I pray that you find comfort in the Lord and that you also find friendship and Godly advice in a person He Provides to you. Paul had Silas. He found encouragement in his company. I pray you find your "Silas".