bryguy
Member
Hello.
I wish I came on better terms but I am having a hard time and looking for advice on how to move forward with my life so I can A) be a good Christian, and B) stop suffering in my loneliness so much.
I am also looking for the right way to approach my troubles. I believe there is a verse that I should look at tribulation with joy.
So I have sinned an incredible amount. I literally believe that God gave me a mental illness (Bipolar) because I was such a sinner as an attempt to help guide me in a correct path. I don't really believe in the concept of a mental illness, but rather think that energy that was given to me in my youth was used for sin, and lead to depression. Mental health professionals say that me doing wrong sexually was because of Bipolar disorder, but I am sure it is not, but rather me having a poor moral compass and no god in my life.
One of the problems I am dealing with is that I realize I am very much what the bible considers a sluggard or very lazy in my actions. I don't perform well at my company ( I work from home in a basement as a computer programmer) and my loneliness from having not many friends or a partner (because of my poor life choices), leads me to underperform even more, looking to procrastinate on dating websites and facebook and such, or trying to spend time upstairs with my family.
I feel my life is completely ruined and I am left unsure how to move forward. How to keep my motivation and determination to work hard strong. How to keep myself focused on the task at hand.
And when people ask me how I am doing, I cannot do anything but be honest and say how terrible I am feeling. I almost feel that I should hide my suffering.
Every day goes by with myself wishing to end my life. It seems hopeless, how do I find excitement in completing my work?
I have realized that being lazy is a sin. I try to use that as a motivating factor. I try and realize what I am doinfg by procrasinating is as bad as many of the other sins I have gone through in my life. Its almost as if procrasinating comes second nature to me now and I dont even weigh how heavy of a sin it is. Maybe I need to hear how bad it is to be a procrasinator. I dont know.
I do pray alot too. I sleep much more than I should be sleeping. Sleep is one of my only forms of escaping. I sleep like a drunkard drinks his alcohol to hide from his problems. I cannot wake up and sleep 12 to 14 hours sometimes.
I dont wish to be like this, living in my basement with my family with no friends and no life. Every time I over sleep, I think of how badly I want to end my life, even sometimes trying to think of a plan in my weakness.
I dont know. Jesus had it much worse than I did. Job had it much worse. John had it much worse. Am I just weak? Should I "man up" and stop complaining and look at this with joy? Should I accept the mistakes I made in life and just be strong throughout this?
Part of me believes the medication is causing me to be sluggish, but then again, I was sluggish before the medication too.
I dont know. I dont even know if its right to be talking about these feelings. I feel weak sharing them honestly and feel I should handle this myself.
I went to bible study for the frist time in a long time a few days ago. I dont go to church because of no transporation and my sleeping issues, plus I dont know of a church that really fills my heart like some of the youtube pastors do.
How do I keep going? Do I just continue in my suffering with a strong face? Am I missing something completely? How do I go about making friends and why is it that I dont have any? Any words of wisdom would greatly be appreciated. Its wisdom I seek more than anything besides maybe a pure heart.
I wish I came on better terms but I am having a hard time and looking for advice on how to move forward with my life so I can A) be a good Christian, and B) stop suffering in my loneliness so much.
I am also looking for the right way to approach my troubles. I believe there is a verse that I should look at tribulation with joy.
So I have sinned an incredible amount. I literally believe that God gave me a mental illness (Bipolar) because I was such a sinner as an attempt to help guide me in a correct path. I don't really believe in the concept of a mental illness, but rather think that energy that was given to me in my youth was used for sin, and lead to depression. Mental health professionals say that me doing wrong sexually was because of Bipolar disorder, but I am sure it is not, but rather me having a poor moral compass and no god in my life.
One of the problems I am dealing with is that I realize I am very much what the bible considers a sluggard or very lazy in my actions. I don't perform well at my company ( I work from home in a basement as a computer programmer) and my loneliness from having not many friends or a partner (because of my poor life choices), leads me to underperform even more, looking to procrastinate on dating websites and facebook and such, or trying to spend time upstairs with my family.
I feel my life is completely ruined and I am left unsure how to move forward. How to keep my motivation and determination to work hard strong. How to keep myself focused on the task at hand.
And when people ask me how I am doing, I cannot do anything but be honest and say how terrible I am feeling. I almost feel that I should hide my suffering.
Every day goes by with myself wishing to end my life. It seems hopeless, how do I find excitement in completing my work?
I have realized that being lazy is a sin. I try to use that as a motivating factor. I try and realize what I am doinfg by procrasinating is as bad as many of the other sins I have gone through in my life. Its almost as if procrasinating comes second nature to me now and I dont even weigh how heavy of a sin it is. Maybe I need to hear how bad it is to be a procrasinator. I dont know.
I do pray alot too. I sleep much more than I should be sleeping. Sleep is one of my only forms of escaping. I sleep like a drunkard drinks his alcohol to hide from his problems. I cannot wake up and sleep 12 to 14 hours sometimes.
I dont wish to be like this, living in my basement with my family with no friends and no life. Every time I over sleep, I think of how badly I want to end my life, even sometimes trying to think of a plan in my weakness.
I dont know. Jesus had it much worse than I did. Job had it much worse. John had it much worse. Am I just weak? Should I "man up" and stop complaining and look at this with joy? Should I accept the mistakes I made in life and just be strong throughout this?
Part of me believes the medication is causing me to be sluggish, but then again, I was sluggish before the medication too.
I dont know. I dont even know if its right to be talking about these feelings. I feel weak sharing them honestly and feel I should handle this myself.
I went to bible study for the frist time in a long time a few days ago. I dont go to church because of no transporation and my sleeping issues, plus I dont know of a church that really fills my heart like some of the youtube pastors do.
How do I keep going? Do I just continue in my suffering with a strong face? Am I missing something completely? How do I go about making friends and why is it that I dont have any? Any words of wisdom would greatly be appreciated. Its wisdom I seek more than anything besides maybe a pure heart.