Husband doesn't understand how acts of service makes me desire him

[Kathi]

My ex and I used to have water fights.I was really playful more so than "Mr.serious".We used to splatter water on each other when we did the dishes.But....that playfulness did not save the marriage.

 

[Edward]

How would you guys be with this?

Been there, done that. Got the Tee-shirt. LOL. She had fun.

I wanted to take her dancing before and she turned me down! and then a couple years later she forgot and said to me, you never even took me dancing...so I reminded her that I tried and she chickened out! Ha! She was mighty embarrassed then.

 

[Edward]

How about not having to read a book and just following your heart.

One time it was her birthday and I had no dough to buy her a present. I had like 7 bucks or something. So I bought her a 99 cents candle that said, I Love You, a roll of lifesavers, A teeny picture frame which I put a pic of us together in, and a few other well chosen small things along with an essay thing detailing the many reasons that I love her. I got a huge box and a bunch of newspaper and hid them all throughout the big box and wrapped it up. She had a lot of fun going through the box finding all these little things. She said it was so cool that i couldn't have got her anything better. (score!)
She talked about it for years to her friends.

I used to rub her feet for her a lot too. I heard her friends giving her the wow he does that for you? quite a few times.

 

[Brother Mike]

Like most husbands my husband is always in the mood, we are not in our twenties anymore but his libido never got that memo. We have read the five love languages and my husband doesn't buy into that fact, that one of my love languages (acts of service) makes me want to be that much more intimate with him. Of course men are visual so maybe that's why he can't comprehend it. Sometimes I feel like I put a lot into our marriage,ie planning date night, having the house in order, bills paid, dealing with our kids etc. sometimes I feel like his only responsibility is to go to work. So when I've worked pretty much sun up to sun down and he wants it at the drop of a hat, he doesn't understand why I'm not as eager as he is. He said there's no way that by him doing something around the house can make him more attractive. It's not about attraction it's an emotional tie. When I tell him these things he says it's a bunch of liberal psycho babble.

Anything I can say to make the lightbulb go off?

Scripture says nothing about some 5 love languages. The only Love we should be focused on is the Love of God, His love, not some broken down versions of love. The world complicates what should be simple. Now if you want worldly advice to fix a Marriage which God invented, then go right ahead.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
(Eph 5:22-25)

Problems come in marriage when someone or both are disobedient to scriptures.

He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
(Psa 107:20)

According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue:
(2Pe 1:3)

The Word was sent to instruct us, and there is power in what God spoke to bring it to pass if we take sides with the Word.

Let's get some facts straight here........... Lots of Husbands are not always in the mood as you seem to think. Your Husband is........ Lots are not.

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
(1Pe 3:7)

That is not a bad thing, I would be more concerned if he was never in the mood. It means you still excite him, and your on his mind.

I have been married 23 years, and if I want sex, my wife feels the same way you do. She likes to think I am a partner with helping with instructing the kids, and helping with dishes, all kinds of hoops I have to encounter to build up that emotional thing she needs.

There are times she has gone out of her way to plan dates and things and it flew right by me, as I went off to do my own thing. Come back later to see what i can get, and I get a list of all the things I missed instead as she rolls over and goes to sleep. I guess that extra hour on the forums was a bit to long....

Deal with them according to knowledge (Stay away from their buttons and things that upset them, do things you know they like.) and Love them as Christ loved the church. The Love of God tells me to help her when she starts one of her constant projects, help with diner, and even put my daughter to bed so she does not have to.

As a man, I don't like to do much when I get off work. In my mind I think the wife should be running the house, and those dishes just magically get done. As Christ loves the church though, I just do the things God puts on my heart to do, because the wife hates it if she has to tell me something she thinks I should just know.

If your husband is "saved" then he needs to obey what is written. That would solve your issues, and he should look at you as Christ looks at the church. He is commanded to do so.

If he is not, then his issue is not a marriage one, but an issue with God and His word. Any man that is right with God in all things is an awesome husband and has his house in order.

Help from God:

If we want God's help, we do it God's way.

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
(1Pe 3:1)

Telling your husband about some 5 love languages is not even scripture, or telling him what the Word says is not what your told to do. "WITHOUT THE WORD" Christian married folk having issues violate this simple instruction and wonder why things never change. Keep it zipped, it's between Him and God. If He gets right with God, then you will be happy.

Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest.
(Mat 9:38)

The Lord has someone he will listen to, just pray that the Lord will send that person in his path. Pray the Lord open his eyes of understanding, just like Paul did in Eph and Col.

Your not doing things wrong, but expecting things out of your Husband that are not there. God can put them there.

 

[Edward]

...

As a man, I don't like to do much when I get off work. In my mind I think the wife should be running the house, and those dishes just magically get done. As Christ loves the church though, I just do the things God puts on my heart to do, because the wife hates it if she has to tell me something she thinks I should just know...


Telling your husband about some 5 love languages is not even scripture, or telling him what the Word says is not what your told to do. "WITHOUT THE WORD" Christian married folk having issues violate this simple instruction and wonder why things never change. Keep it zipped, it's between Him and God. If He gets right with God, then you will be happy...

That was my mistake in my marriage. Thinking my day was done when I got off work. Duty fulfilled and all that. But work is a means to an end. The day isn't over when I get off work...it begins! I wont make that mistake again.

That love language thing isn't something you talk about. It's just something that you notice and do. Boy, if you tried to talk about it, you'd scare the spouse to death. True that, it's not scripture, but human psychological makeup and drives are a reality for us, and it seems to me that noticing what makes the other feel loved and appreciated and making an effort to do these things is simply love and consideration, and that is scriptural brother. Nevertheless...pray for him and be honorable and scriptural in your marital efforts to express your love and treatment of one another as scripture says to do. Does that make sense brother?

 

[Brother Mike]

That was my mistake in my marriage. Thinking my day was done when I got off work. Duty fulfilled and all that. But work is a means to an end. The day isn't over when I get off work...it begins! I wont make that mistake again.

That love language thing isn't something you talk about. It's just something that you notice and do. Boy, if you tried to talk about it, you'd scare the spouse to death. True that, it's not scripture, but human psychological makeup and drives are a reality for us, and it seems to me that noticing what makes the other feel loved and appreciated and making an effort to do these things is simply love and consideration, and that is scriptural brother. Nevertheless...pray for him and be honorable and scriptural in your marital efforts to express your love and treatment of one another as scripture says to do. Does that make sense brother?

Makes sense. Thing is as you also know, us guys come home and think the day is done. We provided, and that is what we are suppose to do, not much else.

If a man can learn to obey the Word, then getting things fixed is easy. One scripture we are instructed to do unto others as would we have to do unto us. Now is I am looking at a big pile of socks mixed with other cloths, then I would like some help matching everything.

so then, if the wife is doing laundry, then by following that scripture I would ask if she would like help matching socks as that is what i would want someone to do to me.

You know people get book after book, attend all the faith conferences, have every CD by every Faith pastor, but yet they live a fearful and uncertain life. If your not a doer of the Word, then there are no results.

If God can fix my marriage, then He can fix any marriage and if God can make a man out of dust, then there is nothing so physically wrong with someone that God can't and does not want to fix. He is that good.

 

[Kathi]

One time it was her birthday and I had no dough to buy her a present. I had like 7 bucks or something. So I bought her a 99 cents candle that said, I Love You, a roll of lifesavers, A teeny picture frame which I put a pic of us together in, and a few other well chosen small things along with an essay thing detailing the many reasons that I love her. I got a huge box and a bunch of newspaper and hid them all throughout the big box and wrapped it up. She had a lot of fun going through the box finding all these little things. She said it was so cool that i couldn't have got her anything better. (score!)
She talked about it for years to her friends.

I used to rub her feet for her a lot too. I heard her friends giving her the wow he does that for you? quite a few times.

That sounds pretty romantic to me.

 

[Edward]

Makes sense. Thing is as you also know, us guys come home and think the day is done. We provided, and that is what we are suppose to do, not much else.

If a man can learn to obey the Word, then getting things fixed is easy. One scripture we are instructed to do unto others as would we have to do unto us. Now is I am looking at a big pile of socks mixed with other cloths, then I would like some help matching everything.

so then, if the wife is doing laundry, then by following that scripture I would ask if she would like help matching socks as that is what i would want someone to do to me.

You know people get book after book, attend all the faith conferences, have every CD by every Faith pastor, but yet they live a fearful and uncertain life. If your not a doer of the Word, then there are no results.

If God can fix my marriage, then He can fix any marriage and if God can make a man out of dust, then there is nothing so physically wrong with someone that God can't and does not want to fix. He is that good.

Yep. Exactly brother. The wife works all day too at home, cleaning, children and all that stuff, and it's not so easy, I found that out after she left. And the thing is, when daddy gets home and his day is done...hers gets even harder because she's waiting on him and picking up his dirty socks and stuff that he dropped in the floor and all that. i didn't understand it when I was married and would ask her...why don't you ever stop and sit down? Geez, she worked all the way up until bedtime.

I get it now. My next wife, I'll cook dinner sometimes, and help her always cook or clean when I come home. it's only fair. Most guys may cook their girl breakfast in bed once a year on her birthday if she's lucky. i think I'll cook breakfast in bed for her once a week. This will touch her. She needs a break too and to be pampered.

Yeah. Treat her the way I want to be treated. For real. And go to church together every Sunday. Be her spiritual example and leader. that's a responsibility. A might scary in a way but it will keep me on my spiritual toes. In order to be the spiritual leader, one must himself have a good relationship with God in order to be able to do it, and with confidence, no fear. everything is Spirit led.

God will honor that marriage, and bless it. Praise the Lord for God being there and being who he is, especially longsuffering.

 

[Edward]

That sounds pretty romantic to me.

Thank you sister. I thought so too and more importantly, she did. Being romantic isn't real hard, it just takes effort. More mental and loving than anything else. Once one kind of gets in the groove of it, it's even easier.

 

[Deborah13]

Thank you sister. I thought so too and more importantly, she did. Being romantic isn't real hard, it just takes effort. More mental and loving than anything else. Once one kind of gets in the groove of it, it's even easier.

I'm going to pick on you because I know you can take it. Here goes....
Quite sometime ago there was thread about relationships. I think that you posted something about buying your wife plants rather than flowers. I don't remember if I said anything about this in that thread or not. Many woman, including me, like getting a bouquet of flowers once in awhile. Not for a special occasion but just to say I love you and I am thinking about you.
Tonight my dh noticed the bouquet I received and asked who had given them to me. Lexy and Jake had brought them home to me. I gave him a bit of a teasing bad time about him not bringing me flowers.
Oh boy, what a conversation. Plants aren't the same as flowers and Jake (g-son, age 9) joined the conversation.
What is it with you guys anyway? Here he is nine and he tells me that plants don't die in a few days, you can take cuttings from them for more plants, AND it cost less instead of buying flowers over and over again.
Is this something that men carrying in their genes? Is it something passed on with the original sin?

 

[Edward]

I'm going to pick on you because I know you can take it. Here goes....
Quite sometime ago there was thread about relationships. I think that you posted something about buying your wife plants rather than flowers. I don't remember if I said anything about this in that thread or not. Many woman, including me, like getting a bouquet of flowers once in awhile. Not for a special occasion but just to say I love you and I am thinking about you.
Tonight my dh noticed the bouquet I received and asked who had given them to me. Lexy and Jake had brought them home to me. I gave him a bit of a teasing bad time about him not bringing me flowers.
Oh boy, what a conversation. Plants aren't the same as flowers and Jake (g-son, age 9) joined the conversation.
What is it with you guys anyway? Here he is nine and he tells me that plants don't die in a few days, you can take cuttings from them for more plants, AND it cost less instead of buying flowers over and over again.
Is this something that men carrying in their genes? Is it something passed on with the original sin?

That's funny!

Actually I did do the bouquet thing once in awhile also, but...not walking with the Lord at the time, and having the mentality of economy and cuttings and preferring to buy her plants...I...used to steal her bouquets of flowers, not from the store, but fresh cut, and rationalized it along the lines of stolen kisses are sweeter, so when I used to see some nice flowers growing around town (many times city flowers, lol), I would go back at night with scissors and cut her a bouquet of them. A couple times i would even go to a florist to ask them for one sheet of flower paper to wrap them in, which they would always give me. Then take them home to her. The city puts out nice flowers!

I certainly wouldn't do it anymore because I invite the Lord to go with me almost everywhere I go. :erm

It is nice to have flowers in the house. Something about flowers and color therapy, the nice fragrance and the ambiance it adds to the atmosphere. I read about this and do believe that it improved my wife's mood while the flowers lasted in the house. Candles too. It's a love language thing too, I think.

 

[Kathi]

That's funny!

Actually I did do the bouquet thing once in awhile also, but...not walking with the Lord at the time, and having the mentality of economy and cuttings and preferring to buy her plants...I...used to steal her bouquets of flowers, not from the store, but fresh cut, and rationalized it along the lines of stolen kisses are sweeter, so when I used to see some nice flowers growing around town (many times city flowers, lol), I would go back at night with scissors and cut her a bouquet of them. A couple times i would even go to a florist to ask them for one sheet of flower paper to wrap them in, which they would always give me. Then take them home to her. The city puts out nice flowers!

I certainly wouldn't do it anymore because I invite the Lord to go with me almost everywhere I go. :erm

It is nice to have flowers in the house. Something about flowers and color therapy, the nice fragrance and the ambiance it adds to the atmosphere. I read about this and do believe that it improved my wife's mood while the flowers lasted in the house. Candles too. It's a love language thing too, I think.

When I was about 5 years old I was walking down the street in our neighborhood and I say a rose garden I liked.I stopped to smell the roses and then I picked one. This lady came running out of her house yelling and screaming at me.It scared me to death.She called me a thief and said she was going to tell my mother what I did.To this day I will stop and smell a rose because it is my favorite flower but I will never,ever pick one

 

[Edward]

I've bought a single red rose a few times but I'm way too cheap to pay 50 or 75 bucks for a dozen, lol. i did buy a dozen yellow roses one time for a female friend of mine, The yellow ones are friendship roses.

 

[20yrsmarried]

Yep. Exactly brother. The wife works all day too at home, cleaning, children and all that stuff, and it's not so easy, I found that out after she left. And the thing is, when daddy gets home and his day is done...hers gets even harder because she's waiting on him and picking up his dirty socks and stuff that he dropped in the floor and all that. i didn't understand it when I was married and would ask her...why don't you ever stop and sit down? Geez, she worked all the way up until bedtime.

I get it now. My next wife, I'll cook dinner sometimes, and help her always cook or clean when I come home. it's only fair. Most guys may cook their girl breakfast in bed once a year on her birthday if she's lucky. i think I'll cook breakfast in bed for her once a week. This will touch her. She needs a break too and to be pampered.

Yeah. Treat her the way I want to be treated. For real. And go to church together every Sunday. Be her spiritual example and leader. that's a responsibility. A might scary in a way but it will keep me on my spiritual toes. In order to be the spiritual leader, one must himself have a good relationship with God in order to be able to do it, and with confidence, no fear. everything is Spirit led.

God will honor that marriage, and bless it. Praise the Lord for God being there and being who he is, especially longsuffering.

"Next wife"? I thought you were married.... Speaking in present tense

 

[Edward]

"Next wife"? I thought you were married.... Speaking in present tense

No she left back in 2007. We were married for 26 years. But she got materialistic on me. I didn't make enough money for her, lol. She was 40 years old and wanted to go try to marry a millionaire, before she was too old to be marketable. (She actually said this, lol) (Well not the before she isn't marketable part). She dang near did it too, she was dating a millionaire lawyer for awhile. But when she demanded that he marry her, he showed her the door. So suddenly she still had a soft spot in her heart for me and called up wanting to come home...if I flew in her friends and threw a big wedding, and if I bought her a BMW (I'm not greedy she said, she'd settle for a 3 series lol).

You can't base a marriage on material objects so I wished her good luck and told her no.
Since I never cheated on her or beat her up, that's all she had was the money argument and had to be honest, lol. It's not like we were dirt poor either, we just weren't rich. I've been self employed with an HVAC company since 1994. We were doing ok.

 

[Kathi]

No she left back in 2007. We were married for 26 years. But she got materialistic on me. I didn't make enough money for her, lol. She was 40 years old and wanted to go try to marry a millionaire, before she was too old to be marketable. (She actually said this, lol) (Well not the before she isn't marketable part). She dang near did it too, she was dating a millionaire lawyer for awhile. But when she demanded that he marry her, he showed her the door. So suddenly she still had a soft spot in her heart for me and called up wanting to come home...if I flew in her friends and threw a big wedding, and if I bought her a BMW (I'm not greedy she said, she'd settle for a 3 series lol).

You can't base a marriage on material objects so I wished her good luck and told her no.
Since I never cheated on her or beat her up, that's all she had was the money argument and had to be honest, lol. It's not like we were dirt poor either, we just weren't rich. I've been self employed with an HVAC company since 1994. We were doing ok.

Aren't you currently engaged Edward?I thought you said that once.

 

[Deborah13]

No she left back in 2007. We were married for 26 years. But she got materialistic on me. I didn't make enough money for her, lol. She was 40 years old and wanted to go try to marry a millionaire, before she was too old to be marketable. (She actually said this, lol) (Well not the before she isn't marketable part). She dang near did it too, she was dating a millionaire lawyer for awhile. But when she demanded that he marry her, he showed her the door. So suddenly she still had a soft spot in her heart for me and called up wanting to come home...if I flew in her friends and threw a big wedding, and if I bought her a BMW (I'm not greedy she said, she'd settle for a 3 series lol).

You can't base a marriage on material objects so I wished her good luck and told her no.
Since I never cheated on her or beat her up, that's all she had was the money argument and had to be honest, lol. It's not like we were dirt poor either, we just weren't rich. I've been self employed with an HVAC company since 1994. We were doing ok.

BMW
My son-in-law always dreamt of having one. While Aaron was dating my daughter he bought one. He could make the trip from Colorado to Phoenix lickity split to visit Heather over the next two years while she finished getting her BS. After she was done with college they got married. They had no intentions of getting pregnant for a couple of years at least. A year later they were. Ten months later the BMW went bye, bye for a safer and more family friendly vehicle. The best laid plans of mice and men.....

 

[Edward]

Aren't you currently engaged Edward?I thought you said that once.

I am. That was my first wife that wanted a BMW. Maybe I'll buy my 2nd wife a BMW just for the hey of it, lol.

 

[Knotical]

Mid life crises are weird things. An uncle of mine hit his when he turned 40 and realized he hadn't made his first million, as he had planned when he left high school. He ended up divorcing his wife and not too long a while later married a woman who looked just like his ex-wife, who also had two kids, just like in his previous marriage. He is still married to his second wife (as far as I know) and probably has yet to make his first million.

Nothing generally works the way you want if you don't plan for it.

 

[Claudya]

He he believes women hear other women say stuff like that and they just regurgitate it.

Well to be quite honest he's basically right.
The love languages concept isn't something scientific or so. It's just some individual subjective observation combined with some common sense thinking that were cobbled together in a theoretical construct that gained popularity because it's an important issue and that construct makes sense on an intuitive level, and has probably helped lots of couples and individuals improve their communication. So it's not really a bad concept. It's some of the best stuff the Christian self-help market has to offer. (It's just not really science.) :D
Trying to understand how people communicate friendliness and affection and how different people do it in a different way (and thus may horribly misunderstand each other) is a very important thing to deal with in any meaningful relationship - marriage, friendship, co-workers, whatever, hence the popularity of the Love Languages concept.
But for anyone who is somehow involved in scientific psychology it's obvious that the Five Love Languages concept doesn't suffice to describe and analyse the real complexity of human behaviour communication. There aren't only five distinct ways. And we don't have only one or two of those five. Each of us can probably use a variety of complex and mixed ways to show love, and which we chose depends on situational factors (like who are we showing our love? and in what surroundings are we?) and which would be near imposible to classify in only five subgroups. You might some need some nasty multi-dimensional factor model to describe it... eh I'll spare you the details of that.

Why am I saying that?
Well the Love Languages thing isn't some absolute truth. It's not something that is carved in stone. It's a gross oversimplification - though a somewhat helpful one - of human behaviour. Don't be overly obsessed with feeding it to your husband. Take it for what it is - a crutch to help you understand yourself - but accept that others aren't as convinced of it as you are.

That being said, I think your husband is being a sexist douchebag if he thinks that women only regurgitate things other women say and thus things women say aren't important. And it's even more douche-y if that includes the needs of his own wife.
Leaving the Love Languages aside, you could say you feel disrespected because he's not treating you the way you'd want and he's not telling you any good reasons for why he doesn't do things you'd want him to, but still expects and demands respect and sexual gratification from you?

If it's really some men-women issue he has then maybe another man he respects could show him how poorly he treats you (like, some church elder or some male friend of his and yours?) That's a poor solution because he *should* be respecting you regardless of gender, so asking another male to talk to him shouldn't be necessary. But maybe he needs someone else that has some role model authority to tell him that he's doing you wrong.
Another way to deal with his sexism would be to remove him from the sole provider role. So unless you have little kids that need your attention all day you could find a job yourself. That'd give you more independence and would even out the inequality. You would then have to understand that you're not his house maid.

He can be very stubborn. If it doesn't make sense to him that my feelings aren't real.

Now that sentence doesn't make sense to me.... your feelings are real, aren't they. Feelings may be irrational or even inappropriate, but they are real because you feel them?