I'm really concerned my Dad might split up with his wife?

[LanaPodesta]

Hey...I wasn't sure where to post this.

So my Dad is married to a woman he's know basically as long as he's known my Mom...

He never married my Mom but they had me and about a year later my younger sister was born...to his current wife. Yeah. So I have a slightly younger sister and also my brother who is a toddler. Me and my sister fight a lot but I absolutely adore my baby brother. Sometimes I don't really feel like a sister to my sister but I really do to my baby brother. My Dad has a bigger house than my Mom so we both spend a lot of time there and we live pretty close by, so it feels like an extended (if dysfunctional) family.

Anyway I am noticing that my Dad and my Mom are spending a lot of time together, and he even sometimes stays overnight at my Mom's house...

My Dad is also spending a lot of time with his wife's 'maid'* and that's also a bit suspicious...

My stepmom and my Dad seem to be arguing a lot more, if they're not just completely ignoring each other. I find my stepmom is acting a lot more resentful and seems to suggest that I'm a bad influence. I also feel like her and my sister are jealous of me having a good relationship with my baby brother.

My concern is my Dad getting divorced, not being able to see his children with his wife, me never seeing my baby brother again and my Dad resenting me and my Mom. I get the idea that my Dad and my Mom are very close but that they don't really 'love' each other. And yes, having to type that out really freaking hurts. I don't doubt that they love me but I do feel that I am an accident at best and somedays a mistake at worst.

I'm considering talking to my Spiritual Father about this but our family situation is controversial enough at my church...I don't want to bring 'more' shame upon my family...

What can I do? I am praying about this every day but I don't really feel I can talk to anyone at church about this. I'm 14 years old so I'm old enough to fast but I'm not very disciplined with this at all. Me and my Dad have a good relationship but he always avoids the issue and sometimes he gets angry because he provides for my Mom and me as well as his other family.

I know sounds silly but because me and my Mom own a dog that Dad considers to be 'his' as well. The dog is my Mom's but he's a Giant Breed guard dog and we need a man around to help train and discipline. He is very loyal and protective of me and my Mom but if he isn't consistently trained he can become dangerous to others and we rely on my Dad to help with that. So if my Dad abandons us not only will we struggle financially but we will really struggle to contain our dog and I love him so much and I don't want to lose him

I am really seriously worried and I just want things to be somewhat normal, even if that means being in a broken home. I think if my Dad had to choose he would pick his family with his wife over me and my Mom and I'm scared I will never see my Dad, my sister, my baby brother, I'm worried what will happen with my dog and I don't want me and my Mom to be thrust into poverty.

I'm mostly writing this just to vent but any advice would be great. I really hope I'm overthinking this.

*a woman that my stepmom grew up with who is from a much poorer background. She is better educated than my stepmom but she has basically lived with her her entire life and sometimes shares the bed with my stepmom...yeah it's pretty weird

 

[NoahK]

It is unfortunate that the kids like yourself are caught in the middle of the issues the adults in your life have. There is a song called What A Friend We Have In Jesus. No matter what happens in life Jesus is always your friend. And when you bring All your concerns to God please know that He hears your prayers and will help you through all the stuff you're dealing with. This verse comes to mind: (it has helped me many times in my life so maybe the words can help you also.
Phillippians 4:13 I can do all things, through Christ Who strengthens me. Sounds like you need a lot of strength so I thought I'd share this with you.

 

[LanaPodesta]

It is unfortunate that the kids like yourself are caught in the middle of the issues the adults in your life have. There is a song called What A Friend We Have In Jesus. No matter what happens in life Jesus is always your friend. And when you bring All your concerns to God please know that He hears your prayers and will help you through all the stuff you're dealing with. This verse comes to mind: (it has helped me many times in my life so maybe the words can help you also.
Phillippians 4:13 I can do all things, through Christ Who strengthens me. Sounds like you need a lot of strength so I thought I'd share this with you.

Thank you for sharing. Yes Jesus is always with me

 

[Hidden In Him]

Thank you for sharing. Yes Jesus is always with me

Greetings, Lana.

I have a sister I can tag who might be able to help you with these issues. She would probably be good to talk to and can help.

 

[Vinny37]

...

It’s sure a can of worms, Lana, with you kids in the middle of some sinful stuff. My own mother was shocked when around your age she discovered her sister to be her birthmother, and her assumed mother to be her grandma. She grew up in poverty. Her birthfather had a legit family hidden well away, but had kept up financial help to his illegit family for a while. Sin hurts, and the What ifs of life can be scary. Many a good we lose in life, and gain many a good. As Johhny Cash sang, These things shall pass, and life be sweeter.

[He never married my Mom…] Technically it could be that your father is a bigamist, ie two wives, since neither state nor church creates marriage, so in fact he might have married her without state recognition. But bigamist or not, in my books he has lifelong obligations to both households. Sadly not all men bother too much about obligations, and western schools usually preach hedonism. I grieve for your situation. For background growth you might find https://archive.org/details/the-fathers-gone-global-exploring-gods-heart-231212 useful.

As a youngster (aging fast or not), you’ll be and do things which perhaps decades down the line you’ll weep over—that’s life. Ah if I could only take back some stupid and narrow things which must have hurt (and sadly amused) my good parents now deceased. I tended to think myself in the right. It is possible you think yourself too much in the wrong. I cannot judge; perhaps even you can’t properly judge yourself. It’s right to be hard on yourself without being too hard on yourself.

[they don’t really ‘love’ each other]. It can be hard to judge dynamics, and love, in its sense of person to person commitment, can be as an underground stream, there but unseen.

[I don’t doubt that they love me but I do feel that I am an accident at best and somedays a mistake at worst.] Whether or not they, looking back, might sometimes have wished you had not been conceived, the facts are that you were and that they love you. One can regret having married a given individual, yet still love them. The principle is, Regret, but still love.

It is good that you have a committed Christian life. While we are not islands to ourselves, but islands within archipelagos, we must tend to our own island. We can only do so much to help other islands, and even less if we are in poor shape. Indeed there is only so much God can do (in C S Lewis’ The Last Battle, Aslan tries in vain to help certain dwarves). Do keep praying for the situation, and so far as you are able showing love to all parties.

You do not say much about the spiritual life of the adults involved, for instance whether they are Churchians, perhaps even Christians, and if the latter how obedient they are to Christ’s lordship. Many a good Christian has gotten into many an ethical hole in which they try to live their best in a bad job. But for your part, I’d encourage you to “build yourself up in your most holy faith. Let the Holy Spirit guide and help you when you pray” (NIVR: Jude 20)

 

[LanaPodesta]

Greetings, Lana.

I have a sister I can tag who might be able to help you with these issues. She would probably be good to talk to and can help.

Thank you

 

[LanaPodesta]

It’s sure a can of worms, Lana, with you kids in the middle of some sinful stuff. My own mother was shocked when around your age she discovered her sister to be her birthmother, and her assumed mother to be her grandma. She grew up in poverty. Her birthfather had a legit family hidden well away, but had kept up financial help to his illegit family for a while. Sin hurts, and the What ifs of life can be scary. Many a good we lose in life, and gain many a good. As Johhny Cash sang, These things shall pass, and life be sweeter.

[He never married my Mom…] Technically it could be that your father is a bigamist, ie two wives, since neither state nor church creates marriage, so in fact he might have married her without state recognition. But bigamist or not, in my books he has lifelong obligations to both households. Sadly not all men bother too much about obligations, and western schools usually preach hedonism. I grieve for your situation. For background growth you might find https://archive.org/details/the-fathers-gone-global-exploring-gods-heart-231212 useful.

As a youngster (aging fast or not), you’ll be and do things which perhaps decades down the line you’ll weep over—that’s life. Ah if I could only take back some stupid and narrow things which must have hurt (and sadly amused) my good parents now deceased. I tended to think myself in the right. It is possible you think yourself too much in the wrong. I cannot judge; perhaps even you can’t properly judge yourself. It’s right to be hard on yourself without being too hard on yourself.

[they don’t really ‘love’ each other]. It can be hard to judge dynamics, and love, in its sense of person to person commitment, can be as an underground stream, there but unseen.

[I don’t doubt that they love me but I do feel that I am an accident at best and somedays a mistake at worst.] Whether or not they, looking back, might sometimes have wished you had not been conceived, the facts are that you were and that they love you. One can regret having married a given individual, yet still love them. The principle is, Regret, but still love.

It is good that you have a committed Christian life. While we are not islands to ourselves, but islands within archipelagos, we must tend to our own island. We can only do so much to help other islands, and even less if we are in poor shape. Indeed there is only so much God can do (in C S Lewis’ The Last Battle, Aslan tries in vain to help certain dwarves). Do keep praying for the situation, and so far as you are able showing love to all parties.

You do not say much about the spiritual life of the adults involved, for instance whether they are Churchians, perhaps even Christians, and if the latter how obedient they are to Christ’s lordship. Many a good Christian has gotten into many an ethical hole in which they try to live their best in a bad job. But for your part, I’d encourage you to “build yourself up in your most holy faith. Let the Holy Spirit guide and help you when you pray” (NIVR: Jude 20)

We all attend church, pray together, abide by the fast and feats, but we can be inconsistent. My Mom did the Lent fasts but I get the impression my Dad and stepmom gave up. But I guess all Christians are inconsistent in practicing their faith. I can't remember the last time I saw my Dad take communion which is distressing. I think he really needs to talk to our Spiritual Father. My Mom takes communion about once a month and is very consistent with church and prayer, especially since she's gotten more serious about stopping drinking (she doesn't have a huge problem but a couple of years ago she came home really drunk in the middle of the night and I had to call my Dad to come over because I was worried she was sick and my dog was going crazy because he loves my mom...he was about a year old but weighed like 175lbs and was difficult to control).

უფალო იესუ ქრისტე, ძეო ღმრთისაო, შემიწყალე მე ცოდვილი.

 

[Vinny37]

We all attend church, pray together, abide by the fast and feats, but we can be inconsistent. My Mom did the Lent fasts but I get the impression my Dad and stepmom gave up. But I guess all Christians are inconsistent in practicing their faith. I can't remember the last time I saw my Dad take communion which is distressing. I think he really needs to talk to our Spiritual Father. My Mom takes communion about once a month and is very consistent with church and prayer, especially since she's gotten more serious about stopping drinking (she doesn't have a huge problem but a couple of years ago she came home really drunk in the middle of the night and I had to call my Dad to come over because I was worried she was sick and my dog was going crazy because he loves my mom...he was about a year old but weighed like 175lbs and was difficult to control).

უფალო იესუ ქრისტე, ძეო ღმრთისაო, შემიწყალე მე ცოდვილი.

Some rays of hope, here. Inconsistency is part of our fallen nature. God bless.

მამა ღმერთო, გთხოვ დამეხმარე მე და ჩემს ოჯახს. მმადლობთ.

 

[LanaPodesta]

Some rays of hope, here. Inconsistency is part of our fallen nature. God bless.

მამა ღმერთო, გთხოვ დამეხმარე მე და ჩემს ოჯახს. მმადლობთ.

but what can I do?

 

[Vinny37]

but what can I do?

Perhaps very little, other than being a good daughter, asking God to help (he too is limited), and growing as a Christian. Life has many griefs and joys.

 

[for_his_glory]

Hi LanaPodesta and I truly feel for you. It's hard when you are in the middle of all that is happening around you, but truly there is nothing you can do about the situation except to pray for a good outcome no matter which way it goes with your real mom and dad. Never believe you are a mistake as we are all created in the image of God and He does love all of you. These things are adult issues and also life lessons for you to grow from as you want to be pleasing to the Lord and your family.

Are you able to sit with your mom and dad and talk with them about your feelings on all of this as they may not be considering what you are feeling and going through with all your concerns. That would be a good place to start and since they also attend Church maybe the three of you could talk to the Pastor as you pray and ask the Holy Spirit to work through your pastor that could give all of you good counsel.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers and we are always here for you to talk to.

 

[LanaPodesta]

Hi LanaPodesta and I truly feel for you. It's hard when you are in the middle of all that is happening around you, but truly there is nothing you can do about the situation except to pray for a good outcome no matter which way it goes with your real mom and dad. Never believe you are a mistake as we are all created in the image of God and He does love all of you. These things are adult issues and also life lessons for you to grow from as you want to be pleasing to the Lord and your family.

Are you able to sit with your mom and dad and talk with them about your feelings on all of this as they may not be considering what you are feeling and going through with all your concerns. That would be a good place to start and since they also attend Church maybe the three of you could talk to the Pastor as you pray and ask the Holy Spirit to work through your pastor that could give all of you good counsel.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers and we are always here for you to talk to.

Thanks for the response. I don't know if I could get us all together to do that and I don't want to anger my stepmom or encourage my parents to spend time together because I don't want him to lead on my Mom.

I think I'm going to have to tell my Spiritual Father about this. It's concerning because I don't think my Dad hasn't taken communion in a while and he seems to be just going to church because it's what we do.

 

[Prycejosh1987]

Speak to your dad and tell him what you find problematic. Relationships are built on honesty and openness of all sides.

 

[D-D-W]

Don't know if you are still here, but I went thru a divorce (mom and dad) when I was 7 and it was bad.

I will certainly pray for you.