[__ Prayer __] loud, loud taunting

[Christ_empowered]

i was in my room, just relaxing...heard a loud -slam- , and then some dude started yelling out stuff about me. it was...not good, clearly. thankfully, The Lord has brought me a long, long way, so I handled it OK. doors were locked, and...yeah. yeah. i didn't super freak out, more like...

I closed my eyes and just tried to visualize The Cross. truth? In all likelihood, Jesus and His mercy, love, and compassion are the reasons I'm even alive, now. true story. so...

is it 'spiritual warfare' ? I have difficulty with that, in my case. on the one hand, people with my shady backstory are often in state hospitals, prisons, jails, trapped in abject poverty, no escape. me? I live in a nice, modest apartment. i even have a reliable vehicle. i wear decent clothes, i even wear decent shoes (its...the south...shoes are the -1st- thing anyone looks at when they 'size you up,' etc.). and so...

? I dunno. to a point, yes. I think spiritual warfare becomes more obvious when people say "he thinks Jesus healed him?!?! he developed Schizophrenia..." and then go on and on about all the junk and jibber jabber floating around about me.

so, I dunno. I would say its -not- spiritual warfare, because it would happen even if I wasn't saved...

but then again, when I did get saved 8 years ago, I was already past my expiration date...I'd been expected to keel over, dead, for years. I was all of 28. lol. so, now...

I"m healthy! no more premature aging! intelligent! and since this is all His work, not mine, not an "excellent psychiatrist," blah blah blah..

ugh. I guess there is an element of spiritual warfare, isn't there? "God's work in this world is -always- met with opposition."

truth? I don't think...well, I had a decent, albeit -intense- counselor, 10 years ago. minister, good man. he literally said "You never had a chance. You need a miracle." I was burned out then, too, but...yeah, I get it, now. I don't mean '...never had a chance...' because of my (loving, long suffering) parents...more like a rough community, and a horror show of 'psychiatric treatment,' etc. true story. and...

I think now that The Lord has willed what I'd consider miracles..sound mind, good health, good family relationships, growing faith, forgiveness....

maybe -that- explains a lot of this? I need to quit analyzing. some things...just...are, I suppose. my life in Christ is 100x better than my existence outside, on the broad road, ever was, that's for certain.

i don't think there is any place i can go where stuff like this won't happen, btw. in a lot of places, I'm fairly certain i would just be committed, based on old and/or altered records (read: what trouble makers go thru), and...yeah. then it'd be 10x worse.

ok. and again...please keep my parents and me up in your prayers. thanks.

 

[Tessa]

If you moved you would miss your parents so much, and they would miss you and worry about you.
"Thonk of all things beautiful and holy" it honestly helps so much.
God bless you and keep you CE

 

[Susannah]

I think you are doing a great job processing your feelings is a positive way. I am mentally ill, but till functioning, due to the grace of God. This is how I process my feelings rather than self-medicate or ignore them. They do as much damage when I subjugate them to my unconcious.

Identify the feeling.
Talk about it.
Write about it
Feel the emotion without self-medicating
Surrender it to God
Forgive someone if necessary.
Accept whatever has triggered the feeling
Move on with God at your side.

 

[Christ_empowered]

ok. here's the thing...

in the community, I'm considered "Schizophrenic." in terms of symptoms, blah blah blah, my actual label is Schizoaffective, I think the bipolar type. this is only at all important because...

-sigh- psychosis, voices, etc. -were- a big part of my "problems," back when...yeah, long story...but now, the main "issue" is swings up into relatively mild (and, to be honest, often somewhat pleasant) hypomania...

and then down swings into low mood, which...with the tendency towards self-isolation, voices, etc., is where the real rough stuff resides. and...

because of The Lord's work in my life, my parents' unbelievable mercy and forgiveness, and...to some extent, "the medication," neither swing is all that frequent. the deep, dark lows have been a problem since I was 13 or so. the mild, infrequent ups don't cause major problems, except when i get giddy and feel odd and over-stimulated. even then, its not a "psychotic episode," its being keyed up and unable to channel extra energy. sleep is decent, anxiety has been vastly reduced ("perfect love casteth out all fear," and...honestly, The Lord seems to have once again had mercy on me...less fearful, now...), and....and...

ramble ramble. I'm typing all this to point out: this is not.a.psych issue. I was chillin' out, on my bed, shades drawn (already dark), just...being...after a good dinner with the parents. some dude got really loud, really obnoxious, and I got...

somewhat concerned, but not truly afraid, if that makes sense. keep in mind; i've lived here about 2 years. i found a dead rat in my bath tub, last year. fun fact: i don't have rats. there was excrement (I'm hoping animal) out front, about 5 months into my move here. fun fact: this area is a complex of buildings, people do have dogs and such, but they don't walk anywhere near my front area. the green space and such is a ways away, plus the way these buildings are set up, very few people have any need to be near my unit.

people have banged on the door -hard- and -loudly- (maybe kicked?), once I heard them yelling about "you're going to jail!!!!," blah blah blah blah. once, I came back from taking a shower in the 2nd bathroom, which is towards the back, away from the parking area, foot traffic, etc., and on my way out the door...

i saw that both the upper and lower locks were -barely- in place, and then i had to -push the door- back into position. true story.


ok, in the context of this, i have a psych label. is it..."true" ? I dunno. i had a brain scan, back in the day. fun fact: that brain scan was when I found out that I'd already been given some heavy duty electroshock, obviously not voluntarily....

i was all of 23, then. the shock happened at the tail end of 20.


point there is: no one's ever used my brain scan to say "wow, we did a brain scan, and you obviously have severe mental illness." nope. it was more like "hahaha! your brain scan shows you should be a vegetable! freak!"

which isn't to say I should not take something that "helps." I do, trust me. its just...

I -do- appreciate your response. seriously. processing...trauma, attempts at oppression, etc. is an important skill for anyone, especially...me. and other low status, stigmatized people. what im gettting at, here, is...

i live in a situation of bullying, attempted oppression, occasional threats of violence, and rumors and general cruelty. this isn't because I"m "special" or because I'm a mega-victim, its because...

well, honestly, I think a lot of it is because I managed to survive my own sins (bad enough) and also...psychiatry. and I'm considered a "trouble maker," because of legal stuff involving mental health people, etc. basically, because The Lord spared my parents and me, blessed us...I was able to assert my fundamental legal and human rights, which were seriously violated by the counselors, psychotherapists, hospitals, psychiatrists, etc...

ugh. on the plus side, I'm now healthy!! parents are good to me!! I'm remarkably normal, in terms of social skills and such, despite all this jibber jabber about "he needs to be in the state hospital!," etc., and a lot of it was simply because...

I am poor. I live in a more "genteel poverty," if I felt like waxing poetic on the situation (I don't, actually, but its a somewhat useful description). this is when I have close to 0 resources of my own, but my now, recently, only by the grace of God upper middle class/maybe well to do parents have the time, money, and -inclination- (the last one is a mega-miracle, for me) to keep me...

sheltered. surprisingly...comfortable, in a modest way. nothing luxurious, nothing fancy, its not rags to riches, its...

well, genteel poverty. lol. and I -am- thankful. other people...seem to be -angry- about all this. i don't know these people, I don't know why they insist on yelling, or why what they yell often involves labels and junk from psych records, and...to top it off...

-sigh- i seriously do.not.know why my HIV+ status is being talked about (loudly, deliberately), here, 15 years after an initial +, with no medical treatment offered, none received. Truth? the main reason i started taking mega doses of antioxidants, vitamins, etc. was hoping that maybe, just maybe, the Duesberg hypothesis (HIV does not cause AIDS, but high levels of free radicals can and will...antioxidants will do more for AIDS than antiretrovirals, long term) might be...you know, maybe 10% correct? because no one would offer me real treatment, and the azt (old, nasty drug used for aids since the 80s) that they give to poor people is...well, toxic. with the available public health treatment for hiv+ in my area, if AIDS doesn't kill you...

the treatment will. anyway, now I'm healthy, no medical treatment, and I seem to be more hated or at least... more openly hated...than ever.

--The end-- lol