[__ Prayer __] its never seems to stop...

[Christ_empowered]

I actually ventured out into the world today, lol. I went to WalMart to get food and such, no big thing (for most people...). I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was calm throughout the shopping time, until the self-check didn't recognize my card. That was special....had to pay cash...

Anyway, I came back home. I park out front, under a big old holly tree, near one neighbor's front porch. OK. So, I saw people on the porch before I got out of the car. I stopped the car, took a deep breath, gathered up my phone, keys, blah blah blah, got out, unlocked the car, and got out the bags.

Some dude over at the neighbors (they're a big southern family, so they've got inlaws, outlaws, friends, blah blah blah) was talking about "I don't care. He consented. He can never be a man. Now he has schizophrenia." Just a little background...

Yes, I was flamboyantly gay. As happens to many younger gay dudes, dudes took pictures of me (without my knowledge) which have since been distributed in my small, southern town. I've never seen the pix or the video (yes, 1 of those, too), but another set of neighbors has yelled at me about it. Fun times.

Anyway...I won't get graphic, but...about 10 years ago, people were talking about me engaging in sexual conduct that I didn't remember then, and certainly don't remember now. Now, people are talking about some incident they say I "consented to" and that's why I have "schizophrenia," and why I can "never become a man."

Things heated up with all this --after-- I got saved. Its gotten more intense, I think, since my people forgave me and I've been made able to apply Christian morality to my life (including sexuality, of course). Basically...I lived in a fairyland from "too much electroshock." I was involuntarily shocked back to the stone age at age 20, and again at age 23. I've only now recovered, maybe in the past 6 months-1 year, and only because God is infinitely merciful and kind to His children.

Its...crazy. Let me explain something...when you've been shocked heavily--especially if, like me, they did it without your knowledge or consent, and you were never informed that you were shocked--life is hard. My anxiety actually got worse, most of my memories were wiped out, my IQ dropped a lot, my eyes went dead, I had a tic disorder, I'd talk to myself, I was unable to learn new material or express myself adequately...and I was easily exploited, and not just sexually. My so-called "friends" used me, acquaintances used me, my parents could even be cruel...I was pathetic and wretched, and I remained that way until fairly recently.

So, now...I've overheard men saying this stuff before...they say I can never become a man because of sexual activity I may not even have consented to. I'm Born Again, celibate, I'm much more normal in all respects, and now...I get slapped with the "never become a man thing," and whatever this is it may very well have been a rape or...something.

I'm venting, I guess. Its just...all this sexual, sodomy stuff is bothering me. I get called a passed around (any number of terms for gay dudes) on a regular basis, and that's just in my neighborhood. One set of neighrbors has yelled out a couple times..."he got passed around, and now he's too old!"

I just turned 32. I now look noticeably younger than my age, but that's not the issue. I've only recently come out of severe, deliberately inflicted brain damage, and only by the grace of God. I don't know what's going on here, and I don't remember a whole lot. Honestly, with the angry tone people talk to, at, and about me in...I get kinda scared. I shouldn't, but I do.

Please pray. I know, I've brought this up numerous times, but...this is The Bible Belt ("1,000 miles wide, 1 inch deep"), and I was a flamboyantly gay dude until recently. Now, I'm remarkably normal, and that seems to infuriate some people around here. As in...now that I'm more masculine, dudes will say stuff like "oh, he's trying to be a man! ha ha!" and sick stuff like that.

Ugh. I know a lot of you keep me up in prayer, anyway (I thank you for that, I do), I just...well, part venting, part...I'm trying to put together all the stuff that's been swirling around me since I moved home about 5 years ago. Its...crazy (and crazy-making, too). Thanks.

 

[Knotical]

On one level you can certainly turn the other check, but on another level I have to wonder why you stay in that community. Obviously, there are those who have not forgiven you of your past transgressions, even though it is evident that God has.

On the one hand you can most certainly pray for those who persecute you, but there is something to be said about not having to put yourself through the same abuse day after day.

From what I have seen you post on these forums it appears you have grown to a rather level-headed individual who is wanting to move on from your past. It is possible that another community might provide the fresh start you may need. Of course I have no idea what God's plan is for your life, but these are things to consider and pray about.

 

[AirDancer]

You continue in my prayers, Christ_empowered .... and prayers are stepped up for our Lord's intervention in the hearts of those neighbors.

You are a man, my friend. A child couldn't face the harsh treatment to which you are subjected to on occasion. A child wouldn't be brave in the face of such animosity and still retain firm faith in our Lord. You are indeed a man. A man who continues to grow strong because of our Lord's precious love for you. A man who our Lord has brought forth to us to serve as an inspiration for many....and I am one of those who have learned and grown because you have shared moments of your life with us.

I thank our Lord for you!

 

[Christ_empowered]

Thank you both.

I think I should stay with my parents until I'm off (misdemeanor) probation. My big fear would be I move out into a little apt. or something (which my parents would probably have to shell out $$$ for, anyway) and then the probation officer starts making my life a living hell, or someone in the neighborhood decides to make my life a living hell, or...you get the picture. I mean, its bad enough here, living with my people in their (rather nice) house. People yell at me stuff like "yeah, you had a PUBLIC DEFENDER!" and "hate to tell you, but thems felony charges!" My dad was kind enough to hire an attorney and the lawyer dude managed to get an initial felony charge lowered to a serious misdemeanor charge. See what I'm saying here? Not only do I have stigma all over because of things I actually did and/or were done to me, I have stigma attached to me because people won't drop $25 and do a proper background check online.

To be fair, I was wretched before Christ saved me. Most people are, just...some of us more obviously than others, I suppose.

Its strange, to me at least. I'm blessed all over! Finishing a degree online, living comfortably+safely with my parents (who now love me and have forgiven me), a work-able plea bargain, good physical health (I even have lots of hair now, lol), and...many days I don't even have to step outside. This one particularly redneck-y set of neighbors yells at and about me...stuff like "better get ready for prison!" and "serve the warrant!" and "some prison time would be good for him!," on and on it goes.

Moving would be ideal, but...if I go to another county (SC has like 30something counties, btw), I'd have to get a transfer done. If I even move within the county, that has to be approved. Moving out of state would be hard for a number of reasons, one being that, oddly enough, it seems that its more difficult to do that with misdemeanor than with felony probation. That's the other weird thing....I have a Class A misdemeanor which somehow got me 5 years probation. I'm not complaining, but people get that much for serious felonies...I think this is how "uppity mental patients" are treated in the court room, lol. Rambling...

Oh well. On the plus side, a term of probation is taking my prescribed meds at home. This is much, much better than being injected with something and...its certainly made my recovery a lot easier, as one can imagine.

Rambling again. Its just...wow. Maybe I just need to toughen up. I was a flamer...an over the hill flamer, at that, until recently. See, I got saved, age 28. In The Bible Belt, that's over the hill for a flamer. I was still a flamer until fairly recently...now that I think about it, the end of the flaming days overlaps with my recovery...and now, I'm not heterosexual, but I'm not over the hill or flaming or...you get the picture. My face even got more masculine. Nobody really cares what makes a flamer a flamer, but...I suspect a hormonal problem, until God fixed it. Seriously. Makes me wonder about all these trans-everything people, you know?

Point is...I was who I was for a long, long time. This is my hometown. The Lord has changed me through and through, no doubt about it. I even have (weirdly enough) a different hair color than before it all fell out. So, yeah...completely different. I can't expect people who are in and of the world, especially people who are so used to being able to put me down, laugh at me, etc. to suddenly come around and say "why, yes...Jesus healed a flamer!" I mean, its The Bible Belt: our Jesus heals manly men and women who stay in the kitchen.

I've rambled quite enough. Thanks again for the replies.