makinbacon
Member
How do you feel about age differences in dating? What is too much of a difference? Is there a limit? And so on...
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Perspectives on Age Difference
- Thread starter makinbacon
- Start date
jasoncran
Member
i will say this as i am the younger.
the younger must realise that they may have to take care of the elder and outlive them.
my wife has a ton of health issues and is disabled at the young age of 52.
a reality that i might have to face.
no, she isnt that close nor do i wish it to be, but they fact is i have spent alot of money on doctors on her alone.
it just happened. and very rapidly.
i doubt if i was single and someone in their teens(adult)would date someone who is enough to father them.
i can date older women or those near my age of 38, but to date an 18 yrd old. very hard for me to do.
My personal limit is +/- 15 years.
It would creep me out to much if I went out with someone who is old enough to be my son or father.
Having said that, there is no way I'd allow a 15 year daughter of mine to go out with a 30 year old man.
I think the younger one in the relationship should be a mature adult (25+) if the difference is quite large.
I believe the challenges in a relationship does increase the further the gap, particularly if you talking 20+ year differences.
It would creep me out to much if I went out with someone who is old enough to be my son or father.
Having said that, there is no way I'd allow a 15 year daughter of mine to go out with a 30 year old man.
I think the younger one in the relationship should be a mature adult (25+) if the difference is quite large.
I believe the challenges in a relationship does increase the further the gap, particularly if you talking 20+ year differences.
jasoncran
Member
lol. i thought i know alot at age 28 when i married my wife of then aged 42.
also that 30 yr cant date a teen that young, something called statutory rape laws tend to stop that.
If the two parties are consenting adults then no. More important are the ideals/goals each share. If you want children and are interested in dating an older woman you'd have to think about adoption. Couples may have to consider generational differences and whether they can deal with them.
makinbacon
Member
Thanks for your thoughts.
As one gets older, age matters less, but in the younger years there is usually a big gap in maturity even in a few years of age difference so I would say it depends on the age. I mean I wouldn`t want a 13 year old dating a 20 year old, but I would not think anything of a 30 year old dating a 37 year old, yet both are equally 7 years apart.
I think it depends on the individuals too. Some 20 year olds have the maturity of a 30 year old while other 20 year olds have the maturity of a 10 year old. So an immature 20 year old probably shouldn`t be dating an older person but the mature 20 year old may make a good match with an older person.
As someone else mentioned one has to consider generational differences too. If one is just relating to music, TV, and events from one period of time and the other from another, they may be a mismatch, but if their interests are mutual then it should not be a problem.
I don`t know where the line is drawn to say "too far" but certainly anything beyond 20 years seems to be really pressing it to me, but I know a girl that married a man 28 years older than herself and they have a daughter together and seem to be happy so who am I to say. It`s not my cup of tea but it`s not my marriage either! I wish them lots of continued happiness and good health.
I think it depends on the individuals too. Some 20 year olds have the maturity of a 30 year old while other 20 year olds have the maturity of a 10 year old. So an immature 20 year old probably shouldn`t be dating an older person but the mature 20 year old may make a good match with an older person.
As someone else mentioned one has to consider generational differences too. If one is just relating to music, TV, and events from one period of time and the other from another, they may be a mismatch, but if their interests are mutual then it should not be a problem.
I don`t know where the line is drawn to say "too far" but certainly anything beyond 20 years seems to be really pressing it to me, but I know a girl that married a man 28 years older than herself and they have a daughter together and seem to be happy so who am I to say. It`s not my cup of tea but it`s not my marriage either! I wish them lots of continued happiness and good health.
Nathan Kendall
Member
Age does not matter, but it is the only tool used to measure "maturity". Like the above, I dated a teen, and I wish she would grow up because I loved her. Likewise, I'm sure she saw that in me. It's all about your decisions, experience and views, not how many candles are on the cake.
handy
Member
This will be familiar to some around here, but I'll share anyway...my 13 year old daughter is very much in love with a guy who is now 21...and, from what all we can see, he's very much in love with her as well.
Naturally, they are not allowed to date. And, we encourage her to develop friendships and go on chaperoned dates with guys her age...which she has gone on a few, even had a "boyfriend" for about 6 weeks. I would love it if he would date too, but he doesn't. He broke up with his last girlfriend not long after he met our daughter, and hasn't dated anyone since, but he does do things with friends his age, goes do dance clubs, hangs out, goes camping etc...
When she turns 18, he'll be 25. If, at that time, they still feel the same way then we'll be more than happy for them to have a relationship and see where it takes them. 'Smatter of fact, even if they don't get together, I'll always think of him as a son...we've gotten pretty close over the past two years. So much so, I'll probably be the one blubbering if they don't wind up together!
Meanwhile, we have him over every now and then, and see him quite frequently at his work, and they are very good friends. And, good friendship is a good start to a relationship. Her friendship with him has been a very positive thing for her, and she is good for him as well. They aren't ever left alone with each other, but they've had plenty of conversations at our dining room table, when we've been on the patio, or visey-versy.
The age difference between 13 and 21 is impossible, and I'm glad they both recognize this. But, 18 and 25...not so impossible at all. And, by the time she's 20, he'll be 27 and the age difference will be almost non-existent by then.
So, no, I don't have a problem with age differences. If a couple has to face the fact that they cannot be a couple due to one being underage...then they need to nurture their friendship and learn to wait...and learning to wait...something that is almost unheard of in our society...is actually a good thing.
Naturally, they are not allowed to date. And, we encourage her to develop friendships and go on chaperoned dates with guys her age...which she has gone on a few, even had a "boyfriend" for about 6 weeks. I would love it if he would date too, but he doesn't. He broke up with his last girlfriend not long after he met our daughter, and hasn't dated anyone since, but he does do things with friends his age, goes do dance clubs, hangs out, goes camping etc...
When she turns 18, he'll be 25. If, at that time, they still feel the same way then we'll be more than happy for them to have a relationship and see where it takes them. 'Smatter of fact, even if they don't get together, I'll always think of him as a son...we've gotten pretty close over the past two years. So much so, I'll probably be the one blubbering if they don't wind up together!
Meanwhile, we have him over every now and then, and see him quite frequently at his work, and they are very good friends. And, good friendship is a good start to a relationship. Her friendship with him has been a very positive thing for her, and she is good for him as well. They aren't ever left alone with each other, but they've had plenty of conversations at our dining room table, when we've been on the patio, or visey-versy.
The age difference between 13 and 21 is impossible, and I'm glad they both recognize this. But, 18 and 25...not so impossible at all. And, by the time she's 20, he'll be 27 and the age difference will be almost non-existent by then.
So, no, I don't have a problem with age differences. If a couple has to face the fact that they cannot be a couple due to one being underage...then they need to nurture their friendship and learn to wait...and learning to wait...something that is almost unheard of in our society...is actually a good thing.
On a serious note, I've heard the saying "half your age plus seven" for the age a guy should shoot for in a girlfriend or spouse. In looking back on my relationships, the two that were really good ones actually did fit that formula, even though I never gave it a thought at the time.
You know, I'm wondering about something that applies to this thread as well as many others I've seen on this forum...
If I were to ask all of you who are Christian if it's OK to have sex while dating (outside of marriage), a good number of you would vehemently say NO! So why, with this attitude so prevalent, is it that whenever the subject of dating younger people comes up among us Christians, the requirement that the younger of them be over 18 years old (the usual "age of consent" for having sex), and the subject of statutory rape (having sex with a person under the "age of consent") comes up. These things always come up and are talked about as if it is a presumed thing that we Christians, despite what so many of us preach, consider sex to be a given part of dating!
When we speak of "age of consent" and "statutory rape" this has nothing to do with parents setting dating rules for their childeren, as Handy spoke of. This is strictly about adults having sex with minors. So why do Christian adults automatically take it for granted that we can't date someone under the age of consent unless we really don't believe or practice what many of us preach.
If I were to ask all of you who are Christian if it's OK to have sex while dating (outside of marriage), a good number of you would vehemently say NO! So why, with this attitude so prevalent, is it that whenever the subject of dating younger people comes up among us Christians, the requirement that the younger of them be over 18 years old (the usual "age of consent" for having sex), and the subject of statutory rape (having sex with a person under the "age of consent") comes up. These things always come up and are talked about as if it is a presumed thing that we Christians, despite what so many of us preach, consider sex to be a given part of dating!
When we speak of "age of consent" and "statutory rape" this has nothing to do with parents setting dating rules for their childeren, as Handy spoke of. This is strictly about adults having sex with minors. So why do Christian adults automatically take it for granted that we can't date someone under the age of consent unless we really don't believe or practice what many of us preach.
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I think the maturity of the two is put into the equation. A 13 year old can be like putty in the hands of a 20 year old. They just look up to and admire the older person and the older person is much more experienced in life so if they want to engage in intercourse or the hormones come over them, it`s not a balanced maturity level. Also the 13 year old is just coming of age, is just awakening to his or her sexual feelings but a 20 year old is much more ripened so they may have more developed, mature sexual feelings. Also the 20 year old is much more capable of manipulating than an inexperienced 13 year old peer. In addition, there is the difference in size so if a 13 year old tries to get away, it would not be a fair fight. The 20 year old would have the physical advantage. So from a legal and practical sense, these considerations are applied. But from a spiritual sense, we realize even though we believe in remaining pure, we don`t ignore the fact that we are still flesh and a 13 or 20 year old caught up in the moment of love and passion is capable of falling, but a 13 year old with a lusty 20 year old is definately at more of a disadvantage than the 13 year old with another lusty 13 year old.
Yeah, I guess in mentioning Handy and her daughter, I made it look like I was talking about them. That's not really what I meant, and I understand what you are saying in that case.
What about the 20 year old adult dating the 17 year old minor? (Half his age plus 7, by the way.) When you really think about it, saying it should not be allowed can only be based on the idea that the 17 year old is not yet 18, so statutory rape laws make this illegal. This is saying that we assume dating equals having sex. Including us Christians. A year later, when these same folks are 18 and 21, no one says they shouldn't date because of their ages. I don't think that one more year makes any real difference in their ability to suppress their natural desire for sex, so the only reason for saying they both have to be over 18 is based on the assumption that dating equals sex. It just doesn't seem consistent that so many Christians outwardly condemn sex outside of marriage, then always make this implied assumption when we talk about our young ones.
I guess in relation to "perspectives on age differences" (at least regarding dating) I have to question Christians' true commitment to the "no sex outside of marriage" ideal when we clearly seem to assume that dating must equal sex. Why do we assume that even Christians (in dating situations) will have sex?
Nick
Member
That's my stance as well.
However, there does come a point (not sure where) that you have to say "that's too big an age gab, it's just wrong!". I've heard of 18 or 19 year-old girls marrying 70 year-old guys. That's simply wrong. I would draw the line where that person is old or young enough to be your parents or kids. There is a point in my mind where it just becomes creepy. I think my limit is 20 years.
jasoncran
Member
well nick i couldnt date someone your age.
Nick
Member
Yep, it'd seem weird, someone 38 dating an 18 or 19 year-old. I find that creepy. Surely it would work better the closer in age?
handy
Member
I think the reason why so many Christians seem to think that sex is part of the dating equation is because, for so many sex is part of the dating equation, even when it shouldn't be.
When I was single, and it came out that I was a virgin, I was always looked at as if I had sprouted a third eye or something. When I made the mistake of saying, "Hey, I'm a Christian...no sex outside of marriage", oh man, did that ever open me up for attacks by others who maintained that just because someone is having sex with a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't mean that they aren't a Christian. It wasn't as if I was flaunting my virginity or anything, as a matter of fact, I couldn't for the life of me understand why anyone thought it was any of their business, except that sex is just overwhelmingly huge out there in the world. When I worked at the computer company, sex was discussed all the time. Who was sleeping with whom, who was gay, who was lesbian, me, the prude (believe me, I'm no prude).
With my daughter...if we lived in a society where it was practical for early marriage...I truly wouldn't have a problem with my daughter and her "grocery boy" dating and marrying. But, we have to live within the society that we live in...and in our society there is no way a girl can (or even should) be married prior to 18. So, they have to wait.
Now, I trust said "grocery boy" enough that I would be OK with them dating...but not for 4 1/2 years. I just simply cannot imagine dating anyone, being head over heels in love with each other, for that long without either succumbing to sexual temptation or just breaking up because of the sexual tension. Even if he could hold off, I doubt if she could.
'Smatter of fact, if a guy or girl could be in close, dating proximity, to someone they truly love for 4 years without succumbing to temptation...I would actually worry about whether or not they were sexually healthy.
If, (and I hope my daughter doesn't read this, because I really don't want her to know this) if, she and and the grocery boy are still in love when she's about 17 1/2, close to the age of consent to be married, then most likely her father and I will let them date, because I do trust them, both of them, to be sexually abstinent for a few months, even up to a year...
...but for 4 1/2 years....I just can't see it. I really can't. I mean, it's hard enough to remain celibate when one is dating someone who's not even all that special. I remember one date I went on with a guy...and not even a guy that I truly desired to pursue much after a couple of dates, but man...was the tension hard to deal with, mainly because he was just downright sexy! (And anyone who thinks it's just the guy who faces the tension and temptations and not the girl is dreaming.)
When I was single, and it came out that I was a virgin, I was always looked at as if I had sprouted a third eye or something. When I made the mistake of saying, "Hey, I'm a Christian...no sex outside of marriage", oh man, did that ever open me up for attacks by others who maintained that just because someone is having sex with a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't mean that they aren't a Christian. It wasn't as if I was flaunting my virginity or anything, as a matter of fact, I couldn't for the life of me understand why anyone thought it was any of their business, except that sex is just overwhelmingly huge out there in the world. When I worked at the computer company, sex was discussed all the time. Who was sleeping with whom, who was gay, who was lesbian, me, the prude (believe me, I'm no prude).
With my daughter...if we lived in a society where it was practical for early marriage...I truly wouldn't have a problem with my daughter and her "grocery boy" dating and marrying. But, we have to live within the society that we live in...and in our society there is no way a girl can (or even should) be married prior to 18. So, they have to wait.
Now, I trust said "grocery boy" enough that I would be OK with them dating...but not for 4 1/2 years. I just simply cannot imagine dating anyone, being head over heels in love with each other, for that long without either succumbing to sexual temptation or just breaking up because of the sexual tension. Even if he could hold off, I doubt if she could.
'Smatter of fact, if a guy or girl could be in close, dating proximity, to someone they truly love for 4 years without succumbing to temptation...I would actually worry about whether or not they were sexually healthy.
If, (and I hope my daughter doesn't read this, because I really don't want her to know this) if, she and and the grocery boy are still in love when she's about 17 1/2, close to the age of consent to be married, then most likely her father and I will let them date, because I do trust them, both of them, to be sexually abstinent for a few months, even up to a year...
...but for 4 1/2 years....I just can't see it. I really can't. I mean, it's hard enough to remain celibate when one is dating someone who's not even all that special. I remember one date I went on with a guy...and not even a guy that I truly desired to pursue much after a couple of dates, but man...was the tension hard to deal with, mainly because he was just downright sexy! (And anyone who thinks it's just the guy who faces the tension and temptations and not the girl is dreaming.)