[__ Prayer __] so, I think I was a "weakling" until recently

[Christ_empowered]

This is a praise report. When I came to Christ, I don't think there was whole lot left to save. Brain damaged, gender-disordered, flamer with a shady past and no future...facing a felony. :-( That was 3 years ago.

Now, I have a misdemeanor w/ probation, I'm not a flamer, and I have some kind of future (I just don't know what it is yet). I think I had the weight of my own sins and what had been done to me (electroshock, for instance) written all over me. Too many drugs, etc. Now, I have a normal man face (I had girly features for a while there...at 28, I looked like an over the hill flamer), I'm physically healthy (I was sickly for most of my life, especially after the drugs and psychiatric "treatment"), I get along well with my (loving, long-suffering) parents, and I'm making progress towards finishing my degree, at long last.

What amazes me is what weaklings go through, by which I mean...what I went through, because I was a weakling. I would say its worse being male and a weakling, but I'm not sure. I think if I were female, I'd just be in the loverly state mental hospital, with no hope of escape or release :-( That's the south for ya.

I'm not Mr.Tough Guy by any means, but...I dunno...I'm actually growing up and now I have a normal, stable, masculine identity. That's basic for most dudes, but...its a huge step forward for me. Not that I was transsexual before, just...I dunno..."Flamer" is sort of its own gender, I think.

I'm still getting picked on. "Probation violation," "nothing special," "get ready for prison," "nobody gives a _____ about you," "f@ggots don't matter," etc. etc. etc. Ahhh, yes; the south. Sweet tea, biscuits, and blatant homophobia. Ain't nothin' like it...

Truth be told, in more "progressive" parts of the country, I'd have been in "special needs" classes and I'd probably be in an institution by now. I had probs from a young age. I guess in my part of The Bible Belt, they put up with you until a certain age, and then...off you go, or something like that.

I'm hoping and praying that one day, I"ll be able to take care of myself, support myself, etc. Basic stuff for most people, I think, but...a huge step forward for a lot of us, me in particular. There's far worse things than living comfortably with people who love you and getting a degree, of course. The real problem isn't my living situation; its the stigma and everything that comes from having been...well, who I was, until recently.

I always thought...now, I've been healed. No, really; now, I've been healed. What's interesting is how now that my people have forgiven me, they love me, and I get the sense I've been given everything I need for life and for godliness (which is to say...I've been made much more whole)...it happened, and I didn't really notice, lol. No Roma Downey, no Della Reese, no soulful choir; just prayers answered, quietly, in real time.

So, yeah. This is definitely a Praise Report. I praise God for getting me to believe upon Christ. That alone was a miracle. And I praise Christ for His mercy and goodness.

 

[AirDancer]

Amen, Christ_empowered ...amen!

 

[Angel]

God is definitely doing a work in you. For sure!
I see in you genuine repentance.

 

[Christ_empowered]

This "genuine repentance" thing isn't always easy, and it took a lot to get me here, lol. Godly sorrow worketh repentance I think is the verse I'm thinking of here...its good to see what I did wrong and what went wrong (in general) now that I'm safely on the right side of The Cross.

As for the whole "weakling" thing...I don't know what to make of all this. Weaklings get picked on, tormented, mistreated. Looking back, I think I had eating weirdness when I was growing because of all kindsa stuff going on around me. Malnutrition=weakling in the making, and nobody in the world cares, you know?

Now...I'm remarkably healthy, and healthy in a way and to an extent that I'm no longer a weakling. I am an outcast, so I'm expected to "know my place in society," blah blah blah...this is how many "mental patients," especially the "trouble makers," are treated. :-(

 

[wren51]

You are God's creation. You are loved by your Father in Heaven. Remember that when you are feeling down. Don't let the world get to you.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, wren. I think...I think being so low status got to me, and The Lord has done a real work in my life at all levels. Its like...well, I genuinely, truly do not matter to most people and the community I find myself in. I just...don't. People make comments about me when I'm getting gas, in the convenience store getting things, on the front porch...a couple times, the neighbors have even yelled loud, deliberately, loud enough for me to hear some pretty nasty things inside my parents' house. Keep in mind; this is a decent part of a small, southern town.

But, being low status has some perks, from a Christian perspective. I think you see what people are really like when you're low status...how they treat you, what they say to and about you, so on and so forth. Some of the "nicest" people are cruel as can be when you just don't matter to people. And...Jesus loves the pariah. Sometimes, I think part of the reason I'm now physically healthy, bright eyed, intelligent, etc. is because I've gone through all these years of being so low status. I was kind of...well, "they"---the experts---said I was narcissistic. I dunno. I constructed a fantasy land where I actually mattered, because I didn't matter to people...from a young age. I think that's the root of a lot of my "mental illness," that and medical torture and psychosocial stress.

But, yeah...when you realize how terrible even the "nicest" (non-Christian) human beings can be, and then how compassionate genuine Christians (even strangers) tend to be...it gets you to thinking....