My daughter officially "hates" me.....

[handy]

Well, my daughter officially hates me.

She hates me because, after she signed up to an internet chat room without permission AND downloaded all the stuff they had her download without doing virus checks, also without permission AND chatting to people online that neither she, nor her father, nor I know, again, without permission, not to mention dressing up the avatar in an immodest (to say the least) way.....

....me, wicked cruel mother that I am, deleted the account, and deleted all the stuff off the drive.

She tried laying her head on my shoulder, doing this adorably cute little sniff she does, and saying in her bestest little girl voice, "I'm sorry mommy", but I deleted all the stuff anyway...

Ahhh, to be "hated" by a teenager...I must be doing something right.

 

[jasoncran]

Well, my daughter officially hates me.

She hates me because, after she signed up to an internet chat room without permission AND downloaded all the stuff they had her download without doing virus checks, also without permission AND chatting to people online that neither she, nor her father, nor I know, again, without permission, not to mention dressing up the avatar in an immodest (to say the least) way.....

....me, wicked cruel mother that I am, deleted the account, and deleted all the stuff off the drive.

She tried laying her head on my shoulder, doing this adorably cute little sniff she does, and saying in her bestest little girl voice, "I'm sorry mommy", but I deleted all the stuff anyway...

Ahhh, to be "hated" by a teenager...I must be doing something right.

i am sure that you told her about the sicko men in their 40s that would love to abuse her.why young teens do that is beyond me.

 

[Hitch]

You keep getting it right Handy

 

[handy]

Yes. Yes, I have. We've had that conversation much more than once, now that she's old enough to be on the 'Net.

And she went ahead and did it anyway.

She's just at this age where, she's so mature and savvy one moment...and then does something totally idiotic the next.

She was like, "It's not like I'm going to tell anyone anything personal..." And then I see her birth date and age on her profile, she thought she had blocked it....

I check the site out and was more than a little blown away at how sexually oriented a lot of the stuff was on there.

4 years, 4 months to go...

 

[jasoncran]

Yes. Yes, I have. We've had that conversation much more than once, now that she's old enough to be on the 'Net.

And she went ahead and did it anyway.

She's just at this age where, she's so mature and savvy one moment...and then does something totally idiotic the next.

She was like, "It's not like I'm going to tell anyone anything personal..." And then I see her birth date and age on her profile, she thought she had blocked it....

I check the site out and was more than a little blown away at how sexually oriented a lot of the stuff was on there.

4 years, 4 months to go...

dora, parenting doesnt stop at age 18. my mom still worries and worried over me in war. she got a letter that she sent to me in country back last week as undeleverable i went over to read it and the memories:yes

 

[Mike]

Oh my gosh, Dora, you'll appreciate this, Our daughter woke up ten minutes late for school, and my wife made this 13 YO get ready for school... WITHOUT A SHOWER! :o


I thought she was going to have a brain aneurysm! She was hysterics! This is the girl who sits in front of the mirror for an hour, but can't get down before breakfast gets thrown away. not pretty :help

 

[Alabaster]

Ahhh, to be "hated" by a teenager...I must be doing something right.

I've been there, done that! You are a good mom!

 

[handy]

Mike, you made your 13yo go to school without a shower!?! :o I think that qualifies as cruel and unusual...you just might have violated her constitutional rights!

:rolling

Thanks everyone for the encouragement...she must have stopped hating me sometime during the evening because she curled up next to me on the sofa as we watched a movie together and laid her head in my lap as she snuggled in her blanket...so I guess I'm still mom.

Jason, I hear ya, and yeah, I'll be her mom long after she turns 18...I just think that after 18, when the adult fairy fails to gift her with a cool car, great job and her Grocery Boy to whisk her off to a nicely furnished house in the country...and she realizes that being all grown up is actually quite a lot of work...she won't give me as much attitude as she's been giving me lately.

 

[jasoncran]

Mike, you made your 13yo go to school without a shower!?! :o I think that qualifies as cruel and unusual...you just might have violated her constitutional rights!

:rolling

Thanks everyone for the encouragement...she must have stopped hating me sometime during the evening because she curled up next to me on the sofa as we watched a movie together and laid her head in my lap as she snuggled in her blanket...so I guess I'm still mom.

Jason, I hear ya, and yeah, I'll be her mom long after she turns 18...I just think that after 18, when the adult fairy fails to gift her with a cool car, great job and her Grocery Boy to whisk her off to a nicely furnished house in the country...and she realizes that being all grown up is actually quite a lot of work...she won't give me as much attitude as she's been giving me lately.

i think that will happen at around the late twenties. or mid probably.

 

[WIP]

I think you demonstrated a lot more restraint than I would have. If my daughters downloaded files and did other things online they knew I would not approve of and I discovered it, I'd change the user account password and not allow them access until I felt they were ready and willing to follow the rules.

If you're not already set up with a user account separate from an administrative account then I would highly recommend doing so because it can make it easier to prevent downloading, installing, and running software programs by requiring administrative authority to do so.

Having access to an in-home PC is a privilege we parents grant them and not a right that we owe them. Does she have a cell phone with internet access and if so, I hope you have checked hers to make sure she is following the rules there too. Not meaning to be nosy, just sharing a concern 'cause that would be my next step. Her natural response will likely be something like, "You don't trust me!" Don't let that bother you. It's not about trust at that point. It's about teaching her about self control and boundaries. Obviously, we can't control what they do or who they do it with when they are away but in our homes we need to set precedent and enforce order to teach self discipline. Just my opinion for what it's worth. Oh, I'm assuming you're talking about a minor child.

Knock on wood. As I've read other posts you've shared it sounds like you've had to deal with a lot more rebellion than I have for sure. Remembering who I was at that age, mine are 14 and 16 (will be 17 in about 10 days) and so far we've had it pretty easy going.....so far.....I think....I hope.....

 

[Sparkey]

Even with the best security and the safest settings possible along with a child who knows not to give personal information --> many of the programs are designed to send multiple and mixed messages. Graphical, "3D" Instant Messaging supposedly provides a safe environment that lets kids make friends. But the appeal to test boundaries represents a threat that may outweigh the physical dangers of attracting stalkers.

One of the things that many do not think about is the "Master Slave" relationship between an Internet Server and their "clients" --> your computer. The Internet is designed to allow information requests (including email address) to be initiated by servers without restriction. There are packet snoopers that can be used but even if that type of thing isn't exploited, privacy is not the only thing a child can lose. Innocence is under attack and this only one of the many things a parent need be concerned over.

Internet chat provides the ability to use personalized 3D avatars and environments that let the user "interact" with the person they’re chatting with. Full 3D scenes make users feel as if they are sitting with a friend in a coffee shop, on a Ferris wheel, etc. These chat engines provide the appearance of safety along with a not-so-subtle appeal to flesh nature. Young children are enticed to enter a seductive world of pretense and permission.

• Create your own 3D look and feel. Shop for the latest fashions! Try on clothes, shoes, hairstyles and more.
• Meet new people. Hang out, chat and have fun in thousands animated rooms. Meet new friends from all over the world.
• Design and Create: Make your own designs and SELL them. Create fashion, furniture, rooms and more. Express yourself!

"Chat Experience" testimonials:

• I love it! I have made so many new friends!
• I love it! It sparks my creativity and lets me meet people from all over the world in a safe, imaginative environment.
• You can make an Avatar and buy new clothes and rooms. It's the BEST online chatting game ever!

The idea of, "Mom, you're just a Grinch," is being sold too. Children who want only to make friends and have safe fun will experience resentment toward authority if it stands in the way of what they believe is wholesome fun. Mom! You've stood between your daughter and the safe, fun way to make friends. "How could you???" The sponsors of the chat engines have spent millions and millions of dollars in order to understand what appeals to kids and the parent gets to look like the bad guy.

My thought: Keep the computer in the living room, not in the bedroom. Restrict internet access times so that there isn't any "private" time for family members. Ensure that kids understand that their access will be monitored. Consider exploring options for your router (many can be setup so that they email URL and Site reports to the Administrator) and continue to take the steps needed to not only keep kids safe physically but to guard their spiritual life as well.

Parent responsibility goes beyond protecting children from predators and includes not allowing them to be exposed to things that will rob them of their childhood.

 

[handy]

Having to deal with rebellion...yeah...I don't know, it was just a couple of months ago and all of a sudden *bing*...she just started in. I mean, we've always struggled with a certain amount of rebellion, because we didn't have her the first three years of her life and she learned to be very self-sufficient in her attitudes, and we've played catch up ever since...but boy, these past few months have really been a roller-coaster with her.

I don't worry a whit about the whole, "You don't trust me" thing, and she knows it. I've already talked with her that at this time of her life, it isn't about trust, it's about helping her navigate through some of the roughest years she will live through and yes, we'll be sticking our nose in her business, checking up on her use of the computer, questioning her about what she did when out with her friends...and, horrors of horrors, chaperoning her on dates and at dances.

And no, she doesn't have a computer in her room, or a cell phone, but....

See, we can block her internet use here at home, and not get her a cell phone, and yet, even without a cell phone, she texts friends during her lunch hour every day...using her friend's cell phone.

Which is why, as parents, we tend not to do the "forbid and block" method. Everywhere she goes these days, school, friends, the library...has computers with the internet and all her friends have phone with the internet. It is impossible for us to block access unless we keep her at home 24/7.

Rather than tell her, "you can't", we give her rules and perimeters, and check up on her constantly. This way we can teach her how to navigate these dangeorus waters. And, she also knows she'll be more apt to have more freedoms, if she is open, honest, and stays within the boundaries. The way I knew about her setting up an account with IMVU (terrible, terrible site) was because she showed it to me. (Which was why I didn't come down harder on her...had she tried to "sneak" it, the fat would have indeed hit the flame.) Not that I wouldn't have found out anyway, because I check the history each time the kids are finished using the computer...and they know I do. But yes, things were much easier for her since she showed me the account herself.

I'm glad she told me what she had done and I do want to encourage this openness as much as possible and therefore try to keep the "punishment" in line with the offense. She did live in a bit of fear and trembling while I ran my Kaspersky anti-virus checks on the system...for if anything had shown up, she was going to be grounded from using the computer at all for the duration of a Spring Break, which to a 13 year old girls is FOREVER!!!! But, all was clear and the system seems to be running just fine, so I don't think we got any bugs.

I wish there was a way to keep the world's influence away from her..but that's just impossible and she is going to have to live in the world eventually...hopefully when she's old enough to strike out on her own, she'll have a godly foundation upon which to make her decisions and be a little wiser in what she does.

But, egad...trying to keep up with her...:o

 

[WIP]

Handy, you sound like a very wise person and I truly believe things will work out for the best.

 

[Jacy]

Dora,
God bless you! I am 26 years old now, but I see my past self in your daughter

I too used to go into chat rooms, and be rebellious, maybe even a little promiscuous with photos and such...when I look back, I realize how much I craved attention and love. For some reason, between the ages of 12 and 21, there's this huge desire to be loved, to be held and to be heard...
I praise your efforts in keeping your daughter safe. I would encourage, which I am sure you must have done already, but continually leave that communication open. I can remember at 17 years old being so desperate for advice, I told my mother I needed her to be my friend, and not just my mom. She grew angry, and said that she was not my friend...that cuts deep into a sensitive, young girl's already fragile heart.

Maybe you can share with your daughter this link. I am working on a book about emotional purity, and how to protect your heart from giving other control over it. She may find it interesting and something she can relate to:
The Palace Keepers:Guarding Our Hearts - The Challenge

Keep up the good work, mom!!

 

[handy]

Jacy, thank you...and I had already checked out Palace Keepers!

 

[gunghorjc]

handy, I think you did the right thing!

I had pretty much "unrestricted" access to the internet from when I was 14 up. Curiosity got the better of me and I visited a lot of sites I wish I never had.

Sites that led me to stop attending Church with my parents when I was 18 years old.

It's a very impressionable age. I'm not a parent, but knowing what lies at ones fingertips with just a few keystrokes, I'm sure I'd restrict my kids (if I ever have any) access.

Sounds like your daughter still loves you though, you're still her momma. :yes

 

[Sparkey]

Having to deal with rebellion...yeah...I don't know, it was just a couple of months ago and all of a sudden *bing*...she just started in.

I wish there was a way to keep the world's influence away from her..but that's just impossible and she is going to have to live in the world eventually...hopefully when she's old enough to strike out on her own, she'll have a godly foundation upon which to make her decisions and be a little wiser in what she does.

But, egad...trying to keep up with her...:o

When my boys were young, I don't know maybe 4 or 5 years old? I asked them to talk to their friends and ask their friends if they thought their parents loved them. A couple days later I checked and they had talked with their friends in the neighborhood and found that yes - their friends had parents who loved them. No surprise, right? So then I asked them to check with their friends and see what made them say that. "How do they know for sure?" That opened up the conversation and we began to discuss spankings from there. The boys were being brought into the conversation and it was my intent to show that adults had the job of correcting kids.

But they were much younger and although the subject was not the same something that came from it may be of use. After our discussion about love and responsibility and the need for correction, I asked my children to watch the lives of their friends and told them it would take a couple years to see things well. I was teaching them to "mark" others. Did their parents really love them? Could we ever know? How?

Much later in life (my oldest is 27 and married now) he came to me and said that he had actually taken me up on that part of "my little speech" about love. He told me that he was glad that I wasn't the kind of dad that would come home drunk and smack his kids around.

It seems to me that children are trapped into a "It isn't fair!" viewpoint where they want so many things that they see other kids having but don't see what they do have and others need.

 

[warhorse]

Well, my daughter officially hates me.

She hates me because, after she signed up to an internet chat room without permission AND downloaded all the stuff they had her download without doing virus checks, also without permission AND chatting to people online that neither she, nor her father, nor I know, again, without permission, not to mention dressing up the avatar in an immodest (to say the least) way.....

....me, wicked cruel mother that I am, deleted the account, and deleted all the stuff off the drive.

She tried laying her head on my shoulder, doing this adorably cute little sniff she does, and saying in her bestest little girl voice, "I'm sorry mommy", but I deleted all the stuff anyway...

Ahhh, to be "hated" by a teenager...I must be doing something right.

Ahhh teenage Girls. The most viciouse creature in all of Gods creation.