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Married but Lonely

Jethro Bodine said:
Venting is a dead end road.
The Biblical answer is to subdue the hunger of the unmet needs in one's life.
Accept what you've been dealt and leave the rest to God.
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Venting may be a dead end road at the end, but it keeps all the feelings from bottling up so long that explosion becomes the inevitable result.

How is it Biblical to subdue the hunger of unmet needs? I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean. Everyone has needs, some of course more important than others. I don't think it's wrong to expect my husband not to degrade me with his comments (whether he realizes he's doing it or not) and that need for mutual respect shouldn't be set aside. I don't think the need I have for him not to yell or raise his voice is crazy, either. I have a need to have a conversation without him raising his voice because I said something that came across as stupid or ridiculous to him. I'm super forgetful and I have struggled with this many years, but it's something that annoys him. Year 1 = "It's okay, we all forget sometimes." Year 10 = "What?! I told you to get this done yesterday! How can you not remember?!" Yeah, so should I learn to accept this and not say or do anything? I think not. God is powerful and can accomplish much. I do somehow think that much isn't going to change unless I talk to my husband because how is he supposed to know how I feel unless I tell him?
 
Venting is very therapeutic. As has already been said it keeps feelings from overwhelming us and hiding in the unconscious where they come out in unwanted ways including sin. But it is also true that venting is a short-term solution. God does care about our needs. God hears our prayers. He sometimes takes a while but he gets the job done.

In my life he is always answered my prayers. I prayed for love and it finally came when I was 56. But the prayer was still answered and I'll never forget that.

I know a lot of people on this board don't like psychology. But it's simply the science of the mind. And the mind was programmed by God.

Venting just needs to have limits. It should not be done in anger. It should not become a judgement against another. If you just talk about yourself and your pain I think the venting is a good thing. You don't want to overdo it either. You want to find the right people ro vent to. It's also important to ask permission when you vent. Some people cannot handle your venting and need to be protected from your pain. But if someone really loves you they were allow you to unburden yourself of much of your pain. These are just suggestions of course.

I left therapy when I found out venting only helped ease my pain for a while. But I also feel if I hadn't been some venting I would have never been able to forgive my mother for neglecting me.

This prayer is from a Christian psychiatrist: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.

I was very good at acceptance. I just came to terms with things in my life. Then I learned that God wanted me to be happy so I changed some of the things I was able to change. That made all the difference for me.

Venting is just a tool to make changing easier. Nothing more and nothing less. Listen to yourself vent and learn from it. God does the healing. At the same time, we do our part. As the saying goes, God holds the flashlight in we chop the wood.
 
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I feel sorry for dashboard and luminous. All our sufferings are unique. It's hard for men to fully empathise with your situation.
I don't have any solutions. Just my sympathy.
 
humble soul said:
I feel sorry for dashboard and luminous. All our sufferings are unique. It's hard for men to fully empathise with your situation.
I don't have any solutions. Just my sympathy.
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And young kids are absolutely exhausting. I used to do a school cleaning job in the same building as after school care. I was worn out after 5 minutes just hearing the background noise as they seemed to bounce off the walls in play. Child care workers have my utmost respect. Just their high threshold for kid's noise.
 
humble soul said:
I feel sorry for dashboard and luminous. All our sufferings are unique. It's hard for men to fully empathise with your situation.
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This is the problem that women have with their husbands. They just feel they can't emphasize so they don't even try. This does not make for a reciprocal relationship. The idea of reciprocity has always been ideal but in the last 40 years it's become a requirement for a healthy marriage. So try giving your empathy to your wife, even though it's difficult for you, and see what happens
 
Susannah said:
This is the problem that women have with their husbands. They just feel they can't emphasize so they don't even try. This does not make for a reciprocal
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I don't think the OP wants to turn this thread into a man blaming thread does she? That would be disappointing. Let's be realistic . Both men and women can lack empathy for each other. In fact some of the worst selfish narcissist types I've encountered were women. But both genders have them.
So neither gender need get high and mighty about this.
 
Txt
humble soul said:
I don't think the OP wants to turn this thread into a man blaming thread does she? That would be disappointing. Let's be realistic . Both men and women can lack empathy for each other. In fact some of the worst selfish narcissist types I've encountered were women. But both genders have them.
So neither gender need get high and mighty about this.
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Back when we were friends you said you liked psychology. Part of psychology is Behavioral Science. In this field they create studies and reports about what's going on in people's minds. It is verified and documented that men have a hard time opening up to women, caring what women have to say, and empathizing with their situation. You could dispute these facts of course. I am in no way a attacking men. I love men. But as I pointed out previously, because their mother was their primary caretaker they have a natural fear of women that is unconscious but comes up as ways to emotional intimacy. It takes emotional intimacy to feel empathy for your partner.

Ask to starting an argument or male bashing, I just responded to your post where you said men have a hard time empathizing with women. I was just explaining why that is because you are absolutely correct.
 
I sense some female hypocrisy when women complain about men not understanding them, yet don't show evidence that they understand men. It's not a one way street.
 
Life can be very hard and painful when this is happening. It's good that you two ladies understand each other so well.
Never give up, never stop praying.
I knew of a woman who was going through things like this. She was a Christian. Her husband wasn't
She was a good wife and she loved him dearly but he was rude , ill tempered and abusive. She waited on him hand and foot and did everything she could for him. She prayed for him every night.
One morning he said to her "why do you do all this?" She answered "because I know you won't get any happiness in the next life so I try to make this life as pleasant as I can for you." The next weekend he turned up at Church and sat beside her. That was the beginning of a new happy life.
Never give up. Much love to you both. :hug
 
humble soul said:
I sense some female hypocrisy when women complain about men not understanding them, yet don't show evidence that they understand men. It's not a one way street.
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I rest my case. This comment shows me that you don't understand women. That is understandable on a Christian forum because Christianity is a male-dominated religion. A patriarchy. I know hundreds of men, my clients (Christian and non-Christian), who really take the time understand their wives and reciprocate. But when I was growing up men had no interest in this. I think for me it's important that I not generalize about men and women but simply state some men have a hard time with emotional intimacy and some men pull back from emotional intimacy. As a result it's hard for them to be empathetic. Not you or anyone on this board necessarily just some men. This fact cannot be refuted because I have personally known these men as clients friends lovers and husbands. ?

PS You may not believe or read or agree with all the reports done on this subject but women know much more than men when it comes to emotional intimacy. This is why God made women mothers. What's going on in society today is men and women are both giving a chance to play the role of empathetic partner. Also I know a lot of women who don't understand emotional intimacy and empathy. They're just fewer in number. But their numbers are growing and that's a problem. This is one way in which the church could guide us. Women going back to the role of empathizer and men stepping into the role. Jesus it's a good example. He was empathetic but he also was masculine.
 
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Tessa said:
One morning he said to her "why do you do all this?" She answered "because I know you won't get any happiness in the next life so I try to make this life as pleasant as I can for you."
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I would find that highly patronising even if it's true.
 
humble soul said:
I would find that highly patronising even if it's true.
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Of course it's true. Why are you accusing Tessa of telling a lie. Why did you get on this thread. Three women were discussing our pn and you jump in with a male perspective that makes no sense to us. Could you let us three women get back to our discussion please. Thank you.
 
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