Very Unhappy Newlywed

[losingsanity7]

Hello. I came to this site hoping and praying to receive Christian advice on a troubled marriage. I have tried googling "immature husband", "unhappy marriage", etc. I just cannot do that anymore. The result I see is leave him, do better, etc... We were together 2.5 years before we got married six months ago. Ever since that day, it has gone downhill. Way downhill. We have argued over things such as money, communicating, church, chores, affection, & intimacy. All of these things were definitely discussed in premarital counseling so it's not like anything is new. I try applying what I have learned and try following God's word. It is hard for me not to argue, yell, and feel exhausted when I tell my husband we need to pray together like he said that's what he wanted and read the bible together. We agreed on days to study the Word together and pray often, but faith without works is dead when it comes to him. So how do I know he was actually ready to take on marriage? He is not not keeping his word on that and it bothers me. Another thing is that lately, after gatherings with friends, family, and even on facebook, I am being told he seems to be more bashing towards me when in public and it seems like he tries to put me out there thru joking, but no one finds it funny. I have also noticed it myself and I tokd him, if you want to be the clown, please dont use me as the laughing stock because it is not cute & the majority do not find it funny. Then he says my family is just judging him and always so critical. The only thing they are critical about is his obnoxious and arrogant behavior when around them. They still respect him, but doesnt feel that he respects me. He is 32 & I am 27. I am further in my walk with Christ and I have come along way. However, its like when things improve and it seems like I am caught in a web that I cant get out of. The arguments have made me resent him and pushes me away. When he went away for a training one weekend, I was happy to be alone and have some peace and sadly, I did not miss him. When he came home and said he missed me, I did not feel the same way. He is very disrespectful towards me and very childish. When I told him that I was offended of a comment he made to my brother saying, " pray for me. U know what i have to live with" that was hurtful and while my brother is in college, he doesnt get to interact with my husband and this is the only thing he hears. Its like he is not happy with me. I am ready to get out of this marriage, but God doesnt like divorce. I would love to heal and maybe years from now fall in love with someone that really deserves me. In only six months, I have dealtg with selfish behavior, confrontation attitude, never tries to solve the issu, always ready to combat and say cruel things. It is very discouraging and I am praying for God to reveal the best option for me. We had issues prior to getting married, however through prayer, counseling, and determination we got through it. So all the pain now? The firat argument started over money he spent on our honeymoon and complained about that. We had to sue the limo company for their terrible service and won, but then he told me because he soent the most on the wedding and filed for the lawsuit that he doesnt see wgy I should get anything. But we both went to court and gave our testimony! We were both awarded. We got past that when I have to remind him that he was married or I was leaving.
I know it all seems immature and petty, but I signed up to give 100% and expected the same from him. It is despicable and I am wondering what award in hell did I win? He says things to me like, " i love you, but i dont like you." We are not in a good marriage, in fact its so unhealthy. I sure hope someone is able to help me, Lord knows I have tried. I know this is long, sorry. My heart is heavy. God bless

 

[Knotical]

Something that you haven't touched on that I am just assuming here is that there does not seem to be any kind of influence, positive or otherwise, coming from his family. What kind of marriage does his parents have, and have they confronted him, at all, about his behavior.

Also, it may be appropriate for an elder or your pastor to talk to him about this situation, whether it be one on one, or with both of you in the room.

 

[By Grace]

Your post reeks of hostility directed by hubby to you. Significant loved ones noticed this, and so did you, so you are not imagining it.

One tool of the hostility is money. Another tool is sex, which you mentioned. Combined, those issues are power/domination issues through which you can be victimized further, even to the point of abuse. Does he blame you for his actions by saying "See what you made me do!"? It does not have to be physical to be abuse, but such things are often precursors to physical abuse. Therefore it is not wrong to say that you are in a POTENTIALLY violent situation, should things escalate.

The fact that he wants to involve help from another male confirms the fact that it is he who is breaking the marriage covenant, not you. "So how do I know he was actually ready to take on marriage? He is not not keeping his word on that and it bothers me makes it appear that he is having sexual relations with other women, so he does not have time or energy for you. If that is so, that is good. It keeps you from getting AIDS.

Having begun your relationship in cohabitation does not mean that it is too late to repent for that, and get close to God during your present tribulation.. He knows all your circumstances, and is willing to forgive... if you confess your sins.

While it is true that God hates divorce, He does not hate divorced people. there is a huge difference in the two. Divorce is permitted because humans sin, and make mistakes. Often it is looked at as a second chance because one or both people in the marriage sin but I am advocating it at present because I do not know the entire situation that you face. Are there children involved?

You do need BIBLE-BASED counsel Is there a trusted pastor who can talk to you? Is there a Christian Counseling Center nearby? Whatever the case in your marriage, you need to draw close to God first. That will give you the strength to accept and endure and react in a clear manner to whatever happens next. That will not help hubby, you are the only one in the marriage seeking help here. He may respond to your your changes if you stay, but his actions are his choice alone.

Until you make any decisions in any direction, I urge you to make a journal. By reading it later on, it will help you to make clear decisions, based on your circumstances, and not on whimsy.

Hope that gives you some idea as the best way to proceed.

 

[loopy]

greetings losingsanity7,

this is losingsanity6. not really. but i can completely identify with your situation. to get personal, as you already have, i am taking it a step deeper. i am in a similar marriage, only we are older. my husband also uses me as the joke, and it is not funny. this past summer, i called him on it. he did not see it. i pointed out that he NEVER praises me in public. he builds himself up to look like he has a heavy load by being married to me.

like yourself, my primary language of love is quality time, and for me this is done with prayer. backing up, if you have never read the five languages of love, i recommend it. can't remember the author. if you have read it, then you will know what i mean. my husband, of course, likes physical touch. in this vicious cycle, neither of us have full love tanks.

aside from that, from recent challenges in our lives, he settles himself down with beer. nearly six years ago, when confronted, he only drank more. he has many strongholds. i cannot break them. like your husband, he will not change from prompting, persuading, pleeding. only praying. i tell you truly, when the contentious spirit rises, you must speak under your breath for the Lord to rebuke the spirit.

what is probably stemming the problem is that you are excellent. he thinks you are better than him, and he doesn't deserve you. this is actually quite common with confident women. there are plenty of articles online to confirm this.

marriage should be fourfold. i am going to shamelessly plug a book i wrote, and if you check it out on my website, i will send you a free copy of the chapter i wrote on marriage to help you along. it is too complicated to define all in this space. but don't give up on him yet....this is the part of the marriage that will sanctify you....i can explain more later...

blessings to. i want to rename you...gainingbackmysanity7. Jesus never asked for you to be free from this world. He did ask God to make you one with Him. this is the course you are on. you are blessed!

loopy

ps-here is the link to my book. if it interests you, let me know....the book is what every woman should know

 

[Knotical]

Really, the only way men like this will change is if someone who they look up to (respect) confronts them on it. This kind of confrontation holds more weight coming from a peer, or a person of authority to them, than from someone they are already at odds with (to put it mildly).

In my opinion it is ultimately unfair to force a man's wife into these kinds of situations because the man is too selfish/stubborn/prideful to see it, change, and be the man God called them to be.

I will be praying for both of your marriages.

 

[Mike]

I'm going to take a different view than what I've heard so far, but to start out, I'm very sorry that you find yourself in an unhappy place. Marriage can be a difficult adjustment. I wouldn't want to repeat the first year of my marriage that's now over 20 years, because it was trying to say the least. I had a lot of growing up to do.

It's not in any way that I don't believe you're seeing what you say you are, but we have one side of the story. I've listened to friends make a most compelling case that someone else was clearly in the wrong, and it wasn't until I heard things from the other person's perspective that I saw my friend's part in the problem. If your husband had joined and gave his side, we might have a whole thread forming an opinion about you based on what he said. Would that be fair? So, I have to temper what you've said.

Here's what I didn't hear. I've asked him to try counseling. I've tried talking to a pastor or someone in our church with him. I have to be honest. I'm not hearing someone who's committed to seeing this through and trying everything possible. Six months is not long. He's around 30 and he may need to work through an adjustment to the roughly 30 years before you were married.

I didn't hear he is unfaithful. I didn't hear he gets loud or physically abusive or that he frightens you. His comment to your brother could have been something a million other husbands would say to his wife's brother just as a way of light hearted humor to form a relationship with him. I don't know, because I wasn't there, and I couldn't hear his tone. I don't want to qualify your urge to put an end to your marriage based on one post. I could be giving tragically bad advice. Here is my advice. Get solid Christian counseling with him if he is willing. Find a mediator who respects God's institution of marriage and can work through both of your perceptions. Pray for him, and pray that God shows both of you how to make this work. Take my very uninformed advice or not, but my heart goes out to you.

 

[WinterRose]

I have been married for 34 1/2 years and sure we have seen our UP's & DOWN's over that time but who doesn't have problems. I am sure that my parents who have been married almost 60 years next year have seen there share of rough times and the same for my IN LAWS ... so I want to tell you what I have told each of the couples that we have watched get married in our church and I have even told this to my oldest son ... Never Go To Bed Angry and always ... tell them I LOVE YOU before you go to bed and in the morning too as you never know when it will be your last time together as something could happen during the night ... or on the way to work or coming home too ... I make it a point to try and call my hubby at least 1 time during the day at work ... and tell him I LOVE YOU ... sure he cannot tell me right then but he will tell me when he get's home !!

We also try and get away from work, computers, telephones and just get away from it all in the spring and the fall of each year to revive our love for each other ... during this time we go out to each & the movies ... come back to the room and relax either by sitting in the Jacuzzi in our room or the one in the motel or where ever we are staying just to sit down and unwind for the day. The weekends are filled with lots of walking and seeing NATURE ... and we enjoy that time we can have together ... this next year 2013 it will be 35 years since I said I DO to this man and he has something special planned for us &
yes I do know what and where we are going too and he is letting me pick out the room that I want to stay in ... here below is the web site ... take a look at these rooms !!

VERSAILLES INN { click on the link }

So ... with all that shared I want to say that I am praying for you ...

 

[joep222]

1 Peter 3:1-7 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, (2) when they see your respectful and pure conduct. (3) Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— (4) but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. (5) For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, (6) as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. (7) Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

 

[Stormcrow]

Get solid Christian counseling with him if he is willing. Find a mediator who respects God's institution of marriage and can work through both of your perceptions. Pray for him, and pray that God shows both of you how to make this work. Take my very uninformed advice or not, but my heart goes out to you.

Ditto what he said.

I've been married almost 30 years, much of it rocky. We've been through counseling but one thing I can tell you is this: counseling will do no good if both parties are not committed to make the changes necessary to save the marriage. Counseling is a "megaphone" where both of you get to hear what the other really thinks about them. You will hear things you never knew about yourself because your shortcomings will be seen through someone else's eyes. The same will be true of him. A good counselor can drag all this out in the open and help you both see yourselves the way you see each other.

It will hurt, but there is a pain that leads to healing and a pain that leads to despair. You're experiencing the latter now. It's probably time you both tried the other.

Prayers offered on your behalf. Keep us posted.

 

[President]

Losing sanity,

I think you have a lot of power to improve your marriage, a power that you have not fully tapped. I believe that you could have a much more peaceful fulfilling marriage if you follow something in the word of God. You can't control your husband, but you can have a lot of control over yourself, and you can make a lot of changes in your own marriage by the way you act and react to your husband, changes that could bring both of you a lot of peace.

I have a friend who likes to quote where it says in Romans that we are more than conquerors. He says a conqueror wins by killing, but someone who is more than a conqueror wins by dying. Christ won by dying, and as Christians, if we want to overcome, we have to die to self.

Your husband agreed to a certain schedule of praying with you. I can understand if it bothers you that he does not stay true to that. You might even find it difficult to respect him after that. If you think he is sinning, look a few posts before this and read I Peter 3. What does Peter say to do if a Christian woman has a husband who does not obey the word? She is to submit to him and win him through her lifestyle. If your husband makes mistakes, the solution of scripture is to submit to him, so that, without words, through your holy lifestyle, you might win him. That's pretty hopeful language, and there aren't any verses that are that promising about husbands winning wives, IMO. Paul suggests either way might be possible for a Christian with an unbelieving husband or wife, but Peter's words seem to offer a bit more hope than Paul's in my opinion.

What does I Peter tell you to do? It tells you to submit to your husband, have a chaste lifestyle, have the adornment of a meek and quiet spirit, and obey your husband. Paul, two times addresses wives and tells them to submit to their husbands. There are five verses in all from Paul that have to do with women or wives submitting. He tells older women to teach younger women to love their husbands, to be diligent around the home, and to submit to their husbands. Paul also teaches wives, in Ephesians 5, to reverence their husbands. One verse says for wives to submit to their husbands 'in everything.'

So my question to you is this-- how might your marriage be improved if you were more submissive, obedient (as per the example of Sarah in I Peter 3), and respectful to your husband? Let's think about what you said. You said you argued with your husband.

In Ephesians 5, Paul said to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. He then clarifies who is to submit to whom: wives submit to husbands, slaves to masters, and children obey your parents. Let's consider the parent-child relationship. Is it appropriate for a child to yell at his parents or scold them for being bad parents? Of course not. What about the slave-master relationship? Should the slave yell at or scold the master for being a bad master? No, of course not, but that is an example far removed from our culture. But many of us do work as 'hired servants'-- i.e. employees.

If you worked at a company, would you scold your boss or yell at him for being a bad boss? Maybe in some case, a boss might scold an employee, but this is a one-way thing because the boss is in authority. If you wish to address a problem with your boss, you do it in a respectful manner. It is unseemly to yell at your boss, and may get you fired. With your adult parents, you shouldn't yell at them. You should treat them with respect. Small children shouldn't yell at their parents or scold them. Paul told Timothy not to rebuke an older man, but to entreat him as a father. You don't rebuke your father, you entreat him. Some people yell at their parents now. Those are the type of people who might have faced the death penalty in the Old Testament. Just because people do it and wicked Hollywood movies portray it as normal doesn't make it right.

If you worked for a company where the CEO was a Christian, you wouldn't march past the secretary and plop down in his chair right in front of him and say, "the Bible says there is no slave nor free, so there is no master or employee, so you can't tell me what to do, and I don't have to treat you with respect."

Even if we live in a rebellious culture, we seem to be able to wrap our minds around respecting and submitting to bosses and parents. But God also wants you to respect and submit to your husband. If you shouldn't yell at your dad or your boss, you shouldn't be yelling at your husband. He is your head, and by showing respect to him, you show respect to Christ. If you dishonor him, yell at him, won't accept his decisions, etc., then what kind of attitude are you showing toward Christ?

Your husband may be very flawed. He could even say bad things about you, make bad decisions, and even sin against the Lord in some area. If any brother sins, you can meekly point it out to help that brother to restoration, even if it's your husband. But the Bible still tells you to submit to your husband.

The firat argument started over money he spent on our honeymoon and complained about that. We had to sue the limo company for their terrible service and won, but then he told me because he soent the most on the wedding and filed for the lawsuit that he doesnt see wgy I should get anything. But we both went to court and gave our testimony! We were both awarded. We got past that when I have to remind him that he was married or I was leaving.

About the money, I don't get how some married couples handle money. I have a joint bank account with my wife. Right now, I just handle all the finances. She'll tell me if she needs to buy something out of the ordinary. But our finances are kind of simple right now in some ways, and in the past, she paid the bills when that was more convenient for our marriage. We have our money together. Do you have separate bank accounts and separate money? Other than pocket money, if you are married, why do you have separate accounts?

Who is the head in your marriage, you or him? If you are supposed to submit to your husband 'in everything' doesn't that include the money? IMO, in most marriages, it makes sense to have both parties involved especially if both have some wisdom to contribute. But ultimately, the husband is the head in the marriage, and you should submit to him, even in the area of finances.

So what if he goes and spends all the money on the newest X Box games? That's a time where you can tell him how you feel in a way that characterizes the 'meek and quiet spirit', not in a loud angry way. But that is when you pray, because he is responsible to God for how he deals with his family, and the Lord can correct him. If you are submissive, you also don't keep nagging at him if he makes a decision you don't like, btw.

I know some of the things he says about you are hurtful. Maybe he shouldn't say them. But have you stopped to think that there may be some truth to his humor-- at least from his perspective. From your message, it sounds like you are upset at him and you argue a lot. If he goes home to face a wife who finds fault with him and argues with him, he may feel like he is putting up with a lot. Then he makes comments like this to your brother, for example, and faces more arguing from you at home. If this is the case, you are in a cycle. You need to do what you can to break the cycle. You can do this by remembering 'a soft answer turns away wrath.' Never scold your husband. If something bothers you, tell him gently. You can also tell him you shouldn't have yelled at him about the money, that you will submit to him on financial and other decisions and that you want to respect him more and follow the teachings of the Bible for wives. You can ask him to be a good head in the marriage for you and to lead you spiritually.

About Bible study, at the times he agreed you could do something like this, gently remind him of his commitment without yelling or fighting, and just let him know you will be in the living room or wherever studying the Bible during that time, waiting for him to come share the word of God with you. Then go, and if he joins, that's great. If not, study and pray alone.

 

[President]

I am ready to get out of this marriage, but God doesnt like divorce. I would love to heal and maybe years from now fall in love with someone that really deserves me.

The Bible actually says, "God hates divorce."

I have a question. Are you going to love this man you plan to have as your second husband? If you love him, why would you want to make him an adulterer by marrying him?

Matthew 5
<sup class="versenum">31 </sup>It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
<sup class="versenum">32 </sup>But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.


If millions and millions of Christians totally disregard the teaching of scripture on divorce and remarriage, that doesn't make the teaching any less true.



I Corinthians 7
<sup class="versenum">10 </sup>And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
<sup class="versenum">11 </sup>But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

I don't see how you have any right to leave your husband. I don't see how you would have any right to remarry.

You say your husband said he loves you but he doesn't like you, and that these words hurt you. I'm not going to argue that that is a good way for a man to communicate with his wife, but I do think you should consider his words. Instead of wanting to leave him, maybe you should ask yourself or him why he doesn't like you. Could it be that he doesn't like that you are so uncommitted to marriage that you start talking divorce 6 months into the marriage? Could it be because you yell at him instead of showing him the respect due a husband according to scripture? Could it be because you do not respect his headship in making financial decisions about the court case? Are you quarrelsome? Could it be because he picks up on the fact that you think he doesn't deserve you, and this shows up in the way you talk to him?

fall in love with someone that really deserves me.

Jesus told this parable recorded in Luke 17.

<sup class="versenum">7 </sup>And which of you, having a servant plowing or tending sheep, will say to him when he has come in from the field, ‘Come at once and sit down to eat’? <sup class="versenum">8 </sup>But will he not rather say to him, ‘Prepare something for my supper, and gird yourself and serve me till I have eaten and drunk, and afterward you will eat and drink’? <sup class="versenum">9 </sup>Does he thank that servant because he did the things that were commanded him? I think not.<sup class="versenum">10 </sup>So likewise you, when you have done all those things which you are commanded, say, ‘We are unprofitable servants. We have done what was our duty to do.’
(NKJV)

If you are the Lord's servant, you should not have an entitlement mentality. You seem to think that you deserve a better husband. But as a believer, your attitude should be one of an unprofitable servant who has only done what it was her duty to do.

Biblically, it is your duty to be a help meet to your husband. It is your job to do him good all the days of his life. Leaving him after six months isn't fulfilling either responsibility. What makes you think you deserve a better husband than the one you have?

 

[President]

One tool of the hostility is money. Another tool is sex, which you mentioned. Combined, those issues are power/domination issues through which you can be victimized further, even to the point of abuse. Does he blame you for his actions by saying "See what you made me do!"? It does not have to be physical to be abuse, but such things are often precursors to physical abuse. Therefore it is not wrong to say that you are in a POTENTIALLY violent situation, should things escalate.

I didn't see anything in her post that would indicate that she is in a potentially violent situation. The things she describes sound like the way a lot of men might react if they are in a relationship where things feel like they have gone sour, where they bicker all the time, men who do not fit the pattern of abusers. Why didn't you ask her questions to screen her for being an abuser?

My concern is this. Someone posts on here about not getting along with her husband and lists a bunch of grievances, none of which have anything to do with Biblical grounds for divorce. She's thinking of divorce. Another poster responds along these lines, "Watch out, you might be getting verbally abused. You might be in a potentially dangerous situation if you stay with that guy." Then the original poster could say, "Yeah, that's the ticket. Verbal abuse. I'm being abused. I'll go tell the pastor I'm being abused and then see if I am allowed to divorce my husband and marry another. I don't like those verses that teach this would be adultery."

Wouldn't it make more sense to ask her some specific questions before throwing out the idea that she might be abused, and giving posters excuses to divorce and wreck their own lives?

Remainder of post deleted by staff.

 

[President]

The models they use for describing a pattern of abuse are complicated and can contain dozens of behaviors. Many of these behaviors are things that regular people do when they get in arguments. Some of the models can sound somewhat hostile to Christianity (listing quoting scripture as an abusive behavior.) Some things in these lists are normal things that a reasonable person might do when not being abusive (e.g. 'using logic.')
<snip><snip>

Matthew 19: 7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?
8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so
​

Notice the past tense. Moses suffered--past tense. Then Christ made his decree based on the original intent for marriage as seen in Genesis. Let's read the verse that follows:
</snip></snip>
<snip><snip>9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

This was Christ's decree, based on the original intention of marriage. Notice, no exceptions for the husband making the decisions of what to do with the limo money, or for making wise cracks about you around your family.

Making wise cracks about one's wife may be a foolish, hurtful, even sinful thing to do, but it doesn't give a woman a right to divorce her husband.

</snip></snip>

 

[Mike]

In her OP, the author is requesting advice and help. This is not a "topical" discussion created to provoke discussion and debate. Responses in this thread should be directed toward the OP and not serve to debate among each other. It does no good for someone requesting advice or help when arguments ensue. I suggest creating another thread to discuss points of disagreement if you wish to pursue them further.

DO NOT ever insult one another anywhere on the board. Avoid personal remarks and focus on the response as opposed to the person giving it. I will be editing some posts that I feel cross this line.

Thank you.

 

[Pizzaguy]

You draw a picture of a person who changed after marriage. I find this very disturbing, and, in fact, lived thru the same thing when I married in 2010.

MANY of the very issues you mention here were issues with my wife. I tried EVERYTHING I could to get thru to her, but nothing worked. I TRIED and TRIED to get her into counseling, as I loved her and wanted the marriage to work. But she flatly refused counseling.

So, I moved out. In 3 days, we were in counseling! ;)

But, this did not work - after 45 minutes, she stormed out and left. The counselor, a wonderful Christian lady in her 50's, was greatly saddened and told me that I obviously was at a place in life where I was ready for a relationship, ready for compromise, ready to "overlook a lot of small stuff", - all the ingredients for a good marriage. But she explained that I married someone who was NOT ready for all of that. I had married someone who did not want to be alone, but who was not interested in marriage itself.

God hates divorce. But He also hates abortion - and we have millions of abortions going on each year - and millions of Christians are telling "abortive mothers" that they can be forgiven for killing their own baby. Enough said....

My advice: Raise the stakes and leave him. Go to a shelter or a friend (not sure going to a family member is a good idea - it becomes polarizing). See if he loves you and cares about you - if he does, he'll agree to counseling. If he doesn't, your marriage is a joke to him. Don't blame yourself at that point.

There is much more I COULD say, but by doing what I recommend, we get a counselor involved - a disinterested third party who can sort things out without snide remarks, judging, etc. I believe this is your only hope.

Could I be wrong? Sure. But this all sounds so familiar to me. I strongly suspect your marriage stands a much better chance than mine did.

Remember, we can pray for help, and we should. But God isn't here, we are (see my sigline). Pray - then DO something. "The end of a matter is better than it's beginning..." You are in the beginning, let's move this thing towards it's end (and that end may be years away.)

 

[DRA]

I'm going to take a different view than what I've heard so far, but to start out, I'm very sorry that you find yourself in an unhappy place. Marriage can be a difficult adjustment. I wouldn't want to repeat the first year of my marriage that's now over 20 years, because it was trying to say the least. I had a lot of growing up to do.

It's not in any way that I don't believe you're seeing what you say you are, but we have one side of the story. I've listened to friends make a most compelling case that someone else was clearly in the wrong, and it wasn't until I heard things from the other person's perspective that I saw my friend's part in the problem. If your husband had joined and gave his side, we might have a whole thread forming an opinion about you based on what he said. Would that be fair? So, I have to temper what you've said.

Here's what I didn't hear. I've asked him to try counseling. I've tried talking to a pastor or someone in our church with him. I have to be honest. I'm not hearing someone who's committed to seeing this through and trying everything possible. Six months is not long. He's around 30 and he may need to work through an adjustment to the roughly 30 years before you were married.

I didn't hear he is unfaithful. I didn't hear he gets loud or physically abusive or that he frightens you. His comment to your brother could have been something a million other husbands would say to his wife's brother just as a way of light hearted humor to form a relationship with him. I don't know, because I wasn't there, and I couldn't hear his tone. I don't want to qualify your urge to put an end to your marriage based on one post. I could be giving tragically bad advice. Here is my advice. Get solid Christian counseling with him if he is willing. Find a mediator who respects God's institution of marriage and can work through both of your perceptions. Pray for him, and pray that God shows both of you how to make this work. Take my very uninformed advice or not, but my heart goes out to you.

As I read through all the posts I think you have been given lots of good advice by the people that have responded so far. I quoted Mike here because he sumed up what I have been thinking about your situation. I have been married for 3 years, and got married at 31. It is a tough adjustment to make going from single to a couple after such a long time on your own. With prayer and council I truly think you can make a good go of your marriage.

 

[losingsanity7]

I am truly thankful for everyone's response. I do understand that God hates divorce which is why I came here. That is not really want I want. I'd rather not reply to every assumption, however I will clarify that I do not feel abused. I feel that my husband does not respect our marriage and makes me feel as if he doesn't deserve me (in my mind, not vocal). I wished we had better communication.

I have studied the scripture written here today, "wives submit to your husbands as you love the Lord" , but what if I lose that faith in my husband to do so? We are not agreeing in many aspects due to some stubborness and lack of self control.

If he shall be won through my actions, then that is what I will do.
Thank you for the prayers and perhaps six months from now, things will be better at least that is what I pray for.

 

[iLOVE]

The adversity you face in your marriage is not your fault or your husbands fault. The principalties you do not see is the blame. The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. All adversity that you and your husband will go through is to bring you closer to God. God doesn't allow things to happen without purpose. God does not want you to only receive from him, He wants a deeper intimate relationship with you. Remember God said I will not, I will not, I will not ever leave you. Jesus wants to be your bridge for a joyful tomorrow!

 

[By Grace]

I am truly thankful for everyone's response. I do understand that God hates divorce which is why I came here. That is not really want I want. I'd rather not reply to every assumption, however I will clarify that I do not feel abused. I feel that my husband does not respect our marriage and makes me feel as if he doesn't deserve me (in my mind, not vocal). I wished we had better communication.

The primary reason that God hates divorce is that it is a repudiation of His covenant with His children. He says many times in Scripture. "I will never forsake you" and "I will be their God, and they will be my people". because He will never "divorce his children" it is natural to assume from that passage that the reason for that has to do more with His faithfulness to us. But humans are fickle to one another, and that is because we all sin, and miss the high mark that God set for us.

So just as God does not hate the believer who sins, neither does he hate the believer who divorces. Nevertheless, that is a serious and final step to a prevailing pattern of sin and rebellion against God; that is why you need to seek godly counsel for yourself on so many different levels.

I have studied the scripture written here today, "wives submit to your husbands as you love the Lord" , but what if I lose that faith in my husband to do so? We are not agreeing in many aspects due to some stubborness and lack of self control.

The essence of what you are saying is "Submit, and some magic will happen." That is not to say that I do not believe Scripture, I do. However I believe that it is misunderstood by many well-meaning people. Just as you are responsible for your actions, so also is hubby; each of choose our actions, so you can not make hubby do anything, and vice-versa.

What you CAN do is to make yourself in to the godliest amd most Christ-like you can. Do not try to lean on your own understandings; Acknowledge God in everything that you do, and He will direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:4-5 paraphrased) Therefore sister, whether you "loose faith in your husband" is immaterial as long as you do not loose faith in what God can do with a woman after the heart of God. By putting God first, , everything else is in second or third place, God will eventually take care of those things in His own time, and in His own way.

I am happy to see you post "I do not feel abused" , but your comment " I feel that my husband does not respect our marriage " does cause me to wonder what exactly is going on inside the marriage. This sentence does seem to be raising some red flags: "We are not agreeing in many aspects due to some stubborness and lack of self control " In what ways do you consider hubby stubborn and not having self control? You are asking for help, and are not specific about the details. We do not gossip here; that is a sin against you. We do attempt to give Scripture-based counsel. So, while I am not advocating that you take any specific action, the fact that you wrote about stubbornness and lack of self control CAN be an indication of a sin stronghold in the life of hubby, or that he could be abusing you and the marriage, but you have not realized that. Can you understand my concern, sister?

If he shall be won through my actions, then that is what I will do.
Thank you for the prayers and perhaps six months from now, things will be better at least that is what I pray for.

My take on that verse, (and I reserve the right to be wrong), is that if you "beautify yourself with godliness" you will be irresistible to him, and that will cause hubby to want to change his ways. To be "godly" for the sake of winning him back is a manipulation of both God and hubby, and that honors neither.

Heavenly Father, I ask you to bless the life of the poster Loosingsanity7. She is in turmoil, and her desire to honor You is conflicting with her desire to honor hubby. Give her the fortitude to ask for prayers of the other sisters, and elders in her local assembly. let her know that she is not alone, and that you will never ever leave her, forsake her nor leave her hanging. surround her with your love. have Holy Spirit speak to her heartfelt needs, and to convince hubby of his sinning against the marriage and her. Grant them both repentance and sorrow for their contributing sins and restore them both into a right relationship with You and with each other. I ask this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen

 

[President]

I am truly thankful for everyone's response. I do understand that God hates divorce which is why I came here. That is not really want I want. I'd rather not reply to every assumption, however I will clarify that I do not feel abused. I feel that my husband does not respect our marriage and makes me feel as if he doesn't deserve me (in my mind, not vocal). I wished we had better communication.

I have studied the scripture written here today, "wives submit to your husbands as you love the Lord" , but what if I lose that faith in my husband to do so? We are not agreeing in many aspects due to some stubborness and lack of self control.

Thank you for getting back with us. It sounds like you really want to work on your marriage. That's really good.

I Peter 3 is an important message for wives. The passage says to be subject to your husbands like Sarah who obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do well and are not afraid with any amazement. I remember reading this and thinking Sarah seemed like a strange example of obedience. She suggested to Abraham that he take Hagar as a concubine, and he did what she suggested. Then she blamed him for it and asked for him to send her off. Abraham prayed about it, and the Lord told him to do what Sarah said. Abraham seems sort of, I don't know, maybe henpecked isn't the right word. But that story isn't a good example, IMO, of a wife submitting to her husband.

But I studied more. Sarah obeyed Abraham when he said to prepare three measures of meal, enough to feed 50 people perhaps, for the three visitors. But she also obeyed him when he told her to say she was his sister. Twice she did so and ended up in a king's harem both times. I don't know about in Egypt, but in Abimelech's harem, God rescued her from being defiled sexually. This reminds me of the part in I Peter 3, "if ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement." Sarah had reason to be afraid in the harem. She obeyed Abraham, probably thinking it would save his life. She might have feared for his life if she told she was married to him. And she might have feared adulterous sexual defilement being in the harem. But she submitted to Abraham and God protected her. Still, Sarah seems like a strange example, because that sounds like one of those cases where I might be inclined advise a wife to say I can't in good conscience toward God go along with what you suggest.

Many people, especially preachers, think Abraham was making a big mistake by telling people Sarah was his sister, that he was displaying a lack of faith. But Sarah submitting in this, and later is cited as an example of submission. One lesson from this is that husbands may not always make the best decisions, but wives are still to submit to their husbands. Peter even told the wives of unbelievers/disobedient to submit to their husbands. Isn't it easier to submit to a Christian man who makes some mistakes.

If your husband wants to make a decision you don't agree with, and it isn't a sin issue, submitting means you allow him to make the decision. If you submit to him, that means you give up control. If you respect him ('fear' him) as scripture commands, you won't fight with him about it either. Hopefully, you are in a relationship where you discuss decisions you make beforehand, and you may try to persuade him, and if you have a better idea, hopefully he will go along with that. But sometimes you don't agree on what is a better idea. In those cases you have to submit. That means you yield to his will and let him decide. You don't give him the silent treatment or treat him coldly. It's his decision.

Let's say you want to buy brand X blender, and you want to buy brand Y. Brand X is cheap, but you know they break quickly and brand Y lasts a lot longer. You submit and buy brand X. The day after the warranty expires, you use the blender and the motor starts smoking. It doesn't work anymore. Submission means he doesn't have to 'hear it' from you. It was his right to make the decision. You can just tell him, kindly, that it broke, and hopefully he'll make a mental note to listen to you on appliance purposes. In fact, not creating an argument out of this may actually be more effective in his learning to respect your opinion.

I've been in both situations. In the past, my wife used to be a lot more insistent about getting her way, and she use to get on my case a lot more. The Lord did a work in her heart and she learned more about how to be more submissive and respectful. She used to get a lot more upset about small stuff than she is now. My life is a lot more peaceful. Not only that. Her life is a lot more peaceful. I still value her opinion and it comes a lot more easily for me to respect and appreciate her when she doesn't give me a hard time if I make a decision that doesn't turn out like I'd hoped.

It sounds like some of your husband's inappropriate humor that you mentioned is about you being difficult. If you were always, sweet, kind, and supportive....if he knew he could feel safe if he told you he made a mistake and you would not give him a hard time, it would probably be hard for him to crack jokes like that. He'd probably feel guilty doing it. I really don't like anti-marriage humor. But he may not feel the same way. If you want to tell him a joke hurts you, try not to do it in a way where you will argue. If you have emotions and don't want them to come out through anger, you might be able to cry them out. Whether you cry or just talk to him calmly, let him know that what he said hurt you. Don't attack him, chew him out, etc. Just tell him that what he said hurt you. If you tell him not in a context of a fight where he feels he has to defend himself, and he realizes that he has hurt you, that may have more impact than an argument over it.