I'd agree that sex should not be the reason one get's married, but I also tend to agree that sex is a large deciding factor, for many. It's unfortunate.
In some church mens groups, I've been involved in, inevitably this subject comes up. Usually it's someone struggling with lust, and often that man is married. I can't count the times I've heard some men wonder why they have these issues when they are married, and often times blame their spouse by saying something like; "She just does not fulfill my needs."
How many times do we hear the world express sex as a "need"? A lot. So much so that we have also expressed sex as a need in conversations about marriage in the church. I don't want to sound like a prude, but I've come to believe that sex is not a need. Not one bit. Not for anyone.
I know that sounds a bit off the rails, but I really don't think so. Water is a need. Shelter, clothing, food. We NEED these things just to survive. Certainly sex is a need of the human race, but it's not a basic need for individual survival. It's a desire, and nothing more.
In teaching my kids about money, I tell them that we have needs and wants, and it's important to know the difference. That's also true when it comes to our spiritual life, which I firmly also believe is reflected in how we manage our money as well.
So I tell my kids that a NEED is something you have to buy but don't necessarily want to buy. An example might be a toilet plunger LOL. Dishes, a coffee maker, light bulbs. LOL....the list goes on. A WANT is something you don't need to buy but desire to buy. An example might be an ice cream treat, or a movie ticket.
The real testing of ones spirit comes when their needs meet their desires face to face. For example, I need a car. Do I buy an expensive luxury car or a practical used car? If I bought the expensive luxury car it would fill a real need for a car, but I've simply added my desire on top to justify the need.
We can and do the same thing when it comes to marriage, I think.
Surely there is a need in marriage. I need for companionship. A need to love someone intimately (not necessarily sex). A need to be love and known intimately also, to be connected as one. We are made in Gods Image in this way, and I can't think of a more beautiful model of Godly love than marriage. But, we, in our sinfulness, also tend to incorporate our desires, and it's the doing of that, that causes us to stumble. It's that reason that marriages fell the most.
People marry others for status, sex, money, power. These things are desires, and when these types of things dictate who we marry and why, our doom rushes upon us in due time.
I was reading this story today about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. OK, in my defense, I like the band Cold Play, but If you're aware of these two you'll know they recently announce their divorce after 10 years. The story attempted to explain the reasons behind the split, and the more I read the more it was clear to me that these two did not have a clue about marriage to begin with. Each seemed to be in it for themselves, and what the marriage would do, or what they thought it would do, for themselves personally.
I'm no less guilty of this. I married at 20 and divorced at 25. Met God shortly after, but my first marriage was no less selfish. No less route with my own desires and void of anything meaningful or real.
Sometimes a desire can be just that, and we can know it for what it is. We may act on it, like buying a movie ticket. But sometimes our desires mingle with our needs. That's when we need to be careful and reflect on our consciousness. We need to know what it is we need, and what it is we desire so that we can keep the two appropriately separate.
Is it Ok for a married couple to desire sex with one another; to be attracted sexually to each other? Sure it is. It's a gift from God, but understand it's not a need.
people who don't understand the difference between their desires and their needs will mix the two together when their desires mingle with their needs, and when that happens they do things like calling sex love, or believe they are "falling" in love because they are sexually attracted to someone.
We often hear the homosexual crowd talking about the freedom to marry who they love.??? This is why they say these things. Heck it's why teenagers say these things. They have no real understanding of the difference between needs and desires, and so they merge the two, and when we do that, when we merge our needs and desires, we can justify anything we "want".
God teaches us the difference about our needs and our desires. He has never promised to meet our desires ...I have to be careful here, but stay with me..... Rather, God has promised to meet our needs, But in doing so, what I firmly believe happens in the Christian heart, is that our needs become our desires.
