Married for 3 years yet no significant quarrel

[Classik]

Wife say's to husband, 'Honey, how is it possible that we are married for 3 years yet we have not had any significant quarrel or disagreement - no bitter disagreement???'


Husband replies, bewildered and terrified, 'Quarrel, honey?'



And pastor has already taught this: It's not a bed of roses. There must be bitter quarrels - otherwise such a marriage is false and dangerous.


And Classik asks this simply question, 'Isn't this wife out of her mind?'

 

[CORE]

And pastor has already taught this: It's not a bed of roses. There must be bitter quarrels - otherwise such a marriage is false and dangerous.
'

I would ask that pastor to cite a biblical reference for that claim.

I'm so sick of hearing that fighting is normal and healthy...

Well maybe it's normal in this fallen world, but that doesn't make it right.

I'm reminded of Isaiah 5:20 - Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!

 

[farouk]

Wife say's to husband, 'Honey, how is it possible that we are married for 3 years yet we have not had any significant quarrel or disagreement - no bitter disagreement???'


Husband replies, bewildered and terrified, 'Quarrel, honey?'



And pastor has already taught this: It's not a bed of roses. There must be bitter quarrels - otherwise such a marriage is false and dangerous.


And Classik asks this simply question, 'Isn't this wife out of her mind?'

Well, I don't know where this preacher got this idea from. Not from the Bible, anyway, that I know of.

Blessings.

 

[Christ_empowered]

I dunno...it seems like some godly couples manage to keep things going without too much in the way of fighting. I know of one such couple that kept going for 26 years (2nd marriage for both) w/o significant issues. Might have also been because both were mistreated by their ex-spouses, so they were each that much more eager to make a good marriage the second time around.

I don't think (speaking as an unmarried, ex-gay guy, lol) that fighting=healthy relationship. Might not = dysfunctional relationship, either, but I don't think quarrels are necessary.

 

[AirDancer]

Classik :

No, the wife in your example is not out of her mind. Quarrels and fights do not happen to every married couple. The couple I admired most when I was growing up saw their 35th wedding anniversary with an intact record of having never quarreled or fought. They made the agreement to always talk things through so nothing could fester. And even after 35 years, they were very much in love with each other. They raised two fine children, who held the same attitude about marriage, and to this day remain married to their one & only respective spouses.

Marriage really can be a healthy relationship that allows both to grow & mature, without the negativity.

 

[jasoncran]

I wish I had that track record.

 

[Edward]

For real. Not quarreling is an accomplishment and not a meaning that something is wrong!

Tell them to quit looking for reasons to doubt the truth. That is Satan speaking. He's mad because they got it on the ball, lol. He's trying to drag them down. A flag that they are on the right track.

 

[Claudya]

Really torn on that issue.
On the one hand mature people, especially christians and especially lovers should be capable of solving the conflicts that will inevitably occure in a relationship or marriage in a peaceful and loving way that meets the interestes of both.
My grand parents were married for more than 70 years (they both lived long), they were happy and in love until my grandfather died at age 97, and I don't remember them quarrelling much. They told me stories of "fights" they had that were rather funny and resolved quickly, nothing that would really cause negative emotions.
From my own experience it seems to me that good conflict solving skills in a relationship will give both a sense of safety and closeness. But it's also important not to avoid a conflict, but to solve it in a loving way without fighting, i.e. without a sense of aggression on either side, and with the wellbeing of the other in mind rather than "winning".

On the other hand, the people we love most are the ones that are in the position to push our buttons. Personally I'm not the best example of sanity, my buttons are pushed way too easily. A love story without fighting wouldn't feel alive and real to me. I'd start fights even if there are no relevant conflicts. That's how I lost all my previous relationships. But it seems that to me love combined with anger is more intense than just love, and serves my need to push people away, and thus some part of me needs that like a drug. Not to mention the awesome intense and emotionally charged sex you can have during or right after a prolonged fight.
Can people really feel happy and fulfilled without all those emotional ups and downs? My rational mind says yes and that's what it should be, but I know that y heart is far from being like that.

 

[Edward]

When conflicts do arise, I think it is important to see beyond the emotions and realize that the upset or anger identifies caring and love inasmuch as if they did not care, they would be indifferent to you. So don't take offense. Understand the dynamics of frustration.

Love for another is a one way street my brothers and sisters. Love is not dependent upon their return of the same. Do you love them?...Not if they love you...Do you love them? Period. It is nice if they love you too, of course. But, love has no expectations or it is deception. There are what? Five fulfillment areas that mankind has been conditioned to expect to go along with love and marriage? If one or more of these expectations are not met for one, then disappointment sets in and frustration. Perhaps leaving one with the idea that maybe they are not loved. If a quarrel occurs, then it is important to be able to set aside negative emotions and try to see and identify the area in which the partner is disappointed in, and (in love) give to them their hearts desire.

One key to a happy marriage is: If you are arguing, and it turns out that you are right...apologize at once!
(that is no typo) Love is humble.

 

[jasoncran]

Really torn on that issue.
On the one hand mature people, especially christians and especially lovers should be capable of solving the conflicts that will inevitably occure in a relationship or marriage in a peaceful and loving way that meets the interestes of both.
My grand parents were married for more than 70 years (they both lived long), they were happy and in love until my grandfather died at age 97, and I don't remember them quarrelling much. They told me stories of "fights" they had that were rather funny and resolved quickly, nothing that would really cause negative emotions.
From my own experience it seems to me that good conflict solving skills in a relationship will give both a sense of safety and closeness. But it's also important not to avoid a conflict, but to solve it in a loving way without fighting, i.e. without a sense of aggression on either side, and with the wellbeing of the other in mind rather than "winning".

On the other hand, the people we love most are the ones that are in the position to push our buttons. Personally I'm not the best example of sanity, my buttons are pushed way too easily. A love story without fighting wouldn't feel alive and real to me. I'd start fights even if there are no relevant conflicts. That's how I lost all my previous relationships. But it seems that to me love combined with anger is more intense than just love, and serves my need to push people away, and thus some part of me needs that like a drug. Not to mention the awesome intense and emotionally charged sex you can have during or right after a prolonged fight.
Can people really feel happy and fulfilled without all those emotional ups and downs? My rational mind says yes and that's what it should be, but I know that y heart is far from being like that.

when I am that mad. the idea of sex is gone even if we make up. why? when I am that mad I will go into from being wide awake to tired and depressed in seconds. to the point I wont drive. I will fall asleep at the wheel. no thanks.

 

[Classik]

sorry for late replies. I had to believe the preacher to a degree tho. Marriage is not a bed of roses. There must be quarrels - not fights. But they should settle their problems immediately.

Many have testified their relationships got better after quarrels.

I have noticed dad wear a frown...and mom would pucker her mouth and lament quietly. Yes there is a problem. It doesn't last at all. The next thing dad does is laugh hysterically and mom reluctantly joins in the laughter....and the problem become totally lost and forgotten.



But that other neighbor.....I don't like those blows

 

[Classik]

I think the topic is so true but the use of significant is truly false.

 

[Knotical]

This really comes down to personalities and how much either one holds on to their pride. My wife and I are rather even-keeled people and do not get into arguments much. That being said, we have had our share of disagreements, we just have never really gotten into shouting matches about anything.

I may have lost my temper, but it usually about something unimportant and was usually at the end of a long day. It doesn't make it right, it just happened.

One thing I am extremely thankful for is that though we generally live pretty much on the edge, financially speaking, we have never blamed the other for our situation. This could be because we both grew up in poor families and are used to it to a degree, but when it comes to major disagreements we tend to talk it out, or if it is more difficult we get our pastor or an elder involved.

 

[reba]

what is a fight? what is a quarrel ?

 

[Knotical]

what is a fight? what is a quarrel ?

I think a quarrel is something you put arrows in.

 

[reba]

arrows might lead to a fight

 

[Knotical]

arrows might lead to a fight

Nah, you are pretty much already in a fight if arrows are involved.

 

[reba]

OK we are through