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I'm really concerned my Dad might split up with his wife?

LanaPodesta

LanaPodesta

Member
Hey...I wasn't sure where to post this.

So my Dad is married to a woman he's know basically as long as he's known my Mom...

He never married my Mom but they had me and about a year later my younger sister was born...to his current wife. Yeah. So I have a slightly younger sister and also my brother who is a toddler. Me and my sister fight a lot but I absolutely adore my baby brother. Sometimes I don't really feel like a sister to my sister but I really do to my baby brother. My Dad has a bigger house than my Mom so we both spend a lot of time there and we live pretty close by, so it feels like an extended (if dysfunctional) family.

Anyway I am noticing that my Dad and my Mom are spending a lot of time together, and he even sometimes stays overnight at my Mom's house...

My Dad is also spending a lot of time with his wife's 'maid'* and that's also a bit suspicious...

My stepmom and my Dad seem to be arguing a lot more, if they're not just completely ignoring each other. I find my stepmom is acting a lot more resentful and seems to suggest that I'm a bad influence. I also feel like her and my sister are jealous of me having a good relationship with my baby brother.

My concern is my Dad getting divorced, not being able to see his children with his wife, me never seeing my baby brother again and my Dad resenting me and my Mom. I get the idea that my Dad and my Mom are very close but that they don't really 'love' each other. And yes, having to type that out really freaking hurts. I don't doubt that they love me but I do feel that I am an accident at best and somedays a mistake at worst.

I'm considering talking to my Spiritual Father about this but our family situation is controversial enough at my church...I don't want to bring 'more' shame upon my family...

What can I do? I am praying about this every day but I don't really feel I can talk to anyone at church about this. I'm 14 years old so I'm old enough to fast but I'm not very disciplined with this at all. Me and my Dad have a good relationship but he always avoids the issue and sometimes he gets angry because he provides for my Mom and me as well as his other family.

I know sounds silly but because me and my Mom own a dog that Dad considers to be 'his' as well. The dog is my Mom's but he's a Giant Breed guard dog and we need a man around to help train and discipline. He is very loyal and protective of me and my Mom but if he isn't consistently trained he can become dangerous to others and we rely on my Dad to help with that. So if my Dad abandons us not only will we struggle financially but we will really struggle to contain our dog and I love him so much and I don't want to lose him :sad

I am really seriously worried and I just want things to be somewhat normal, even if that means being in a broken home. I think if my Dad had to choose he would pick his family with his wife over me and my Mom and I'm scared I will never see my Dad, my sister, my baby brother, I'm worried what will happen with my dog and I don't want me and my Mom to be thrust into poverty.

I'm mostly writing this just to vent but any advice would be great. I really hope I'm overthinking this.

*a woman that my stepmom grew up with who is from a much poorer background. She is better educated than my stepmom but she has basically lived with her her entire life and sometimes shares the bed with my stepmom...yeah it's pretty weird
 
It is unfortunate that the kids like yourself are caught in the middle of the issues the adults in your life have. There is a song called What A Friend We Have In Jesus. No matter what happens in life Jesus is always your friend. And when you bring All your concerns to God please know that He hears your prayers and will help you through all the stuff you're dealing with. This verse comes to mind: (it has helped me many times in my life so maybe the words can help you also.
Phillippians 4:13 I can do all things, through Christ Who strengthens me. Sounds like you need a lot of strength so I thought I'd share this with you.
 
NoahK said:
It is unfortunate that the kids like yourself are caught in the middle of the issues the adults in your life have. There is a song called What A Friend We Have In Jesus. No matter what happens in life Jesus is always your friend. And when you bring All your concerns to God please know that He hears your prayers and will help you through all the stuff you're dealing with. This verse comes to mind: (it has helped me many times in my life so maybe the words can help you also.
Phillippians 4:13 I can do all things, through Christ Who strengthens me. Sounds like you need a lot of strength so I thought I'd share this with you.
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Thank you for sharing. Yes Jesus is always with me
 
LanaPodesta said:
...
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It’s sure a can of worms, Lana, with you kids in the middle of some sinful stuff. My own mother was shocked when around your age she discovered her sister to be her birthmother, and her assumed mother to be her grandma. She grew up in poverty. Her birthfather had a legit family hidden well away, but had kept up financial help to his illegit family for a while. Sin hurts, and the What ifs of life can be scary. Many a good we lose in life, and gain many a good. As Johhny Cash sang, These things shall pass, and life be sweeter.

[He never married my Mom…] Technically it could be that your father is a bigamist, ie two wives, since neither state nor church creates marriage, so in fact he might have married her without state recognition. But bigamist or not, in my books he has lifelong obligations to both households. Sadly not all men bother too much about obligations, and western schools usually preach hedonism. I grieve for your situation. For background growth you might find https://archive.org/details/the-fathers-gone-global-exploring-gods-heart-231212 useful.

As a youngster (aging fast or not), you’ll be and do things which perhaps decades down the line you’ll weep over—that’s life. Ah if I could only take back some stupid and narrow things which must have hurt (and sadly amused) my good parents now deceased. I tended to think myself in the right. It is possible you think yourself too much in the wrong. I cannot judge; perhaps even you can’t properly judge yourself. It’s right to be hard on yourself without being too hard on yourself.

[they don’t really ‘love’ each other]. It can be hard to judge dynamics, and love, in its sense of person to person commitment, can be as an underground stream, there but unseen.

[I don’t doubt that they love me but I do feel that I am an accident at best and somedays a mistake at worst.] Whether or not they, looking back, might sometimes have wished you had not been conceived, the facts are that you were and that they love you. One can regret having married a given individual, yet still love them. The principle is, Regret, but still love.

It is good that you have a committed Christian life. While we are not islands to ourselves, but islands within archipelagos, we must tend to our own island. We can only do so much to help other islands, and even less if we are in poor shape. Indeed there is only so much God can do (in C S Lewis’ The Last Battle, Aslan tries in vain to help certain dwarves). Do keep praying for the situation, and so far as you are able showing love to all parties.

You do not say much about the spiritual life of the adults involved, for instance whether they are Churchians, perhaps even Christians, and if the latter how obedient they are to Christ’s lordship. Many a good Christian has gotten into many an ethical hole in which they try to live their best in a bad job. But for your part, I’d encourage you to “build yourself up in your most holy faith. Let the Holy Spirit guide and help you when you pray” (NIVR: Jude 20)
 
Vinny37 said:
It’s sure a can of worms, Lana, with you kids in the middle of some sinful stuff. My own mother was shocked when around your age she discovered her sister to be her birthmother, and her assumed mother to be her grandma. She grew up in poverty. Her birthfather had a legit family hidden well away, but had kept up financial help to his illegit family for a while. Sin hurts, and the What ifs of life can be scary. Many a good we lose in life, and gain many a good. As Johhny Cash sang, These things shall pass, and life be sweeter.

[He never married my Mom…] Technically it could be that your father is a bigamist, ie two wives, since neither state nor church creates marriage, so in fact he might have married her without state recognition. But bigamist or not, in my books he has lifelong obligations to both households. Sadly not all men bother too much about obligations, and western schools usually preach hedonism. I grieve for your situation. For background growth you might find https://archive.org/details/the-fathers-gone-global-exploring-gods-heart-231212 useful.

As a youngster (aging fast or not), you’ll be and do things which perhaps decades down the line you’ll weep over—that’s life. Ah if I could only take back some stupid and narrow things which must have hurt (and sadly amused) my good parents now deceased. I tended to think myself in the right. It is possible you think yourself too much in the wrong. I cannot judge; perhaps even you can’t properly judge yourself. It’s right to be hard on yourself without being too hard on yourself.

[they don’t really ‘love’ each other]. It can be hard to judge dynamics, and love, in its sense of person to person commitment, can be as an underground stream, there but unseen.

[I don’t doubt that they love me but I do feel that I am an accident at best and somedays a mistake at worst.] Whether or not they, looking back, might sometimes have wished you had not been conceived, the facts are that you were and that they love you. One can regret having married a given individual, yet still love them. The principle is, Regret, but still love.

It is good that you have a committed Christian life. While we are not islands to ourselves, but islands within archipelagos, we must tend to our own island. We can only do so much to help other islands, and even less if we are in poor shape. Indeed there is only so much God can do (in C S Lewis’ The Last Battle, Aslan tries in vain to help certain dwarves). Do keep praying for the situation, and so far as you are able showing love to all parties.

You do not say much about the spiritual life of the adults involved, for instance whether they are Churchians, perhaps even Christians, and if the latter how obedient they are to Christ’s lordship. Many a good Christian has gotten into many an ethical hole in which they try to live their best in a bad job. But for your part, I’d encourage you to “build yourself up in your most holy faith. Let the Holy Spirit guide and help you when you pray” (NIVR: Jude 20)
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We all attend church, pray together, abide by the fast and feats, but we can be inconsistent. My Mom did the Lent fasts but I get the impression my Dad and stepmom gave up. But I guess all Christians are inconsistent in practicing their faith. I can't remember the last time I saw my Dad take communion which is distressing. I think he really needs to talk to our Spiritual Father. My Mom takes communion about once a month and is very consistent with church and prayer, especially since she's gotten more serious about stopping drinking (she doesn't have a huge problem but a couple of years ago she came home really drunk in the middle of the night and I had to call my Dad to come over because I was worried she was sick and my dog was going crazy because he loves my mom...he was about a year old but weighed like 175lbs and was difficult to control).

უფალო იესუ ქრისტე, ძეო ღმრთისაო, შემიწყალე მე ცოდვილი.
 
LanaPodesta said:
We all attend church, pray together, abide by the fast and feats, but we can be inconsistent. My Mom did the Lent fasts but I get the impression my Dad and stepmom gave up. But I guess all Christians are inconsistent in practicing their faith. I can't remember the last time I saw my Dad take communion which is distressing. I think he really needs to talk to our Spiritual Father. My Mom takes communion about once a month and is very consistent with church and prayer, especially since she's gotten more serious about stopping drinking (she doesn't have a huge problem but a couple of years ago she came home really drunk in the middle of the night and I had to call my Dad to come over because I was worried she was sick and my dog was going crazy because he loves my mom...he was about a year old but weighed like 175lbs and was difficult to control).

უფალო იესუ ქრისტე, ძეო ღმრთისაო, შემიწყალე მე ცოდვილი.
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Some rays of hope, here. Inconsistency is part of our fallen nature. God bless.

მამა ღმერთო, გთხოვ დამეხმარე მე და ჩემს ოჯახს. მმადლობთ.
 
Vinny37 said:
Some rays of hope, here. Inconsistency is part of our fallen nature. God bless.

მამა ღმერთო, გთხოვ დამეხმარე მე და ჩემს ოჯახს. მმადლობთ.
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but what can I do?
 
Hi LanaPodesta and I truly feel for you. It's hard when you are in the middle of all that is happening around you, but truly there is nothing you can do about the situation except to pray for a good outcome no matter which way it goes with your real mom and dad. Never believe you are a mistake as we are all created in the image of God and He does love all of you. These things are adult issues and also life lessons for you to grow from as you want to be pleasing to the Lord and your family.

Are you able to sit with your mom and dad and talk with them about your feelings on all of this as they may not be considering what you are feeling and going through with all your concerns. That would be a good place to start and since they also attend Church maybe the three of you could talk to the Pastor as you pray and ask the Holy Spirit to work through your pastor that could give all of you good counsel.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers and we are always here for you to talk to. :hug
 
for_his_glory said:
Hi LanaPodesta and I truly feel for you. It's hard when you are in the middle of all that is happening around you, but truly there is nothing you can do about the situation except to pray for a good outcome no matter which way it goes with your real mom and dad. Never believe you are a mistake as we are all created in the image of God and He does love all of you. These things are adult issues and also life lessons for you to grow from as you want to be pleasing to the Lord and your family.

Are you able to sit with your mom and dad and talk with them about your feelings on all of this as they may not be considering what you are feeling and going through with all your concerns. That would be a good place to start and since they also attend Church maybe the three of you could talk to the Pastor as you pray and ask the Holy Spirit to work through your pastor that could give all of you good counsel.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers and we are always here for you to talk to. :hug
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Thanks for the response. I don't know if I could get us all together to do that and I don't want to anger my stepmom or encourage my parents to spend time together because I don't want him to lead on my Mom.

I think I'm going to have to tell my Spiritual Father about this. It's concerning because I don't think my Dad hasn't taken communion in a while and he seems to be just going to church because it's what we do.
 
Don't know if you are still here, but I went thru a divorce (mom and dad) when I was 7 and it was bad.

I will certainly pray for you.
 
I really feel for you. It must not be easy to be in your shoes. Try sharing your problems with Jesus. Pray to Him about whatever issues/problems you face. God might not answer prayers the way you want, but He does listen to them. At least, after prayers, you know that whatever outcome it might be, you laid it at God's feet.
 
I don't think parants realise the emotional damage there children suffer when they break up or remarry. Even if it's a peaceful breakup it don't matter the damage is done. Family is the fundamental foundation of everything and when it's broken people are scar for life.

That's why traditional values were respected and people were shamed if a woman is unmarried pushing a pram dowj the road, or a married couple divorced for no justified reason like abuse.

These days no one cares about the value and importance of family and the solid ground foundation and they wonder why society is broken.

My families broken I never want to go visit my Dad and have a step mother there, i dont even see her as that, she's not my mother or even close she just some woman my dad married after he divorced my mother, thats his business, shes not important to me.

I want to go my Parants house and see both my Dad and Mom together.
 
LanaPodesta said:
Hey...I wasn't sure where to post this.

So my Dad is married to a woman he's know basically as long as he's known my Mom...

He never married my Mom but they had me and about a year later my younger sister was born...to his current wife. Yeah. So I have a slightly younger sister and also my brother who is a toddler. Me and my sister fight a lot but I absolutely adore my baby brother. Sometimes I don't really feel like a sister to my sister but I really do to my baby brother. My Dad has a bigger house than my Mom so we both spend a lot of time there and we live pretty close by, so it feels like an extended (if dysfunctional) family.

Anyway I am noticing that my Dad and my Mom are spending a lot of time together, and he even sometimes stays overnight at my Mom's house...

My Dad is also spending a lot of time with his wife's 'maid'* and that's also a bit suspicious...

My stepmom and my Dad seem to be arguing a lot more, if they're not just completely ignoring each other. I find my stepmom is acting a lot more resentful and seems to suggest that I'm a bad influence. I also feel like her and my sister are jealous of me having a good relationship with my baby brother.

My concern is my Dad getting divorced, not being able to see his children with his wife, me never seeing my baby brother again and my Dad resenting me and my Mom. I get the idea that my Dad and my Mom are very close but that they don't really 'love' each other. And yes, having to type that out really freaking hurts. I don't doubt that they love me but I do feel that I am an accident at best and somedays a mistake at worst.

I'm considering talking to my Spiritual Father about this but our family situation is controversial enough at my church...I don't want to bring 'more' shame upon my family...

What can I do? I am praying about this every day but I don't really feel I can talk to anyone at church about this. I'm 14 years old so I'm old enough to fast but I'm not very disciplined with this at all. Me and my Dad have a good relationship but he always avoids the issue and sometimes he gets angry because he provides for my Mom and me as well as his other family.

I know sounds silly but because me and my Mom own a dog that Dad considers to be 'his' as well. The dog is my Mom's but he's a Giant Breed guard dog and we need a man around to help train and discipline. He is very loyal and protective of me and my Mom but if he isn't consistently trained he can become dangerous to others and we rely on my Dad to help with that. So if my Dad abandons us not only will we struggle financially but we will really struggle to contain our dog and I love him so much and I don't want to lose him :sad

I am really seriously worried and I just want things to be somewhat normal, even if that means being in a broken home. I think if my Dad had to choose he would pick his family with his wife over me and my Mom and I'm scared I will never see my Dad, my sister, my baby brother, I'm worried what will happen with my dog and I don't want me and my Mom to be thrust into poverty.

I'm mostly writing this just to vent but any advice would be great. I really hope I'm overthinking this.

*a woman that my stepmom grew up with who is from a much poorer background. She is better educated than my stepmom but she has basically lived with her her entire life and sometimes shares the bed with my stepmom...yeah it's pretty weird
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So, in all that you wrote, you didn't say anything about God and how He figures into your life. Why is that? As a Christian, a disciple of Jesus Christ, I'd give you spiritual advice because it is the best, the deepest, and the most lasting sort of advice I could give you. But if God isn't your heavenly Father, if you haven't trusted in Jesus as your Savior from your sin, and submitted yourself to him as your Lord and God, then the spiritual advice I would give you isn't going to be of any value to you. In order to really understand such advice, you have to be made "alive" spiritually which only happens when you've become a child of God, a Christian.

Being a Christian isn't something that happens because you go to church, or know a priest or pastor, or own a Bible. Standing in a car-repair shop, or knowing the mechanic, or owning a few tools doesn't make you a car mechanic, right? Oddly, a lot of people think that being a Christian is about a location (church), and knowing a religious person (priest), and doing religious things (praying, communion, tithing, etc.), but in reality the Bible says that being a Christian is knowing a Person (God), it's being related to Him as one of His adopted children.

Revelation 3:20
20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.

1 John 5:11-12
11 And this is the testimony, that God gave us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.
12 Whoever has the Son has life; whoever does not have the Son of God does not have life.

John 14:6
6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

This adoption happens as a result of trusting that Jesus is God, that he died in payment of your sin-debt, that he rose from the dead and ascended to heaven where he sits at God's right hand as your Advocate with God, that you are the terrible sinner He says you are and that you need desperately to be saved from yourself and from God's just wrath that your sin deserves. Is this you? Do you believe these things and live in them as Truth every day?

Romans 3:10
10 as it is written: “None is righteous, no, not one;

Romans 3:23
23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

1 John 1:9-10
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

John 3:16-19
16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.
18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.
19 And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil.

Romans 10:9-10
9 because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
10 For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.

When you become a child of God through trusting in Jesus as your Savior and Lord and giving your life over to him to rule as he sees fit, a whole realm of spiritual living opens up to you. This is because the Holy Spirit of God, in response to your trust in Christ, has come to dwell within you. He gives to you in himself "new life," a spiritual life you didn't have before, that enables you to understand spiritual truth.

Titus 3:5-6
5 he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit,
6 whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior,

1 John 4:13
13 By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit.

John 14:16-17
16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever,
17 even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.

Because the Holy Spirit is inside of you, giving to you new, spiritual life in himself, you can understand the "things of God" in a way that is impossible without the Holy Spirit. And so, I ask you if you're a "born-again" child of God, a person in whom the Holy Spirit is dwelling. Are you? If you are, I can offer to you God's advice to all of His children about how to navigate life and its various difficulties, tragedies and suffering with unshakable joy, peace and contentment. If you aren't God's child yet, then my first bit of advice would be to remedy this condition immediately and begin to live with God in the way He created you to do, which is in daily, life-changing communion with Himself.

Proverbs 3:5-8
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
7 Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.
8 It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.
 
Vinny37 said:
It’s sure a can of worms, Lana, with you kids in the middle of some sinful stuff. My own mother was shocked when around your age she discovered her sister to be her birthmother, and her assumed mother to be her grandma. She grew up in poverty. Her birthfather had a legit family hidden well away, but had kept up financial help to his illegit family for a while. Sin hurts, and the What ifs of life can be scary. Many a good we lose in life, and gain many a good. As Johhny Cash sang, These things shall pass, and life be sweeter.

[He never married my Mom…] Technically it could be that your father is a bigamist, ie two wives, since neither state nor church creates marriage, so in fact he might have married her without state recognition. But bigamist or not, in my books he has lifelong obligations to both households. Sadly not all men bother too much about obligations, and western schools usually preach hedonism. I grieve for your situation. For background growth you might find https://archive.org/details/the-fathers-gone-global-exploring-gods-heart-231212 useful.

As a youngster (aging fast or not), you’ll be and do things which perhaps decades down the line you’ll weep over—that’s life. Ah if I could only take back some stupid and narrow things which must have hurt (and sadly amused) my good parents now deceased. I tended to think myself in the right. It is possible you think yourself too much in the wrong. I cannot judge; perhaps even you can’t properly judge yourself. It’s right to be hard on yourself without being too hard on yourself.

[they don’t really ‘love’ each other]. It can be hard to judge dynamics, and love, in its sense of person to person commitment, can be as an underground stream, there but unseen.

[I don’t doubt that they love me but I do feel that I am an accident at best and somedays a mistake at worst.] Whether or not they, looking back, might sometimes have wished you had not been conceived, the facts are that you were and that they love you. One can regret having married a given individual, yet still love them. The principle is, Regret, but still love.

It is good that you have a committed Christian life. While we are not islands to ourselves, but islands within archipelagos, we must tend to our own island. We can only do so much to help other islands, and even less if we are in poor shape. Indeed there is only so much God can do (in C S Lewis’ The Last Battle, Aslan tries in vain to help certain dwarves). Do keep praying for the situation, and so far as you are able showing love to all parties.

You do not say much about the spiritual life of the adults involved, for instance whether they are Churchians, perhaps even Christians, and if the latter how obedient they are to Christ’s lordship. Many a good Christian has gotten into many an ethical hole in which they try to live their best in a bad job. But for your part, I’d encourage you to “build yourself up in your most holy faith. Let the Holy Spirit guide and help you when you pray” (NIVR: Jude 20)
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Wow. God is omnipotent. There isn't anything He can't do. He does what He does on HIS schedule, not ours. The best we can do as humans is trust Him in All things.
 
NoahK said:
Wow. God is omnipotent. There isn't anything He can't do. He does what He does on HIS schedule, not ours. The best we can do as humans is trust Him in All things.
Click to expand...

Wow, that really overlooks God’s nature—does omnipotence trump omnisapience and love? Let me quote from a book on prayer.

[When we start talking about what we can achieve, it’s good to get a good grip on the idea of sovereignty. If we say that we can decree anything, it’s good to ask if God can do as much. There are far weightier tomes on this, such as D A Carson’s Divine Sovereignty and Human Responsibility, a book I have deeply enjoyed. In The Last Battle (C S Lewis), we see Aslan saying that “they will not let us help them” (ch.13). Effectively that’s about God’s inabilities. When Jesus spoke of nothing being impossible to God, he spoke within the orbit of possibility, not about intrinsic impossibilities.

Let’s ask about ideas impossible in themselves. Can God create an uncreated being which has more power than himself? Can he create an absolute contradiction? Can he become Satan, become evil? Can God cease to be? Can God forget his creation? Surely not! Can God make a rock too heavy for him to lift? Indeed, moving beyond measurement into infinity, moves beyond rockiness into supernature, and ‘rock’ is defined by cosmic-time limitation! So no, he cannot make what cannot exist. Can the source and sustainer of reason, become irrational? Can the unchangeable change? Too often we ignore the jump between the temporal and the eternal. God, by definition, cannot become, cannot eternally change, as Plato pointed out long ago. If the Perfect becomes more perfect, it wasn’t perfect. What do they teach in schools?]

PS: Mt.19:26 has its obvious context in the fact that salvation (25) is humanly impossible, that salvation is possible, but possible only by God: it is not a philosophic assertion that God can violate the Law of Non-Contradiction.

Quote: https://archive.org/details/prayers-gone-global-exploring-biblical-prayer p123
 
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