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In-law problems- my marriage is suffering due to husbands choices.

Hi there, Jilly, I know it's hard but, if you can, focus on Scripture even more than on your very real difficulties. This might change things, if not to change your circumstances, then to change your outlook and capacity to absorb them to some extent.

In the end it's partly a matter of developing the capacity to endure the suffering (with the example of the Lord Jesus: Hebrews 12.3) or to pass it on instead to others, e.g., to the children possibly, as they in the years ahead have to bear the consequences of the breakup.
 
JillyBean said:
Hello Farouk. I have focused on scripture, taken many a class, done love and respect, read almost every book, spent so much time on my knees in the last 12 years that my legs are bloody. I know I can't change how my husband goes about his role in our marriage (even going back to leave/cleave) and I can't change mil. So, it's not that I haven't endured, it's that I can no longer endure.
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I don't doubt for one moment that you have been in receipt of huge pressures and that the MIL problem for you is very, very acute.

This is why reference was made to Hebrews 12.3: "For consider Him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds."

Telling oneself that as long as one can plausibly attribute to others, the problems that your children will suffer as a result of the break-up, is not part of the solution but part of the problem, as you yourself will probably admit in the years ahead if you go ahead and do it. I know it may be easy to say, but maybe there is some wisdom there.

Praying for you.
 
Here is another thought-provoking passage of Scripture, offered in a friendly spirit:

1 Samuel 30.1-6. The end of verse 6 is quite challenging to me, I think.

Blessings.
 
Been exactly there jellybean stayed there 30 plus years then she passed . There were still issues after her death.... we did not live in the same town so it was not daily.... You have said you have asked for a divorce for the last 4 years you have not been 'stayed' for 12 years then. He knows you are not committed the your marriage. No marriage i have ever heard of is perfect we are not perfect humans.. I made a vow before God to stay married. I did not vow to stay married if things went my way or every thing was roses.... You knew before you married what the situation was.... A divorce will scar the kids....Please rethink put your trust in the Lord not in your human relationship. Said with all the love an old woman can hold for the younger....reba
 
My heart goes out to you JillyBean, I can relate to your situation. I was the husband who was too passive. My mother was a sniper, waiting until I wasn't there to say things to my wife. My wife didn't ever ask for a divorce, but it got to the point I had to make a decision between my wife or my family. My wife had been a christian, and I became a christian. My family stopped talking to us. My wife and I are closer than ever with Jesus in our lives.
It seems you have done everything you can in this situation. You husband needs to help. Speaking from experience, becoming a Christian made me realize I had to be the man Jesus wants me to be, not the one I was. I still have a long way to go, but things are better. Is your husband a Christian?
It can be hard to save your marriage but it will be worth it.
 
Going through much of what you are saying JillyBean at the moment. My family was always distant, and my in-laws family were always so close, I was attracted to that not knowing the long term implications. We were both non-believers at the time. So when kids came, lo and behold the in laws were around more. It was a catch 22 as they peppered us with financial help meanwhile dictating the raising of our children. My wife was fine with this, I was not and it started years of fights, arguments and other stuff. Nonetheless, the marriage was disintegrating while the umbulical cord was firmly secured in place between daughter and mother still. Up until this past summer, we were living across from them. Just think of Everybody Loves Raymond but worse as they continually undermined me being the authority in the home.

After becoming saved and reading through scriptures and having to be more serious about my parental and husbandry role, I decided to draw the lines in the sand. After my mother in law undermined me in front of my children once again, I kicked her out of my house and told her this was never happening again. I essentially gave my wife an ultimatum about who she will cleave to and that decision was hers and hers alone. She could either choose a marriage that would be harmonious, or a marriage that would be divided and would eventually disintegrate.

It has now been 2 or so months and things are OK. When it is just us and the kids, and I am the best father and husband I can be and she can see the benefits of what a marriage is like with just the two of us. When her parents, or her want to attach that cord again, I let her know the disharmony it is creating and the consequences on our marriage and our children. It has taken much prayer, patience, forgiveness and love, but our marriage is slowly being repaired. We are not out of the woods, but all I can do is love her more than anything as that is what we are instructed to do by our heavenly Father.

Should or should you not separate? God knowing we are not perfect, permitted divorce, although never actively promoted it. This is not a decision to be taken lightly obviously. Pray, fast and see where the Spirit directs you to do. Prayers will be lifted up.
 
JillyBean said:
Interesting that you think that I am not the one committed to my marriage. Sad to see, that you think this reflects the older women teaching the younger. My trust has always been in the Lord and chastising my commitment certainly is not the helpful input I seek. It's like beating the abuse victim. And a way to throw it in my face that I knew of this before I was married. Where did I ever speak that I had hoped my marriage would be perfect? Your words are sounding brass and clanging cymbal...
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Dear JillyBean: reba for years has been a wise and kind and spiritually minded participant to many of us regulars here on the forums. I and others are truly sorry to learn about your problems, and we are praying for you. I don't know, either, whether the particular advice that reba gave you relates as exactly to your situation as you would have wished, but I and many others on here would readily assume that when reba has offered you what she sees as quiet words of wisdom, they would have been given with a helpful heart and sound intention. Whether or not you feel able to take her advice is a separate issue, but in my experience reba can be relied upon as a someone who offers thoughts borne of a lot of life experience and Scripture meditation in prayerful communion with the Savior.

God bless His Word to you in your situation.
 
JillyBean said:
Hello Vaccine (interesting name btw...would love to know why if it is in relation to truth being the cure?),
It gives me hope that you saw your situation and your role in it and took action. And you are right, my husband needs help, won't get help and I have asked him to get it. I have pleaded for marital counseling, settled for classes like song of Solomon/Love and Respect, male mentoring for my husband, but he refuses the one thing we need. He says it is because he is concerned as to how he would look. We both are Christians and he is in his masters of Divinity with pastoral emphasis, so he is not with out knowledge on scripture. We had a very frank discussion last Tues and I asked him to move out and expressed that I am not sure how he thinks he can lead a congregation if he can't even address his own situation at home in truth. I believe this comes down to a leave and cleave issue, where it is more important for him to have peace in his family then to stick up for me and his new family. I really do appreciate your candor and humility to write what you wrote. I do want to save my marriage, always have, but I am the only one who seems to want to. I told him that he holds the key and is unwilling to use it. A marriage redeemed would be a testimony to the Lord. I believe at this juncture the only potential saving grace will be a seperation for a time and a rejoining if he has come to his senses. This is NOT the only battle we have faced...but it is all related to the leave and cleve issue I believe. I am sick of reading how "making peace" with your in-laws is the answer (in and of it self, I have done this many times), but what do you do when THAT IS DEFINITELY not an option at this time. Making peace with them is like giving them the sword to slay me with at this point, since I have done it many time. And it is not a lack of faith or an issue with my relation to God as some may point out. To live peaceably among others as James says is possible as long as I have no contact right now. Until my husband deals with the situation once and for all, it won't abate. Gotquestions.org http://www.gotquestions.org/mother-in-law-dealing.html has been quite helpful...putting perspective on what has not happened.


"If either spouse fails to both leave and cleave, problems will result in a marriage. If spouses refuse to truly leave their parents, conflict and stress result. Leaving your parents does not mean ignoring them or not spending any time with them. Leaving your parents means recognizing that your marriage created a new family and that this new family must be a higher priority than your previous family. If spouses neglect to cleave to each other, the result is a lack of intimacy and unity."

Read more: http://www.gotquestions.org/leave-and-cleave.html#ixzz2jboUmHo9

I told him that the separation is for him to have time to focus on what must be done to save this marriage. I asked him again to go to counseling. He insists that he will do the work, we don't need a separation, while I hear violins, since I have heard it all before. I do admit that I feel a bit hopeless in this trial, but your words have helped restore some hope. Thank you.
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Hi JillyBean, it sounds like you are very hurt right now. It also sounds like you've identified an issue with leaving and cleaving. Your husband sounds very knowledgeable of the scriptures so I wouldn't be pointing out anything he doesn't already know. I'm sure making a decision to do that "one thing" is hard and something only your husband can do, maybe separation will offer some motivation for him. Separation may not be for everyone, but in your case I hope it works.
I remember it was hard because my mother was just as nice as could be to me, while my wife wasn't and also being very critical. It took me some time to see she was justifiably hurt and, much to my chagrin, she was indeed right about my role in the situation. What happened was she introduced me to Jesus. I had to do some self examination and set my ego aside. It goes without saying I would be lost without Jesus, but I would be lost without her too, even if I don't tell her that very often. I would probably be playing video games in my mothers basement or worse if it weren't for my wife. The bible is like a mirror, I may not always like what I see and the truth can be hard to take, but without that mirror I can't fix what I can't see.
It helps we don't live very close to my family but I don't leave my wife alone with my mother. I had a brief but meaningful conversation with my mother. It went better than I thought it would and brought some change in her attitude toward my wife. I guess there is some truth to a word to the wise is all that's needed.

FWIW, I see doubting Jesus is the risen son of God as a disease, one I was well acquainted with and unfortunately so are my family and brothers. On my road from atheism to falling in love with Jesus, I've read dozens of books on apologetics and science in the hopes of reaching my family for Christ.
 
Jillybean,

I"m sorry that you're going through this. I can see your pain and your confusion and I think it's normal considering what you're going through.
When I read everything you've written, it sounds like you love your husband dearly, but he's not meeting your needs. I hear you saying, "I've put in so much effort toward this marriage, and I'm tired of giving when I don't get my basic needs met".

I've known reba for several years, and she is a dear woman with a loving heart. Like yourself, she's been around the block when it comes to suffering and I'm sorry you took her words as harsh and demeaning. But also, like yourself and so many of us, she's let that bitter root take hold in the past just like so many of us have who have experienced suffering, turmoil and disappointment when the ones closest to us cause us pain. We're all human, and we all feel pain. We've all let that bitter root take it's strong hold in the fabric of our daily life, and I'm certainly no exception either. Although you didn't receive her words as encouraging, I know that she was trying to relate to you through her life and encourage you to stick with it as she has. Honestly, when you say you've filed for divorce, that's kind of like saying your done and I think that's what she was addressing and although you didn't hear it, I heard her speaking out of love and concern for you, your husband and your family.

My wife and I have gone through the Love and Respect stuff, as well as other stuff too. She's been very patient with me. You see, I was raised in foster homes and then institutions the beginning years of my life. I was ripped and torn from home to home. Do you know what that does? It teaches you not to give your love out because when you do, you're just setting yourself up to get hurt. My wife's love language is touch, but my own demons wouldn't permit me to touch her even when I wanted to. I would think about coming up behind her and whispering, "I love you", but I just couldn't. There are more, and I often stepped on her oxygen hose and that bitter root started taking hold. None of our marriages are perfect.

If you were to talk to my wife about marriage, I can hear her say, "You will never get all of your needs met from your husband which is why you need a healthy relationship with God." Is that her bitter root speaking or is it the truth spoken of in Genesis "Yet your desire will be for your husband,
And he will rule over you." You don't want your husband to rule over you, you want to be his helper. Bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh. Yet he plows and tills and plants seeds yet thorns and thistles are his reward because he doesn't know how to speak in love, but only out of respect as he tries to navigate between the two people most precious in his life and he doesn't have the backbone to stick up for you where it matters the most. If he won't stick up for you, how do you know he would die for you?

It's taken a long, long time but my eyes are finally beginning to open and I am growing. No longer am I afraid of being hurt and no longer am I afraid to come up behind her and whisper "I love you" in her ear. I never wanted to hurt my wife, but sometimes I still do even when my intentions are good. Chances are, I've offended even you while writing this, even though my intentions are good. If I have, please forgive me because I am only trying to comfort you by letting you know that I understand that relationships are difficult, and we can all get to that point where enough is just enough. The well is dry and parched and we're just hurting inside.

I'm sorry your husband is acting the way he is acting and isn't able to meet your needs. I wish I could just shake him and tell him that head knowledge doesn't build a relationship anymore than having all the right answers will get you to heaven. My prayer is that your separation doesn't turn into a divorce and that you will be united with your husband. It is also my prayer that both of you will grow closer through this and your lines of communication grows deeper so that the bitter root that separates you will be uprooted and healing will begin.

God bless.
 
JIllybean,

I am sorry I misread your post when you said you had asked for a divorce, I assumed you had filed for a divorce.

May the Lord give you rest and comfort, and I am truely sorry that you couldn't find the comfort you needed.

Please forgive us dimwits for not having the right words in your time of need. I wish I could say something to help you with your pain.

Grace and Peace.
 
I know I am coming in a bit late to this discussion I feel there is something additional that should be added. It is obvious, JillyBean, that your husband is not living the Christ-centered life he has been called to. Also, he is not fulfilling his duty has your husband by standing firm against his mother when she oversteps her boundaries. However, speaking from experience it is difficult to balance that need with also considering the fifth commandment when dealing with the situation. Another aspect that we always tend to forget is to put Christ in the center of any disagreement/altercation/issue, and to put away our own pride while seeking to discover any sort of sin that we may have committed while at the same addressing those transgressions other have made against us. Finally, when it comes to forgiveness it is folly to forgive someone who has never expressed any remorse or displayed a repentant heart in regard to any sin they have committed. We should always use Christ as an example when it comes to forgiving others. Always be prepared to forgive those who have transgressed against us, but only when they have actually repented and asked for it.

Any marriage is fixable if both parties are willing to work toward it, but it is imperative to put Christ at the center. My advise, if you have not already done so, is seek out Godly advice from your pastor or an elder of your church and see where that takes you.

Blessings.
 
I have to also wonder how much stress being in an MDiv program is causing. I did mine part time, and I was stressed out all the time. About wanting to please God, do well, and just how hard the program is. It may be your husband is living his high school or college years again, being in school. Maybe his mom got him through those years, and so he is leaning on her, instead of you?
I pray you will be able to restore your marriage. I know for me, I have tried enormously hard not to be a dictating MIL. I succeed in 3 of my children's marriages, but one wife saw me as "the enemy" before I had even met her. So I didn't stand a chance. I let her have my son, because I know a wife in later life is more important than a MIL.
 
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