Hello all. This is my first post. I haven't introduced myself, I don't know if I had before posting a anything else but I'll share my testimony anyway. It will be long, I apologize in advance.
I live in Quebec, in Canada. English is not my first language, so I hope that I won't make too many mistakes. I'm 31 years old, I grew up in a christian home so I've always been aware of the Gospel. But the drama is that in spite of the knowledge that I've always had, I've lived a sinful life nearly all my life, and I found out very recently (like 2 weeks ago) that I have actually never known God, even though I thought I had a relationship with him. I was totally deceived, and I was deceived all my life about many things actually. I neglected him all my life, I sinned very badly, and now I truly believe that it's just too late for waking up.
As a child, I "accepted Jesus in my life". So I thought I was christian because I would pray, I understood his sacrifice on the cross for me and I "accepted it".... At some point I tried to please him by not sinning too much and when I did, I would ask for forgiveness and try to not do it again ... But the problem is that I hadn't commited my life and my being totally to Christ, and I hadn't totally put my faith on what he did for me on the cross. Without I realised it, I wasn't basing my salvation on the cross, but on my works. So even though I prayed as a child and all, I wasn't actually christian. I would pray a God from my imagination.
As a teenager, sin began to influence me more and more, and I just quit praying and all the stuff I did as a child to please God... or rather, to please the God from my imagination. So I just quit praying, going to church, etc and got involved in sins (drug, partying, sexe, etc).
When I was 19 years old, I began to be conscious that I wasn't on the right track. So I restarted to interest myself to God... or rather the God from my fleshy imagination... I started to go on a christian website, I would read stuff... I was starting to feeling more and more sensitive, started to pray again. One day while I was driving in my car I had some christian music on in my radio. And the lyrics were about the love of God and they made me burst out crying. I realised all the wrongs that I commited against a Holy loving God and I asked him for forgiveness and told him I wanted to stop sinning and live for Him. I am pretty sure I actually had the godly sorrow because from that day I really think that my heart had changed. I started to enjoy praying, enjoy going to church, enjoy read His Word, enjoy worshipping, loved people, hated sins. I quitted my sins without difficulties because my heart had changed, and I started loving rightouness and having desires for the Kingdom of God. I remember when I prayed, I would always ask God to make me more and more like Jesus. I felt close to God.
But in spite of all that, I don't think I was genuinely saved. Maybe I was but today, thinking back of that time, I'm 95% sure I wasn't. At the time I really thought I had given my life to God and was walking with Him, but today I think I hadn't fully surrendered to Jesus and hadn't put my faith 100% on the work the cross. The reason that makes me think that is because I never really had a full insurance of my salvation. I remember that I would often doubt because of all the bad things I had done in the past. Plus, a few weeks after my "conversion", I found out about the blaspheme against the H.S and it terrorized me. From when I found out about this sin, I started to be very scared that I commited. And since I was now aware that there was an unpardonnable sin, I started to have intrusive thoughts that I really didn't want to have, and making me believe that I truly commited it. Had I fully understood that salvation depends only on faith in Jesus-Christ and not on what you have done or haven't done, I would have understood that I hadn't committed it. I understood in my mind that salvation was only about the death of Jesus on the cross, but I think I hadn't received it in my heart, for the reason I just explained. To be perfectly honest I think that without I realised it, I still had a certain pride left that made me base my salvation onto my works, onto the changes that occured in me. I can't believe I was deceived like that because I truly believed that I was Christian.
So in spite of my doubts and my fears, I would continue my so-called christian life normally. I was still able to function normally. But about 1 year after my "conversion", I little by little restarted to make the sins that I previously had got rid of. The reason ? The doubts that I had about my salvation didn't help at all with my relationship with God. But in addition to doubts, there were things in my life that weren't going to my liking. I was starting to become bitter and jealous for the things that some had that I didn't. Over the years, I would sin more and more, and repent less and less. One night, I had sexe with a girl I didn't know that I met at a bar. And instead of repenting, that made me feel like restarting. I started wanting to sleep with women. That's what led me to consciously forsake God and to stop repenting. I feel so bad and so condemned for what I just wrote and for the other things that I am about to write.
In my mind, I never meant to forsake God for a long term. I had those very bad fleshy selfish lust that I wanted to fulfill, and I thought that I could temporarily leave God, and come back later on. I thought that it would last only a few weeks or a few months and then after that I would come back fully to him. But I was such a fool. I went on like that for 5 or 6 years actually. It started with wanting to date women, but one bad desire led to other sins. I made myself a slave of sexe, I became perverted. I just can't believe how pathetic I was for leaving God for that. During those years, I was perfectly aware that I was very wrong, but I kept getting stubborn and telling myself that I eventually would repent. There were actually a few times where I had asked God for forgiveness and tried to come back at Him and quit my sinful life. But in my heart I would not be sincere enough so I would go back to my sinful lifestyle.
My conscience told me many times that I was playing a dangerous game. I didn't listen it, thinking that I would never got to a point where I wouldn't be able to repent. Again, what I was such a fool. I took God for granted, I thought that at the moment I turn to Him, he would forgive me. But I had no peace at all.
This backsliding period went on for more than 5 years, until the day I became totally distress. All my joy left me, I became depressed, sad. Life became so pointless. Everything I was doing seemed to be pointless. I realised the mistake I made of turning away from God so I tried to come back to Him and since that day I've quitted all my sins and all my fleshy desires.
It's been now 5 months that I have been seeking Him but I can't see Him. Many times I have asked Him for forgiveness, cried out for help, asked Him to take my life and to do whatever he wants with it. The problem is that all those requests I've been asking Him come only from my mind, but not from my heart so I am not restored and not forgiven. I've quitted all my sins and all my lusts, but they haven't been replaced by anything good so I am just totally empty inside. All those years living in sins caused my heart to harden and to become very selfish, evil, proud... My mind fully understand the ugliness of my sins and want to flee them, but my heart still love them despite all the damage that they cause. My mind wants Jesus and God so bad, but my heart resists and would like to do whatever it wants. So there is this division in my being going on, and it makes me suffer. I need God so much, but I am pretty sure that he left me with myself and with my corrupted sinful nature and with my rotten flesh. I simply can't serve God, can't do anything good work and can't have any good thoughts. That's what I get for thinking that I could neglect God, for thinking that I was better than most people.
Anyway... I am just pathetic. I could continue but I'll stop here. I wish I was able to cling on Jesus and on what he did for me on the cross but I can't. I'm stuck with myself and its sinful nature. Is there anything can do to suffer less ?
I live in Quebec, in Canada. English is not my first language, so I hope that I won't make too many mistakes. I'm 31 years old, I grew up in a christian home so I've always been aware of the Gospel. But the drama is that in spite of the knowledge that I've always had, I've lived a sinful life nearly all my life, and I found out very recently (like 2 weeks ago) that I have actually never known God, even though I thought I had a relationship with him. I was totally deceived, and I was deceived all my life about many things actually. I neglected him all my life, I sinned very badly, and now I truly believe that it's just too late for waking up.
As a child, I "accepted Jesus in my life". So I thought I was christian because I would pray, I understood his sacrifice on the cross for me and I "accepted it".... At some point I tried to please him by not sinning too much and when I did, I would ask for forgiveness and try to not do it again ... But the problem is that I hadn't commited my life and my being totally to Christ, and I hadn't totally put my faith on what he did for me on the cross. Without I realised it, I wasn't basing my salvation on the cross, but on my works. So even though I prayed as a child and all, I wasn't actually christian. I would pray a God from my imagination.
As a teenager, sin began to influence me more and more, and I just quit praying and all the stuff I did as a child to please God... or rather, to please the God from my imagination. So I just quit praying, going to church, etc and got involved in sins (drug, partying, sexe, etc).
When I was 19 years old, I began to be conscious that I wasn't on the right track. So I restarted to interest myself to God... or rather the God from my fleshy imagination... I started to go on a christian website, I would read stuff... I was starting to feeling more and more sensitive, started to pray again. One day while I was driving in my car I had some christian music on in my radio. And the lyrics were about the love of God and they made me burst out crying. I realised all the wrongs that I commited against a Holy loving God and I asked him for forgiveness and told him I wanted to stop sinning and live for Him. I am pretty sure I actually had the godly sorrow because from that day I really think that my heart had changed. I started to enjoy praying, enjoy going to church, enjoy read His Word, enjoy worshipping, loved people, hated sins. I quitted my sins without difficulties because my heart had changed, and I started loving rightouness and having desires for the Kingdom of God. I remember when I prayed, I would always ask God to make me more and more like Jesus. I felt close to God.
But in spite of all that, I don't think I was genuinely saved. Maybe I was but today, thinking back of that time, I'm 95% sure I wasn't. At the time I really thought I had given my life to God and was walking with Him, but today I think I hadn't fully surrendered to Jesus and hadn't put my faith 100% on the work the cross. The reason that makes me think that is because I never really had a full insurance of my salvation. I remember that I would often doubt because of all the bad things I had done in the past. Plus, a few weeks after my "conversion", I found out about the blaspheme against the H.S and it terrorized me. From when I found out about this sin, I started to be very scared that I commited. And since I was now aware that there was an unpardonnable sin, I started to have intrusive thoughts that I really didn't want to have, and making me believe that I truly commited it. Had I fully understood that salvation depends only on faith in Jesus-Christ and not on what you have done or haven't done, I would have understood that I hadn't committed it. I understood in my mind that salvation was only about the death of Jesus on the cross, but I think I hadn't received it in my heart, for the reason I just explained. To be perfectly honest I think that without I realised it, I still had a certain pride left that made me base my salvation onto my works, onto the changes that occured in me. I can't believe I was deceived like that because I truly believed that I was Christian.
So in spite of my doubts and my fears, I would continue my so-called christian life normally. I was still able to function normally. But about 1 year after my "conversion", I little by little restarted to make the sins that I previously had got rid of. The reason ? The doubts that I had about my salvation didn't help at all with my relationship with God. But in addition to doubts, there were things in my life that weren't going to my liking. I was starting to become bitter and jealous for the things that some had that I didn't. Over the years, I would sin more and more, and repent less and less. One night, I had sexe with a girl I didn't know that I met at a bar. And instead of repenting, that made me feel like restarting. I started wanting to sleep with women. That's what led me to consciously forsake God and to stop repenting. I feel so bad and so condemned for what I just wrote and for the other things that I am about to write.
In my mind, I never meant to forsake God for a long term. I had those very bad fleshy selfish lust that I wanted to fulfill, and I thought that I could temporarily leave God, and come back later on. I thought that it would last only a few weeks or a few months and then after that I would come back fully to him. But I was such a fool. I went on like that for 5 or 6 years actually. It started with wanting to date women, but one bad desire led to other sins. I made myself a slave of sexe, I became perverted. I just can't believe how pathetic I was for leaving God for that. During those years, I was perfectly aware that I was very wrong, but I kept getting stubborn and telling myself that I eventually would repent. There were actually a few times where I had asked God for forgiveness and tried to come back at Him and quit my sinful life. But in my heart I would not be sincere enough so I would go back to my sinful lifestyle.
My conscience told me many times that I was playing a dangerous game. I didn't listen it, thinking that I would never got to a point where I wouldn't be able to repent. Again, what I was such a fool. I took God for granted, I thought that at the moment I turn to Him, he would forgive me. But I had no peace at all.
This backsliding period went on for more than 5 years, until the day I became totally distress. All my joy left me, I became depressed, sad. Life became so pointless. Everything I was doing seemed to be pointless. I realised the mistake I made of turning away from God so I tried to come back to Him and since that day I've quitted all my sins and all my fleshy desires.
It's been now 5 months that I have been seeking Him but I can't see Him. Many times I have asked Him for forgiveness, cried out for help, asked Him to take my life and to do whatever he wants with it. The problem is that all those requests I've been asking Him come only from my mind, but not from my heart so I am not restored and not forgiven. I've quitted all my sins and all my lusts, but they haven't been replaced by anything good so I am just totally empty inside. All those years living in sins caused my heart to harden and to become very selfish, evil, proud... My mind fully understand the ugliness of my sins and want to flee them, but my heart still love them despite all the damage that they cause. My mind wants Jesus and God so bad, but my heart resists and would like to do whatever it wants. So there is this division in my being going on, and it makes me suffer. I need God so much, but I am pretty sure that he left me with myself and with my corrupted sinful nature and with my rotten flesh. I simply can't serve God, can't do anything good work and can't have any good thoughts. That's what I get for thinking that I could neglect God, for thinking that I was better than most people.
Anyway... I am just pathetic. I could continue but I'll stop here. I wish I was able to cling on Jesus and on what he did for me on the cross but I can't. I'm stuck with myself and its sinful nature. Is there anything can do to suffer less ?
