Beloved tonia, I would like to encourage you with this, ...you are here, you are searching, God loves you, He is crazy, madly in love with you, so much so you were on His mind when He was hanging on the Cross, that was about a 1980 years ago, He knew all of your sins before you were born and He paid for each and every one of them that day, you are forgiven, in fact you are exonerated, just as if you had never sinned. It's the enemy of your soul that is accusing you, that is the meaning of the name satan, the accuser, he's whispering in your mind these lies.
Ponder on this verse, memorize it, appropriate it into your soul,
But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. Jas 3:17
Do you see that, the wisdom that comes from God gives us peace, you don't have peace dear one, so that can only mean what you think the verses you mentioned mean are not the way the Holy Spirit intended them to be interpreted.
Second if a person has been given over by God to a reprobate mind they are not interested in God, salvation, Jesus, anything to do with God,
And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Rom 1:28
But you are interested in having a personal. intimate relationship with the Lord Jesus, just like the prodigal son you have returned to the Father, that is proof positive you DO NOT have a reprobate mind, ...here, let's read the end of that story,
And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. And he arose, and came to his father.
Isn't that what you have done dear one, ...returned to the Father?
But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.
That is how Father feels about you, that's why Jesus told the story, for people like you and me that feel so unworthy, ...Jesus said you shall know the Truth and the Truth shall set you free, ...the enemy of your soul is robbing you of this wisdom by whispering lies into your mind, twisting Scripture, just like he did with Eve, just like he did with Jesus , just like he has done with me and just like he is doing with you beloved!
Remember what James said, wisdom from the Holy Spirit gives us peace, is gentle, merciful, without hypocrisy (Father didn't once love you and now He doesn't, that would be hypocrisy) ...you are being lied to and don't let any of his lying ministers tell you different. 2 Cor 11:13, 14, 15
And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.Luke 15:17-24
Father has clothed you with His righteousness, you are sealed with and by the Holy Spirit until the day of redemption and you have shoes on your feet (slaves went barefoot), and Jesus wants to make merry with you, remember He said, any who hear Me knock at the door (of their heart) and let Me in, I will eat with them and them with Me.
Do you want Jesus to eat with you? Then take Communion, right now, go get some bread, a cracker, a cookie, whatever, pour yourself something to drink, even if it's water and remember what He has done for you, ...reflect on the fact He paid for all of your sins on the Cross, ...even the ones you haven't committed yet, but you will, ...Jesus said, eat of my Body and drink of my Blood, today's church has limited us to a crumb and a sip, but Jesus didn't set that limit, so if you eat a handful of bread and a cup or two of water, rejoice, ...cuz He's keeping His promise, He's eating with you, ...His prized possession.
Be blessed dear one, Jesus is madly in love with you no matter what you think.