As an ex-Christian, it appears that in your callowness you have allowed your intelligence to stifle your heart, and if you continue in this way, it will result in the death of your soul. Perdition is final. Perhaps that doesn't make you tremble, but if you had had to live your life in a way which did not allow for much pampering of females, then you would know the value of fear. Modernism has allowed you reprieve, such that you will have no excuse.
As an ex-Christian, you do not presently serve a good master. Your purpose here is not to help people, but to ensnare them, for whatever small benefit you derive from your present master. Some would argue that an ex-Christian cannot be led to repentance, which may be so, but repentance is a work of God.
You are also tormented by your dilemma. I will speak to that part of you, for that is your only hope. I will use logic, for that is your bulwark and tool, and it is my forte. I will not argue specific verses, for you do not really care about the authority of scripture.
But first I will use a parable, which the Lord provided for me this morning. When watering my sheep, I drew water from a secondary water barrel, as I had emptied the primary. The secondary had been in disuse during this last pump cycle, as I had recently slaughtered the remainder of our hens. As it was in disuse, I did not look into the barrel for about a week. When I looked into the mostly full barrel, I found a little fledgling sparrow, floating face-down and dead with it's wings open on the surface. We kept the hens for many years, such that the hen's water barrel was seen-to twice a day, and this had never happened to me previously. This was not incidental. It was a sign, and when a short time later I found this thread, I knew that this is why. But, perhaps using a sparrow’s life seems unjust to you, to save your own.
"Why is there something rather than nothing?" Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz
Logically, that is the age-old question, which is inescapable. Steven Hawking’s rebuttal about spontaneous negative work doesn’t hold water. Next, you may realize that an intelligent Creator, having created an intelligent creature, would communicate with him as part of an overall plan. Hence, the Bible.
Christianity is the only religion which posits as Truth that one is incapable of saving oneself by works, but rather, one must rely on God to work in one's mind, heart, soul, and strength. A soul is a remnant of a spirit body which has suffered the death penalty, and is on life support as a matter of mercy. For, through the acceptance of salvation in Jesus Christ, one may go from a bipartite to a tripartite state of existence, from body/soul to body/soul/spirit. Not a pep-rally spirit, a spirit body; but not in one Day (concurrent resurrection of the spirit body). Otherwise, the soul that sins shall die. Like a little sparrow, that doesn't know that the water is deep, and that even new (o)pinions cannot lift one from the pit, once wet behind the wings, no matter how vigorously it flappers. Know fear, and know the love that is being offered to you, and so pray from your heart to return to Jesus. The heart of man (and woman) is desperately wicked. I am talking to the torment of your desperation. The emptiness of your disparity may yet be healed.
You wish for justice; well. Start with the fact that you do not know what justice is. All you know is that you have been thrown into a pit of injustice. One who is guilty of transgressing one part of the law is guilty of transgressing all of the law. You are the rapist. You are the murderer. You are the adulterer. You are here as a result of a death penalty, as are all the rest of us. All souls have sinned. If you repent and believe, you may qualify for a pardon. Qualification does not mean that you are assured, except for basic salvation. Neither is there eternal security; beyond the all-grace period, you must abide within the diminishing measures of grace, Day by Day. There are rules to this game. Find them. It is not a game. I place before you this day, life and death.
Begin with the understanding that God is just, and the Bible is true. It is your understanding that is lacking. Apply yourself to understanding the truth, rather than looking for fault through rose-colored glasses. That requires time, and you cannot just settle on a short-sighted answer derived from a few books and internet searches, as impressive as your acumen is. If you are not standing with the Lord as your head, then you are standing on your own head; no wonder that the world is upside down and backwards. Wisdom and Prudence are the Lords constant companions, and so are Discernment and Knowledge. Befriend them, for they can be your sisters. If you have left your father's heart, and cannot marry, then cling to the heart of a man of God, and renew the well-springs of life. The juxtaposed kingdom of God is an orderly hierarchy which is led by sons of God, who are not independent of daughters of God. Be glad that you are a woman, for it is easier for an imperfect woman to serve an imperfect man than to serve a perfect God. Do not wish to be a man, or to take upon yourself a man’s burden, for you will find sorrow there. Show your willingness to seek understanding, and to serve. This is the way; may you be well in it.
