Perspectives on Age Difference

[jasoncran]

I think the reason why so many Christians seem to think that sex is part of the dating equation is because, for so many sex is part of the dating equation, even when it shouldn't be.

When I was single, and it came out that I was a virgin, I was always looked at as if I had sprouted a third eye or something. When I made the mistake of saying, "Hey, I'm a Christian...no sex outside of marriage", oh man, did that ever open me up for attacks by others who maintained that just because someone is having sex with a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't mean that they aren't a Christian. It wasn't as if I was flaunting my virginity or anything, as a matter of fact, I couldn't for the life of me understand why anyone thought it was any of their business, except that sex is just overwhelmingly huge out there in the world. When I worked at the computer company, sex was discussed all the time. Who was sleeping with whom, who was gay, who was lesbian, me, the prude (believe me, I'm no prude).

With my daughter...if we lived in a society where it was practical for early marriage...I truly wouldn't have a problem with my daughter and her "grocery boy" dating and marrying. But, we have to live within the society that we live in...and in our society there is no way a girl can (or even should) be married prior to 18. So, they have to wait.

Now, I trust said "grocery boy" enough that I would be OK with them dating...but not for 4 1/2 years. I just simply cannot imagine dating anyone, being head over heels in love with each other, for that long without either succumbing to sexual temptation or just breaking up because of the sexual tension. Even if he could hold off, I doubt if she could.

'Smatter of fact, if a guy or girl could be in close, dating proximity, to someone they truly love for 4 years without succumbing to temptation...I would actually worry about whether or not they were sexually healthy.

If, (and I hope my daughter doesn't read this, because I really don't want her to know this) if, she and and the grocery boy are still in love when she's about 17 1/2, close to the age of consent to be married, then most likely her father and I will let them date, because I do trust them, both of them, to be sexually abstinent for a few months, even up to a year...

...but for 4 1/2 years....I just can't see it. I really can't. I mean, it's hard enough to remain celibate when one is dating someone who's not even all that special. I remember one date I went on with a guy...and not even a guy that I truly desired to pursue much after a couple of dates, but man...was the tension hard to deal with, mainly because he was just downright sexy! (And anyone who thinks it's just the guy who faces the tension and temptations and not the girl is dreaming.)

ohh the hardship i faced as single christian not having sex.

 

[pjt]

Igor, I think 1 Cor. 7:8-9 addresses this matter " I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I.
But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn".

The Bible address the fact that humans burn with passion or sexual desire and in such cases marriage is the answer. The Bible does not suggest one just let themselves burn on and on until they feel like they are going to explode. Instead of falling into sin, God suggests marriage, but this passion is recognized by God. It exists. There`s no denying that and if 2 people are not ready to marry then they should not be placing themselves in situations where they might yield to the natural burning of passion.

As for a 17 year old, well we have to abide by the law of the land and there is a maturity difference between a 17 year old and a 20 year old. Usually the 20 year old has moved out and lived on their own while the 17 year old is still under the roof, care, and authority of their parents. I know I grew up a lot between 17 and 20. But on a practical level, I will agree with you that 17 is much closer in maturity to a 20 year old than a 13 year old is.

As for Handy`s situation, I think in my grandmother`s time, it was not uncommon for 20 year olds and 13 year olds to fall in love and sometimes even marry. But as Handy mentioned in today`s age times are different so if she allowed her daughter to go out with this man, it would probably cause a lot of social problems for them. People would look at the young man like he was a child molestor and people would look at her daughter as well as Handy and her husband in a not so good way. So to protect both her daughter and the young man from social scorn, she has to tell them to wait. It`s just the way the way it is.

 

[Igor]

I absolutely agree with the practicality of most of what you are saying. Still, I have to question why Christians have the perspective that an adult can not date a minor based on statutory rape laws, and cite this as their primary, if not their only basis. (I assume that's what you mean by "the law of the land" as I know of no other secular laws that would prevent it.) I understand you cited many other reasons, but so many people, Christians and non-Christians alike only cite age of consent laws as their reason for prohibiting an adult dating a minor. Now I know a non-Christian is not held to our moral codes, but for all of us the only age of consent law that applies exclusively to dating is statutory rape, which is defined as sexual intercourse with a person under the age of consent (18 in most of the US, but actually 16 where I live!).

That is why, from my perspective, I don't have a problem with age differences relating to age of consent, and can't understand why Christians so automatically have a problem with this. It is as if, despite what so many preach, that we know we are so guilty of violating our own preaching that we automatically assume our kids are doing the same thing (or will, if given the chance) almost without exception. Now this is getting off topic, but maybe it's time for us Christians to take a real good look at what the Bible actually says about sexual relationships (in and out of marriage, above and below certain ages) then start teaching what the Bible says, start PRACTICING it ourselves, and start expecting it from our children.

Anyway, that's just my perspective. Sorry if its way off topic.

 

[handy]

I do agree with what you are saying as well, Igor.

Really, there is no law that I know of anywhere, that prohibits an adult from dating a minor. And, in my own family, there have been several instances of adults dating minors, and then marrying when both were adults. These were mainly instances when they both met in High School and one was older than the other. I'm not against it, nor am I against early marriages as marrying between 18-20 is very normal in my family and divorce is (almost) non-existent on my side of the family when it comes to my siblings and their kids. (With one exception, but there are "issues" with that one.)

It isn't so much the age difference, which tends to shrink over time unless it's really great, it's more of how long of a wait between the beginning of the dating relationship and marriage. That's the kicker. It's one thing for a 20 year old and a 17 year old to date, when they are only looking at a year or so before marriage is possible. Quite another if it's a 21 year old and a 13 year old. Just way too long of a wait, and the 13 year old has some important growing years to get through as well.

 

[pjt]

"Still, I have to question why Christians have the perspective that an adult can not date a minor based on statutory rape laws"


Igor, do you have children? I think there is a protective flag to go up in parents when an older person takes an interest in a minor. I mean even lets say a 13 year old with an 18 year old. I probably would feel very cautious if an 18 year old were to start approaching my 13 year old son or daughter because the maturity difference is so great. Even in friendships if an older boy wants to be friends with my son, I feel a flag of caution simply because I know the maturity difference is so great. I wonder why an older kid wants to hang out with an elementary school kid who still thinks girls are "yucky". Of course, sometimes there are mutual interests that break the age barrier, but on the whole I think parents generally feel protective of their children when a older person approaches because each year brings enormous growth and maturity throughout youth.

Also we have to consider there may be a reason the statutory rape laws were made. Perhaps too many young people were being taken advantage of by adults and finally parents had enough of it, banned together and insisted on this law being made like MADD mothers banned together and insisted on stricter laws against drunk drivers. It`s just a parent`s effort to protect their children.

 

[handy]

I think there is a protective flag to go up in parents when an older person takes an interest in a minor. I mean even lets say a 13 year old with an 18 year old. I probably would feel very cautious if an 18 year old were to start approaching my 13 year old son or daughter because the maturity difference is so great. Even in friendships if an older boy wants to be friends with my son, I feel a flag of caution simply because I know the maturity difference is so great. I wonder why an older kid wants to hang out with an elementary school kid who still thinks girls are "yucky". Of course, sometimes there are mutual interests that break the age barrier, but on the whole I think parents generally feel protective of their children when a older person approaches because each year brings enormous growth and maturity throughout youth.

I admit to having mixed feelings about this. A couple of years ago, I wouldn't have, not in the least. I would have been adamant that there is noway, nohow anyone as old as 18 should be in anyway attracted to a 13 year old.

But, now I must be honest and say that my daughter's friendship with her "grocery boy" has been nothing but positive. As a matter of fact, during this year when she has started a new school and has faced some serious bullying, and the fact that her former best friend without any cause just turned on her in that mysterious way some girls have...he has been one of the few people besides family that she can rely upon to be supportive of her.

I don't kid myself, we are all kinds of lucky (or better yet blessed) that he is a stand-up, decent kind of guy who just happened to take a header over someone who was a lot younger than he first realized. If he was the wrong kind of guy, he would be my worst nightmare. But, he isn't. And she has benefited from being his friend.

 

[pjt]

I admit to having mixed feelings about this. A couple of years ago, I wouldn't have, not in the least. I would have been adamant that there is noway, nohow anyone as old as 18 should be in anyway attracted to a 13 year old.

But, now I must be honest and say that my daughter's friendship with her "grocery boy" has been nothing but positive. As a matter of fact, during this year when she has started a new school and has faced some serious bullying, and the fact that her former best friend without any cause just turned on her in that mysterious way some girls have...he has been one of the few people besides family that she can rely upon to be supportive of her.

I don't kid myself, we are all kinds of lucky (or better yet blessed) that he is a stand-up, decent kind of guy who just happened to take a header over someone who was a lot younger than he first realized. If he was the wrong kind of guy, he would be my worst nightmare. But, he isn't. And she has benefited from being his friend.

Handy, I think your case is a little different because you are very aware of what is going on and you are very much in control of how much goes on between your daughter and this young man. And the young man sounds to be very respectful of your family and daughter by not pushing for more. If he started pushing to go out with your daughter unsupervised, yours and your husband`s feelings might be very different. The key is he is staying within the comfortable and appropriate boundaries you have set for a 13 year old girl. He is not asking to date her like she is a 20 year old woman. He`s meeting her on her level rather than bringing her up to his.

 

[handy]

Handy, I think your case is a little different because you are very aware of what is going on and you are very much in control of how much goes on between your daughter and this young man. And the young man sounds to be very respectful of your family and daughter by not pushing for more. If he started pushing to go out with your daughter unsupervised, yours and your husband`s feelings might be very different. The key is he is staying within the comfortable and appropriate boundaries you have set for a 13 year old girl. He is not asking to date her like she is a 20 year old woman. He`s meeting her on her level rather than bringing her up to his.

Yes, if he pushed to start taking her out, just the two of them, or even just started doing things on the sly, yes, absolutely that would change things.