Im gay, my father killed himself

[handy]

No apologies necessary, IS. You were (are) going through about as rough a time as any human being can.

I've not heard of PEARL before, but it sounds like a reasonable approach to life. It's interesting to note that, according to the Bible, one should be able to apply PEARL to nature and find the God Who created it. Romans 12:20 states "For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen being understood through what has been made..."

It's a mistake to think that before one becomes a person of faith in Christ, one must check one's reason and logic at the door. I'm glad that you're keeping an open mind. Jesus said that those who seek Him will find Him. I hope that you will continue to seek.

 

[defenderoftruth]

I feel terrible that you must go through such a painful experience. Don't let yourself forget that this is not your fault. People need time to grieve and come to terms with something as devastating as what you have endured. I think that you should probably seek professional help. Try to steer clear of medications if you can because they can greatly alter your thought process and try to remember that your on medication before you make a big decision. Also remember to stay open but as stated earlier don't push your views on others. As to the matter of if homosexuality is a sin. From my prospective as a Catholic homosexual tendencies themselves are not sinful it is however a mortal sin to act on those tendencies and have sex or enter in any type of homosexual romantic relationship. By mortal sin i do not mean it cannot be forgiven I mean that it is more severe than other sins. As an example you wont be sent straight to Hell for say stealing a pencil. I say this not to try to push my beliefs on you but to clarify. Well there's my two cents.

Sincerely Yours,
Bren

And as pointless as it may seem I'll be praying for you. God bless and good luck

 

[turnorburn]

I thank you for your kind words. But I emplore you not to tell me to fnd christ, I am an apostate through the lords ignorance towards me. Maybe one day when I'm emotionally stable again I can let people try and get me to reconvert. But considering what kind of emotional distress I'm in im sure its going to make things worse for me if you all start trying to rearrange my whole view on the world. On a christian forum people are generally friendly, the one thing you all do well is anti-troll; Its why im here.

For now, Can we please postpone the conversion. I apreciate that you are all meaning it with good intention and I apreciate that. makes me feel a little better here, even over the internet. My atheism doesnt stop me respecting christians. I'm not reaching out to god, I'm reaching out to fellow human beings who I know, because of their belief in something I see to be an illusion; it somehow creates a crowd mentality of goodwill to one and another because of a moral code written in a book that they have faith in and see past its flaws. Flaws I always saw when I was forced to go to church, when i was agnostic, even when I was a christian child.

Your advices will be listened to. and maybe one day ill look for god. But i guarentee you, It will be in the form of a skeptic. I wont be looking to accept god. merely asking everything i can, If i cannot refute him, he is one step closer to being a fact. Thankyou for the good words, they mean alot. It must seem pretty illogical to ask christians for help without wanting to reach to their spirituality, i apologise for it. I guess im not only an emotional wreck but an intellectual wreck to.


Oh, heres a question

Is homosexuality wrong? Even though my feelings for my boyfriend are absolute. so much that i know the risks and take them for him anyway. and him to.

Is Sodomy wrong? most dictionaries rearranged the wording to take the sting out of the truth. Two very large cities were consumed by fire and brimstone for their rebellion against God and everything sacred..

turnorburn

 

[shad]

Is homosexuality wrong?

Yes, it is wrong according to the Bible. This is Christian forum and we give advise what the Bible says. Christians live by the Bible. But we dont have right to push our faith to non-believers. All we can do is offering Jesus, and Jesus does not push Himself to anyone. He is only for people who wants to trust Him and serve Him with all their might. Jesus commands us to evangelize about Him and that's what we do too.

 

[turnorburn]

We need to be reformatted, we don't think like Jesus thinks, sugar coating things makes the situation worse.

James 4:1 From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?

4:2 Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.

4:3 Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.

4:4 Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.

4:5 Do ye think that the scripture saith in vain, The spirit that dwelleth in us lusteth to envy?

4:6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.

4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

4:8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.

4:9 Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness.

4:10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

4:11 Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge.

4:12 There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?

4:13 Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain:

4:14 Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

4:15 For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that.

4:16 But now ye rejoice in your boastings: all such rejoicing is evil.

4:17 Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.

We are in the last days, we've had all of the warnings we are going to get, the things of this world, who are they that contradict those things God hates imagine his expression when he returns it won't be as a lamb to slaughter.

turnorburn

 

[destiny]

Homosexuality is a demon, but you are still accountable for allowing your flesh to comply. If you are seriously seeking Jesus then you need to submit to HIm and then pray and fast until you get a breakthrough. Some demons will only be overcome through prayer and fasting.

 

[ArielIrene]

Inquisitive Skeptic,

First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I know what you are going through because I have two brothers-in-law who committed suicide.

Jim took his life 2+ years ago. He was very special to me, and I loved him dearly. Bobby took his life over 4 months ago. I had only met him once.

Even though Jim wasn't my real brother, there still was no escaping the guilt I personally felt. I can't imagine the guilt felt by my husband and his two sisters. It was no one's fault. Jim had a mental illness. But the guilt was there . . . "why didn't I call him that day?" and questions like that which really make little since, plagued me and this family for over 8 months, and my own grief didn't subside for over a year or so.

Having been in Christian forums before, and the fact that you are very open and frank about your homosexuality, leads me to believe that you already know the Christian views on being gay. So I won't go into all of that. That is for another day and another question.

What I can say to you is that your own mental state right now is normal and to be expected. You are so young to have this happen to you; especially to have a note like that written by your father. But keep looking at facts:

1. That your father was already suicidal and manic-depressive.
2. That your father loved you, because you felt safe in coming out to your father; that means that your father would never have written such a note had he been in his right mind.
3. That your father was drunk.
4. That if your father could take it all back; never hurt you and never blame you, he would.

I STRONGLY suggest seeking a support group for adult children survivors of parental suicide. You need the love of your friend, I'm sure. But you also need to be in a room with others who have the same kinds of stories to tell. I can't tell you how incredibly helpful that is.

I also suggest speaking with your mentor or advisor at college. Explain what happened and ask if you can take the rest of the semester (or more) off to give you time for grieving. I'm positive they will be more than willing to help you do that without any kind of fines or probation. BTW: it's the law.

Here are some links to support groups online:

http://www.road2healing.com/index.html? ... 2godLg66wg

http://www.forsuicidesurvivors.com/44.html

http://www.griefnet.org/support/sg2.html

Being an Atheist doesn't mean you don't need prayer. I say a simple prayer for you:

Father, I ask that You bring my new friend, the skeptic, many new friends who understand and have traveled the road he is now on. I ask that You protect Inquisitive Skeptic from those who claim to be Christians only to spread hate in Your Son's name. Father, send loving people to him and to his mother. Let them be comforted by Your people as well as any others who can help. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen

 

[ArielIrene]

We need to be reformatted, we don't think like Jesus thinks, sugar coating things makes the situation worse.

James 4:1 From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?

4:2 Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.

4:3 Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.

4:4 Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.

4:5 Do ye think that the scripture saith in vain, The spirit that dwelleth in us lusteth to envy?


4:6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.

4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

4:8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.

4:9 Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness.

4:10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

4:11 Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge.

4:12 There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?

4:13 Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain:

4:14 Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

4:15 For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that.

4:16 But now ye rejoice in your boastings: all such rejoicing is evil.

4:17 Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.

We are in the last days, we've had all of the warnings we are going to get, the things of this world, who are they that contradict those things God hates imagine his expression when he returns it won't be as a lamb to slaughter.

turnorburn

JAMES 7: 14 - 25 (New Living Testament)

Struggling with Sin
by the Apostle, Paul

14 So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. 15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[d] I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power[e] within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

Also, here is a PARTIAL list of things called abominations in the bible; included are lying, cheating on taxes, pride, and a haughty look:

Genesis 43:32
Genesis 46:34
Exodus 8:26 (2)
Leviticus 18:22
Leviticus 18:26
Leviticus 18:27
Leviticus 18:29
Deuteronomy 7:25
Deuteronomy 7:26
Deuteronomy 12:31
Deuteronomy 13:14
Deuteronomy 17:1
Deuteronomy 17:4
Deuteronomy 23:18
Deuteronomy 24:4
Deuteronomy 25:16
Deuteronomy 32:16
Psalms 88.8
Proverbs 3:32
Proverbs 11:1
Proverbs 11:20
Proverbs 12:22
Proverbs 15:8
Proverbs 15:9
Proverbs 15:26
Proverbs 16:5
Proverbs 20:10
Proverbs 20:23
Proverbs 21:27
Proverbs 24:9
Proverbs 26:25
Proverbs 28:9
Proverbs 29:27 (2)
Isaiah 1:13
Isaiah 41:24
Isaiah 44:19
Jeremiah 2:7
Jeremiah 6:15
Jeremiah 7:10
Jeremiah 8:12
Jeremiah 16:18
Jeremiah 32:35
Jeremiah 44:4
Jeremiah 44:22
Ezekiel 5:9
Ezekiel 5:11
Ezekiel 6:9
Ezekiel 6:11
Ezekiel 7:3
Ezekiel 7:4
Ezekiel 7:8
Ezekiel 7:9
Ezekiel 7:20
Ezekiel 8:6 (2)
Ezekiel 8:9
Ezekiel 8:13
Ezekiel 8:15
Ezekiel 8:17
Ezekiel 9:4
Ezekiel 11:18
Ezekiel 11:21
Ezekiel 12:16
Malachi 2:11

Christ only had one occasion to become physically violent, according to Scripture: at the money-changers tables inside the temple during the annual sacrifices.

Christ only had one occasion to openly expose sin: in front of a crowd of sinners, pagans, tax-collectors and non-Jews (He was often at the homes of these people by invitation. . . homes the Pharisees wouldn't touch with their hands). He gave a good long tongue-lashing to the religious leaders of that time. He called them hypocrites. He claimed they pretended to adhere to all of the law while judging and condemning others without compassion for those who were poor, lonely, sick, or lost.

Christ treated sinners of every kind with dignity, grace, and unconditional love; even unto death.

When a person has just lost his father like this young man has, would you cast a stone? Or would you treat him the way Christ treated the woman caught in adultery? The way Christ has treated you and me.

If I sound harsh, I'm not sorry, and I won't sugar-coat. Thinking like Christ comes when I read what Christ did with sinners (there were a lot of homosexuals back then, too). This young man needs a hero... a Savior seen through you and me Who is gentle and kind, and Who died for him; not bashed over the head with religious/spiritual two-by-fours.

 

[ArielIrene]

Homosexuality is a demon, but you are still accountable for allowing your flesh to comply. If you are seriously seeking Jesus then you need to submit to HIm and then pray and fast until you get a breakthrough. Some demons will only be overcome through prayer and fasting.

What a terrible thing to say to someone who has just lost his father like that. The scriptures do not claim homosexuality as a demon, but as sin. Did you ADD to the word of God? Is that a sin which will not be forgiven? Tricky, isn't it? And dumb. You and I were bought with a price. So was this young man. He deserves the love and kindness Christ showed in the Scriptures toward sinners. He never was mean to them. That's how he was able to save so many even before his death.

James 7:21 - 25 (New English Translation)
The Apostle Paul:

21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power[e] within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

 

[destiny]

Homosexuality is a demon, but you are still accountable for allowing your flesh to comply. If you are seriously seeking Jesus then you need to submit to HIm and then pray and fast until you get a breakthrough. Some demons will only be overcome through prayer and fasting.

What a terrible thing to say to someone who has just lost his father like that. The scriptures do not claim homosexuality as a demon, but as sin. Did you ADD to the word of God? Is that a sin which will not be forgiven? Tricky, isn't it? And dumb. You and I were bought with a price. So was this young man. He deserves the love and kindness Christ showed in the Scriptures toward sinners. He never was mean to them. That's how he was able to save so many even before his death.

James 7:21 - 25 (New English Translation)
The Apostle Paul:

21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power[e] within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

Yes, all lust and sexual acts are sin... but perversion is of satan. Telling someone how to be free is not hate unless you are a humanist who would see someone in hell before you would offer them any semblance of truth.

 

[jasoncran]

Homosexuality is a demon, but you are still accountable for allowing your flesh to comply. If you are seriously seeking Jesus then you need to submit to HIm and then pray and fast until you get a breakthrough. Some demons will only be overcome through prayer and fasting.

hmm. demonic possesion could manifest itself that way. but when i was bi, the name of the lord didnt cause me to react like the demon that was supposed in me would have. i went to church when i was in that sin. and the lord told me that i was in sin and needed to repent.

not all that have that struggle are demon possesed.

 

[destiny]

I know that personal prayer and fasting breaks strongholds.. and I know another soul won't know that unless they are told.

 

[jasoncran]

I know that personal prayer and fasting breaks strongholds.. and I know another soul won't know that unless they are told.

yes, that does happen, though not in my case.

 

[InquisitiveSkeptic]

Hi IS, Don't worry, your not going to be getting any "Jesus is the only answer" from me. I'm an Atheist as well, I'm straight, yet I love homosexual people as friends. Come to think of it, more than heterosexual people for that matter (no offense to anyone).

It is absolutely natural for someone to feel guilt, as well as a belief that whatever events that happened in a poor manner was this someones own fault. It is natural for this same someone to feel like they could have done something to stop or prevent such an event. And it is natural for this same someone to feel depression after such an event.

All I can say is that you are not alone through this tragedy.

As for your mother, I'd hold off on the news for a while - until she is able to gather herself again.

Such a serious case of depression cannot generally be because of a single event, but rather an accumulation of events over a period of time.

For an observer of this, all I can offer you when it comes to information and aid is merely to think of the good times you and your father have had, the times which he showed his undoubted love for you and the rest of his family. All too often people only look at the bad when it comes to a bad event. The people that focus on the bad the most are the people who recover from it the slowest.

Is homosexuality wrong? That, my friend, is the wrong questions to ask on this type of forum (no offense to any of the other members here). Homosexuality is just as "right" as Heterosexuality is. There is absolutely no difference at all other than an individuals attraction. I actually admire openly gay men and women. I not only think they are wonderful people, but they are intensely courageous and all too often more intelligent than my self! (not that sexuality has anything to do with that, I just happen to know a lot of very smart homosexuals :D ) If I were to have children, I'd actually prefer them to be gay than straight. Openly gay men and women present themselves in such a way that straight men and women seem to have complications with. I of course am talking about their confidence. When it comes to straight men, they have a tendency of being so afraid of losing their "manly-hood", or have such a drive to impress the other guys or girls that their weakness is their fear of humility (of course not in all, but a vast majority it would seem), their need to show how "straight" they are is their burden. Where as all the gay men I've met just enjoy themselves and their company, they tend to be much more civil, respectful, and healthy people.

A while ago I went with a few of my gay friends out on the town for a drink and they took me to a gay bar, of all things. I was worried that I didn't belong and that someone would find out my "un-homosexuality", i didn't really know what I was going to get in to. But the fact is, I loved that bar. No one was trying to pick a fight, no one was trying too hard to pick up someone who was absolutely not interested in them (or at least not as much as other bars). That bar had some of the most gorgeous girls I have ever seen, which took me by surprise, of course many were lesbians. Not only that, but I got a lot of drinks bought for me, which you don't see much of at other bars. To this day, that single bar was my absolute favorite over any other bar I've been to.

I seem to have strayed off the question though... Is homosexuality wrong? All I can say is that nothing natural can be considered wrong or right.

thankyou, and yes, i am on the wrong forum. mainly because I feel like since opening this thread im a proaganda magnet. they really only come for you when your weak.

to those im lashing out at here, I dont mean it. hey, im thinking straight again. I know I wouldnt ordinarily lash out at people who try and help. Why am I using his message to tell you this? Well. maybe you can learn something. That you dont need to propagandise your religeon to tell people about it. He hasnt told me to stay atheist, he hasnt told me to go to jesus. hes barely made any conclusion.

Its not nessicerily what I wanted to hear, but it was nice to read I thank Evontrinsic and the rest of you. your care makes me feel better. not your sympathy. but everyones answer is worth thinking about. Im sorry about my behaviour here, alot of it is irrational. I havent been myself untill recently

However, Destiny needs some mental help, probably to a greater extent than me.

Homosexuality is a demon, but you are still accountable for allowing your flesh to comply. If you are seriously seeking Jesus then you need to submit to HIm and then pray and fast until you get a breakthrough. Some demons will only be overcome through prayer and fasting.

 

[LaMont Cranston]

In my experience, people have a tendency to underestimate how powerful it is to find forgiveness for ourselves and others. We hear a lot about forgiveness, but what is often not said is that the first person we have to forgive is ourselves. In fact, I seriously doubt that it is possible to love and forgive others more than it is possible to forgive ourselves.

The act of forgiving frees the individual to move on with his or her life. That doesn't mean that you lose your memories of what has happened in your life; you don't. The fact that you remember something doesn't mean that you have to carry around anger, grief, hate, vengeance or other negative feelings toward yourself or others.

In the case of your father, find a way to forgive yourself and him. One of the problems with forgiveness is that as soon as somebody mentions it, many people start to think "Oh, boy, he's about to lay a Jesus trip on me." The truth about forgiveness is that it is an act that is available to everybody; you don't have to believe in God to forgive, but, for many of us, it helps. That's one of the many advantages of believing in God.

As for your gayness, I often think that Christians are very heavy handed about their attitudes toward gay people. If we are all sinners, then "let he who is without sin cast the first stone." It seems to me that if there is a time and a place where God judges people on how they lived their lives, then I'm more than willing to let that judgement be in the hands of God. In the meantime, I find it is so much better to love all of our fellow brothers and sisters for who they are, no matter how different they might appear to be from us.

Best wishes!

 

[jasoncran]

who says that calling gay a sin isnt love. if i wasnt rebuked by a friend, i'm not have repented but still be in that bisexual sin. the problem with the christians is not that they call it sin, the approach they often condemn rather then inform and tell them that they need to repent. and aslo they judge the lbgt sin as the worst when all sin leads to hell if left unrepented.

i have been guilty of that.

 

[turnorburn]

destiny wrote:Homosexuality is a demon, but you are still accountable for allowing your flesh to comply. If you are seriously seeking Jesus then you need to submit to HIm and then pray and fast until you get a breakthrough. Some demons will only be overcome through prayer and fasting.

Destiny is absolutely correct.

 

[randon]

Im an atheist, I'm not looking for prayer. I'm looking for something more valuable. Christian advice. even though i dont believe in god, you guys sometimes have the best answers. I got banned from another christian forum recently for asking too many difficult questions it seems that forum cant defend itself against scrutiny. but thats not the point.


The point is, Recently Id come out as gay to my father. Who met my boyfriend and all seemed to go ok. he acted with the obvious suprise and all. but nothing seemed out of the ordinary

Well no one told me he was already close to the edge in manic depression.

The next morning i woke up to a distraught mom, my father had jumped off the roof of the house in drunken suicide. The note hed had in his jacket was rather expletive and suggestive that my coming out to him was a final straw. Although i deny it to my mom now, im afraid she will go crazy to if I admit. This is about 8 weeks after the incident, im on antidepressants and suffering a majorly unstable mind.

What do i do? I feel like i killed my father... I know im probably going to get suggestions to rethink my sexuality. but im 19, failing university from this depression. Im perectly capable of it, but i can't concentrate anymore. One thing I know its perfectly impossible that I'm straight. Ive tried having girlfriends... no connection. what i feel when talking to a girl is nothing like how i feel when i have my boyfriend. I need help. My mind is everywhere at once.

You are not to blame for your father's death. His depression is. Depression is a tragically misunderstood illness that can cripple you emotionally and cause you to lose control of your mental faculties. Even some anti-depressants (Prozac, for example) have been known to cause suicidal tendancies, which makes it a double-whammy for someone who is clinically depressed to start with.

Jesus commanded that we not judge others, so IMO your sexuality is your own business.

 

[ChristianPioneer]

Wow, as person I can sympathize with you. My heart goes out to you and your family. To imagine what you must be going through internally is depressing even for me. I understand that you are an atheist and do not believe in God, but here is small token of wisdom. Maybe God has placed you in the forum with believers to show you that he truly does exist. I am not going to preach to you, but I ask you to do one thing. Go to a church, any church and you don't have to stay for the whole service but go there and simply do this:

Close your eyes and say: "God, I am not a believer in you or your word. I just don't believe that you exist. If somewhere out there you truly do exist, I ask you to work a miracle in my life so that will know that you do exist. Cure my depression, rescue me from my iniquities and make my life do a complete 360."

If you do this and nothing happens, then you will have the same beliefs you always had. If you do this and something does happen....you know the rest.

Bless you!