When to Let Your Children Date

[Mike]

For you CFnet mom's and dad's, I have a few questions. When do you believe is an appropriate age for your children to begin dating? I realize this can vary depending on the child, their maturity, and the trust they've earned from you, but generally speaking. Does this age change from boys to girls?

For those who haven't seen me mention it, we have 3 children. Joshua is 17, Claire is 14, and Bethany is 11.

Should we let the 11 year old date? Just kidding.

Our 14 year old was indignant because we wouldn't let her go see a movie alone with her 14 boyfriend. I say "boyfriend" because this is what she calls him, but really he's someone she sees between classes at school (9th grade), texts, and chats on Facebook. She said his mother would drive them and we would pick them up. I don't suspect her first "boyfriend" will last, or we would call the mother. I just can't believe she would allow this to happen. Julie or I may call his parents out of curiosity.

Joshua got his driver's license about 6 months ago, and that's when we allowed it for him. He can't be alone with a girl at her house or ours, but he can take a girl to a public place for a date. To be honest, I can imagine I'll have a double standard when our girls are the same age. That will be tough.

 

[reba]

Mike watch them close.....We thought our daughter was" safe" if his mother was at home not so she did not care... In todays world double dating doesn't stop any action. If I could go back I would keep them in ear shot and create things to do with family allowing for the 'friends' to join in..

 

[Knotical]

Personally, and I know my wife will agree on this one, I feel there is no point in anyone to date until they are at an age when they are ready for marriage, as dating, or courting, should only be used to "vet" potential suitors. Of course this could expand into a broader topic about what should be allowed during dating/courting, but that could be for a different thread.

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

My kids never dated in high school. They both had a select group of friends, almost all Christians, they hung with, did things en masse with (movies, sports events, etc.) and texted, phoned, etc. That was how I was introduced to Twitter, because they wanted to share their conversations among the group, and I wanted to make sure no one was saying anything they shouldn't. :D

I agree with Knot, I don't think anyone not at marriageable age needs to date, or "court." My kids both signed the True Love Waits pledge, and still have their rings to present to their spouses on their wedding days. In fact, in June, my son will give his to his lovely bride-to-be as part of their vows. My daughter isn't engaged yet, but may be soon, and plans to do the same thing. Dating and even courtship encourages an assumed relationship that may or may not exist, and can encourage further assumptions that are best left alone.

By the way, I encouraged the group activities, along with the other parents, and while I suspect there was some innocent kissing going on occassionally, none of those kids dated until they were ready to marry. My son has "dated" only one woman -- the one he will marry this year. I'm very proud of both of them, because she, though living in Boston, signed the TLW pledge and has her ring, too. My daughter has dated two men. The latest seems to have passed "dad muster" and is a really nice young man.

 

[reba]

Wonderful Numbers

 

[JCitoL]

as a general rule it is good the children to be free for sex life when they turned at least 18 years, while it is not a problem if the dates are allowed awhile theretofore/beforehand

Blessings

 

[Mike]

I think back to my teen years, and I had a few girlfriends. I can see the point about dating being a step taken in determining if she is "the one", but it's hard for me to also see it as an innocent way of learning how to treat a young lady. It can also be a good experience in having a comparator. I had several girlfriends before I met Julie. When I met her, it was so different from the others, I was sure she was the one I could commit to before long. My concern is that if you have no experience to tell you this isn't going to last, you might make a foolish decision with someone who won't.

 

[farouk]

Mike: ...and mid-to-late-teens from nice homes can also suddenly be seized with the supposed need to use bc (the bc issue also opens another, whole can of worms) and so it's good to be vigilant.

 

[duari91]

Tread lightly my friend. Approach your children very carefully about this subject. Remember, come off too harsh, and they will do it anyways. In some cases, they will do it just because you say not to. I wasn't a youngin' THAT long ago, so I know that kids can do ANYTHING away from home (at school).

Despite the ban on letting her go to locations like the movies, dinner, etc...she still has the ability to see him at school. Keeping that in mind will help you make a decision on how to stem her from doing it. Explain to her that "dating" is a way to find a future husband, not a game. You can also explain that dating leads to some very adult responsibility in life.

I would say 16-18 depending on maturity would be a good age to start dating.

 

[farouk]

Tread lightly my friend. Approach your children very carefully about this subject. Remember, come off too harsh, and they will do it anyways. In some cases, they will do it just because you say not to. I wasn't a youngin' THAT long ago, so I know that kids can do ANYTHING away from home (at school).

Despite the ban on letting her go to locations like the movies, dinner, etc...she still has the ability to see him at school. Keeping that in mind will help you make a decision on how to stem her from doing it. Explain to her that "dating" is a way to find a future husband, not a game. You can also explain that dating leads to some very adult responsibility in life.

I would say 16-18 depending on maturity would be a good age to start dating.

...which is why Christian nurturing needs to have been done thoroughly before the bc issue arises.

 

[duari91]

...which is why Christian nurturing needs to have been done thoroughly before the bc issue arises.

Of course, but preparing only goes so far. When a kid is away from home, they make their own decisions. Most of the time, these decisions are influenced by others. I wen't to a Christian private school until the 8th grade. That school was more drug, and alcohol ridden than the public schools. It's scary, but preparing doesn't insure a kids faithfulness.

 

[farouk]

Of course, but preparing only goes so far. When a kid is away from home, they make their own decisions. Most of the time, these decisions are influenced by others. I wen't to a Christian private school until the 8th grade. That school was more drug, and alcohol ridden than the public schools. It's scary, but preparing doesn't insure a kids faithfulness.

d91: You will probably find that one of the main reason why you were sent to that school was supposedly to avoid the very things that you mention.

I do struggle with the whole bc issue, anyway.

 

[Carolyn]

as a general rule it is good the children to be free for sex life when they turned at least 18 years, while it is not a problem if the dates are allowed awhile theretofore/beforehand

Blessings

So you believe that the sin of fornicatiòn, which will keep them out of heaven if that is their habit, is ok after they turn 18?

 

[farouk]

So you believe that the sin of fornicatiòn, which will keep them out of heaven if that is their habit, is ok after they turn 18?

Carolyn: Great if they can be encouraged to find someone they want to marry. Yes, fornication refers to premarital activity; good if it becomes marital.

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

I think back to my teen years, and I had a few girlfriends. I can see the point about dating being a step taken in determining if she is "the one", but it's hard for me to also see it as an innocent way of learning how to treat a young lady. It can also be a good experience in having a comparator. I had several girlfriends before I met Julie. When I met her, it was so different from the others, I was sure she was the one I could commit to before long. My concern is that if you have no experience to tell you this isn't going to last, you might make a foolish decision with someone who won't.

That's why I encouraged the group setting. It's non-threatening, being among several friends of both genders, and the group sets the ground rules for proper behavior without having to be vocal about it.

 

[duari91]

So you believe that the sin of fornicatiòn, which will keep them out of heaven if that is their habit, is ok after they turn 18?

I agree that it is something to be completely avoided BEFORE marriage. However; as far as I know, fornication is not an unpardonable sin. If it were, all of mankind will be headed to hell, seeing that all humans have lusted in their heart.

All liars will have their part in the lake of fire, but not those who are followers of Jesus Christ .

 

[farouk]

I agree that it is something to be completely avoided BEFORE marriage. However; as far as I know, fornication is not an unpardonable sin. If it were, all of mankind will be headed to hell, seeing that all humans have lusted in their heart.

All liars will have their part in the lake of fire, but not those who are followers of Jesus Christ .

d91:

I think there are at least two aspects to this. Theologically, Christians who have been cleansed and are truly born again, are not by nature habitual liars, even though a believer can be overtaken in a fault, as James says.

But there is also the dilemma of whether, with young people not led by the Scriptures, who are likely to be active in bed, pointedly not encouraging their use of bc will make worse the consequences of not using it. I still lean to the idea that one should not do anything which might even indirectly be construed as 'teaching (them) to commit fornication', though.

 

[farouk]

Hi handy, saw your name there; do you have any words of wisdom here? often what you say is sensible, anyhow. Blessings.

 

[handy]

Well Mike, you know what I'm going to say... so I'll just go ahead and exercise my fingers and say it anyway...

We let our kids "date".... if that's what they want to call it... but we're right along there with them. Chaperoning my friend. Actually, Tom still isn't all that interested in girls... he is, but not ready to call one a girlfriend and certainly not asking if he can take one out. However, we've already traveled this road several times with Viola. And, she's learned that as a matter of fact, there are a few guys willing to date her even with Steve and I along for the ride.

I wouldn't in a million years drop her off at a theater complex with a boy for several hours. I just wouldn't. And, it's not that I don't trust her or think that they would leave and go someplace we don't know about and do things we don't want them doing... but they could. They could and I don't want to have her in that situation.

Even with the chaperoning, even with the fact that we are right there, I'm sure you remember me sharing about the one kid who, in the five minutes he was out of earshot, propositioned Viola for sex. Had the condom in the wallet and was willing to wait until we were asleep to come back over sneak her out and take off in his truck. She kicked him to the curb... but it was so distressful to her, she came in and threw up. I don't want her to be in a position of being stuck at a movie complex with a guy and have that happen.

Nor will we allow Tom either...gotta check that double-standard my friend. Girls are very, very sexually active today...are you sure you want to let your son take off for a few hours alone with a girl who may already be sexually experienced?

Anyway, if it's OK with the boy's parents, take them to the complex, let him pay for Claire's way and let them choose the movie...and you and Julie just sit a couple of rows behind them and treat them to some ice cream when it's done.

 

[handy]

hehehe... was opining as you posted, farouk!