http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/72416-no-longer-a-beautiful-daughter-of-god/#.V3fYVLgrKUk
I'm only eighteen years old, but I promise the world I didn't just "fall away" in a stage of teenage rebellion. No, it was intellectual, because my heart still loves a nonexistent god and yearns to find its place in the church. Still, I fell away nonetheless.
I grew up in a tiny Presbyterian church, part of the PCA rather than the more liberal PCUSA. We breathed Calvinist doctrine and flaunted our theological knowledge everywhere we went. We didn't have any dress codes other than "don't cause men to stumble with those shorts," we didn't have any crazy odd family behaviors that were required of us. Instead, the abuse, manipulation and brainwashing was hidden. First, it was hidden in the basement of the church, where Sunday School was taught in a style very similar to that of The Good News Club. Full of shame, I remember clearly the horrific story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac, told to me when I was three. I remember my mom consulting a nine-year-old's mother to ask permission to teach about the rape of Dinah in the Old Testament. Two stories upstairs, the adults spoke of authority and submission quite frequently, as well as predestination and other Calvinist teachings. Since we were on a hill, the middle story was our ground floor and sanctuary. I colored quietly during the sermons, as I was required to listen no matter my age. I remember hearing many strange things that come back to me in blurry droves. I often felt afraid at that church, and everyone creeped me out. At home, my parents frequently read the Bible--lunch, dinner, bedtime. My father loved using it to make us obey. I remember one time when my brother wouldn't listen to him, he pulled out Proverbs 30:17, and told my brother, "if you don't obey, the ravens will peck your eyes out." My brother wouldn't step outside for the next 24 hours for fear of birds swooping down and killing him. This was the environment in which we grew up in. There was love and nurture from our mother, but she did not protect us from our father, and she enabled him greatly. I was homeschooled, only taught Creationism. I was never in sex ed. I was only allowed to read certain books. My mom parented me like one would parent a young child, only when I grew up, she didn't loosen her grip; she tightened it.
When I was fifteen years old, my parents separated (my dad was emotionally and verbally abusive, though the word "abuse" wasn't used) and my mom, brother and I began attending a local foursquare church that also had a Reformed/Calvinist background, though not as apparent. Even more insidious.
This was when I began to recall dozens of repressed memories of my father sexually abusing me and physically abusing my brother. I confided in my mentor at the church, and she
actually believed me (big surprise, due to church history!). It was wonderful. I was set up with the church counselor, and all was well for about a year. I grew a lot, and learned a lot, though I was merely becoming more and more brainwashed, believing that God was healing me.
But things started to get weird. My PTSD plateaued and my mother chomped down on the bit and became extremely oppressive and controlling. The counselor told me that the reason I wasn't healing was because I had sin issues: I needed to submit to my mother, despite the fact that she was making choices such as locking me in the house alone for a week and taking my phone, as a consequence for yelling and disagreeing with her doctrine because it triggered me. Instead of being nurtured and comforted, I was shut down and triggered so horribly that, one time, I ended up hitting my mom. She called the police and they arrested me, which was very traumatic.
It was then that my church counselor refused to continue working with me, due to my "rebellion." She didn't address me specifically; she texted my mom. I began seeing a professional therapist who specializes in EMDR. She has been my guide and mentor for over a year now. When I started working with her, I stopped going to church. She didn't tell me to submit to my mom, but to follow my own faith. At this point, I was very into the "only grace" religious doctrine, which my mom deemed cultish and she began sneaking onto my computer and monitoring my activities, banning me from going to church or Bible studies with my friend if I didn't go to her guilt-hammering church.
I had come to the conclusion that, in accordance with the teachings of my mom's church, my sexual abuse was my fault. “God has a plan for you,” “God meant this for good,” “your suffering will end; you are like Job!” “Call out to Jesus! He meant for this to shape you into the person you’re meant to be…”
I spun it around and around in my mind: in accordance with the church doctrine that God ordains and predestines each person’s life, if my abuse was meant to make me the “beautiful daughter of God” I was, then doesn’t that mean that God didn’t just allow but meant for me to be a victim of incest?
“No, of course not!” they would tell me as they drifted off into their typical method of circular reasoning.
This was the last straw of my relationship with that church, and the Church in general. I was not a victim of my father; I was a victim of God.
I left even my grace-focused religious doctrine when my fellowship group did not accept me as bisexual. I just all-out stopped going.
Now, I live in a new town, and I have only recently realized how truly damaged I am from my upbringing. I recently got an STI and instead of nurturing me, my mother told me that the antibiotics wouldn't work, and I got triggered and believed for two days that I was going to die and go to hell for my sin of premarital sex. I have come to the conclusion that though I was severely sexually abused by three different people, including my father, the majority of my pain and PTSD comes from the religious trauma that I have undergone. I am here now, because I need resources, and I feel very alone. I feel broken, and I don't know what it will take to fix me again. I try to read articles about atheism but I am hammered with internal biases and I can't seem to understand anything about evolution, since it was never taught to me. Though I am doing great in my new life as an adult, learning things I never knew and doing things I was never taught, I am still barely keeping my head above water.
I am no longer a "Beautiful Daughter of God." All my resources are gone; everyone in my life has left me. My mother is emotionally abusive and won't stop badgering me for leaving the church. She prays for the destruction of the only healthy romantic relationship I've ever had, and hates my partner. My friends shunned me months ago, and I am only just beginning to rebuild.
There is hope, of course, and that is why I'm here. I am stronger than I've ever been, and I have found that I can do so much alone, by my own strength. It isn't God. It isn't other people. I'm a survivor and a fighter, and now it is my time to gather resources and learn what it means to heal from the bonds of religion. I am finally free!
If you have any resources that have helped you or those you know, please send them along. And to those going through this as I do, hey, you know you're not alone! We can do this!
