[__ Prayer __] speak all matter of evil against you falsley...

[Christ_empowered]

yup yup. me, yet again. I haven't done drugs in over 10 years. I'm now 34 years old. The shrinks and other "mental health professionals" destroyed me, and The Lord has blessed me, beyond measure. I've been genuinely, truly saved 5 1/2 years.

I like my new apartment. However, its a city in the same county as my small, southern hometown. I just overheard people laughing about my "Schizophrenia." Nothing personal, I guess...I'm expected to "know my place," etc., and if it wasn't for The Lord blessing me and also blessing my parents with higher status (cuz a lot of pyschiatry is really about social control...and its harder to control people from "well-to-do" families...), I"d be dead and in Hell. True story.

Even now, over 10 years since I've done -any- drugs, people say I'd "do anything for a prescription." Truth? I had slack shrinks and good insurance when I was younger, so I was prescribed pills (amphetamines and downers) that proved disastrous, then I was blamed for it...and they wanted -more- of my then "rinky dink middle class" (to quote a former counselor...) parents' money. ugh.

I dunno. I take an 'atypical' tranquilizer every day. I'm on disability. Thing is...

I wouldn't be on disability if my parents hadn't been blessed with higher status. They're not really big on "recovery" for people like me, definitely not people like who I was, before. And as for the tranquilizer...

I don't know. it helps me simmer down. But I don't know if "mental illness" is real, I mean...any of it. Tranquilizers help, but then there's also weight gain, diabetes, and the brain damage (facial tics...tardive dyskinesia...are the big problem) to contend with. I think...if these drugs were treating bona fide brain diseases, then shrinks would use -brain scans- to make diagnoses and guide treatment. I've had a brain scan, and the shrinks laughed about the shock treatment, brain damage, and operations. haha! we lobotomized you! yes, yes...quite funny. Ugh. :-(

Sorry to ramble. "Schizophrenia" is the most stigmatizing mental health label out there. My actual label is "Bipolar I," not that it really matters...I've been declared Schizophrenic in the community, and there's a lot more of them than there are of me. bleh.

I'm tempted to try to get in with a family doctor and just...quit it with the clinic. The jobs lady is nice enough, but I think--again-- a lot of that is because I have my "well-to-do" family behind me, and....mama's retired, dad's on his way out soon(ish). what then? Yeah, I don't wanna find out, LOL. Plus...they're talking about medication management, no counseling, and if I"m that stable or whatever...why not just go to the family doctor?

Through it all...God is good! I -do- pray for my enemies. I don't even get super angry when I hear it, more like...disillusioned, I guess. As in...this is what I was like, before Jesus...this is what most of humanity is really like, when you get down to it...

existing in darkness, spiritually dead. The shrinks were (are...) only part of the problem. To be "antipsychiatry" really means to be...anti-(a whole lotta what goes on in society, enforced by the shrinks).

I have enough $$$ to live OK. Jesus has saved, is saving, and I pray will save me. I've been washed and made clean. Oh, and I don't have AIDS or cancer or...well, the brain damage is an interesting question, because I"m now "extremely intelligent," however they figure that out. I was once brain damaged and maybe dull-normal, on a good day. So...

God is good! The world is rough, to put it mildly. I'm moving forward, as best I can, and Christ is kind to me, every single day. I hope and pray that maybe one day...I don't know...I can bring in some of my own income. That's the thing...I'm unemployed, so I'm "Schizophrenic." If I get a decent job maybe I"ll get upgraded to "bipolar I". If I can bring in money writing and such...well, then I'm thinking I could eventually go somewhere where I won't have a label stuck on me.

bleh. kind of ranting, reflecting, putting it all together. Thru it all...God is good! I wish Eugene would come back. I pray he and his wife are OK. "play the hand you're dealt."

 

[Tessa]

You are playing the hand you are dealt very well CE

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, Tessa.

God is good! I'm not one to go around talking too, too much about iQ and such, but...I'm doing better with my "high(er) IQ" than I ever did with the 95 or whatever I had after the 1st hospitalization destroyed me. true story. so...

usually, you pop lots of rx speed, downers, etc., you die at a young age and no one really cares, especially in America. factor in shock 'treatments,' legal woes, poverty, hiv/aids, cancer, and a botched lobotomy and...

yup. that was me, before Jesus saved me. ugh. now, it seems that everything is -still- somehow my fault. happens to low status people who 'don't know their place,' etc., and...in 21st century america...'mental patients' are maybe 1 or 2 steps above the slaves of yesteryear. im an exception to the rule...good apt., good health, freedom, safety...but i think the reaction i get from people (especially 'mental health professionals') kind of proves the rule.

so, God has seen fit to heal and transform someone the world rejected and destroyed (it wasn't just the shrinks, i see that now). and...

"God's work in this world is always met with opposition." From the time I genuinely believed upon Jesus, things heated up in my world. True story. I sometimes wonder if me being labeled "Schizophrenic" might be the only way for me to stay in the community w/o being attacked or targeted (again). Is it true? I dunno. I don't doubt that some people take tranquilizers, some people hear voices, but...

is all that an 'illness,' or just what one has to do in 21st century societies to stay normal-ish? i dunno. "play the hand you're dealt." I"m listening now, Eugene...

 

[Christ_empowered]

me, again. i pulled up, some lady with very orange hair was making comments about me. queer, blah blah blah. God's work in this world is always met with opposition, that much is clear.

i was talking to myself, kinda loud, this morning. i stopped myself and went out for a long drive. i hope nothing bad comes of it. my mind just gets revved up, especially when i wake up. i prayed forgiveness and for The Lord's protection. It certainly helps that now my "people have money" (its what the locals say...) and my criminal record seems to have miraculously been sealed or changed or...something. I don't think they'd rent this place to me if I had a Class A misdemeanor on there, only recently off probation...its just the way things are 'round here, especially with a tight rental market.

scapegoating still happens in modern america. God is good! I'm not miserable, I'm not an unrepentant wretch, and He's even added good things unto me during my walk with The Lord. I'm -far- from perfect, but...I Have things, now, that I don't think I ever had before, even before sin+satan+self+death+the world had a field day with me.

I just...I just want to be free from the past. Thanks to Christ, I am in a lot of ways...but people still call me a "junkie" and...blah blah blah. Truth be told...

in America, in particular, people who mess up like I Messed up don't get what I've been blessed with. The legal system doesn't allow it, the shrinks don't allow it, the community doesn't allow it. A lot of it was/is social class issues. Here where I Live (more so than many other areas, even in the US), one must either be well-to-do or (in my case...) have a "good family" behind you in order to have what I Have, now. I'm not trying to be snotty or too hard on southern culture, its just...what I see, now, from the comfort of an apt. my parents are paying for, with good health The Lord has blessed me with, with thoughts and understanding that I suspect might come from The Lord, Himself (maybe...I'm not talking about a booming voice from Heaven, I'm talking about a soften, quiet way of opening my eyes to the world around me, and to Christ's goodness).

My parents got raises and promotions while I was in another state. Now, even when dad's retired, they'll probably be "well-to-do," with pensions, social security, personal investments, and (I suspect...) some inheritance money, too. So....

God is good! I think of Verna's grand daughter, trapped in unrepentant darkness...what of her? or any number of other "losers" and "rejects," probably more so in the US than in many other 21st century nations. People like who I was get locked up in prison, in and out of jail, maybe an existence of grinding poverty, no escape, controlled by mental health people and...

yeah. as I've written before, I'm beginning to think The Lord has made me an exception that proves the rule. no felonies, no prison time, possibly no readily accessible record, period...good health, "High(er) IQ," no forced psych 'treatment,' I'm even a decent height now and more aesthetically pleasing...

"eyes on Christ, and Him Crucified." I"m getting there...