[__ Prayer __] my daily drama :-)

[Christ_empowered]

lol. i lead a very quiet, modest, uneventful life...by His grace. and because of my parents, and His work in their lives, too. so...with that out there...

my very -existence- seems to be enough to rub people the wrong way. I thought...it was all the psych industry, you know? labeled, drugged, electroshocked...

but, really, it goes back further. parents were/are upwardly mobile. they're (mostly) retired, now, upper middle class, maybe well to do. that's something of a miracle, because...

-sigh- i see, now; I was very nearly school to prison pipeline-d, big time. targeted for expulsion, got out of hs 1 year early...bright, not brilliant. made it into college, and...

driven out of the dorms. i thought i was hallucinating. thing is...i wasn't, i was never welcome there, and now i'm 36, somehow I have a "high IQ" estimate (no, really; 145-150...back in the day, I had 120), and I don't think I would even benefit from completing a degree, because...

-sigh- my grades weren't great, but they apparently could have/should have been higher...I was seen as 'rif raf,' not wanted there, long story. so...

i write all that (yet again!) to point out my 'daily drama' (LOL) : I'm not wanted, where I'm living. :-( I see it in stand offish neighbors, I hear it in people outside the unit, and...and...

did I mention that my parents were targeted with termination, time and time again, and now by the grace of God, Himself, they're outta there, doing well? yeah...

they're good people. I am a bit angry at myself for falling for all the psychobabble crazy talk about family issues, blah blah blah....

like -a lot- of people who start out working class (or...lower, God help you if you're poor in the US), -social and community- factors were a big part of what made my life so miserable...

and now? well, now The Lord has moved, mightily, in all aspects of my life+my parents' lives....

and I'm --not well liked-- at all. I'm not wanted here, I've been taunted and yelled at, openly mocked....

and that's OK, I guess (?), I'm just keepin' on, best I can, in Christ....

the 60s radicals would now and then say: 'the personal is -political- ,' it started with the feminists, various other groups picked it up, and...

true, to a point. as a Christian, though, I'm now inclined to say: 'the personal is -spiritual- ,' largely because...now that I'm healthy, bright eyed, smart, normal, living in modest comfort....

His work in my life seems to be generating -friction- , lol.

 

[daninthelionsden]

lol. i lead a very quiet, modest, uneventful life...by His grace. and because of my parents, and His work in their lives, too. so...with that out there...

my very -existence- seems to be enough to rub people the wrong way. I thought...it was all the psych industry, you know? labeled, drugged, electroshocked...

but, really, it goes back further. parents were/are upwardly mobile. they're (mostly) retired, now, upper middle class, maybe well to do. that's something of a miracle, because...

-sigh- i see, now; I was very nearly school to prison pipeline-d, big time. targeted for expulsion, got out of hs 1 year early...bright, not brilliant. made it into college, and...

driven out of the dorms. i thought i was hallucinating. thing is...i wasn't, i was never welcome there, and now i'm 36, somehow I have a "high IQ" estimate (no, really; 145-150...back in the day, I had 120), and I don't think I would even benefit from completing a degree, because...

-sigh- my grades weren't great, but they apparently could have/should have been higher...I was seen as 'rif raf,' not wanted there, long story. so...

i write all that (yet again!) to point out my 'daily drama' (LOL) : I'm not wanted, where I'm living. :-( I see it in stand offish neighbors, I hear it in people outside the unit, and...and...

did I mention that my parents were targeted with termination, time and time again, and now by the grace of God, Himself, they're outta there, doing well? yeah...

they're good people. I am a bit angry at myself for falling for all the psychobabble crazy talk about family issues, blah blah blah....

like -a lot- of people who start out working class (or...lower, God help you if you're poor in the US), -social and community- factors were a big part of what made my life so miserable...

and now? well, now The Lord has moved, mightily, in all aspects of my life+my parents' lives....

and I'm --not well liked-- at all. I'm not wanted here, I've been taunted and yelled at, openly mocked....

and that's OK, I guess (?), I'm just keepin' on, best I can, in Christ....

the 60s radicals would now and then say: 'the personal is -political- ,' it started with the feminists, various other groups picked it up, and...

true, to a point. as a Christian, though, I'm now inclined to say: 'the personal is -spiritual- ,' largely because...now that I'm healthy, bright eyed, smart, normal, living in modest comfort....

His work in my life seems to be generating -friction- , lol.

Christ warned us this would be so. He also said rewards await if we persevere and wait upon Him.

 

[Christ_empowered]

im...getting better with the waiting and perseverance. only by His grace, of course.

truth? I honestly suspect people have been in here, when I was not here. ugh. I found a dried piece of gum on a wall...small, I don't know how i missed it. it was...very, very dried, so I'm thinking its been a long time, but...

ugh. my parents are -good people- and I don't want to worry them. thing is...

they have resources. i have close to 0 resources of my own. so, if I want a camera or something, it'd probably have to come from them...

and they'll turn it into a psych issue. i know this, because its happened before. im not -that- 'sick' or whatever. i love my parents, and...

-sigh- they're doing well financially, thank God. they were able to buy this place outright, no mortgage or anything...

so, i don't wanna be the paranoid brat who's all "people are messing with me,' etc. the last time I brought anything up with my parents, I got a prompt: take a sedative and call your counselor in the morning. ugh.

frustrating...

 

[daninthelionsden]

im...getting better with the waiting and perseverance. only by His grace, of course.

truth? I honestly suspect people have been in here, when I was not here. ugh. I found a dried piece of gum on a wall...small, I don't know how i missed it. it was...very, very dried, so I'm thinking its been a long time, but...

ugh. my parents are -good people- and I don't want to worry them. thing is...

they have resources. i have close to 0 resources of my own. so, if I want a camera or something, it'd probably have to come from them...

and they'll turn it into a psych issue. i know this, because its happened before. im not -that- 'sick' or whatever. i love my parents, and...

-sigh- they're doing well financially, thank God. they were able to buy this place outright, no mortgage or anything...

so, i don't wanna be the paranoid brat who's all "people are messing with me,' etc. the last time I brought anything up with my parents, I got a prompt: take a sedative and call your counselor in the morning. ugh.

frustrating...

If it were me, I'd put a piece of paper on the wall stating these premises are now under video surveilance. Maybe get a convincing professional looking one off the internet, print it out and tape it to the wall.

 

[Tessa]

Your greatest blessing CE is The Lord is with you and He will never leave you, Praise God.

 

[Christ_empowered]

life in Christ goes on, day by day. today was good...uneventful, good dinner with the parents. mama made me a to go plate.

my parents both have hearing loss. they're not old old, early-mid 60s. dad was getting his taken care of, but one of the house dogs ate his hearing device, so...I dunno. I dunno.

other than that, they're both -quite- healthy, and I -am- thankful. but because of the hearing issues, sometimes they don't hear stuff, like someone in their neighborhood yelling about what a 'free loader' I am. blah. :-(

trying to be -less- sensitive about it, I am. its just...coming of age, in Christ, I think...

-sigh- I never was well-liked, I messed up -big time- , had 'going to prison!' written all over me, and...

yeah, well, now I'm a "high IQ Schizophrenic, from a 'good family' " or whatever, and...and...

God -is- Good, isn't He? no felony, no prison time, what I need plus just a tad extra...

and sometimes, I rejoice. not just over stuff and the good health, etc., but over and in The Lord...

because what if I'd just somehow "lucked out," and ended up healthy, smart, etc., but not -forgiven- and truly changed? not that I'm 110% perfect (LOL), I"m just not...the wretch I was, when I came to Jesus, right? Right.

so, in Christ...I've found forgiveness and now some serious divine intervention in all aspects of my life, in Him...and...and...

I'm also -not- both in and of the world, now. More and more, I see --why-- that is so crucial.

ok. did I mention that the 'junk' waxes and wanes, now it seems to be waxing worse, with some extra anger thrown in? i don't get it.

thanks for the replies, support, prayers.

 

[Tessa]

You're so right. You are not that person anymore. That person died in Christ.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, Tessa . you truly have the patience of a --saint-- . I say this as a Protestant.

 

[Truthfrees]

im...getting better with the waiting and perseverance. only by His grace, of course.

truth? I honestly suspect people have been in here, when I was not here. ugh. I found a dried piece of gum on a wall...small, I don't know how i missed it. it was...very, very dried, so I'm thinking its been a long time, but...

ugh. my parents are -good people- and I don't want to worry them. thing is...

they have resources. i have close to 0 resources of my own. so, if I want a camera or something, it'd probably have to come from them...

and they'll turn it into a psych issue. i know this, because its happened before. im not -that- 'sick' or whatever. i love my parents, and...

-sigh- they're doing well financially, thank God. they were able to buy this place outright, no mortgage or anything...

so, i don't wanna be the paranoid brat who's all "people are messing with me,' etc. the last time I brought anything up with my parents, I got a prompt: take a sedative and call your counselor in the morning. ugh.

frustrating...

praying for better things for you

 

[Christ_empowered]

-sigh- it gets frustrating. darned if you do, darned if you don't.

if i'd 'known my place' and/or 'stayed in line,' id probably be living in poverty or close to it, no friends to speak of, estranged from my parents, but...maybe i'd have a j-o-b? i dunno, honestly.

i never really knew 'my place in society,' it seems. i dunno. the -1- semi-'boyfriend' i had, from my late teen gay days, was a druggie from a rich family. now, im labeled as a 'gold digging flamer,' because...??? i never took anything from him. i just liked cool music and movies, so did he, and...yeah. yeah. he's dead, now. im guessing something drug related.

The Lord cares for His children, amen. so, looking at His work in my life, my parents' lives...-nothing- to complain about. at all. He's not the cause of any distress on my end. its just...

the world, basically. lol. not that i was or am sinless, but...wow. im kind of inclined to think that His will for my life is to be made healthy and smart and increasingly normal...

-despite- my own sins and the fallen, wicked world we all live in. its crazy, to me...in this world, start out with not much (120 IQ, born working class in a small southern town...), one can easily end up with...

less than 0 (for a while there, i had a low-normal IQ, obvious brain damage, a criminal record, no money, estranged parents, and -severe- health problems...). ugh. it is what it is, i suppose. lesson learned.

in Christ, I've been blessed, above and beyond what I even really thought or dreamed possible, and in ways I never really imagined. at 20, I looked 25. at 36, I apparently look like I'm in my late twenties, possibly an even 30. this despite long term, untreated HIV+ (because my doctors acted like its a 3rd world country, lol), and...and...

? i dunno. i bring that up, yet again, because I overheard people talking about my status earlier today. they say "he gets azt from the health department," when really...I don't, I never did, maybe I should have? but people on azt don't last long (highly toxic medication).

i'd like to make a go of things, right here, where I've been provided a place of my own, my parents live close by, and...and...

i dunno. i dunno, i dunno. I know that His work in my life runs against 'business as usual,' 'the way the world works,' etc., so...I -am- increasingly, genuinely grateful. thing is...

on a day to day basis, i have minimal social life, my friends from pre-conversion weren't that great, anyway, and now they're out of the picture, completely...and...and...

-sigh- my parents are good to me, and that is a miracle. not that they were terrible, just...done. the way the world works, i guess. i spend time with them most days, its good, but im not one to just 'hang out' with my parents...plus, right now, mama's -still- recovering from her rough career (excellent employee, horrible colleagues), so she kinda likes to have time with her puppies, just..being, nothing required. i understand that, now.

dad's semi-retired. he's able and willing to talk more...nothing heavy, emo, just convo....and he's warmed up to me, but...i cannot work. part just having been destroyed, till recently...part stigma, part the way the current economy is going...

so, what to do? 'he whom The Son has set free is set free, indeed.' Indeed. Jesus has moved mightily in my life, and I Praise The Lord His mercy and love. I just wonder...well, with all these labels and the stigma and the junk, what to do? where to go? stay here and be still? -ugh-

thanks.

 

[Christ_empowered]

maybe Schizophrenia isn't a "brain disease," like the hardcore shrinks like to say it is, but...

-sigh- what if God is using my Schizophrenia for His own purposes, and for my betterment?

at any rate...it is what it is, right? Right. I tolerate the Abilify, even. I can actually haggle to get a moderate dosage of Abilify, not copious quantities of Haldol or some other extra-toxic older, cheaper psych drug. that's something of a miracle, actually, in my situation.

Schizophrenia. it sounds scary, to me, and I'm less scared (and less scary, as a person) 8 years in Christ than I ever was before, with or without the Big S (lol).

'count your blessings' easy to say, easy to dismiss...yet...true. truth, in cliche form. imagine that...

 

[Christ_empowered]

ugh. good day, overall. God is Good. I wasn't, by anyone's standards. not entirely uncommon, in and of the world. 'welcome to the real world,' etc. and now...

'ye must die to be Born Again...' what does that -mean- , really? in my 8 years of knowing Jesus, that's played out in me being made healthy, smart, bright eyed, remarkably normal, increasingly reconciled to my (loving, long suffering) parents, and...and...

i dunno. my parents are good to me, even my dad. dad's a good man, but...wow. we actually get a long, now, with very, very little tension, hostility, etc....

i think it helps that The Lord has blessed their finance$, which...well, as I've written before, they've both been targeted for career destruction, here and there, over the past...I'd say 20+ years, really. true story. looking back...I had kind of assumed that things were extra-rough in 8th grade because they'd been working class when i was younger...

maybe. a bigger part was that locals were targeting them for termination, and the rumor mill had it they were headed for divorce kid. ugh. small towns. happens.

i'm rambling. its so...crazy, that now that The Lord has willed that I be healthy and normal and I apparently have the 'high IQ (estimate),' I'm also...labeled, as 'severely mentally ill' and such. oh well. what did i expect, anyway? lol.

the only 'drama' today is more neighborly conflict, lol. and by 'conflict,' i mean people taunting, because...??? i dunno. i don't know these people, -very- few people are openly hostile to my face, its just...i'll walk out of my vehicle and people taunt, its easy to do...a bunch of 3 story buildings, all have a back patio, some are enclosed, as sun rooms...

blah blah blah. not easy, but its 'how the cookie crumbles, it seems. ok. it is, in fact, 'how the cookie crumbles.' blah. buck up, kiddo. im trying to lean on Him, and...yeah. Jesus is Good to us, me included.

'count your blessings' : I'm running dishes in a dishwasher in my modest, but nice place. my rented apt. didn't have a dishwasher. and they would not fix the stove or oven. i have a working, good oven and stove. i may run towels in the washer again, because...well...hygiene (LOL) and why, not? the background noise is...soothing...

parents are kind. dinner was good, per usual. my new phone -- a much needed gift from my dad-- came with a surprisingly sturdy set of earphones. excellent. my old one...the music part died or something (?), so this is...good, very good.

ok. 'daily drama' lol. the jibber jabber may or may not ever stop....

but I can have peace, despite adverse circumstances...in Christ Jesus. getting there, by His grace...

 

[Tessa]

Peace is s beautifil gift CE cling on to it.
God Bless. Praying gir you.

 

[Christ_empowered]

trying to get my eyes fixed on Christ, and Him Crucified.

thank goodness for the new phone. and the headphones. upstairs neighbors are stomping up a storm, I overheard one call me a 'loser' between songs (that means they're deliberately loud...the walls aren't super thick, but they're not paper thin, either, you know?), and...and...

on and on. i was wretched...took an act of mercy from on high for me to come to know Jesus...8 years later, I honestly think I've been granted many desires of my heart, per Matthew 6:33 ...

which isn't a 'rags to riches' story, its just...a quiet, meaningful, modest but good life...close to my parents, healthy, smart, -forgiven- , -washed and made clean- , and...and...

the last mega-stomp was -vicious- , as in...vibrations in my (small, modest yet nice) unit. i mean...really? really? blah. people.

 

[Christ_empowered]

ok. --more drama-- kind of...but not really. lol. thing is...

i moved in a bit over 2 years ago. there have been...maybe 2 real, true, honest to goodness power outages. not too shabby, right? right. this is small city, and the power for this complex is underground, so that helps (in the small towns clustered around, a lot of the power is still old school, wires above ground...). moving on...

so, i took my calm down supplements and (gasp) took some trash out to the onsite dumpsters. those are a bit of a way off, so I drove...then drove around a bit, ran an errand...blah blah blah...

came back, the stove top clock was blinking...12:56 . ok, so...i hadn't been gone quite 2 hours, power came back on nearly an hour ago, place was warm and nothing spoiled in fridge or freezer, so...ok. no harm, no foul.

thing about it is, this is...i dunno, 6th time i've gotten a "blink" like this. am i being...a drama monarch? lol. paranoid? keep in mind; I am -not- well liked. when i was throwing my garbage bags into the onsite dumpsters, i heard some lady talking about getting me committed or me needing to be committed or...ramble, i get it a lot, i get it, you know?

in a condo/apt. complex setting, is it possible to mess with someone's power without going in? truth be told, though, I don't have a camera or anything, so its not as if I'd -know- if someone came in. :-(

thanks.