[__ Prayer __] this town is lame

[Christ_empowered]

"He ain't been the same since the light went out of his eyes..."; "Dr.(XYZ) says he's a good lil sissy," on and on it goes. I just went to the local QT. I used my debit card. I checked the balance before I went and...it wouldn't let me pump. "See cashier". This at the same gas station where some random employee called me "big boy." Good times.

To be fair, I was dead eyed for a while there. A light came back in my eyes about 7 years ago, and now I have bright, even sparkly eyes. Most people take that for granted. Having been a dead eyed burn out with too much electroshock, I don't take that for granted, not now.

People around here have some kind of a problem with me. I don't get it, in large part because I've just now been blessed with full on recovery from...everything, it seems. I'm bright eyed, I'm smart, I'm healthy, I can remember people and places and master new material, I even write well. God is good!

What's odd...when I was a dead eyed, electroshocked, burned out semi-vegetable who really --should-- have been in a hospital, people said I was "just a loser." Now, I'm healthy, bright eyed, all that good stuff, and they say "he belongs in the state mental hospital."

Thing is...its America. Like any other country, you have your good aspects of the culture, and your not so good aspects of the culture. If you mess up, especially if you're male and you come from a middle class (or lower) family, that's it. Boom! Sorry. Better luck next time.

That's how it was for me, anyway. Now, I'm healthy and I've been blessed all over and...my people are now on the more comfortable end of the middle class and...well, now they call me Schizophrenic. And some places won't let me pump gas even tho I have the $$$ (this isn't the 1st time this has happened...just the 1st time at this QT...).

Ugh. Part of the problem is me, me holding onto worldly thinking and absorbing too much of what people say about me. yes, I was dead eyed. In the world, there's no coming back from that, it seems. Now, I'm bright eyed...but people always say "they took something from him," on and on it goes. Special. Super, super special.

Thing is...God didn't save me to be 1/2 a man. In the world, victims of psychiatry are a dime a dozen. In Christ...well, my IQ is apparently up, I'm doing well in school, I'm physically healthy, and...and...and...

Please pray. Its not all about me, I know, but...wow. Just a bit before 4 AM and I can't even get gas with my own money because I'm the pariah round here, and I have no where else to go. I'm bright eyed, healthy, smart, normal...and I'm ostracized.

I mean, I'm 32. I should be mature enough to handle this. I was a semi-vegetable until fairly recently, so...that's part of it. Part of it is also just...I needed gas! LOL.

I do internalize, or at least mull over, way too much of what I hear and have heard. Please pray that I brush it off and listen to Christ, not these people around me. Thanks.

 

[Christ_empowered]

--sigh--

My problems are miniscule compared to a lot of peoples' problems. My problems are miniscule compared to what --could-- be happening, right now (abject poverty w/no escape, homeless, skid row, jail, prison, Hell...). I should probably take those lil Rx sleepy time pillz instead of just...staying up and marinating in craziness. --sigh--

I went to the atm, got cash, paid for gas. The clerk was nice enough. I do have to pay ATM fees, which is lame, but...well, at least I got out some cash for the week. Easier to budget "real" money than plastic loaded with 0s and 1s that somehow=money.

My parents and I are on for vacation tomorrow (!!!). And mama got me a new pair of shoes. I know, I'm 15, lol. I like the shoes...apparently, this is what the cool kids in the northwest wear.

I have --so-- much to be thankful for. I'm alive, healthy, smart enough for my goals. Beyond having the raw capacity to do school stuff, I feel...well, 3-Dimensional. Ever read The Great Divorce? The people from Hell can't stand Heaven because it hurts, at first...even the grass. Everything is Real in Heaven the way things aren't Real anywhere else. And...

...so, I think part of being a Christian...for me at least...has been becoming real. 3-Dimensional. Flaws, foibles, sins, sin patterns, skills, abilities, a unique way of being, a bit of character (never hurt anybody, amiright?). Another CS Lewis-ism...I read somewhere that he wrote something to the effect that sinners are alike, but Christians are unique as snowflakes. I guess that goes along with dying to self daily and becoming more and more who you really are in Christ Jesus, as opposed to the world's "listen to your heart," "follow your bliss," Deepak Chopra, kundalini yoga, drum circles, Jungian analysis, etc. etc. etc.

--sigh-- So, I realize now that Verna...the older, wiser, recently widowed Christian lady I've met in person once and now can't stop pestering via telephone...is 3D. I don't like her politics (this Christian ain't ever votin' GOP!), but...I thought about it...for a 70sumthin year old white lady who was raised in Southern GA to stay with an elderly black lady while the black lady was dying of cancer...no compen$ation, no nothin'...and she's going to the funeral...well...

She's not always politically correct, and we're all affected by our upbringing, social class, blah blah blah, but...she's solid. 3D. Geniune, authentic, all that stuff that I wanted and chased after (in vain...) in the world...she's got it. Has had it her whole life. And before Jesus saved me, wretched as I was, I would have been fool enough to think that she was beneath me, not authentic, blah blah blah...while the "progressive" and "tolerant" cool kids laughed on about destroying me.

Rambling. Insomnia is bad, but coffee is delicious, especially when its Dunkin Donuts.

Thanks for reading, replying, praying for me, etc. etc. etc.

 

[Angel]

"He ain't been the same since the light went out of his eyes..."; "Dr.(XYZ) says he's a good lil sissy," on and on it goes. I just went to the local QT. I used my debit card. I checked the balance before I went and...it wouldn't let me pump. "See cashier". This at the same gas station where some random employee called me "big boy." Good times.

To be fair, I was dead eyed for a while there. A light came back in my eyes about 7 years ago, and now I have bright, even sparkly eyes. Most people take that for granted. Having been a dead eyed burn out with too much electroshock, I don't take that for granted, not now.

People around here have some kind of a problem with me. I don't get it, in large part because I've just now been blessed with full on recovery from...everything, it seems. I'm bright eyed, I'm smart, I'm healthy, I can remember people and places and master new material, I even write well. God is good!

What's odd...when I was a dead eyed, electroshocked, burned out semi-vegetable who really --should-- have been in a hospital, people said I was "just a loser." Now, I'm healthy, bright eyed, all that good stuff, and they say "he belongs in the state mental hospital."

Thing is...its America. Like any other country, you have your good aspects of the culture, and your not so good aspects of the culture. If you mess up, especially if you're male and you come from a middle class (or lower) family, that's it. Boom! Sorry. Better luck next time.

That's how it was for me, anyway. Now, I'm healthy and I've been blessed all over and...my people are now on the more comfortable end of the middle class and...well, now they call me Schizophrenic. And some places won't let me pump gas even tho I have the $$$ (this isn't the 1st time this has happened...just the 1st time at this QT...).

Ugh. Part of the problem is me, me holding onto worldly thinking and absorbing too much of what people say about me. yes, I was dead eyed. In the world, there's no coming back from that, it seems. Now, I'm bright eyed...but people always say "they took something from him," on and on it goes. Special. Super, super special.

Thing is...God didn't save me to be 1/2 a man. In the world, victims of psychiatry are a dime a dozen. In Christ...well, my IQ is apparently up, I'm doing well in school, I'm physically healthy, and...and...and...

Please pray. Its not all about me, I know, but...wow. Just a bit before 4 AM and I can't even get gas with my own money because I'm the pariah round here, and I have no where else to go. I'm bright eyed, healthy, smart, normal...and I'm ostracized.

I mean, I'm 32. I should be mature enough to handle this. I was a semi-vegetable until fairly recently, so...that's part of it. Part of it is also just...I needed gas! LOL.

I do internalize, or at least mull over, way too much of what I hear and have heard. Please pray that I brush it off and listen to Christ, not these people around me. Thanks.

Do you have other places you can go get gas?

 

[Angel]

Hey CE I'm just wondering, are you black? If so do you think that's one of the reasons people make it so hard for you? I think what Verna's doing to help her dying friend is amazing.

I'm happy to hear that you are going on vacation with your parents after all! And new shoes is always fun! Will you be online while you're on vacation?

 

[Christ_empowered]

hey, angel. No, I'm the whitest white dude around, lol. The new shoes are fun already.

I'm doing a lot better now. I don't need to go there to get gas, anyway. This town is...creepy...when it comes to me. The last time I went into the local BiLo, these 2 younger women (early 20s) seemed to be following me. I got into the express lane cuz I had 2 items, and they followed me there, and the blonde one said "yeah, everybody knows..."

--sigh-- small, southern towns. could be a lot worse. at least I have my people...and Jesus...

 

[Angel]

What happened with the blondes sounds like it stemmed from your illness, to be honest. The "everybody knows" remark sounds like a misinterpretation of maybe what they really said. That's how I see it. That doesn't mean it didn't happen though- I could be wrong. And regardless of what I say, it did really happen to you, if that is your state of mind. It feels real- trust me I know.

Im saying this because I have a problem associating things and making it all about myself. For instance, I was at the Olive Garden with family and I walked past this waiter and he said on the phone "4 days, 4 nights" to someone and I assumed that in four days and nights I was going to be murdered. I have to tell myself that the world doesn't revolve around me and people aren't all out to make me miserable.