Warrior4Jesus
Member
Hello, My name is Chris and I am a 34 year old man. I am either a deep thinking highly intelligent man or I only think that I am and regardless it causes me problems with society. I am not necessarily disciplined in the verbal or written application of my thoughts but none the less I am driven by them and they are the outward appearance that others see. As you read what I am typing you may notice that I jump around a lot or I am not focused in my delivery.... Please read above to understand that. I have been a christian since I was a child if you would ask me because I grew up in the church. But just about 8 years ago is when I would say I made a serious commitment. I could write a novel about all the mistakes I've made as well as could most that would be honest with themselves. So I wont beat myself about them because they are done and over with and I try not to repeat. About 4-5 years ago I went through a very nasty long divorce to my first wife that was mentally and emotionally abusive to me. I was with her for 13 years despite multiple acts of infidelity on her part and to be honest a few on mine. It is really unclear as to whom did first and I don't really think it matters. I have always tried to do what was right and raise my 3 boys in the same fashion, but it was very difficult with their mother always going against what I would say. To make a long story short I had lost the respect of my family and I guess that is my fault and I deserved what I got, or at least that's what I was told by the so called christian's in my life. So after the despicable, evil, terrible divorce I had to watch my children be around a bunch of different men and endure them calling me someone else's name when I did get to see them because they spent more time with them than me. To make matters worse my ex was deliberately trying to sabotage my relationship with me by lying to them and keeping me from them knowing I didn't have the finances to fight it in court (which is the only way to battle a civil matter). You can imagine the mental stresses of a young man trying to serve God going through these trials in his life. In January of 2013 I was driving in North Carolina in my semi and a lady in a minivan crossed the median coming around a corner and I swerved to miss her and rolled my tanker truck into an adjacent field ending my employment, health, and immediate financial future. I spent the next 4 months in and out of the hospital and rehab and upon being able to go back to work I was terminated. I spent the next 4 months in serious depression because nobody would hire me and my area didn't have a lot of jobs available and I wasn't really qualified to do anything but drive a truck. In August I applied with a local electrician to be his apprentice and began working for him......Things were looking up. I met a lady on a dating web site and had the type of romance and relationship with her that you could only dream of. She wasn't perfect but she was perfect for me. As you can imagine I had trust issues from my previous 13 year relationship and I brought that to my new relationship. I sought counseling. We met in August, engaged in November, moved in together in December, Married in February 2014. January 2014 My wife had an accident where she was lucky and escaped bodily injury but put us in yet another financial burden. Lost my job with the electrician as I could not overcome my fear of heights and I couldn't work up high fast enough to suit him. Spent most of that year trying to make up for it and make ends meet. Finally got another driving job. During the entire time the tensions between myself and my ex were tense as we both struggled for control in an unknown struggle. January 2015 Things finally looking up financial situation better relationship tensions low, no I would say gone. Talking to my wife on the phone while driving locally (with a headset both of us) I hear her utter the words OH S%@#! during a snow storm on her way home and that's the last I was able to speak with her until probably May of 2015. A driver on his way home lost control of his vehicle, crossed the median and hit her head on. Silence on the end of the line I was scared, devastated, weak, sick, frantic all of the above. She was in a coma for 2 months (non medically induced) after suffering a diffuse axxonal brain injury. ( Shaken baby syndrome in an adult). The hospital told me that she would not wake up for 6 months to a year and that she would be most likely severely brain damaged. I was once again shaken to the very core and devastated. She did wake up in 2 months infantile unable to do anything but stare at the ceiling and randomly move her eyes. During her coma the Hospital did not treat her well. They allowed her to lay in urine and feces so long she developed seeping sores that would bleed. Her injuries were allowed to have her body fluids soak into them and my cries for them to take better care of her went answered in the same tired way. we're doing what we can, we dont have time to watch her that close etc etc. this went on for a month and a half. When I threatened to go to the media I was thrown out of the hospital on false accusations and treated like a criminal. I had video and photographic proof( still do) that they were mistreating her but because it was a billion dollar big hospital my attempts at righting the wrongs went unanswered. I'm 6 foot 1 and weigh in around 300+ lbs and I sat there crying like a little baby begging them to take care of her better or to allow me to no avail. I will forever remember that moment. Finally she was transferred into a rehab hospital in a different state and I sold everything we had to go and be with her determined to see she was better treated. She has made progress, miraculous progress. but the challenges we still face are she cannot walk due to partial paralysis on the left side from her TBI (traumatic brain injury). She has no recollection of meeting me, dating me, marrying me, or anything in the last 10 to 15 years. She has a revolving memory loss so much she doesn't remember coming home from the hospital just back in July. If we are gone for more than a couple days she doesn't remember our current home. I won't go into everything but my already stressed faith is now even weaker and I feel like I'm on the verge of giving up. I have no friends. I am not a good enough person I guess. I will just be honest and say I hate how people are. I believe they are all mean self serving individuals that have no idea how to Love others as Christ instructs us to. My local churches are the type to say glad you're here on Sunday and who are you on the other 6 days of the week. My local pastor thinks I need to have more "coins" to get people in the community to do things for me or like me. He says I don't do enough for them so why should I expect them to do for me. I'm not entirely sure that's a correct way to think. I know I am glad Jesus didn't expect us to do more before he would die on the cross for us. To be fair nobody has ever asked me to do anything for them, they don't even talk to me....more like avoid me, And I can understand why because I'm not exactly an overflowing fountain of positive energy or circumstances. Bad things happen to me no matter how positive I try to be. So here I am living with a woman who says she loves me because I'm the only constant in her life that she can remember from the present with little to no help without enough money to survive on no way to go to work without putting her in a nursing home ( I will not do that EVER) wondering WHY GOD WHY. I know he's not doing it to me but he is allowing it and I'm just sick of it. And of course there is more things that plague my thoughts but unless I write that novel there really is no way to convey it in the way I would want to explain them. I'm done, I'm spent. I have nothing left to think or do to try and better my situation. It does not appear that God is helping me with my heart, my emotional health, my relationship. I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm majorly depressed and i want it to end. I am not suicidal ( I have no desire to spend eternity in Hell). I need more counseling but More than that I feel as I need God to show me a way to overcome all this negativity and heartbreak. It's pain is great and never before have I experienced these emotions in this way. i don't think there is anything that any of you can do to help me directly other than listen and be here for me maybe to help get my relationship with God back on track. I consider myself to be knowledgeable of God's word which is why all of this is so hard for me to take sometimes. I feel abandoned and like His Word is failing me. So please don't just quote a bunch of one liner scriptures to me and tell me it's all going to be ok because I don't feel that way and I will probably just get upset( not on the forum but in my mind). I dont know what I hoped to accomplish with this post but it's in God's hands now.... and also yours.
