I need advice! Please feel free to chime in!

[Danus]

I agree Danus. I know it seems like I have been "falling for it" but in all honesty I've just been trying to take this relationship with an approach contrary to societies definition of love. But I'm a little foggy because I've never done that before. I totally let my flesh control me on previous relationships and this time I'm not. But I have also been careful not to dismiss a good man. Because by many standard he is a very good man.

He's making changes to try to get on the same page as me spiritually but I think I was looking for someone who already had that going on.

I can understand that. Well, you cant change others. All we can do is reflect Christ.

Our world tells us that relationships are 50/50. 50% you and 50% the other person. What is often conveyed is that we don't owe anything to anyone who does not "do" their share. or measure up to our 50%.

Christ tells us that our relationships are 100/100, but more over our responsibility is just 100%. We owe all regardless of the other person. Love those who hate you. Do for anyone who wants from you. Our world would say that's crazy. That's just making yourself a doormat for the world. From our human perspectives this is crazy. It can't be done. That's where Christ comes in. It can't be done by us, but it can be done through Jesus Christ.

I've been married for 14 years, but before that I was married 5 years. Spent 7 years between the two single.

The best advice I got, and learned the hard way, is that all relationships hinge on my efforts. I am 100% responsible for my marriage. I can not control my wife, or change her behavior, or make her into someone she is not. All I can do is love her, but I have found that I don;t have the ability, or the knowledge to love anyone outside of Jesus Christ. So. I often pray for Christ to love others through me, especially those I can not love; those who may not be or act or look, or think the way my flesh would prefer.

This man will not totally meet your standards. He will let you down, and disappoint you, and you can not love him outside Jesus Christ. This would be true of anyone to anyone, and it will also be true of you to anyone else.

So, I guess the best advice I can give you is to remember that you need to give the same love you require, and that no one but Christ can give you that, and that you can not give it to anyone else out side the love Christ has for you. Always be willing to make the 100% effort you might ask of others.

May God richly bless you and your marriage.

 

[hallowbonnie]

Yeah Ive been told that Im closed off and run from things that are good but really those are manipulative words.I know how I feel and I went through this same thing when I was younger I was pressured by him to get married I did not have complete peace about it ignored my gut and feelings and married him.Two months later we split up .When we split I felt such peace like a huge weight had been lifted off me.Honestly for me even though I went on later on to be married again to someone else for 10 years being single is a very natural state for me.I loved being married and being a wife but Im also a big freespirit and love my freedom and independence.Im single again now and having so much fun .Also just like with you my ex made me feel like I was never enough and I had to constantly give over control to him to make him feel more and more secure and in the end it didnt do a bit of good he ended up having an affair anyway.

 

[Claudya]

Sorry, OP, but sound unloving, judgemental towards your man and quite arrogant. I can't say anything about him becaus he hasn't been talking to us , but your words about him make my stomache turn.
You seem not ready for marriage.

 

[Gary]

The only problem is. I'm not sure I have the level of feelings for him as I should.

Being with this gentleman feels safe. But I don't feel like I am in love.

I'm not intrigued by him in many areas that I feel I should be.

I've actually tried to end this months ago...

I have just tried to be patient and nod my head when it seems appropriate...

But I'm not sure he's the one. And we're getting ready to buy a house together so we have a place to live after we get married.

I just feel like he's rushing things.

I know I said yes to all of this but as time goes on I trust my decision less and less

See all the red flags? You need to pay attention to this.

 

[Deborah13]

See all the red flags? You need to pay attention to this.

The way I look at it is that if someone were to marry some else that they know does not meet their expectations that is pure selfishness. And they can destroy the other person's life.
It's much kinder to let them alone to move on in their life. Turn that fish loose.

 

[Gary]

The way I look at it is that if someone were to marry some else that they know does not meet their expectations that is pure selfishness. And they can destroy the other person's life.
It's much kinder to let them alone and move on in their life. Turn that fish loose.

And both parties will end up hating one another.
.

 

[Tony Hyman]

Although Paul was talking about the Church as a body in Christ here , I think this verse also finds application here where we have to be bold instead of being the nice guy who keeps the peace and not rock the boat.We are talking about a relationship between two believers.The fact is we are "owned" by Christ and no one else.No body is under any obligation here.We arent talking about slave daughters been sold off as property as was the case in the O.T. and in the days of Paul.
We are dealing with a Moden Christian Relationship.If the normal "lets be friends" line wont sell then the only way is the hard truth(easier said).
"No more lies, no more pretense .Tell your neighbor the truth.In Christ's body we're all connected to each other, after all.When you lie to others , you end up lying to yourself."Ephesians 4:25 (Msg). We might like someone but that does have to extend to a commitment of marriage just because we are not so sure how to say "Noooo"

 

[Kidron]

I am a 28 year old female who is engaged to a 27 year old male. We both have our "stuff" together. Meaning we work full time jobs trying to build our future. We've been together now for 11 months. He's a really amazing man and would do anything for me.

The only problem is. I'm not sure I have the level of feelings for him as I should. See, I'm used to being in co-dependent relationships where I do all the work and the man is emotionally unavailable for one reason or another. I am currently in discipleship counseling and when I ask my counselor about this topic she advises me to pray and seek God. And I do. But I don't know if/when I'm getting my answers.

Being with this gentleman feels safe. But I don't feel like I am in love. He loves me more than I know how to explain. We are both Christians but to be honest I'm in a very different place on my Christian walk than him and I'm not intrigued by him in many areas that I feel I should be.

I am trying to make it work because I'm so used to being #2 in my relationships and I'm not sure of this is the way a healthy relationship feels or if I should let him be. I've never been in such a strong place and being alone doesn't scare me.

I've actually tried to end this months ago and he told me that I run from anything that's good in my life and I felt like he raised a valid point. But I don't know. I'm just not sure where to take this.

I have just tried to be patient and nod my head when it seems appropriate because I've truly never felt this cherished in a relationship before. But I'm not sure he's the one. And we're getting ready to buy a house together so we have a place to live after we get married.

I just feel like he's rushing things. I felt my next relationship would take some time n I've had a ring on my finger since 7 months into our relationship.

I know I said yes to all of this but as time goes on I trust my decision less and less

Any advice would be great. Thanks friends!

First,

you are 28 and everyone is making you feel that you are "getting older and you need to GET IT DONE while you still have time......blah, blah, blah......babies........etc".
right?
Well, ignore all that.
Thats first.

2nd. you asked God if you should marry this person, you say you have not heard?? Then that is a "WAIT".....that is why you are not getting a "yes".


3rd. Let me ask you a question.
Can you live without this person?
If this person died today, and you got a phone call from your mother and she said...."he's dead".......If that happened, would your first reaction be to fall apart and fall on the floor and lay in a bucket of tears, or would your first reaction be....."RELIEF", and them you shed a few tears?
Truly, you need to marry someone that you cant stop thinking about, cant stop wanting to be with, cant stop wanting to sacrifice for..... a bit of an obsession is needed, hon.
And maybe if you parted from him, you would realize how crazy you are about him, or maybe you would realize how glad you are he's gone.
You kinda need to find that out, as it REALLY MATTERS.


3rd. Do you feel he is smothering you, trapping you, cornering you, and you know it and are resisting it but are slowing giving in?
Then stop. !
In general, its true that men pursue and women are pursued, but, there is also the case of men forcing something that is not going to be forced after its forced.
Do you see?


4th....See #1 and go and talk to another Pastor and take him., and tell the Pastor what you have told us.
Be OPEN and HONEST, as you dont want to just go along with the male and get married when you are obviously full of doubts and on one hand like him and realize he is good marriage material, but deep in yourself you are having a lot of..."can we slow down, and wait, and NOT DO THIS", moments.
So, you need another Pastor to hear this, and he can help.
If your BF wont do this then get another BF.


K

 

[angel page]

You've been together for 11 months but he got serious after 7?
Yes, that is rushing things.

Follow your gut. Especially if you're looking at an offer to spend the rest of your life with him at your age. You have plenty of time to take your time with this when you consider you could be asked to spend the next fifty years with someone for whom you know what you do and do not feel for them right now. If you don't feel like you're in love, trust that. You're not in love. Wait and see.
Some guys can seem perfect in the early stage of a relationship. But time does tell who they truly are. And especially if you are comfortable in the relationship you have with yourself, knowing who you are, and knowing you don't have to settle. Nor are you afraid of living alone. That's healthy and helps to support you as you move forward here.
Never love someone because you need them. Need them because you love them.

I am a 28 year old female who is engaged to a 27 year old male. We both have our "stuff" together. Meaning we work full time jobs trying to build our future. We've been together now for 11 months. He's a really amazing man and would do anything for me.

The only problem is. I'm not sure I have the level of feelings for him as I should. See, I'm used to being in co-dependent relationships where I do all the work and the man is emotionally unavailable for one reason or another. I am currently in discipleship counseling and when I ask my counselor about this topic she advises me to pray and seek God. And I do. But I don't know if/when I'm getting my answers.

Being with this gentleman feels safe. But I don't feel like I am in love. He loves me more than I know how to explain. We are both Christians but to be honest I'm in a very different place on my Christian walk than him and I'm not intrigued by him in many areas that I feel I should be.

I am trying to make it work because I'm so used to being #2 in my relationships and I'm not sure of this is the way a healthy relationship feels or if I should let him be. I've never been in such a strong place and being alone doesn't scare me.

I've actually tried to end this months ago and he told me that I run from anything that's good in my life and I felt like he raised a valid point. But I don't know. I'm just not sure where to take this.

I have just tried to be patient and nod my head when it seems appropriate because I've truly never felt this cherished in a relationship before. But I'm not sure he's the one. And we're getting ready to buy a house together so we have a place to live after we get married.

I just feel like he's rushing things. I felt my next relationship would take some time n I've had a ring on my finger since 7 months into our relationship.

I know I said yes to all of this but as time goes on I trust my decision less and less

Any advice would be great. Thanks friends!

 

[TheCurseoftheRodain]

Take the matter to your Heavenly Father - He already knows what to do. Pray and ask Him to lead you into all the Truth, that He would tell you whether or not this man is the one God created you to be perfectly joined to. Bind the Devil and command him to take his hands off your relationship and that it is a holy thing unto the Lord and he shall not touch it. Declare the peace of God over your thoughts. Greater is He that is within you than he that is in the world. God will make everything clear once you get His hands on you and all these things.