Christian Forums

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

  • Focus on the Family

    Strengthening families through biblical principles.

    Focus on the Family addresses the use of biblical principles in parenting and marriage to strengthen the family.

  • Guest, Join Papa Zoom today for some uplifting biblical encouragement! --> Daily Verses
  • The Gospel of Jesus Christ

    Heard of "The Gospel"? Want to know more?

    There is salvation in no other, for there is not another name under heaven having been given among men, by which it behooves us to be saved."

Married but Lonely

2024 Website Hosting Fees

Total amount
$905.00
Goal
$1,038.00
I’m married but i feel completely alone. Since I had my second child I have been lucky enough to stay with her. It’s wonderful to be able to be there for my daughters, with my first child I had to work full time and it was rough. The only bad about being a stay at home mom especially during the pandemic is that I feel soooo lonely. I don’t see anyone except my children. My husband gets home and he is tired from work. He fusses about everything I do. He is soo negative and miserable. I feel like I just want to run away but I have nowhere to go, no one to talk to. My husband is not a bad person, I just think he can’t stand me. I wish he would just leave me and find someone who would make him happy. I feel stuck, any advice?
 
I’m married but i feel completely alone. Since I had my second child I have been lucky enough to stay with her. It’s wonderful to be able to be there for my daughters, with my first child I had to work full time and it was rough. The only bad about being a stay at home mom especially during the pandemic is that I feel soooo lonely. I don’t see anyone except my children. My husband gets home and he is tired from work. He fusses about everything I do. He is soo negative and miserable. I feel like I just want to run away but I have nowhere to go, no one to talk to. My husband is not a bad person, I just think he can’t stand me. I wish he would just leave me and find someone who would make him happy. I feel stuck, any advice?

Welcome to the Forum.

Glad to have you here.

I feel your pain, however I believe through prayer and allowing the Holy Spirit to rekindle your husbands love and passion he once had for you and you for him, your marriage can indeed be saved and become better than ever.

During this time of isolation, please develop a passionate prayer life, as an intercessor for your family.

The Holy Spirit will lead you in this lifestyle.


Please trust the Lord.





JLB
 
Last edited:
feel stuck, any advice?

Sounds like you need to talk to other women. Ring your pastor's wife and see who she can suggest you talk to.
Ring some of your young mothers friends, they also want some adult conversation.
Ask your pastor if he would do a mid day, mid week zoom call for those married woman at home with children so you can see each other and chat.
 
Men, by nature, try to avoid emotional intimacy because sub-consciously their wife reminds them of their mother whom they were told to separate from in order to grow up. When men, get past this fear, they often open up to their wives. In the book, Emotional Intimacy, Lillian Rubin discusses this. For men to understand their reluctance to connect with their wives they should read Real Boys by Pollack. He discusses the pressure on boys to be strong and a aloof.

Things that men do to avoid intimacy are called "exits," by Harville Hendricks, whose books about marriage and relationships saved my marriage.

Make an appointment with your husband and spell out what you need to happy. He should have his own list for you. If he does not want to do this then he is unchaste, which according to the dictionary is similar to adultery, and, according to the Bible, is cause for separation or even divorce. I discuss this in my article about "Christian Ideals and Codependents."

Finally, while we do look to our spouses for emotional intimacy in a healthy, modern relationship, it will not stop your loneliness completely because the loneliness is really for a personal and intimate relationship with Christ which stems from prayer and meditation. When I found Christ my relationship with my husband was just icing on the cake.

I will you well . . .
 
I hear you out. My marriage feels this way on and off and it's frustrating (this tells me that my husband and I haven't yet resolved many of our issues, but I hope it gets there).

I am glad that you can stay home with your kids, it's truly a wonderful thing to be able to do that in this day and age where many parents are having to work.

I, too, am a stay at home mom to two little ones. It does feel lonely when you're chasing after kids all day and making sure their needs are met while doing the household chores. Sometimes it feels impossible to get it all done. It does get lonely when the interaction you have all day barely goes beyond Paw Patrol and Sheriff Callie.

What I'm told helps is having some mom friends. Right now, many of my friends are still single without kids and they are friends I have had for a while. They don't seem to mind my kids or anything, but when I try to invite them over and my husband can't keep our 5 year old busy, she will interrupt every conversation and won't stop talking and consume all of the guests time, which annoys even me. Then she complains that she's "bored" when she is told to find something else to do. I would assume this is why my friends don't suggest hanging out while my husband is at work and they probably don't understand that I have to get them to the toilet or clean all the water they spilled on the kitchen floor and leaving them alone to go deal with something. Yes, it gets so lonely. Even if I did have more friends, I don't think they'd be stopping by that often.

Have you talked to your husband about how he feels about you and how you feel about him after the kids are in bed? This might give a lot more clarity. If he's the only one working a paying job (not saying stay at home mom isn't a job, but it definitely doesn't pay in Washington's) then he could be downright exhausted by the time he gets home. Kids wear you out and work wears him out and it can be a rough combination to even spend more than a few minutes a day together.

My husband has a lot of health struggles so he's not in the best of moods. When I met him he was the most positive person I met, trying to help me look on the bright side of things. Here, I am, looking a bit more on the bright side of things, but he has turned into what I used to be - the pessimist. It's an interesting flip, but it happened and I can't stand it. He's so negative a lot of the time and it makes it hard to keep up with my housework because it doesn't make me feel all that motivated.

The other day, the washer was half full and he said, "I'll run the load, it's just 'easier." Of course it's easier for the person that doesn't even help put the clothes away, right?! I don't feel that he respects me that much.

But, I definitely pray and hope that we can work it out. The last thing I would want is for it not to work out. We've been married this long and been through a lot, I'm sure we can find a way to pull through like we always have.

I have vented to people about marriage troubles before and I got burned pretty badly - long long story, but it didn't end up well at all. It was the roughest point in our marriage because these people were trying to get us to divorce in the end. So, I have great difficulty sharing marital issues with anybody.

You can try 7cups.com and get a free listener (note: not all of them are always helpful, don't feel bad going through listeners until you find a nice and helpful one) - they have therapists on the site, too, but they do charge money.
 
I am amazed that there are at least two Christian woman here with kids and that there are no other women in there churches who have kids!
Just what sort of church do you attend?

Is there not a women's meeting , cutting the week at a time most women can attend?
Isn't there a toddler group that meets at the church or at a church in your town?

If your in lock down, read and act on my earlier post.
 
I am amazed that there are at least two Christian woman here with kids and that there are no other women in there churches who have kids!
Just what sort of church do you attend?

Is there not a women's meeting , cutting the week at a time most women can attend?
Isn't there a toddler group that meets at the church or at a church in your town?

If your in lock down, read and act on my earlier post.

What do you mean there are no other women in their churches who have kids? The OP marked "no" as "Christian".

At my church, there are quite a few mom's whether their kids are small or grown, but it's been difficult to get to know them, they haven't been coming due to all this stuff going on, or getting to know them hasn't blossomed into some outstanding friendship.

There used to be a women's meeting on Tuesdays. Not sure if they even still have it, it's not exactly announced - only men's meetings are widely brought to the attention of the congregation. I didn't go to the meetings when they first started because I had class then and later I had work and I never ended up going. Tuesdays didn't work well for me.

Groups for kids don't seem to be happening too much right now.

We don't have a set "pastor" that has work hours or anything like that. I don't feel like running to any of the elders or deacons for my issues, I don't think they'd take me seriously like ever so...there's that.

It isn't always easy being a mom with kids. I have tried keeping in contact with the mom's I know and I usually end up with unanswered texts so I give up because they apparently are too busy to chat with me. I don't want to pester if they're never going to text back or return my calls. It's not like people just hand out their numbers anymore, either...it was easier to get someone's phone number in the 90s than it is today - at least in this area.
 
I don't feel like running to any of the elders or deacons for my issues, I don't think they'd take me seriously like ever so...there's that.

Women make up over 50% of any church membership, if the church elders are not caring for more than half of the church it is time to start asking hard questions about just who are they serving?
 
I’m married but i feel completely alone. Since I had my second child I have been lucky enough to stay with her. It’s wonderful to be able to be there for my daughters, with my first child I had to work full time and it was rough. The only bad about being a stay at home mom especially during the pandemic is that I feel soooo lonely. I don’t see anyone except my children. My husband gets home and he is tired from work. He fusses about everything I do. He is soo negative and miserable. I feel like I just want to run away but I have nowhere to go, no one to talk to. My husband is not a bad person, I just think he can’t stand me. I wish he would just leave me and find someone who would make him happy. I feel stuck, any advice?
This is what changed my whole attitude about marriage:

"1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight." - James 4:1-2

Marriage ends up being two people desperately trying to get what they want out of each other and it just ends up being a battle between two selfishly motivated people. And for us Christians that battle gets justified and rationalized in the name of God.

Marriage is about being the right mate, not finding the right mate.
 
I hear you out. My marriage feels this way on and off and it's frustrating (this tells me that my husband and I haven't yet resolved many of our issues, but I hope it gets there).

I am glad that you can stay home with your kids, it's truly a wonderful thing to be able to do that in this day and age where many parents are having to work.

I, too, am a stay at home mom to two little ones. It does feel lonely when you're chasing after kids all day and making sure their needs are met while doing the household chores. Sometimes it feels impossible to get it all done. It does get lonely when the interaction you have all day barely goes beyond Paw Patrol and Sheriff Callie.

What I'm told helps is having some mom friends. Right now, many of my friends are still single without kids and they are friends I have had for a while. They don't seem to mind my kids or anything, but when I try to invite them over and my husband can't keep our 5 year old busy, she will interrupt every conversation and won't stop talking and consume all of the guests time, which annoys even me. Then she complains that she's "bored" when she is told to find something else to do. I would assume this is why my friends don't suggest hanging out while my husband is at work and they probably don't understand that I have to get them to the toilet or clean all the water they spilled on the kitchen floor and leaving them alone to go deal with something. Yes, it gets so lonely. Even if I did have more friends, I don't think they'd be stopping by that often.

Have you talked to your husband about how he feels about you and how you feel about him after the kids are in bed? This might give a lot more clarity. If he's the only one working a paying job (not saying stay at home mom isn't a job, but it definitely doesn't pay in Washington's) then he could be downright exhausted by the time he gets home. Kids wear you out and work wears him out and it can be a rough combination to even spend more than a few minutes a day together.

My husband has a lot of health struggles so he's not in the best of moods. When I met him he was the most positive person I met, trying to help me look on the bright side of things. Here, I am, looking a bit more on the bright side of things, but he has turned into what I used to be - the pessimist. It's an interesting flip, but it happened and I can't stand it. He's so negative a lot of the time and it makes it hard to keep up with my housework because it doesn't make me feel all that motivated.

The other day, the washer was half full and he said, "I'll run the load, it's just 'easier." Of course it's easier for the person that doesn't even help put the clothes away, right?! I don't feel that he respects me that much.

But, I definitely pray and hope that we can work it out. The last thing I would want is for it not to work out. We've been married this long and been through a lot, I'm sure we can find a way to pull through like we always have.

I have vented to people about marriage troubles before and I got burned pretty badly - long long story, but it didn't end up well at all. It was the roughest point in our marriage because these people were trying to get us to divorce in the end. So, I have great difficulty sharing marital issues with anybody.

You can try 7cups.com and get a free listener (note: not all of them are always helpful, don't feel bad going through listeners until you find a nice and helpful one) - they have therapists on the site, too, but they do charge money.
It seems we are in the same boat. I used to take the kids to storytime or the park, but now with the pandemic I do not feel comfortable taking them. My 21 month old is obsessed with the Wiggles, I think I know every song by heart lol. I do have family but it’s hard to vent to family especially about your marriage. My husband has a lot of family but I’m really different than my in-laws. I’m more of the artsy hippie mom type. I used to go to a Catholic Church nearby but there is no programs after church. I live in a very rural area, and I definitely feel like I can’t find anyone who has anything in common would me. I feel like my husband and I used to have so much in common, but as he gets older he seems to be getting grumpier and more serious. It’s like we are growing apart. If only you lived nearby, we could totally start our own mom group.
 
Men, by nature, try to avoid emotional intimacy because sub-consciously their wife reminds them of their mother whom they were told to separate from in order to grow up. When men, get past this fear, they often open up to their wives.
No, the problem is men are more prone to the sin of PRIDE.
That's what locks them up in defensive, emotionless, distant, unfeeling lives.
Especially, if they have a history of being abused in some form or another at home or at school or wherever.

In the book, Emotional Intimacy, Lillian Rubin discusses this. For men to understand their reluctance to connect with their wives they should read Real Boys by Pollack. He discusses the pressure on boys to be strong and a aloof
Generally speaking, boys are not purposely pressured to be strong and aloof.
The pride males have by nature causes them to put on a strong front in the face of ridicule, bullying, etc.
Which is made all the worse if they have had a male role model who was hardened and proud.
And being characterized as aloof is simply the result of adopting a hardened exterior. It's not a conscious decision.
 
I have vented to people about marriage troubles before and I got burned pretty badly - long long story, but it didn't end up well at all.
Venting is a dead end road.
The Biblical answer is to subdue the hunger of the unmet needs in one's life.
Accept what you've been dealt and leave the rest to God.
 
If he does not want to do this then he is unchaste, which according to the dictionary is similar to adultery, and, according to the Bible, is cause for separation or even divorce.
Not getting what you want in a marriage is not grounds for divorce.
Don't be deceived by this popular teaching in the church today.
 
No, the problem is men are more prone to the sin of PRIDE.
That's what locks them up in defensive, emotionless, distant, unfeeling lives.
Especially, if they have a history of being abused in some form or another at home or at school or wherever.


Generally speaking, boys are not purposely pressured to be strong and aloof.
The pride males have by nature causes them to put on a strong front in the face of ridicule, bullying, etc.
Which is made all the worse if they have had a male role model who was hardened and proud.
And being characterized as aloof is simply the result of adopting a hardened exterior. It's not a conscious decision.
The author of Real Boys (Pollack) disagrees with you. It's a great book about how boys are raised to be strong and unemotional. They get the message from their parents in the society they live in not to cry.

One of my huge regrets is chastising my son when he was 12 for crying when he lost the state championship in baseball. Tears are good for you whether you are a man or woman. It's just my opinion but I do not believe that boys are born with a macho attitude. I think this is the message they get from society. But who knows.
 
Women make up over 50% of any church membership, if the church elders are not caring for more than half of the church it is time to start asking hard questions about just who are they serving?

Each church will be different.

I never said the elders or deacons didn't care for the church in any way. I'm saying that I don't want to run to them for my problems.
 
Not getting what you want in a marriage is not grounds for divorce.
Don't be deceived by this popular teaching in the church today.
I agree that you should not get a divorce for selfish or trivial reasons. However, adultery is cause for divorce. When I researched the word adultery they used the word unchaste. When I researched unchaste it included emotional abuse. I was married to a man who beat me and I didn't want to get divorce because I was Christian. My pastor told me I was co-dependent and needed to think of my children. So I got a divorce and just felt guilty for a long time. Today, I no longer feel guilty because the Lord wants me to be equally yoked in my marriage. A domineering, controlling, abusive man is not what he wants for me. It was a sin to marry him. But I have been forgiven for the divorce. My children grew up happy. If a woman or a man gets divorced for the right reasons I believe God not only approves but he's cheering them on. As always this is just my opinion. I actually wrote two articles about this on Susanna's Corner. "Unconditional Love Revisited," and "Christian Ideals and Codependency."
 
It seems we are in the same boat. I used to take the kids to storytime or the park, but now with the pandemic I do not feel comfortable taking them. My 21 month old is obsessed with the Wiggles, I think I know every song by heart lol. I do have family but it’s hard to vent to family especially about your marriage. My husband has a lot of family but I’m really different than my in-laws. I’m more of the artsy hippie mom type. I used to go to a Catholic Church nearby but there is no programs after church. I live in a very rural area, and I definitely feel like I can’t find anyone who has anything in common would me. I feel like my husband and I used to have so much in common, but as he gets older he seems to be getting grumpier and more serious. It’s like we are growing apart. If only you lived nearby, we could totally start our own mom group.

Yes, I can say that we had more activities around here like storytime and the park, but I am currently unable to drive (working on getting that 3 point turn down so I can get my license) so I can start taking the kids places when my husband is at work. Some things are slowly reopening so there will hopefully be more options for the kids out there soon!

It is difficult to vent to family about marriage, sometimes you don't know what stance they will take. It's generally better to find a married friend that will be a neutral party for you. It's difficult. I suppose some people may choose a pastor or leader in their church or a counselor for this purpose. You definitely don't want someone that will pick one side over the other, it can be a harmful situation. I remember when my husband and I were having a difficult time in our marriage years ago and my judgement wasn't all sound - I was so stressed, tired, and wasn't able to keep food down. My mom suggested I should talk to his parents and I foolishly took the advice. She drove me to his parents and I talked to him and his mother had told him it's okay to divorce me, but he'll never love anyone else like he loved me. She told me that it's okay to leave her son. I had some bruise from when I stubbed my toe and she flipped out thinking he abused me (I ran into a toolbox). She wasn't supportive and she is abusive and my husband never had a good relationship with her or with his father. Not a good idea, and I know my mom was unaware of that at the time. It just angered my husband even more.

I hear you, our church isn't exactly "program rich", either. I know some people have tried to get things going but it seems like there must be someone that shoots them down. I've tried doing my own women's bible study from home, but it wasn't all that successful - one one of my friends would come, but the ones from my church would "forget" or bail. I might need to broaden my horizons on whom I invite, but with this whole COVID thing, many people are still afraid to gather. We try to go to potlucks and parties when they are held at the church and they are often fun, but I wish there were more to push people out of their comfort zones.

I feel like that's how my husband used to be - we had so much in common and he made a lot of jokes, always made me laugh. Now a days he's too sick and too tired to do much. The energy he does have tends to go to the kids so it's rough. It feels like we are growing apart, too...I'm sure the guy I married is still in there somewhere behind all the stress and feelings. I need a good time to talk to him and that's difficult because usually after the kids are asleep he's too tired. If we have my parents watch the kids then we usually want to go out and eat and have fun, not sit there and argue.

I do know that times are difficult right now with everything going on and some days are harder than others. I know all I can do is my best.

I hope that things work out with your husband. It also sounds like maybe it's been a while before you have both had the chance to sit down and have a nice heartfelt talk like you used to. You never know what his feelings are - it may be that he loves you more than anything, but is so stressed. Praying for you and your situation as well.
 
Hang in there ladies. This is a stressful times for everyone. Prayers and sympathy and loving gestures take the edge off. If the problem is stress the most important thing is patience. He will rebound faster if he knows you're there to support him. Of course he needs to support you too. That's the most important thing in a modern Christian marriage. Reciprocity. I'll put you in my prayers.

P.S My husband and I grew closer after a stressful time. Sometimes it works like that.
 
Back
Top