I'm in need of advice...

[jesseedavis]

How do I deal with sexual frustration in a way that glorifies God?

I'm 22 years old, my wife is 19. We've been married for almost 11 months and she's 19 weeks pregnant. As a young man and a newlywed at that, I have a very difficult time turning off. Before the pregnancy, we were both all go, all the time. Since being pregnant, almost instantly when she found out, it was like a switch got flipped. She was at peace, knowing that despite problems that run in her family, she was able to have children, and overwhelmingly joyful that we were going to have a baby! But at the same time, she kinda distanced herself from me and our sex life just fell off the map. It seems like every excuse she could make, she was determined to make. Stress from being pregnant while also working 20 hours or so and being a full-time college student, worries about miscarriages, mild symptoms like headaches and cramping, just not being in the mood, yeast infection, etc. Regardless of what information she would find to ease her mind or what her doctor would tell her and regardless of how wonderful of a day it had been, when it came time to lay down with each other at the end of the day, all the excuses came out and she just wanted me to rub her back and cuddle with her until she fell asleep.

Since her first trimester was virtually no different than her second, there was never that phase of renewed libido. With the second trimester almost over and her belly starting to grow tremendously, I'm left wondering how I'm going to cope for the next 3 or 4 months. Then, of course, when would we find the time to have sex between the little sleep we'll get, and the attention the baby will need. So, when exactly will we be able to have sex again?

Don't get me wrong, we do occasionally have sex. At least once every couple of weeks, usually once a week, she'll let me have sex with her. But its so hard to be satisfied with it when I am rushed to finish up from the start, and it feels like I'm the only one that has to participate. When we're done, its roll over and go to sleep. All this in about 5 minutes...

I know I'm probably being selfish and I should just lay my life down for her, forget about my needs, and just be a loving husband for her. I want that, but this is when my question arises, how do I cope with being turned on all the time with no release? It wouldn't be such an issue if in being turned on I wasn't tempted to lust after other women in movies or watch porn on the laptop like I did for years. Then there's the issue of not using my own wife as just some image to lust after and get off to.

Any advice?

 

[reba]

You might ask the guys about this..

Pregnancy messes us up a lot ... hormones go off the charts and each one of us is different. Each pregnancy is different....

Keep talking to her....Tell her how you feel and think and allow her to do the same.

 

[Danus]

This might be better served in the Men's section, but I think the ladies could offer some advice.

Sounds like you have a couple of issues going here. One being communication with your wife, the other dealing with lust. There is a fine line between lust and "sex drive", the latter often being used as a better term to add legitimacy, of justification to the former.

Are the two of you Christians? Is there a Christian perspective your seeking on this?

 

[reba]

Just ask to have this sent to mens and i will get it going.....

 

[jesseedavis]

Just ask to have this sent to mens and i will get it going.....

Well, I thought since this was sort of a marital thing that this was the right place for it. I was hoping for advice from women as well. As guys wouldn't know exactly what its like to be pregnant, I was hoping that women could offer some advice from the other side of things.

However, I'm new to the forums and to the community, so wherever you would feel it fits in best, I'm all for it!

 

[Mike]

I'm a guy, I've never been pregnant, my wife has several times, and yes, I think you are being completely self-absorbed and selfish. :yes

Sorry. I'm trying to say it nicely with a smile on my face, but it's gotta be said, IMO. Your wife, your new bride, is baring your child. Apparently, there is a history of pregnancy complications, and through this amazing life event, you are absorbed with your own desires. Yup... selfish, indeed. It sounds like you were prepared to hear that, so there it is.

Oh, by the way, welcome to CFnet!

I'm not saying men turn it off like a switch and become asexual, but nowhere in your thread did you offer a balance to your main goal. There might be more to what you are feeling about your wife and child, so I'd like to offer you the opportunity to redeem yourself.

My wife could come on here and roll out a list of things I've handled wrong, so I'm not Mr. Husband of the Year, but I can't relate to the way you can't relate to her. When Julie became pregnant for the first time, her welfare became the foremost thing in my mind followed closely by our child's. I have no doubt that you love your wife and have great dreams about being a dad, which makes your lack of protective instincts so puzzling.

My advice? Cold showers, and more importantly, some time in prayer that He eliminates this one-track-mind from being the thing that drives you. You should be enjoying this as much as she is, and being her comforter when she worries about her family history. LOVE YOUR WIFE and LOVE YOUR BABY!! Don't miss out on this incredible time!

 

[jesseedavis]

This might be better served in the Men's section, but I think the ladies could offer some advice.

Sounds like you have a couple of issues going here. One being communication with your wife, the other dealing with lust. There is a fine line between lust and "sex drive", the latter often being used as a better term to add legitimacy, of justification to the former.

Are the two of you Christians? Is there a Christian perspective your seeking on this?

Hey Danus, we are indeed Christians. Not to drag it out too much, we both became overwhelmed with things and had issues with sin, including premarital sex, for a while. After a few different things happened, we put an abrupt halt to it, and after some time apart we got married. Though it's been off and on for a while, about a month ago I said enough was enough and committed myself to His will. She's been very willing to join me in attending church, but she's told me that she needs a little more time. All this to say that yes we are indeed Christians, but as for seeking God's view on things and advice, for now I'm sorta on my own with it.

It can be difficult to communicate at times, mainly because I feel like I'm nagging or like I shouldn't be pushy about sex all the time or something like that. After turning to porn for a few months (while I was still determined to ignore and run from Christ) and her finding out, our communication has grown significantly. Everything has grown significantly actually, since we both realized we had problems that we were ignoring.

I've never thought of someone being able to "lust" after their wife the same as lusting after someone that doesn't belong to them. This is something I pray God will help me understand.

 

[Danus]

Hey Danus, we are indeed Christians. Not to drag it out too much, we both became overwhelmed with things and had issues with sin, including premarital sex, for a while. After a few different things happened, we put an abrupt halt to it, and after some time apart we got married. Though it's been off and on for a while, about a month ago I said enough was enough and committed myself to His will. She's been very willing to join me in attending church, but she's told me that she needs a little more time. All this to say that yes we are indeed Christians, but as for seeking God's view on things and advice, for now I'm sorta on my own with it.

It can be difficult to communicate at times, mainly because I feel like I'm nagging or like I shouldn't be pushy about sex all the time or something like that. After turning to porn for a few months (while I was still determined to ignore and run from Christ) and her finding out, our communication has grown significantly. Everything has grown significantly actually, since we both realized we had problems that we were ignoring.

I've never thought of someone being able to "lust" after their wife the same as lusting after someone that doesn't belong to them. This is something I pray God will help me understand.

Thanks for that. There is an honesty and sincerity from your post that I do appreciate reading, but I have to lean towards Mikes advice a bit.

Trust me, the birth of your child and the marriage to your wife in this time is far more important than sex.

Lust can also be a term used to describe an insatiable appetite for self gratification, be it your wife or porn or whatever. If the sex with your wife is not mutual and shared in an intimate loving relationship, then to her it's not any worse having it with you, then it is for you not having it from her.

 

[jesseedavis]

Thanks for that. There is an honesty and sincerity from your post that I do appreciate reading, but I have to lean towards Mikes advice a bit.

Trust me, the birth of your child and the marriage to your wife in this time is far more important than sex.

Lust can also be a term used to describe an insatiable appetite for self gratification, be it your wife or porn or whatever. If the sex with your wife is not mutual and shared in an intimate loving relationship, then to her it's not any worse having it with you, then it is for you not having it from her.

I think now is a good time to broaden things a bit. One thing I've found about forums is its incredibly difficult to post everything about anything, which also makes it difficult to communicate effectively at times.

I've noticed I go through a typical cycle and it seems to be the same cycle from before Christ. Everything's fine and sex is the farthest thing from my mind, then something gets me excited, I get obsessive about it, I satisfy my lust, and things start over. For years, this was many times a day as I was absolutely hooked on porn. I think much of this, despite a 4 year gap or so, is replaying in our marriage.

You guys are absolutely right! Mike, Danus, reading your comments hit the nail on the head. It just made sense to me! Thanks!

 

[Danus]

I think now is a good time to broaden things a bit. One thing I've found about forums is its incredibly difficult to post everything about anything, which also makes it difficult to communicate effectively at times.

I've noticed I go through a typical cycle and it seems to be the same cycle from before Christ. Everything's fine and sex is the farthest thing from my mind, then something gets me excited, I get obsessive about it, I satisfy my lust, and things start over. For years, this was many times a day as I was absolutely hooked on porn. I think much of this, despite a 4 year gap or so, is replaying in our marriage.

You guys are absolutely right! Mike, Danus, reading your comments hit the nail on the head. It just made sense to me! Thanks!

Mike can get you hooked into the Men's section. That's a better place for us to discuss your lust issues, resources, and advice from a Christian men's perspective .

It sounds to me that you love you wife. You guys are very young and have come of age in a time that I would describe as an overtly sexually stimulated culture, where sexual themes are everywhere; A time where open sexual attitudes have been firmly woven into the fabric of our everyday culture effecting our lives; much more than my day in the 80's or Mike's day growing up in the 50's

The influence of the world culture today is a big part of the problem for many in terms of not understanding sexual intimacy within a marriage. A time where some young women aspire to hold a sexual power over men, and some men see women as an object of gratification, where neither see the other as the recipient of the real intimate love they have been designed to offer the other; Still many have simply merged the word love with = sex.

As Christians we are not to be "of" this world (Culturally) but only "in" this world. We are here to allow the glory of God to shine "through" us, not from us, but through us, and to this lost world. That's how God works, through his people. That is the Christian life.

So, in saying that, as you develop in Christ you will find yourself separating more and more from the world, and the culture that feed you these corruptible ideas about sex that have offered you nothing, but to feed you lust and ask for more; That have left you feeling empty, not satisfied, discouraged, and perhaps even lonely in your own marriage; and you know something is not right.

Don't be ashamed, or discouraged. There is great hope in the truth of God's word, and his plan for you.

The good news is there is a lot of great Christian material out there to help you, and your wife. Also, this is an issue that no Christian is a stranger to in one way or another. The bad news is that Satan is going to keep pushing your buttons and sometimes it may be hard to distinguish the truth from the lie. You will stumble and fall but as you work with God and his people, you will be picked back up.

You can have freedom from sexual sin, and you will develop a more mature Godly attitude towards sex that will strengthen you in your walk with God, and in your marriage. And someday you will pass God's strength on to someone else, most notable your child. That is your legacy. Everyone leaves a legacy. Make it a good one worth knowing.

You will find that God has a great plan for you and your wife. Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV) 11 For I know the plans I have for you,†declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Marriage is not easy. Just ask my wife. But, a Christ centered marriage is full of great joy, and hope and unity that God wants for you and your wife as well as the best sex you can ever experience when the two of you allow God to lead your marriage in the direction he has for you. Let him be in the center of that, and he will help you lead this great effort in your marriage and family as you follow Him daily. The Christian life is a daily practice. We are infilled with the Spirit, but like leaky vessels, so go to the well often.

 

[Mike]

I think now is a good time to broaden things a bit. One thing I've found about forums is its incredibly difficult to post everything about anything, which also makes it difficult to communicate effectively at times.

I've noticed I go through a typical cycle and it seems to be the same cycle from before Christ. Everything's fine and sex is the farthest thing from my mind, then something gets me excited, I get obsessive about it, I satisfy my lust, and things start over. For years, this was many times a day as I was absolutely hooked on porn. I think much of this, despite a 4 year gap or so, is replaying in our marriage.

You guys are absolutely right! Mike, Danus, reading your comments hit the nail on the head. It just made sense to me! Thanks!

Jesse,

Nice post. Honest and insightful. I know there's a lot more to you than what you shared in your OP. I was just trying to draw it out and also shake you up a bit. You need to seize this day and experience your wife's pregnancy along with her, or you will regret it. Your past addiction to porn doesn't define you now, but I think this is a clear example of how it defiled the marital bed. Its impact on marriages, specifically sex within a marriage, is devastating.

Honestly, I think you need to humbly ask for your wife's forgiveness, even if there were times you still feel she withheld herself unfairly. Every morning in my prayer time, I ask God to more fully instill a heart for my wife; one that cares deeply for what she cares about when I don't really care about it, listens when I don't want to listen, understands her anxiety when I don't share it, and loves her deeply even when I'm not really feeling it. Because, with all those things, I fall tremendously short.

I believe if you humble yourself and ask for her forgiveness, your heart will be opened to her needs and she will respond. She's still going to be pregnant, so she probably won't be meeting your physical desires, but your gesture will build a bridge that sounds severed.

 

[Mike]

much more than my day in the 80's or Mike's day growing up in the 50's

I'm nowhere near that old, you little punk!

Jesse, if you want to join the Men's Locker Room, you can request access through your profile page on the left side in the user-groups section. We'd love to have you, and I hope to hear more from you.

 

[Danus]

I'm nowhere near that old, you little punk!

:toofunny...got'em

 

[handy]

Hi Jesse, welcome to the forum... Hope we can help you out here.

I know I'm probably being selfish and I should just lay my life down for her, forget about my needs, and just be a loving husband for her.

No, you shouldn't forget about your needs. That's neither biblical nor helpful. You won't remain a loving husband for long if you try it this way.

There are two concerns here... One is that you need to be able to appreciate the fact that your wife is coping with quite a bit right now... part-time job, college, newly wed, pregnant, worried about the pregnancy... and you need to be able to help alleviate her stress rather than add to it.

At the same time, the Scriptures definitely tell married couples to only abstain for a little while.. that sex should be a normal and regular part of your married life.

It sounds as if the two of you are having sex... just not very satisfying sex for you, and most likely "duty" sex for her (which isn't satisfying either).

Even though you're at a prime right now... it's part of a loving husband to exercise some self-control for his wife's sake... but it's also not exactly fair to place the entire burden on you.

Unless there is some medical reason why the two of you shouldn't have sex, then you should... perhaps not daily... but if once a week isn't enough, then it should be more...

What can be changed here is the attitudes both of you are bringing to this new phase of your marriage...

As with all things, open communication is a key here... Talk things over with her, listen to her needs and lovingly explain your own with the goal of being able to work it out so that she is getting the rest and "cuddling" she needs and you are getting the release you need and sex remains the intimacy builder within your marriage it's supposed to be, rather than a huge elephant in the room.

If you struggle with lust, porn and other things... then the guys here can help you with that in the Locker Room... but that's not necessarily going to eliminate your problem.

I'm saying this because too often, sex becomes less important for a woman after she's had a child than for the man... and while I think any man can temporarily put his desires on hold for a limited time... there is a danger that the "limited time" might become a habitual issue.

After all... at the end of the pregnancy, there will be a totally helpless, totally dependent upon the two of you new person in your lives.... How's that going to help increase your sex life?

It's a fair question... and one that needs to start being addressed by the two of you now that she's growing less interested in sex than you... and you're feeling the brunt of it.

Some open conversation is in order here... as well as an openness upon both your parts to exploring new ways to connect to each other sexually... so that you can both be satisfied and in tune with each other.

Oh... and make sure that you are doing your part by helping out with the housework, taking on some of her chores so that she can get some extra rest... etc. Nothing worse than a hubby who expects his wife to be in school, work part time, do all the housework, cook supper, do the dishes, then drag her pregnant body to bed for his enjoyment... Not saying you're doing this at all... but it happens to. Pamper her outside the bedroom and she'll likely be more willing to pamper you within it.

I don't know if you've ever heard of the "Marriage Bed"... it's a Christian Website regarding healthy sex. I've not read the entire site, so I'm not advocating everything they might say... but the information I have seen on there seems pretty good. You and your wife might want to read through certain of their articles together to jump start some conversations. Worth a look-see at any rate:

http://site.themarriagebed.com/front-page

 

[jesseedavis]

Hi Jesse, welcome to the forum... Hope we can help you out here.

No, you shouldn't forget about your needs. That's neither biblical nor helpful. You won't remain a loving husband for long if you try it this way.

There are two concerns here... One is that you need to be able to appreciate the fact that your wife is coping with quite a bit right now... part-time job, college, newly wed, pregnant, worried about the pregnancy... and you need to be able to help alleviate her stress rather than add to it.

At the same time, the Scriptures definitely tell married couples to only abstain for a little while.. that sex should be a normal and regular part of your married life.

It sounds as if the two of you are having sex... just not very satisfying sex for you, and most likely "duty" sex for her (which isn't satisfying either).

Even though you're at a prime right now... it's part of a loving husband to exercise some self-control for his wife's sake... but it's also not exactly fair to place the entire burden on you.

Unless there is some medical reason why the two of you shouldn't have sex, then you should... perhaps not daily... but if once a week isn't enough, then it should be more...

What can be changed here is the attitudes both of you are bringing to this new phase of your marriage...

As with all things, open communication is a key here... Talk things over with her, listen to her needs and lovingly explain your own with the goal of being able to work it out so that she is getting the rest and "cuddling" she needs and you are getting the release you need and sex remains the intimacy builder within your marriage it's supposed to be, rather than a huge elephant in the room.

If you struggle with lust, porn and other things... then the guys here can help you with that in the Locker Room... but that's not necessarily going to eliminate your problem.

I'm saying this because too often, sex becomes less important for a woman after she's had a child than for the man... and while I think any man can temporarily put his desires on hold for a limited time... there is a danger that the "limited time" might become a habitual issue.

After all... at the end of the pregnancy, there will be a totally helpless, totally dependent upon the two of you new person in your lives.... How's that going to help increase your sex life?

It's a fair question... and one that needs to start being addressed by the two of you now that she's growing less interested in sex than you... and you're feeling the brunt of it.

Some open conversation is in order here... as well as an openness upon both your parts to exploring new ways to connect to each other sexually... so that you can both be satisfied and in tune with each other.

Oh... and make sure that you are doing your part by helping out with the housework, taking on some of her chores so that she can get some extra rest... etc. Nothing worse than a hubby who expects his wife to be in school, work part time, do all the housework, cook supper, do the dishes, then drag her pregnant body to bed for his enjoyment... Not saying you're doing this at all... but it happens to. Pamper her outside the bedroom and she'll likely be more willing to pamper you within it.

I don't know if you've ever heard of the "Marriage Bed"... it's a Christian Website regarding healthy sex. I've not read the entire site, so I'm not advocating everything they might say... but the information I have seen on there seems pretty good. You and your wife might want to read through certain of their articles together to jump start some conversations. Worth a look-see at any rate:

http://site.themarriagebed.com/front-page

I have recently stumbled upon that site and I'm loving it the more I read it.

This post helps out a little and was what I was hoping for, for one specific reason. Other than secular garbage responses all over the web about how to deal with sexual frustration and stuff, a common thing I see among Christian advice and stuff is what you mentioned, "Pamper her outside the bedroom and she'll likely be more willing to pamper you within it." This is why I posted on a forum this time around instead of just further looking at impersonal sites with impersonal articles giving general "to married people" audiences.

This is where most of my frustration lies. I really do lay everything down for her, (well obviously not everything, but I'll explain...) I do all the cleaning and work around the place, laundry, etc. I do almost all of the cooking, excepts being lunches when I'm not home and microwavable stuff or just sandwiches, which even still I do most of the time. I spend almost every dime outside our budget on her, frankly because I love doing it and I don't need anything. I love surprising her with flowers randomly at work and with candle-lit baths and dinners and stuff like that. Not too often, but just enough that it's not expected and definitely enjoyed! Every night, I gently rub her back until she falls asleep and cuddle with her, talking about anything and everything, before falling asleep myself. I know I'm really sounding selfish, and trust me, I am being selfish, I'm sure of it. Please don't misunderstand me, I LOVE doing all of this and any chance I can do SO much more for her I jump on it. I can't help it, she's my queen and she deserves every bit of the man she married.

I say all this to ask the most selfish question that I've just tried and tried to ignore or to put aside, where's my pampering and attention? I mean I do not ask much, and though I'd gladly take it, I do not dare ask or beg or whatever to get her to have sex multiple times a day or even every day.

We talk about this often, and I've even tried ways to coerce her into doing stuff for me that I'm really not proud of. That was before I came back to Christ and stopped taking advice from those who just don't know or understand Love. Again, I have talked with her and her response is usually a positive, "Sure....I can do that." Then when it comes time to help with laundry or do dishes or something like that, it just never gets done and a week later I tire of asking and just do it. My parents told me that it's gonna be rough for a while, but that's marriage. She'll come around and I know this, but what do I do in the mean time?

Thank you so much Handy, I apologize for the complaining and all the selfishness, I really do forgive her and it isn't nearly as big of a deal as I keep making it into. Again, any advice?

 

[jesseedavis]

I need to clear something up before it gets too far. My wife is amazing! My posts make her out to be the bad guy, she really isn't, trust me! She may not have sex often anymore, and when we do, it doesn't seem to satisfy much or for long, BUT that isn't every time. We do have great sex! Talking to her about this, she often has hip pain that really hurts her, or she's emotional because of hormones. I usually am more than a bad guy at these points. The other thing is that almost any position is either tiring for her or painful for her. We've found something that works for us, but as we have a futon for a bed currently, it's not exactly comfortable for her. :/

I also need to clarify on housework and stuff as well. My previous post doesn't really portray this, so I want to bring it up ASAP. We live in a small 5x16 room in my parents' garage. We've lived there since last September or October and we finally, praise God!, move into an apartment of our own in June. I say that to say that when I talk about dishes, I don't mean washing dishes, I mean taking them inside the house and stuff. About the extent of things is just washing what we use and she is fabulous at that! Keeping the room clean, at least during the pregnancy, is not something I want her even attempting to do. It requires too much work with the futon, which is hard enough to fold up for me let alone her and moving things around. Tiny room, so lots of moving and no room for two people during the process, we've tried. All there is for yard work is mowing, which I do every other week or so to help my dad out. (He hates mowing. lol) This doesn't necessarily take her off the hook of literally never washing laundry or taking the trash out. The trash only consists of paper towels, kleenex, and plastic cups and wrappers, so not heavy in the slightest.

She also says that when we move into the apartment and everything is ours, she'll be more apt to do a lot around the house, I know this sounds a little harsh, but seeing how she was at home with her dad and sister and how she's been here, I'm going to have to see that first. In the mean time, I plan on doing virtually all of it. The other thing is that, besides the baby, for a while the house will be her only responsibility.

As far as other stuff goes, there really isn't much there. She does take me out often, sometimes we fight about who's taking who out, actually. She does buy me treats while we're at the store and stuff, and she really, REALLY loves and cares for me. What seems to get under my skin a bit is that there isn't any little tiny, insignificant things throughout the day that she does. No back rubs after a long day, no baths, and when I'm sick, forget it, as far as she's concerned I can handle it myself. Just the little stuff like that.

SO! Please keep all this in mind and realize just how incredibly selfish my previous posts are, but also realize my concerns about all the stuff around the house and how one-sided it can be at times. Also, please realize that on a typical day, everything is fine. Its the 3 or 4 days of not having sex and stuff or the weeks and weeks of not helping me with little stuff around the house or going throughout each day knowing that if I'm sore and achy or if I'm sick or if I need help rubbing something on my back, then I have to find some way to work it out myself or else spend a few days begging her for help. It's these days when I need the advice and encouragement.

 

[handy]

Jesse,

First of all, I don't think you're being selfish, nor do I think you're complaining. I think you have a legitimate problem, one that should be discussed....

I think one of the many negative aspects of the women's movement has been that everyone thinks a woman's every need must be attended to, but a man's needs are viewed as selfish. This isn't true at all. She should be wanting to pamper you as well. She really should. And, frankly, for a young man your age... and I'd say this to you if you were my son or son-in-law... sex is a big part of pampering you. It's not selfish... it's the way your biology works. Yes, the other kind of pampering is important too, but so is the sex.

Now that we've established that you are in fact doing as much as you can to alleviate her workload and stress level and that you're not coercing her into sex (at least any longer), that there is no medical or physical reason for the two of you not to have sex at least a few times a week, then it's more than reasonable to start delving into why she doesn't want sex.

Granted, it's hard to feel sexy when one is dealing with hormones, weight gain, puking, water retention, heartburn, swelling...

But, you said that she started distancing herself almost as soon as she knew she was pregnant. So, perhaps there is a lot more to this than simply the pregnancy.... I've been pregnant a couple of times myself... I don't really think the pregnancy is the issue here.

One thing I do want you to be aware of is that a lot of women are very timid about talking to their husbands if he isn't fully satisfying her sexually. It's a very hard thing to do... even for fully mature women, and at 19, she isn't a fully mature woman, and your marriage is still so new. If you take the lead in opening up the discussion and show her that you really want to work this out for both of your sakes, then perhaps she will open up.

I hate to break it to you... but it might *MIGHT* be that either you weren't really satisfying her needs before she got pregnant, making it all "duty" sex for her... or, after she got pregnant and changed physically, the same sexual activity is no longer enough to satisfy her... so she's more or less using the pregnancy to get out of having to do something that is very unpleasant.

And, here is where things are very different between men and women... I think most men have the idea that sex is either fantastic, great, good, or meh... but never really BAD. For women, sex can be BAD... especially if it isn't satisfying, it can be really BAD.

So, this is one important area of discussion you need to have with her... Talk with her and let her know that you truly want to understand this from her point of view...and ask her if, since she's now pregnant, if sex just isn't satisfying for her... let her know that you are open to trying out different things to make it a better experience for her...

Another important area of discussion would be how she really feels about the porn... One thing most women struggle with is body image... If you were into porn, she probably felt that you weren't all that satisfied with her body... There are very few women who feel that they can compete with the porn stars... and now she's pregnant and really feeling less than her beautiful self. This is one of the reasons why porn is so destructive in a relationship. I'm not trying to beat you up about it... you've already repented... just pointing out that this might be one of the consequences and it's important to really discuss this with her.

Frankly, it might simply be that the pregnancy hormones has just caused her libido to bottom out... If that's the case, then again, the two of you need to discuss how you can have sex in a mutually satisfying way... even if at first she's really just not in the mood. When the Bible tells us to not deprive each other except for a limited time, I don't think the time limit is 10 months to a year (depending upon when she'll get back "in the mood" after the baby is born.) It doesn't seem at all right to ask this of you.

You kids are so young.. (no, not the 50's for me either, but you are young enough to be my son)... and your marriage is so new, that the real issue you face is communication. But, it is important to work through this... For the sake of the marriage as well as for your sake.

As I've mentioned, the Bible tells us that married couples are not to deprive each other except for a limited time. But, then again, we don't want a situation where sex is looked upon as one of life's more unpleasant duties. Good communication, patience and understanding will go a long way towards helping the two of you work this out.

And, again, No. You are not being selfish or complaintive. You are facing a legitimate issue in your marriage.. One that might simply go away after the baby is born, or one that might, if not handled correctly, become a serious problem in your marriage.

 

[jesseedavis]

Thanks Handy! I'm really timid when it comes to communicating face-to-face. I fumble over words and tend to mess every thought up on its way out. Essentially, I tend to be very organized in my mind, but in conversation I just can't get it out right. Funny thing is that my wife is kinda similar so the two of us communicating is pretty entertaining, at least at first. It gets frustrating quickly.

Anyways, I sent her a message on Facebook telling her whats on my mind. (She's at work so...) She won't get to read it until after work, and she'll be right next to me, so please pray that we'll actually be able to communicate and work things out.

 

[jesseedavis]

:'( Wow things went horrible...right from the start...oh well, i shouldve known not to even bother....this is not the first argument and to be honest, i dont think theres anything i can do to make her look inside herself...i just cant wait til she comes back to Christ

 

[handy]

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23

Sorry to hear things didn't go well this time around. I posted the reminder of the fruit of the Spirit basically because... well... you'll need to draw upon the fruit in order to work through this. Don't give up... prayerfully wait until another moment. Patience, gentleness, self-control... I'm sure you're not the first husband with a pregnant wife who will need to ask for a double helping.

She most likely got defensive... but now that your thoughts are out on the table, give her some time to allow them to sink in.... and keep in mind that, even if she isn't living for the Lord right now, if she is a Christian and since you, her husband are seeking God's will in this... you have a lot going for you as far as working this out eventually for the positive.

Hey, I didn't promise that it would be easy.