Christ_empowered
Member
I used to pray that I'd be like I was before pills and electroshock and mental health "treatment." What I've been given is beyond my wildest expectations. Not only am I smart again--not a super-genius, but smart enough to write reasonably well, comprehend the world, and understand social cues--but I've matured. I care about other people and the world, and I struggle with sin and...basically, I became a human being. That was always the real draw of Christianity, after I'd been given forgiveness. The idea that a burned out, prematurely aged, hated, homosexual mental patient could become a human being--and a man at that--did more to draw me into the fold and keep me there than promises of salvation and life everlasting. Those, of course, are incredibly important, but at the time...I just wanted to be a human being again.
So, now I am a human being. Most days, its amazing. I'll open my mouth to say something, and I'm pleasantly surprised, sometimes even shocked, by what comes out. I'm able to make pleasant conversation. I have unique ideas again. I'm not vacuous and burned out and obnoxious. I'm a work in progress, but the progress now is meaningful. Stumbles and slips and doubts and pain and...its just so very human, you know? And I didn't have that for a very, very long time.
I'm posting this because, 7 years after my first involuntary hospitalization, I'm human. And no longer a mental patient. I canceled with my shrink and now I'm testing the waters with quitting the Abilify. I read about "mental patients" in years past who were able to reduce their medication use to as-needed. Basically, if the agitation and what not gets to be too much, you pop the antipsychotic of your choice until the storm passes. Good enough. Better than being tranquilized every single day for the rest of your life, right?
I know...this is another "wow..me!" post, but I had to do this. I've been slipping. Some kind of spiritual warfare or something, I don't know. I've distanced myself from God and now its time to get back. Thanking God in a public place, albeit a virtual one, just might be a good first step back towards the God who saved me.
So, now I am a human being. Most days, its amazing. I'll open my mouth to say something, and I'm pleasantly surprised, sometimes even shocked, by what comes out. I'm able to make pleasant conversation. I have unique ideas again. I'm not vacuous and burned out and obnoxious. I'm a work in progress, but the progress now is meaningful. Stumbles and slips and doubts and pain and...its just so very human, you know? And I didn't have that for a very, very long time.
I'm posting this because, 7 years after my first involuntary hospitalization, I'm human. And no longer a mental patient. I canceled with my shrink and now I'm testing the waters with quitting the Abilify. I read about "mental patients" in years past who were able to reduce their medication use to as-needed. Basically, if the agitation and what not gets to be too much, you pop the antipsychotic of your choice until the storm passes. Good enough. Better than being tranquilized every single day for the rest of your life, right?
I know...this is another "wow..me!" post, but I had to do this. I've been slipping. Some kind of spiritual warfare or something, I don't know. I've distanced myself from God and now its time to get back. Thanking God in a public place, albeit a virtual one, just might be a good first step back towards the God who saved me.
