[__ Prayer __] parents made me guilty for growing up

[addonai]

My parents are so childish, and they never talk real talk, but expect from us to behave like adults.
If they want us to behave like adults, then talk with us like one, and treat us like one.
They're so stupid in every way.
Money is their God, because we're poor, and so fixated on money saving. to point where I have no idea why are we even saving money.

You know, this led me, that I will never have family, I do not want family life. That is expense. And even a partner if she's not cooperative is expense and not worth it no matter the feelings.

I read that kid developing sexuality is in fact Godly plan for kids, to transition in adulthood. And all that relationship stuff.. which is good.

But they never talked about it. And like they bring shame to even mention of it.

I feel shameful when somebody mention 'tits' or 'ass', like it's sin to say it. Like that feeling, when you have to cover your eyes when someone is nude on movie, and you watch with parents. It's so stupid and pointless. Like, it's so stupid.

Kid is able to recognise object of nudity, and then he puts hand over his eyes. So, he was not saved from anything really. You just teach them, how to avoid, and feel shame whenever such topic is brang up. It makes sex talk utter impossible, even if it's crucial in having healthy and open relationship. Because how good relationship is, if one topic is completely off discussion ?

Also suicide is impossible to talk, and depression as well.

We have some relative who committed suicide. And I tried to ask about it, my siblings, my parents, but no. They literally avoid it, and tell me "don't talk about it" " just stop", like it's some isolated case, and they never want to talk what cause such things.

They never talked to me about sex. I never asked that we need to discuss sex explicitly, but I also never wanted to have shame associated with it. Like, it's a sin to even ask about it, or be curious about it.
They just taught me to avoid them and never talk to them about any topic.

I don't feel happy around them, I don't smile in front of them. Because they're malicious.


But whatever, I alone came to conclusion to healthy sexual outlook. And imagine this, they wouldn't accept such a view if I ever told them such a thing !! That's the thing when you don't discuss something. It really deviates from your outlook. Because, guess what ! you never even told your outlook ! and you're expecting like I'm going to telepathically get all understanding exactly like you.

I can't rely on guidance from them. Nothing.


They always complain "like how we only care for money they work jobs for". But it's 100% their fault, for being so passive in everything.


When I kill myself, it's the end. Like, end end.
I don't think there's much options for me. I worked hard so much, but at least I can kill myself with clear conscience, knowing I did everything I could do.

why God you leave me when it's hardest.

why other kids could roam free, express their thoughts without judgment, where I was subjected to discipline for showing most childish behaviour. They now caused me anxiety.
I was extroverted kid, who liked to speak his mind. And guess who I see today is popular, and speak their mind ? those have popularity, because they can talk to people, being extrovert...

I never wanted to be introvert, but they always forced me to. And now they complain, why I am so clammed up.

 

[citrus]

I get it. My parents are exactly the same. I think my parents just are comfortable that way. They think they are doing it right. I mean really maybe they don't mean harm. I think it is just ignorance or denial. Everyone has grown up I. A different generation and so it is a lot different now. They just are trying to do what they think is best and it is comfortable for them. They don't seevthe damage they think everything is just fine. I get it. Are you an only child? I'm the oldest. My siblings are married and have children. My friends are sending their kids off to college and I can't adult. I'm treated like a bad 12 year old. It just they don't know how to let go. I can't imagine me having a infant let alone a college student. I haven't drove in 13 years. I can't go anywhere without my parents and they don't want to go anywhere most the time. So I get it. I'm a full grown adult and still get scolded like a kid. My mom was in the phone with my sister and i said something while my mom was on the phone and she yelled at me and treated me like a kid. My sister even said something and my mom brushed it off. I get it. She lives far away, but I just asked one question and plus I never hear from her much. She scolds me about everything and my dad well I can't go to him with anything. They both are so grouchy towards me. Like low and behold I talked. And im an introvert. I've been scolded in the store even though I didn't do anything wrong. It's embarrassing. I think they just don't get it. Plus they don't realize how old they are getting. Three is much more. It's a pain, but I just let it go. I try to make my days productive. I'm on disability ( noone can tell. It is noticeable. At least right now it isn't, that very well can change at anytime). I get scared about what the future holds. But I just try to make my day productive and focus on the good things. My dad one day asked me if one day I wanted to marry. What kind of question is that? Duh. Which will never happen, but whatever. Life is hard. My birthday is coming up. Maybe that will help. My uncle visited and was like wow. I can't believe how old your going to be. My parents were clueless about what he was saying. *face palm* he said di something big for your birthday. I all ready know we won't and that my parents won't want to go anywhere. I miss my grandpa. Right now I am just taking it one day at a time. Things are always changing and so are circumstances. One day your up, one day your down. It's just life. We don't know what will happen next. We don't know weiter good or bad. Nothing is permanent we just have to trust God. One person can be rich and loose their money. One can be poor and become rich. Steve Harvey was homeless one time. Had 75 cents in his pocket. Went to make a phone call which cost change back then. Someone came up to him and said, " I'm kind of in a situation, one of my comedy men just backed out and I need someone right now. Are you interested?" So he did a show. He got paid and thought well that was that. I'm through. But the guy liked him and gave him more money and he was doing comedy shows frequently. Now he is famous and is on tv. He only had 75 cents to his name when he started. We never know what is going to happen to us. It's not what happens to you, it is what happens inside you. Just keep pressing on. We don't see the whole future. We always have something to be greatful for and we have God the most important thing. Jesus.

 

[citrus]

The only one who never changes

 

[addonai]

I get it. My parents are exactly the same. I think my parents just are comfortable that way.

I'm youngest of other 2 brothers.
The oldest received most guidance and he took it for granted and he is still not employed ( he have 27 yr ). Imagine that !

It's also his fault as well. That father was like a father with him only, he tried to guide him, but he never really worked hard at all, so really used all family resources. And he still cant get a job. But in fact he's seeking some *perfect* job where he thinks he dont have to work as hard.


So father got tired of it, and of course he couldnt have time for us other, especially youngest.

I learnt everything through hard work.

They have super toxic views on everything.

Like, when I said to that older brother, that "wife should foremost be your best friend", he was impressed and never thought about woman in that way. So that explains how much wrong views they hold.

Older brother always bullied me when I was kid. And now when I grew up a little, I gained wisdom.
I feel like it came from that introverted thing, and just spending a lot of alone time in nature, idk.

And now, older borther wants me to guide him ! But no, I went no contact with him, I dont care.

Imagine, kid who is most neglected, had difficulties growing up because of those people, was shamed by own family. Now they want my advice ! Because they're so incompetent ! Where is all that glory and wisom they've shown before ? When they looked down upon me ?

No matter how much time passes, those things will never change and it can never be fixed. They cemented the failure.

First thought which comes to my parents about future wife, is presumption that we're gonna live in same house, or proximity to them.
Which is never going to happen.

Thwy complain, "how we're survive if they die?". Well, if they were actually present in our lives, they would see us as capable, and would guide us.



I dont think they have excuse in being ignorant, or too comfortable. I understand generational thing, but there's a difference between being toxic.

Normal parent when he sees I have some different preferences, will just respect that. They dont need to understant it, but at least talk to me like adult.
Like, if I say, that I dont want to have wife in any close proximity to them because I hate them, and because it's not a good thing to be close to parents in marriage whatsoever, then respect that as it is.



I'm so sick and ashamed of family dinamics. And that we dont yet have job.
But it all boils down, that parents expect us (me) to pull life out of my a**, while when they had opportunities to get in better city with more job opportunities, they refused. And like, just wait on kids to figure all out, to fix all parent mistakes.


They've earned hate and complete silence from me. I will always hate them. It can never be forgiven, only tolerated.

I wont tolerate them, neither excuse their behaviour. I will let go of hate, if thats what bible calls forgivenes. But that as far I go.

It cant make me like them.


I dont want to go to family trips ever with them. Because I know it will be about what activities they enjoy.
And if I do something they dont like, then they call me weird, and why I have such a preference, I'm weird.
That's no way to talk to adult !


What's parent role in child life when child is already a parent to itself.
And when child, youngest of all, need to teach parents how to parent !
They failed at everything, because they never even tried. They destroyed my life and opportunities.

I dont need them.


When I was kid, they talked to me how they wanted to kill me as child, because they wanted a girl. (ofc, so they could control her to hell)

And when they said that few times they mentioned it, they showed no remorse !

First time when they mentioned it, they mentioned it casually like its no big deal, and they look me in eye, like i should be thankful for even being alive. But also, complete indiffrence in their eyes as well.
I had tears in my eyes. And when I ran in my room. They all act like , I'm stupid, I shouldnt be traumatized by it, no big deal..

so they proved to be abusive and mentally crazy.

they always look at other kids, and conplain about me. vut why they cant be like other parents rhen ?
any sort of expense for us, they despise.
they never invested in us.

It's hard to make it socially due to these issues.
I want to be popular kid, I want to be funny, I want to go to parties.
But I cant.
Imagine how shameful it feels to be poir, even if I want to socialise. Parents made it impossible.
I'm just a poor person trying to be friendly. Nobody wants poor people friends. I havent been able to find them.

Who cant affort to pay for coffe or something.

 

[addonai]

I want to put the end of the chapter in my life. They're never gonna repent. And their repentance if ever happen wouldnt be true. Because if it was ever true, then they would accept their flaws, and their mistakes and how much they hurt me in life. They would really understand how I feel due to those they did.
But I know they will never repent like that. I expect them to be in hell after all.

Repentance they think they have is not real, they just want a pass to heaven.

After all, they never talked about it right. So how would I kbow.

They told me how they will repent on deathbed and that will be enough for God. Yea, make hell for others and save you a**

 

[citrus]

I dont want to go to family trips ever with
I want to be popular kid, I want to be funny, I want to go to partie

You don't want to be popular. At least if you be a popular those people are snobs and get themselves into trouble. How old are you? You don't need those kind of parties. You need a true friend. I was a loner once and I wore hand me downs and got made fun of. I never want to be like them. Through out the years sometimes i didn't have friends and sometimes I did. When I was old enough I got a job and payed for own clothes and started to go to youth group at church and made some friends. They didn't go to school with me though. Then over time friends come and go in my life. Be better than the popular kids and be better than your parents when you grow into an adult. Maybe you can get enough money and move out. Let me tell us it isn't easy adulting. I'm trying to figure things out myself. They seem like real jerks to treat you that way. Make better choices than them as you adult. Sorry your going through such a hard time. I was asked a few times if I wanted to talk to a counselor. I'm like no. Why do I want to pay money for a person to be my friend for one hour a week ot two weeks. I get it. I pray the holy spirit comforts and councils you. I can't stand my parents all the time. I'm closer to my dad. Sometimes things are going great and then they treat me low and are annoying as all get out, but i love them. Its's not the end of my story. Sooner or later it will change. It's okay to not forget. You can forgive someone and still not forget or trust them. When your out on your own it is up to you. How old are you? Are you In high-school?

 

[citrus]

Sometimes colleges have free counseling. I would definitely go to that. That is what I did. Even counselors need counseling. Everyone does, but no way am I paying out of my pocket. Hope things get better. I wish I had a closer friend or Christian counseling for free. Thunk how hard and isolating it was before internet was invented and we had to use big encyclopedias. There is a lot we had no idea about. It was harder in school. No calculators until 7th grade? Life is hard. Sorry a little off topic. Point is we have more resources now. So maybe you can find help here and or Facebook. Please go to Jesus with it first. Even if your mad at him. Then try to find coping mechanism. Do they give you any privacy? Do you have your own room? Well I have a great day. I am going for now. I'll check back later

 

[citrus]

I'll be lifting you up in prayer. This is spiritual warfare. Maybe this is a cycle in your family that once you are older and move out, you can break those cycles so you and the family you create have better. And a peaceful joy filled home.

 

[for_his_glory]

Please do not take this the wrong way as I see a better person in you then what you think of your own self, but you have so much hurt, rage, anger and resentment against your parents and siblings that IMO you continue to dwell on instead of putting your self out there to meet new friends and to find a job, any job that will help you to move out of your parents home. They do not own you, nor do they have any right to try and control you at your age. You need to start being your own man and make a life for yourself.

So many excuses that makes me wonder if you just don't want to move past all the garbage in your life and find that place of content and happiness. My family, all ten including my parents, were poor growing up as we did not have much. I know about the bulling, the hate and the anger, but then I grew up and as an adult started my own life making my way into the world. Excuses can only last so long until they either consume you or you take action and do something about the situation only you are allowing yourself to stay in.

Humble yourself before Jesus and start that new relationship with Him asking for a refreshing of His Holy Spirit. Pray and God will open doors of opportunity for you, but it's up to you to walk through them to better yourself and find your own place. None of us knows your parents nor even you other than what you say in here. You are not a stupid person and you do have computer skills and possibly need to find a job you can do in that area if that is what you want to pursue. The ball is in your court my friend, are you going to keep missing the basket, or are you going to make a slam dunk. It's all up to you.

 

[Christ_empowered]

I’ve been there. The mental health industry made it worse. Not just the blame the parents gimmick but everything…


A lot of it is bondage masquerading as a path to freedom. That goes 3x for college counseling services. Destroying people they perceive as weaklings is part of their job.

I’m almost 40. By God’s grace my parents are kind to me. Schizophrenia? Maybe? A tranquilizer tablet n the morning lots of vitamins and antioxidants…


Are —-part—- of my way forward.
At 40 my parents were working full time dealing with me entering adolescence and doing adult ? life well. The mental health industry ripped me to shreds almost forced my parents to get rid of me and over billed my long suffering parents. And now…


At nearly 40 Jesus Christ has willed to restore my family. Yes I’m an adult and I apparently have schizophrenia. My parents are kind to me they even take care of me…
An adult ? who would not live long not last long without them in this cold cruel world ?️.


The mental health people laughed at me laughed about the lobotomy and shock treatments they did to me without my knowledge or consent and even bad mouthed my parents when they stopped paying for more torture.
Jesus Christ has blessed ? me with: my family good health and a surprisingly high iq and a nice modest home and treatment I need that doesn’t involve torment and brain operations and high voltage ️ electroshock and…


Love Jesus Christ. Love and honor your parents to whatever extent possible please ?.