[__ Prayer __] sadness, not "depression"

[Christ_empowered]

I get down a lot. My family situation has improved 100x over where it was when I first got saved, 3 years 11 months ago. Its just...

well, I'm 32, and I'm already wondering where my life went. Not that its all everybody else's fault, but...wow. Mess up, society makes it Hell to get back into anything half way resembling a mainstream, productive life. In my case, a big part of the problem was psychiatric "treatment" and the mental health "professionals" themselves who used labels to stigmatize and dehumanize me. They made a bad situation absolutely hellish, on so many levels.

So, now, I'm wondering...what do I --do-- ? I'm blessed to be on disability. My brain was fried from 2 rounds of heavy, involuntary shock when I was put on disability. Now, The Lord has blessed me with things that were taken from me, things that I threw away, things that...well, its a fallen world. Things that I never got to have, like meaning, purpose, good health (physical+mental), normalcy. I even have great skin and thicker hair than I had as a (prematurely aged, sickly) teenager.

But I get sad. I feel trapped. People in this area openly call me "Schizophrenic." Schizophrenia. Is it a diagnosis, or is it just...a label, in my case...a label and a social role assigned to me by a community that could care less...

Yes, mental problems happen and yes, sometimes they meet the criteria for Schizophrenia. My diagnosis is Bipolar I, but...whatevs. Back in the day, people with my problems were called Schizophrenic. No big thing there...

But what do I --do-- ? I enjoy living with my parents. Its interesting...we are close and getting closer. They love me, I love them. We function as a family, despite my obvious mental problems, better now than I think we ever did before.I got older, matured a good bit (Praise God for that!), and Jesus has changed me. They've mellowed and...well, I think that now that they're nearing the end of their careers and they're doing well financially and all, they're less focused on what other people think, less concerned with their status, all that.

I'm labeled. I was labeled "severely Narcissistic" and subjected to punishment from my shrinks for a long time there. They made my life unbearable. Thing is...well, I was ugly, obviously brain damaged, estranged from my family, and sick to the point that it seemed I wasn't going to make it past 23...I was just an easy target. That's how society works. Poor, stigmatized, vulnerable, labeled people get messed over and destroyed. The psychiatrists just put a lot of things into motion and added a whole lotta fuel to the fire.

I --am-- blessed. I don't know what was wrong, physically, but...I was prematurely aged, had skin problems, respiratory problems, dead eyes, and...and...it was bad. At the 2nd mental hospital I was in they mentioned cancer, but...I dunno...couldn't process it then, can't fathom it now. I'm healthy now, and normal.

This is how the sick and the weak, the "least of these" are treated. That's the world. I used to rail against American culture because of all this. Thing is...when I was ripped to shreds, some other countries, even some more progressive parts of the country, might have helped, but...The Lord has made things come together for me. Elsewhere, I'd be in a hospital, I'd be in a group home...here, I live with my "genteel" (apparently) family and have more freedom than most people, especially most "mental patients."

Rambling. I get down. Real, real down. The economy has tanked and the "recovery..." isn't a recovery. The economy here is projected to grow at a slow, slow rate through 2026 (!), assuming no crisis strikes. I was sickly and had other problems from 16-25, so I didn't learn a trade or anything. I tried going to a tech school after hospital 1 (and shock round #1), but the "professionals" ruined that for me. Stigma...these "professionals" use stigma to keep people like me "in line."

Still rambling. I have Jesus now, I have my family now, and I'm healthy and smart enough for...what? Not everybody works, I guess. When I have worked, the stigma, more than anything, ruined any chance I had of moving forward or even keeping a low level job. Now, I'm well past 25, and I'm thinking...--sigh--. Maybe there are worse things than living with my loving people and receiving disability?

On the plus side...I live comfortably and I'm --safe--, which is huge. I was once bashed on the head with a pipe during what I guess was a botched mugging...and then in my old neighborhood, some dude yelled out "somebody's gonna shoot that faggot!," after I'd been bonded out following an arrest.

Stigma. low status. Jesus cares. Genuine Christians care. The world? I would say the world doesn't care, but that's not accurate. The world --does-- care, it seems. The world cares to punish, humiliate, shame, label, control people like me. If anything, I'm something of an exception to the way the world usually works, on a number of levels.

I'm rambling. I have a lot to be thankful for, but life with stigma and everything...plus, I'm regarded as "uppity" because I don't live the way I'm expected to (abject poverty, no friends or family, "know your place in society," etc. etc. etc.). Sometimes, I overhear the people at Dunkin Donuts talking about me and my "Schizophrenia," etc. Stigma. NOT fun.

Thanks for all the prayers. Replies...are always appreciated.

 

[LovethroughDove]

I think we all have the same kinds of feeling about life. Only you can know where God is going to place you. I'm not that much older than you and I've had a totally different path in life and I still can relate to some of what you go through. Sometimes the world has to label people, because they don't know what else to do.

 

[Christ_empowered]

yeah...also, my sins were --major-- . I know now that God is loving and merciful, which He has shown thru His work in my life, but...

...the world? Not so much. Things could be far worse. Things could be...Terrible.

I dunno. There are worse things than being a "Schizophrenic" from a "good family" (yes, its The South, lol).

 

[Eugene]

(and shock round #1), but the "professionals" ruined that for me. Stigma...these "professionals" use stigma to keep people like me "in line."

Hi Brother Christ_empowered. Are you telling me that YOU being someone that God called suffered all this without justification?
Rom 8:29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.
Rom 8:30 Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.
Rom 8:31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

Sometimes, I overhear the people at Dunkin Donuts talking about me and my "Schizophrenia

Still don't have a recording device to distinguish reality; it would prove whether shock treatments helped quell some of the narcissism leading to physical destruction. One of the largest setbacks to recovery of schizophrenia is hearing voices of condemnation from within. I've known some that listen to TV and swear that they are talking about them. Condemnation can rear its ugly head so supreme in some lives I met and talked with one man that attempted to pluck out his eye and sever his hand.

Consciousness of past events holds us bound to something forgiven, forgotten, and paid for by the very shedding of Jesus' blood. If there weren't something important according to God's provision & purpose for you according to His work in your life, you could just go up the mount and die physically and be caught up to Jesus' presence this very day. Figure it out as to what God wants you to do; there will be clues along the way.

Brother CE, many of the things we fear need not be so, but we also have an enemy ready to assault our every motive just as he fought Jesus in Mat 4:1-10 and Jesus used the shield of security all of us should seek when tested: IT IS WRITTEN. What is some of the security of victory we possess in Christ? How about going once again to thinking on the armor of God given us to be conquerors in every situation or battle we face in the presence of our enemy.
The Armor of God
http://www.christianforums.net/Fellowship/index.php?threads/the-armor-of-god.51558/

Blessings in Christ Jesus.

 

[Christ_empowered]

another awesome reply, eugene.

I get down for no really good reason. Then I beat myself up for getting down. Self, self, self. I've been praying about it. It dawned on me that I'd been trying to crucify self...while in self...and failing miserably...and getting wrapped up in self, even more...

Anyway, thanks again for your help.

 

[Angel]

The world treats you harshly, but brother, I love you in Christ. Don't give up. Ever.

 

[daninthelionsden]

another awesome reply, eugene.

I get down for no really good reason. Then I beat myself up for getting down. Self, self, self. I've been praying about it. It dawned on me that I'd been trying to crucify self...while in self...and failing miserably...and getting wrapped up in self, even more...

Anyway, thanks again for your help.

Even C.S.Lewis suffered from anxiety/depression after his wife died. I would strongly recommend reading his take on it. He called it an affliction and said it is best to consider it one's part in the Passion of Christ as even Christ suffered anxiety in the garden just before His arrest.
A couple of words of advice. First, be glad you don't live in Texas. If you are on disability in this state based on a psychiatric/emotional basis, then you would be subjected to an endless prod/poke and provoke campaign designed to get you to lash out so that you would get a reputation for violent behavior. Always make sure you talk things through with someone to maintain the perception vs reality equilibrium.
Second. Go to the nearest Brookstone or order online one of their pen/cameras to record your interactions publicly. If you feel you are being targeted in any way, it helps to have proof. If it was just your perception, then it still helps to have someone view the footage to help you verify it as such. I was told to wear a camera at all times by an off-duty cop. He said wear it and use it.........he knew.