Why?

[Rookie]

It is humiliating to look back at my previous post before I stopped posting on Christian forums, and to see how biblically astute I was in my theology, but now that I'm back it almost seems like I went from a daring Soldier to a mere rookie.

But to the eternal fire with my pride. Back then I may have had a lot of head knowledge but I had zero heart knowledge and which is why I struggle with sin extremely back then, and why it is still a fight to maintain purity even now.

It turns out one of my biggest struggles with my faith is doubt, and it's not with God's existence or anything, but "why"

Why does it seem like God is requiring me to a lifestyle that at times can be completely deprived of all things I want (non sinful), and lazered in on making my life here miserable. I know all the scriptures and all the theology that goes against it, but when I experience life I experienced the exact opposite.

While it would be nice, most people dream of becoming millionaires, being famous, being world-renowned, getting a whole bunch of awards or championships, or something gigantic.

I just want 3 things, a relationship, a lasting peace with a particular similar member close in my life, and to play football.

Right now all 3 seem to be eternally out of reach. The opposite sex seems to be repulsed at the idea of dating me, and its not even a character issue as I always get compliments on that, (grant it, I'm not the most attractive guy around, but I'm semi decent at least. But no race not even my own and especially Caucasians seem to be the least willing to give me a chance. I'm black for reference).

The family member shows little to no sign of changing permenantly, and I always dreamed of the NFL as a little kid, not for the $$$ but cuz I love the sport, but that window got taken from me outside of my control. And even when it became within my control, I had to be obedient to God, and if I would have been disobedient to God I would have had a path to the NFL.

Growing up, especially for the relationship part as that is the biggest one of the three, I keep hearing that when I had imagined these things in my head, that it was wrong to think that, especially these things have a materialized at all so I had no evidence of it.

But as I kept living, no matter how much I try to spin it or get counseling to help me cope with it, my life just keeps pulling me farther and farther away from my deepest desires the more I try to pursue God. And the more I pursue God, the more miserable I am some days.

And get this, the fact that God doesn't want me to have neither of my three biggest and only desires in life, it's that he lets everyone else regardless of Faith status, spiritual maturity, or morality have that and then some.

Whether it's an atheist or agnostic or a lukewarm believer or baby Christian or fully surrendered Christian, or Buddhist, or Muslim, God seems to be working overtime to give them the best life that they always want. And even if they don't have every one of their big desires they at least have some while I have none.

So why is there an impartiality? I've heard all the scriptures, I've been in counseling for this for 2 months, because it's been giving me serious depression. And why I will obey God's called to holiness, it's pretty much impossible to do it with any Joy or happiness. Sure I may sound like a brat because I want the things that I want, but God happily gives it to everybody else but me.

Man and I have so much specific stories to go into that would exceed the limit word count on this threat, but I have so many.

Sorry for the rant, but normally I would keep this stuff to myself, and I kind of have the safety net of none of you guys knowing who I am. The only place I really am able to open up about things like this is if me paying someone to listen to me for an hour via counseling, or hear online, otherwise I can't really share it anywhere else.

 

[Rookie]

And all the advice I get from people the very few times I am able to open up, is a huge dismissiveness of my feelings, or the reality of my life. And the reality is they're talking from a place of having some most or even all of their desires fulfilled by God regardless of their morality or faith status.

Even my own counselor wasn't able to give me a way for me to stop caring about these things, because if I was able to stop caring about these things then life would be so much easier.

 

[Hidden In Him]

It is humiliating to look back at my previous post before I stopped posting on Christian forums, and to see how biblically astute I was in my theology, but now that I'm back it almost seems like I went from a daring Soldier to a mere rookie.

But to the eternal fire with my pride. Back then I may have had a lot of head knowledge but I had zero heart knowledge and which is why I struggle with sin extremely back then, and why it is still a fight to maintain purity even now.

It turns out one of my biggest struggles with my faith is doubt, and it's not with God's existence or anything, but "why"

Why does it seem like God is requiring me to a lifestyle that at times can be completely deprived of all things I want (non sinful), and lazered in on making my life here miserable. I know all the scriptures and all the theology that goes against it, but when I experience life I experienced the exact opposite.

While it would be nice, most people dream of becoming millionaires, being famous, being world-renowned, getting a whole bunch of awards or championships, or something gigantic.

I just want 3 things, a relationship, a lasting peace with a particular similar member close in my life, and to play football.

Right now all 3 seem to be eternally out of reach. The opposite sex seems to be repulsed at the idea of dating me, and its not even a character issue as I always get compliments on that, (grant it, I'm not the most attractive guy around, but I'm semi decent at least. But no race not even my own and especially Caucasians seem to be the least willing to give me a chance. I'm black for reference).

The family member shows little to no sign of changing permenantly, and I always dreamed of the NFL as a little kid, not for the $$$ but cuz I love the sport, but that window got taken from me outside of my control. And even when it became within my control, I had to be obedient to God, and if I would have been disobedient to God I would have had a path to the NFL.

Growing up, especially for the relationship part as that is the biggest one of the three, I keep hearing that when I had imagined these things in my head, that it was wrong to think that, especially these things have a materialized at all so I had no evidence of it.

But as I kept living, no matter how much I try to spin it or get counseling to help me cope with it, my life just keeps pulling me farther and farther away from my deepest desires the more I try to pursue God. And the more I pursue God, the more miserable I am some days.

And get this, the fact that God doesn't want me to have neither of my three biggest and only desires in life, it's that he lets everyone else regardless of Faith status, spiritual maturity, or morality have that and then some.

Whether it's an atheist or agnostic or a lukewarm believer or baby Christian or fully surrendered Christian, or Buddhist, or Muslim, God seems to be working overtime to give them the best life that they always want. And even if they don't have every one of their big desires they at least have some while I have none.

So why is there an impartiality? I've heard all the scriptures, I've been in counseling for this for 2 months, because it's been giving me serious depression. And why I will obey God's called to holiness, it's pretty much impossible to do it with any Joy or happiness. Sure I may sound like a brat because I want the things that I want, but God happily gives it to everybody else but me.

Man and I have so much specific stories to go into that would exceed the limit word count on this threat, but I have so many.

Sorry for the rant, but normally I would keep this stuff to myself, and I kind of have the safety net of none of you guys knowing who I am. The only place I really am able to open up about things like this is if me paying someone to listen to me for an hour via counseling, or hear online, otherwise I can't really share it anywhere else.

Wow! A lot to answer here, and I will likely only be able to get to part of it tonight, but I'll highlight what struck me the most.

Why does it seem like God is requiring me to a lifestyle that at times can be completely deprived of all things I want (non sinful), and lazered in on making my life here miserable. I know all the scriptures and all the theology that goes against it, but when I experience life I experienced the exact opposite.

I had to laugh when I read this. It likely means there is a call on your life and God is refining you. I've been stone cold miserable lately myself, but through it all I can see God separating me from the world even more. Be comforted (though I know this may not help much) that those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He prunes the branches so that they can produce more fruit. So long as you are happy with the things of this world, there will never be a great desire to seek out bearing fruit in Christ. It's all part of taking up your cross and following Him.

The family member shows little to no sign of changing permenantly, and I always dreamed of the NFL as a little kid, not for the $$$ but cuz I love the sport, but that window got taken from me outside of my control. And even when it became within my control, I had to be obedient to God, and if I would have been disobedient to God I would have had a path to the NFL.

I left music when I was 21 and got born again. I had similar aspirations, but as the Lord told the disciples, we must be willing to depart from our former life to walk with Him. The rich man had a life in this world, but he unfortunately was not willing to let go, and if you are unwilling to give it all to God you will not walk worthy of Him, because He has given His all for you. You are making the right decisions - the wise decisions. You just need to keep going.

 

[Hidden In Him]

Ok, finally have some time to come back to this, and I wanted to cuz so many interesting points were made.

It is humiliating to look back at my previous post before I stopped posting on Christian forums, and to see how biblically astute I was in my theology, but now that I'm back it almost seems like I went from a daring Soldier to a mere rookie.

Almost everyone does this at some point, and many do so over and over again. They get the cart before the horse and forget the part where James said "Let him who is wise among prove it through meekness of wisdom" (a paraphrase). The easiest way to keep from messing up in general is to keep the second greatest commandment ever before your eyes, which says "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It eliminates the anger and impatience a lot of the time. But I've done, and everyone I've ever known on the forums has done it. Comes with the territory of meeting up face to face with your own limitations, so welcome to the club.

I just want 3 things, a relationship

I hear you on this, but here is what I have found. You have to give yourself entirely to Him. Finding "the one" is no easy business. In fact, only the Lord can arrange it. And He won't arrange it until you are ready to be molded into the type of man who can make a good husband and partner for the one He wants for you. Sometimes she isn't ready either, so it takes patience. But this is why I stay giving yourself entirely to Him. It may be a longer wait than you want for everything to line up, but if you pray about it now the wheels will start going into motion, so that down the road everything falls in line.

a lasting peace with a particular similar member close in my life

Same thing.

But as I kept living, no matter how much I try to spin it or get counseling to help me cope with it, my life just keeps pulling me farther and farther away from my deepest desires the more I try to pursue God. And the more I pursue God, the more miserable I am some days.

Understand one thing, and don't lose sight of it. He is a loving God and knows us better than anyone, and longs to give us the desires of hearts. It's just that again, there may be complications in the way. But the more you keep giving your life to Him, the more you are going to see the desires fulfilled the older you get.