[__ Prayer __] so...I'm still a pariah 'round here

[Christ_empowered]

Yup yup. I went to a convenience store today, and the dude in front of me was talking about how I'm queer. Lucky me. Yesterday, some dude made fun of me because I have pretty hair.

I'm finally growing up. I mean, I'm 31, so its about time...better late than never...and bullies are a part of life. I get that. I also get...or I'm starting to...that I have a terrible reputation in this (small, southern) area. There's all kinds of issues...I was considered "poor white trash," my people weren't "important enough" until very recently, I was homosexual, I had a pill addiction, I've now been labeled "schizophrenic," on and on it goes.

Ugh. I post on this a lot, I know. I don't think I can move. I'm on misdemeanor probation, which is apparently harder to transfer than felony probation (why, I don't know...I've just heard that). My people live here and take good care of me, so that's huge. Also, being on probation...I'm not real gung ho to move out someplace. One of my neighbors was yelling about calling the cops on me the other day :-(

I think The Lord has a plan for me and for this situation. I only got truly saved--Sinner's Prayer, tears, all that--a bit less than 3 years ago. the transformation has been...incredible. I mean, I don't live in a haze anymore, which is huge, and I'm a different, better person. Having said that...

...I messed up in my late teens, big time. I graduated early from HS, which was a very, very bad idea, and started college a bit early. I was precocious, but immature. I came home by 19, burned out, and I've only now recovered from...well, life, sins and all...and have recently been forgiven, both by God and my own earthly father, which is huge.

Ramble ramble...point is, it gets rough. I'm low status and I'm expected to "know my place," which apparently involves taking a lot of open disrespect. Turn the other cheeck, I know...could be much, much worse.

Just please pray that I can find a good church, a friend or two, and keep it together while I finish my degree and try to grow up so I can have a good life, on my own, eventually.

Thanks.

 

[reba]

Never mind the jabs satan throws at ya.. I know they hurt

Eph 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Eph 6:13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Eph 6:14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
Eph 6:15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
Eph 6:16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
Eph 6:17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
Eph 6:18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;
Eph 6:19 And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel,

 

[Eugene]

I continue in prayer for you CE in Jesus' name.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Thanks. I'm getting along well with my family, Praise God (!!!!), but...everybody else...not so much :-( . I am not a member of this community, and I don't think I ever will be, either.

I heard one set of neighbors talking...they said I "got a felony" and "have a public defender." I actually got a misdemeanor (a serious one, but still: not a felony) and my dad hired an attorney. I'm beginning to realize that nothing I say matters...

10 years ago, I was in the 1st mental hospital, and they broke me. I mean, I was dead eyed for several years. They also decided that I "needed to feel pain," so they put me through it after I'd been released. Their behavior was a lot of what led up to the second round of electroshock, at age 23.

Anyway...I'm saying that to say this: its beginning to dawn on me that miracles do happen, yes, but the world doesn't care. This town put me through it for a nice, long while, and they're perfectly happy to keep telling lies about me to fit their own narrative. I was supposed to be dead by 23. I mean, I really should have been dead at 23, I was so sickly and all, but...I'm 31, healthier than ever. Does the world care? NO!!!! If anything, my ongoing health and gradual recovery+transformation seem to really make people mad.

Jesus is with the least of these. I mean, He's with all of His children, yes, but it seems that "the least of these" have a special place in the Christian universe. That was me, until recently. Actually...I can't support myself, I get disability, and I'm low on the totem pole, so there's still an element of that to my situation. The difference now is that I'm making progress and I'm healthy and smart. Oh, and a completely different person...that helps, too.

I know I gotta get over it and keep moving forward, but its...wow...difficult. The world is a cruel, cruel place, and I'm blessed that Jesus saved me from it (in the world, but not of it).

Thanks, as always, for the prayers and encouragement and Scripture. Do you ever wake up and you find it hard to believe that you are a Christian? As in...me? Really? Since when?!?! I have days like that. Then I talk to people...like I did tonight, an old friend/acquaintance called...and I realize: yeah, I'm a Christian. I know I am because what she talked about doesn't appeal to me now, and its like...we're worlds apart now.

Random thoughts. Anyway, thanks again.

 

[AirDancer]

You remain in my prayers, Christ_empowered .

Please keep in mind that when people make derogatory comments about you, it means their lives are not going well and they're seeking to denigrate someone else in order to make them feel 'better' about their own lives.

 

[Angel]

This verse reminds me of you:

1 Timothy 6:12
Fight the good fight for the true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have declared so well before many witnesses.

I pray that tomorrow you will wake up with a cheerful heart, and God's presence. <3

 

[Corn Pop]

CE. Knowone said your queer and your hair looks pretty.

They said your fair, and your hair looks gritty.

 

[KevinK]

Well, you've got friends who care here, CE, I promise you. Who can not only sympathize, but empathize- I've also got a serious misdemeanor, though expunged it's still a harsh memory. Psych issues (from a TBI). Addicted to pain medications.

Also, I do sometimes feel "strange" for being a (born-again) Christian. When I was younger, it was all about me. Jesus showed me a better way, caring more about others, and caring about supporting God and his plans, not my own so much. It's a good strange.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Me again. Up at it early...couldn't sleep very well.

I gotta get over it, I know. I mean, The Lord has done so much...for me (!!!!), simply because I came to believe upon Him. And I'm just 1 person. The more testimonies I hear, the more I realize...each person's story is somewhat different, but there are recurrent themes to The Lord's work in our lives. I feel like I'm in good company when I hear or read other peoples' testimonies.

Anyway, nobody really liked me around here, anyway. I'm kinda worried with people telling everybody I have a felony, 'cause the last thing I need is for people to harass me, thinking I'm a felon (class a misdemeanor, thank you very much, lol). The only difference between me and someone w/ a felon is...the attorney my dad hired. That's the legal $ystem in America, lol.

I'm hoping and praying I'll get over it. I have been blessed so thoroughly. I can go to school and finally finish that degree (helps that I'm actually smart enough to do it...first time in over 10 years). I care about other people...for someone who was labeled as not only NPD, but **severely** NPD, that's huge. My parents and I are getting along well. My mom's out of town for the week, so its me and my dad, and we're getting only quite well...we get some time to ourselves, which is awesome.

I think I've gotten to the point where I can begin to really grasp Christian morality, and not through a "what kind of blessings are in it for me?" mentality. Of course, it helps that I've been blessed enough to reach that mindset. Its funny...in my Philosophy class (its required for everybody), we're reading a lot of CS Lewis. The 1st discussion board was about reason and faith, and Lewis' view of the two in the Christian life. Lewis writes that Christians reach a point at which we can't do what's expected of us, and we turn it over to The Lord. I read that and I was thinking "that's great...here's my paper....hope I get an A...," and now I think I've gotten there, only recently. Very recently, actually.

Ugh. clearly, I"m rambling. Its a bit before 5 AM here, lol. I'm running off a couple hours sleep and some strong coffee. I appreciate all the prayers and advice and Scripture.

Thanks again.