Is God keeping me single, or is it just something wrong with me?

[Holly565]

I am 32 years old. I've never been in a long term relationship. Sometimes I become consumed by trying to figure out why and it does no good. I've read articles about the 'gift of singleness', about God having plans other than marriage for some people, that single people should spend all their free time serving God. I've heard all that.

I'm in the worship band, I volunteer for church events, I'm in a small group, I bake cakes for the homeless food van. I also have a full time job and I'm studying for a professional qualification now too so I don't think I can fit anything else in.

Anyway, there just doesn't seem to be a plan for me, at least not one I can identify. My singleness isn't helping anyone and it's not helping me either. I don't understand the point in it. Sometimes I think, maybe it's just luck of the draw and I haven't met the right guy yet. But whereas my friends (who are now all married) had a number of long term relationships before getting married, I've barely had a handful of dates, and never got past the first one with anybody.

I have a lot of friends, I have a social life, I am nice to people, I try to dress nicely, I hold down a good job, I have my own place. It's not like I'm a social outcast or can't function in society. I'm 5ft 10, 150lbs, fit and active, long brown curly hair and have been told my celebrity double would be Minnie Driver if that helps give you a picture. I don't think I'm ugly, but I'm not confident that I'm attractive either. I just think I'm average and I'm a nice person, no different to anyone else, except that I can't find a partner and it seems everyone else can.

So is it really me, or is it God. And if it's God's plan that none of these dates work, why is it making me so very sad and lonely?


Here's my entire dating history:

• Age 13 - school trip to Germany. The only boy in school who's ever nice to me (I was bullied throughout high school for my very curly hair, being tall and skinny and the fact my Dad was a vicar) asks me dance at the disco. A group of girls start to laugh and tease him for asking me and he walks away and I go and cry in the toilets. He is now married with kids.
• Age 15 - all of my so-called friends have boyfriends, some of them are sleeping with them. One of these girls delights in telling me she and her boyfriend were discussing me and they decided I'd probably make quite a good wife one day but no guy would want me as his girlfriend because I'm way too boring and not very attractive. All of these friends and their boyfriends are now married (although not to each other, and most have kids)
• Age 17 - I'm at a new school and a boy in my history class that I like asks if I want to go to see a band with him. I say I'm sorry but it's a friend's birthday and I can't but I'd love to another time. He never asks again. I try to show interest in him, to be even more friendly in class etc but he brushes me off. He is now married to another schoolfriend and has two kids.
• Age 18 - first year of University my roommates have a party and invite a group of boys. Truth or dare ensues and one of the guys (who I liked) has to pick a girl at the party to kiss. He picks me, we kiss. Later I hear him asking one of my roommates about me and she tells him my Dad is a vicar and it's not worth pursuing anything with me. She ends up sleeping with him instead and I have to listen to them through the wall. Awful.
• Age 19-24 I get approached by a few guys in clubs but I'm not going there. You know, the ones who think they can grab your ass instead of saying hello?
• Age 25 - I meet a guy on a holiday in Canada. He's the tour leader. I know he has a different girl every week and I have to really fight my attraction to him. One night after a group of us go out he tries to come back to my hotel room. We do make out in the doorway but then it takes supreme effort for me to send him away to his room. Not in a mean way, we did some pretty good making out but I tell him I won't have a one night stand and I'm sorry but he should go. After this he barely speaks to me for the rest of the trip.
• Age 25 my best friend is getting married and wants to set me up with the best man at the wedding. She says she's shown him pictures of me and he's interested. At the wedding he never approaches me and my friends and her new DH ask why we're not speaking. I say he hasn't approached me, I guess he changed his mind. They force me to go over to him but he sees me and turns and heads off to talk to some other people so I leave him alone. Later my friend drags me over to him at the bar and introduces us. I try to be really approachable and friendly but it's obvious he doesn't want to know so I don't stay too long. Another guy at the wedding asks for my number but I just don't feel any attraction to him - he only reaches my shoulder in height and it's a deal breaker I'm afraid! Both of these guys were married within a year and the short one has a child.
• Age 26 - I've moved to the US for a year. A new friend sets me up at a party. We are mutually not interested so it's fine. My friend has now been married twice(!) and has a baby.
• Age 29 - I'm back in the UK and living in a new city. A guy starts attending my church and apparently asks a few people about me. Some friends organise a night out and invite him. We get on really well and he asks for my number. We do go on 3 or 4 dates but they don't progress in anyway, it feels like we're strangers each time so i don't really count it as anything. He always asks last minute, like, 'do you want to go get a drink, meet you in 20 minutes?' and doesn't respond if I try to call him in between dates. He also talks only about himself, he doesn't try to get to know me at all. I only kept agreeing because my friends said he was such a good guy and really liked me so I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. The last time we were supposed to go out he stood me up and the next day I see photos of him on facebook in a bar making out with another girl. It later turns out he was also seeing a 3rd girl from a dating site. I stopped responding to his messages and told my friends what had happened. He stopped attending my church shortly after. He is now engaged to the girl from the photos, having moved in with her shortly after meeting, and is having the wedding at my church next month.
• Age 30 - A guy at work starts showing interest but he's Hindu and I don't see how it would work. I discourage him gently. We remain on friendly terms before he leaves for a new job.
• Age 31 - A friend sets me up on a blind date and it seems like we're having a great time when after an hour he says he's sorry but he's really tired and has to go home. I assume I misread the situation and say 'sure, no problem' and try to get out as gracefully as I can while feeling rejected. As we leave the bar he just says 'nice to meet you, bye'. I wonder what I did wrong. The next day my friend says she spoke to him and he really liked me and wants to take me out again - what?? I don't hear from him for 2 days and he texts me saying 'hi, how are you?' I reply straight back and ask how his weekend was and never get a reply. Ever. Never heard from him again.
• Age 31-32 - I work with a new guy who over time I grow to have real feelings for. He's a good guy, and he seems to walking a line between being good friends at work and seeiming to be about to be asking me out but then changing his mind. I think it must be because we work together and he's nervous, which is understandable. I decide to give him more hints and he flirts back. I'm not misreading it, other people comment that he really likes me and that we seem good together. My only concern is he's not a christian. He was brought up Catholic but lapsed as a teenager. I hold out hope that at some point it will happen with us until one day I catch him on a dating site. He knows I saw and gets flustered. I ask how he's finding it, I've never tried online dating. He tells me he met a girl last week, she seemed nice but he's not sure if they clicked. He looks like he really doesn't want to tell me this. I try to be cool, like yeah, I'm not bothered, but later on he asks what I think of him doing it. He wants me know he's not sleeping with loads of people, he's just gone on a few dates. I tell him if he had asked, I would have said yes to a date. He tells me I don't really know him and it's better if we don't cross that line. His behaviour changes after that. He's friendly, but he's definitely not flirty or encouraging in any way. I force myself to keep away from him because it's awkward. I never ask about his personal life.
• Age 32 - I try online dating on a christian website. Very few people in my age bracket and location. I get quite a few messages but from guys 20 years older, mostly divorced, some with kids, and a few 10 years younger who live with their parents. Not what I imagined. Just one guy catches my eye and he emails me asking if I want to meet for coffee. It goes really well, he texts me immediately after and asks me out again for the following week. Then he reschedules. Then he reschedules again and I don't hear from him in the meantime. Then I text him on the day he'd suggested last to double check he's still ok for that night and he says he's really sorry he forgot, maybe the weekend? I say it seems like he's really busy and if he just isn't into this then it's fine, maybe he doesn't have tme for dating right now? He comes back with 'Great to meet you, have a nice life.' and I never hear anything. Not that I really want to after that response.

So you see, nothing ever seems to go anywhere. I've had this conversation with my married friends who just say I should be happy I don't have any hassle and can do whatever I want. I seem fine on my own, I don't need a partner. But I don't think they understand what it's like to come home to an empty house, to go to bed and wake up alone everyday, to have no one love you that way. It hurts when one of the husbands is away for work and the wife will organise a girls night in because she needs the company, or when one husband was away for 2 weeks and everyone was 'oh, poor Sarah, she must be so lonely, we should all keep her company' but it never occurs to them I'm alone all the time. I guess I do a very good job of seeming happy and independent! They are great, I love my friends, but my heart hurts when we all head home after a dinner or a party and they all get into their cars or start walking in couples and i head off alone.

Am I doing something wrong to mean guys just don't see me as an option. Or does God have some plan I just can't figure out. Would he keep guys away from me?Is it possible? It feels like whatever I do, men just don't want to know unless it's on a purely friend level. I have male friends, but no relationships.

I can look back on my history objectively and say none of these guys was the right guy anyway so what does it matter. But many people meet many wrong guys but they still have relationships. Why don't I?

Has anyone else thought like this, or does anyone have any advice?

 

[Sparkey]

Greetings Holly565, or is "Holly" better?

Welcome to ChristianForums.net!

Hope you enjoy your time with us and come back often. Seems that you have a talent for writing (something that I admire). Sorry to hear about your recent dating experience and if it's any consolation, I'd data ya. But then you'd have to know that I smile a toothless smile when I say that, that I'm a 60 year old grandpa type who isn't serious and isn't looking but still - you sound fun is what I mean to say.

So, enjoy yourself here (I'm having dentures fitted, no worries - I know, TMI but what the hey, right?)

Let me or any other moderator know if you would like to move the thread from "General Talk" to "New Member" forum, or any other Questions you may have as you travel around your new forum. Oh, just by the way, I should mention that our system requires approval of new Member posts (just to avoid spam-bots, nothing personal) and that there may be some delay between the time you post and the time it is seen. Moderators check frequently but not constantly... you understand.

Cordially,
Sparrowhawke

(I should delete my "toothless" comment, but that's my current condition and I like the descriptor, even though it may not make the best impression)

 

[Holly565]

Just to add: My sister got married last year and while her now DH and I were helping set up the day before the wedding he said that my sis had told him I didn't date and he couldn't figure out why. I said that wasn't exactly true because that made it sound like I made a choice not to date. I said I just don't get the opportunity really. He said I should, that if it was a confidence thing I had nothing to worry about, I was a catch, I should get out more. I tried to explain that I just don't get asked or it never goes anywhere but he seemed to think it was a conscious choice I was majking and I could just change it. I have no idea why. It's not that easy to force people to ask you out ;)

 

[Rollo Tamasi]

Hi Holly, I was 37 years old when I got married.
I tried to date just about every girl in church until one day I met the new girl at work.
God has someone for you.
Just keep praying everyday until he comes along.

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

I am 32 years old. I've never been in a long term relationship. Sometimes I become consumed by trying to figure out why and it does no good. I've read articles about the 'gift of singleness', about God having plans other than marriage for some people, that single people should spend all their free time serving God. I've heard all that.

I'm in the worship band, I volunteer for church events, I'm in a small group, I bake cakes for the homeless food van. I also have a full time job and I'm studying for a professional qualification now too so I don't think I can fit anything else in.

Anyway, there just doesn't seem to be a plan for me, at least not one I can identify. My singleness isn't helping anyone and it's not helping me either. I don't understand the point in it. Sometimes I think, maybe it's just luck of the draw and I haven't met the right guy yet. But whereas my friends (who are now all married) had a number of long term relationships before getting married, I've barely had a handful of dates, and never got past the first one with anybody.

I have a lot of friends, I have a social life, I am nice to people, I try to dress nicely, I hold down a good job, I have my own place. It's not like I'm a social outcast or can't function in society. I'm 5ft 10, 150lbs, fit and active, long brown curly hair and have been told my celebrity double would be Minnie Driver if that helps give you a picture. I don't think I'm ugly, but I'm not confident that I'm attractive either. I just think I'm average and I'm a nice person, no different to anyone else, except that I can't find a partner and it seems everyone else can.

So is it really me, or is it God. And if it's God's plan that none of these dates work, why is it making me so very sad and lonely?


Here's my entire dating history:

• Age 13 - school trip to Germany. The only boy in school who's ever nice to me (I was bullied throughout high school for my very curly hair, being tall and skinny and the fact my Dad was a vicar) asks me dance at the disco. A group of girls start to laugh and tease him for asking me and he walks away and I go and cry in the toilets. He is now married with kids.
• Age 15 - all of my so-called friends have boyfriends, some of them are sleeping with them. One of these girls delights in telling me she and her boyfriend were discussing me and they decided I'd probably make quite a good wife one day but no guy would want me as his girlfriend because I'm way too boring and not very attractive. All of these friends and their boyfriends are now married (although not to each other, and most have kids)
• Age 17 - I'm at a new school and a boy in my history class that I like asks if I want to go to see a band with him. I say I'm sorry but it's a friend's birthday and I can't but I'd love to another time. He never asks again. I try to show interest in him, to be even more friendly in class etc but he brushes me off. He is now married to another schoolfriend and has two kids.
• Age 18 - first year of University my roommates have a party and invite a group of boys. Truth or dare ensues and one of the guys (who I liked) has to pick a girl at the party to kiss. He picks me, we kiss. Later I hear him asking one of my roommates about me and she tells him my Dad is a vicar and it's not worth pursuing anything with me. She ends up sleeping with him instead and I have to listen to them through the wall. Awful.
• Age 19-24 I get approached by a few guys in clubs but I'm not going there. You know, the ones who think they can grab your ass instead of saying hello?
• Age 25 - I meet a guy on a holiday in Canada. He's the tour leader. I know he has a different girl every week and I have to really fight my attraction to him. One night after a group of us go out he tries to come back to my hotel room. We do make out in the doorway but then it takes supreme effort for me to send him away to his room. Not in a mean way, we did some pretty good making out but I tell him I won't have a one night stand and I'm sorry but he should go. After this he barely speaks to me for the rest of the trip.
• Age 25 my best friend is getting married and wants to set me up with the best man at the wedding. She says she's shown him pictures of me and he's interested. At the wedding he never approaches me and my friends and her new DH ask why we're not speaking. I say he hasn't approached me, I guess he changed his mind. They force me to go over to him but he sees me and turns and heads off to talk to some other people so I leave him alone. Later my friend drags me over to him at the bar and introduces us. I try to be really approachable and friendly but it's obvious he doesn't want to know so I don't stay too long. Another guy at the wedding asks for my number but I just don't feel any attraction to him - he only reaches my shoulder in height and it's a deal breaker I'm afraid! Both of these guys were married within a year and the short one has a child.
• Age 26 - I've moved to the US for a year. A new friend sets me up at a party. We are mutually not interested so it's fine. My friend has now been married twice(!) and has a baby.
• Age 29 - I'm back in the UK and living in a new city. A guy starts attending my church and apparently asks a few people about me. Some friends organise a night out and invite him. We get on really well and he asks for my number. We do go on 3 or 4 dates but they don't progress in anyway, it feels like we're strangers each time so i don't really count it as anything. He always asks last minute, like, 'do you want to go get a drink, meet you in 20 minutes?' and doesn't respond if I try to call him in between dates. He also talks only about himself, he doesn't try to get to know me at all. I only kept agreeing because my friends said he was such a good guy and really liked me so I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. The last time we were supposed to go out he stood me up and the next day I see photos of him on facebook in a bar making out with another girl. It later turns out he was also seeing a 3rd girl from a dating site. I stopped responding to his messages and told my friends what had happened. He stopped attending my church shortly after. He is now engaged to the girl from the photos, having moved in with her shortly after meeting, and is having the wedding at my church next month.
• Age 30 - A guy at work starts showing interest but he's Hindu and I don't see how it would work. I discourage him gently. We remain on friendly terms before he leaves for a new job.
• Age 31 - A friend sets me up on a blind date and it seems like we're having a great time when after an hour he says he's sorry but he's really tired and has to go home. I assume I misread the situation and say 'sure, no problem' and try to get out as gracefully as I can while feeling rejected. As we leave the bar he just says 'nice to meet you, bye'. I wonder what I did wrong. The next day my friend says she spoke to him and he really liked me and wants to take me out again - what?? I don't hear from him for 2 days and he texts me saying 'hi, how are you?' I reply straight back and ask how his weekend was and never get a reply. Ever. Never heard from him again.
• Age 31-32 - I work with a new guy who over time I grow to have real feelings for. He's a good guy, and he seems to walking a line between being good friends at work and seeiming to be about to be asking me out but then changing his mind. I think it must be because we work together and he's nervous, which is understandable. I decide to give him more hints and he flirts back. I'm not misreading it, other people comment that he really likes me and that we seem good together. My only concern is he's not a christian. He was brought up Catholic but lapsed as a teenager. I hold out hope that at some point it will happen with us until one day I catch him on a dating site. He knows I saw and gets flustered. I ask how he's finding it, I've never tried online dating. He tells me he met a girl last week, she seemed nice but he's not sure if they clicked. He looks like he really doesn't want to tell me this. I try to be cool, like yeah, I'm not bothered, but later on he asks what I think of him doing it. He wants me know he's not sleeping with loads of people, he's just gone on a few dates. I tell him if he had asked, I would have said yes to a date. He tells me I don't really know him and it's better if we don't cross that line. His behaviour changes after that. He's friendly, but he's definitely not flirty or encouraging in any way. I force myself to keep away from him because it's awkward. I never ask about his personal life.
• Age 32 - I try online dating on a christian website. Very few people in my age bracket and location. I get quite a few messages but from guys 20 years older, mostly divorced, some with kids, and a few 10 years younger who live with their parents. Not what I imagined. Just one guy catches my eye and he emails me asking if I want to meet for coffee. It goes really well, he texts me immediately after and asks me out again for the following week. Then he reschedules. Then he reschedules again and I don't hear from him in the meantime. Then I text him on the day he'd suggested last to double check he's still ok for that night and he says he's really sorry he forgot, maybe the weekend? I say it seems like he's really busy and if he just isn't into this then it's fine, maybe he doesn't have tme for dating right now? He comes back with 'Great to meet you, have a nice life.' and I never hear anything. Not that I really want to after that response.

So you see, nothing ever seems to go anywhere. I've had this conversation with my married friends who just say I should be happy I don't have any hassle and can do whatever I want. I seem fine on my own, I don't need a partner. But I don't think they understand what it's like to come home to an empty house, to go to bed and wake up alone everyday, to have no one love you that way. It hurts when one of the husbands is away for work and the wife will organise a girls night in because she needs the company, or when one husband was away for 2 weeks and everyone was 'oh, poor Sarah, she must be so lonely, we should all keep her company' but it never occurs to them I'm alone all the time. I guess I do a very good job of seeming happy and independent! They are great, I love my friends, but my heart hurts when we all head home after a dinner or a party and they all get into their cars or start walking in couples and i head off alone.

Am I doing something wrong to mean guys just don't see me as an option. Or does God have some plan I just can't figure out. Would he keep guys away from me?Is it possible? It feels like whatever I do, men just don't want to know unless it's on a purely friend level. I have male friends, but no relationships.

I can look back on my history objectively and say none of these guys was the right guy anyway so what does it matter. But many people meet many wrong guys but they still have relationships. Why don't I?

Has anyone else thought like this, or does anyone have any advice?

Hi. Heres a few thoughts i have ....

1. Why not ask a few male Friends that you trust, if they can be totally honest with you about if theres anything about you that would not be desirable to a man , whether it be in your personality or otherwise ? Ask a couple of trusted female friends too.

2. Realize that many many people dont get married for their first time till they are middle aged . The advantage to this is both are more mature, are better off financially, maybe have their house paid off, and are stable in a job. Plus, by then, both have had alot of life experiences with other people so they can be more objective in their search for a marital partner.

3. Realize that marriage isnt for everyone. A very high percentage of people shouldnt have gotton married at all, while others rushed into it and chose the wrong person ...only to regret it now, and many people should have just remained good friends with the person they married .

4. Marriage is extremely difficult these days. Problems are multiplied, communication often breaks down, promises are often tossed , extra marital affairs are commonplace, and divorce is over one half. Its NOT as green on that side of the fence as most believe it to be. Further, martial partners change over time and they dont remain the person they once were when you married them. Plainly put, its more work than what many people think because Hollywood glamorizes it so much.

5. A Single Person can have a nice fulfilled Christian Life if thats what God desires for them. There are more benefit to being Single than Married as most believe today.

6. Having a good network of friends is very important whilst youre single for this season of your life.

7. Trusting that God knows whats best for your life, is absolutely required and you must learn to be happy with that. He knows your life from beginning till end and thats worth trusting in.

 

[Knotical]

It could be that your focus is in the wrong place. I didn't get married until after I stopped actively looking for a wife. You need to ask God what His plans are for you and wait for his answer. Don't go searching everywhere for "love" as you may never find it. God has someone in mind for you and will bring that person into your life at the right time, just be ready for it.

 

[Sparkey]

Back when I was in Bible College the ladies there sometimes complained because of a stigma attached to Christian Women. They would speculate that since sex was off the table, they were too. Sad, isn't it? I used to think of it as part of my "ministry" to just go out and have fun with people. Dating is a ministry too. We don't have to have specific goals in mind to engage in enjoyable activities. I'd date my son, if I could use the term loosely, that is.

There is no reason to believe there is anything wrong with you. There are many reasons to believe that there is something drastically wrong with the "dating scene" of modern day. What to do? When single, a friend of mine suggested that I take the attitude of, "Well, more time for the relationship between me and my best friend, the one that sticks closer than a brother." I didn't think that his advice was all that sympathetic to my situation but it's true. Pretty sure that's the gist of what Paul said.

In any case, prayers are with you and know that it does not please the Lord to keep from you from the full desires of your good heart. Continue to put Him first in all things, consider His ways and know that all things will be added unto you.

Cordially,
Sparrow

 

[for_his_glory]

Hi Holly and welcome to the forums. I pray you will be blessed and uplifted here and looking forward to sharing Gods word with you.

I have been married twice and divorced twice. I think I was more in love with the thought of being married that I overlooked who I was marrying. The first time I was 19 and that marriage lasted about ten years and was not a happy marriage for the most part. The second marriage I was 32 and that marriage only lasted two years. From the age of 34 to 44 I only dated two guys who I thought the relationships were going towards marriage, but I am glad they did not because now I can look back and see they also would have ended miserably. I wanted someone in my life to share my Christian walk with, but I thought God wanted me to be single for some greater purpose even though I was lonely in my heart inspite of all the people around me. I gave up looking for a husband and was very content to enjoy a singles life, but God had other plans. I started going to another Church when I was 44 and it happened without me even looking. There was a guy there that I was not physicaly attracted to, but there was something about his eyes that drew me to him. I could see the love of Christ in his eyes. We soon became friends and sat after Church and shared the word together and also got to know each other better. Well a long story short after a month I actually asked him out and we have been happily married for 15 years now. So I guess what I am saying is quit looking and just let it happen as God will put the right man in your path if marriage is your desire, but it's up to you to see him.