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[__ Prayer __] pray an end to my "humbling experiences"

Christ_empowered

Christ_empowered

Member
Age 20 I was hospitalized following an OD that turned me violent. The docs at the (private, for profit) hospital diagnosed severe Narcissism and kept me until my (very good) insurance ran out, then took me off said insurance. The "treatment team" decided they would subject me to "humbling experiences," which basically involved telling people my confidential info and encouraging them to be cruel to me.

I don't remember the 1st round of "humbling experiences," because a) I was seriously brain damaged and b) I was heavily electroshocked age 23. Most of my memories before and for a while after all that shock are gone forever.

A lot happened after the shock, but..basically, because I filed a Medical Board Complaint against a shrink, I'm considered a "trouble maker." I know that people in my neighborhood have been told details of my treatment that are supposed to be confidential, because they've taunted me with it. The shrink I filed the complaint against filed criminal charges when I sent emails expressing my thoughts+feelings on the situation, so now I have a misdemeanor (Praise God for that...the original charges were a serious felony). Now my neighbors taunt me, saying "Your public defender can't keep you out of prison!," even though my dad hired an "excellent attorney" (the sentencing judge's exact words).

Now, I will say that these "humbling experiences" have produced some good results...only because of Christ. I got saved 3 years ago and moved back in w/ my parents around the same time. I've learned a lot about the "real world" as I've also recovered (by God's grace) from the shock and everything else. "wise as serpents, innocent as doves." "In the world, but not of it." On and on it goes...I think the "pressure" has probably resulted in somewhat faster maturation and growth than would have happened otherwise. Something like that.

Now, my parents have forgiven me for being such a terrible creature until Jesus saved me. There's genuine warmth in our relationship. This is all because of Christ.

I get that people around here have a problem with me, but I think a lot of it is a power issue. this one set of neighbors...they'll yell at me, but when I look over in their direction (they have a chain link fence), they'll shut up and/or say "I don't want him looking over here." A person who lives behind my parents back yard (there's a row of houses back there) came up to his fence, started at me, and said "Why is that faggot looking over here?" I was just sitting under a tree smoking a Camel. Ugh.

See, my parents "weren't important enough" for me to receive decent treatment, apparently. "Rinky dink middle class," to quote one neighbor. Thing is...they're both well-educated and upwardly mobile, so now they're "important enough" and have more resources, etc. Elitism really makes me mad, for obvious reasons. Basically, my parents weren't "important enough" and I wasn't "good enough" for mental health "professionals," so they ran up bills on the insurance and didn't do their jobs. My personal favorite was when I was allowed to OD on Restoril (old school, Valium type sleeping pill) and wet myself in my room at a "good hospital." All I remember is being semi-conscious and hearing some orderly saying I needed to be in a hospital, because I was turning purple. Awesome. Isn't mental health, inc. amazing?

OK, I'm rambling. I'm learning to forgive, but this is ridiculous. I've been described as "uppity," the neigbors have yellled at me to "learn your place in society," etc. I mean, yeah, its The South, but...leave me alone, you know? Oh, and...people 'round here pulled a Taylor Colleti (sp?) on me. That was fun.

Ramble ramble...point is, I'm asking for prayer that this stops, hopefully sometime soon. Please also pray that I learn to truly forgive and show Christ to people, especially when they're deliberately cruel to me.

Thanks. :)
 
Sounds like God is sending you through this trial. You just need to pray to Him to reveal what His purpose is. Every trial is designed to bring you closer to Him, as long as your pride doesn't get the better of you.
 
Christ_empowered said:
pray that I learn to truly forgive and show Christ to people, especially when they're deliberately cruel to me.
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Dear Brother CE, forgiveness is truly the only way you'll ever be free of the demons (figure of speech) tormenting you. I may have given you this example before, but it seems you're in need of a reread.

Forgiving One You Hate

There was the supposedly true story of a man that hated another person in the church he attended so much, he would cross the street to avoid coming face to face with them. Let’s call him Eugene.

The hatred grew worse to the point of wanting to quit attending the assembly, and he finally talked to the pastor about it. The pastor told him that he knew how to fix it, but that he knew the man asking wouldn’t do it.

Oh yes I will pastor, I will do anything to get rid of this hate. No you wouldn’t - Yes I will. Okay I want you to go home tonight and pray for Eugene for God to bless him before you go to sleep, and then first thing in the morning you do the same every day, and continue that for two weeks.

I will not do that! :grumpy I knew you wouldn’t. :biggrin2 Well I promised I would, and I will. :sad (avatar faces inserted for effect, and I don’t know if I’m telling it right).

That night: God please bless Eugene; ….. …..God You know I don’t mean that, I hate that guy, and he goes to bed mad. The next morning was more of the same, but as the days went by the hardness in him began to soften, the prayers became longer, and the hurt he felt became less.

By the end of the two weeks, he again went to his pastor with a smile on his face and said, you were right pastor, I want Eugene blessed more than anyone I know, and the hate is gone.

I liked the story, because it helped me to understand some of what Jesus prayed for us, even though we didn’t deserve it either.

Christ_empowered said:
I was just sitting under a tree smoking a Camel
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I've ate smoked bacon and ham, but camel sounds awful.
.
 
Empowered,

Difficult for me to leave this thread without saying something.
But what?
Your ordeal was huge in nature and besides that, is ongoing.
In a world that neither accepts Jesus or understands Him and thus does not understand humanity in general.
Fear of God is the beginning of wisdom..
But there is no fear of God, so man continues to live in the dark.
John 1:9-10
There was the true light which, coming into the world, enlightens every man.
He was the light of the world...and the world did not know Him.

John 1:12
But as many as received Him, He gave the right to become children of God.

The dark cannot stand the light, and thus you're a disturbance to the neighbors.
But you're not a disturbance to God - and that's what counts.

Do what Eugene said. Pray for the people in the dark.
And thank God each night that you've come to know Him.

And I can tell you, being a certain age, that ALL things pass.

Wondering
 
I've been praying for my enemies. What I say is "please bless them above and beyond what they actually need," since I think sometimes we all tend to miss what we actually need in life.

I guess they're not gonna stop any time soon. Here's the thing...7 years ago, I attacked my dad. Terrible, terrible thing to do. I was perfectly wretched. He's a good man. I could have gone to prison for 7 years (no lie; when I was in jail, they handed me a sheet w/ the charges on it, and the time I was looking at, and it said XYZ for the charges and then 7 years. crazy, huh?), but instead my parents worked out a deal w/ the prosecutor...I went to Teen Challenge in another state then did counseling, anger management, and volunteer work. In exchange, the charges were dropped and the arrest record was erased (expunged). Soooo...

...people had a serious problem with me before I got saved, 3 years ago. OK, they had a serious problem with me before I flipped out on my dad, too. But getting saved set things into motion...I'm out of my brain damged, shock treatment haze and now bright eye and surprisingly intelligent. I'm also remarkably healthy physically, to the point that I look a little bit younger than my age. My "spiritual awakening," as the shrinks call it, has changed my personality. These sorts of things are apparently NOT supposed to happen for "over the hill flamers" and "used up flamers" and "common criminals."

For me...I'm big on the "washed and made clean" aspect of faith in Christ, for obvious reasons.

Now, I'm left wondering...what to do? I pray for "what I need to bear up under what comes my way," and God's been good to provide it, just not as much as I want or when I want it (I know..patience...patience...wait upon The Lord...).

I actually just through praying for this neighborhood, specifically. Thing is...tomorrow, day after that...I'll be harassed again. I need to learn how to deal appropriately while it happens and also not get caught up in it. I have other things (my faith, school, my parents, etc.) to think about and focus on. These people around me just make it difficult...a few times I can think of, they've been in the yard, yelling stuff. Other times they'll yell things so I can hear in my bedroom.

Ugh. As always...thanks for the replies.
 
Empowered,

You're a walking miracle! You're the person preachers preach about.

Everything is good in your post and all sounds good. Re your neighbors there's only one thing you could do: Ignore them! It's not as easy as it sounds but you get used to it and then you just ignore them out of habit and then you can hardly hear them anymore. They're the ones who need the help from God now.

People have dark hearts. They're afraid, they have things in their own life that you might remind them of. Who knows. Maybe they're just ignorant and haven't joined the 21st century yet. People are chock full of the sin nature. The book of Romans helped me a lot to understand myself and also others and why they do things.

Sounds like you have wonderful parents who love you and will help you no matter what. You're lucky in this regard too. You're young and sometimes when we're young we expect problems to be taken care of within the 60 minute time frame of TV programs! Well, that's not life. Just slow down a bit. Appreciate the good and wait for the bad to pass. Stay close to God no matter what.

It can't always be good
And the bad doesn't last forever

Wondering
 
Angel said:
I agree.
It's saddening and weird how people can be so heartless. :sad
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I'll never understand people like that. Life is so much easier to live and enjoy when we're able to smile and share a laugh with others.

And the Mama Bear in me wants to have a show down with our dear Christ_empowered's neighbors ... they would learn a lesson or two about loving one's neighbor as one's self.
 
AirDancer said:
I'll never understand people like that. Life is so much easier to live and enjoy when we're able to smile and share a laugh with others.

And the Mama Bear in me wants to have a show down with our dear Christ_empowered's neighbors ... they would learn a lesson or two about loving one's neighbor as one's self.
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Air Dancer,

I doubt they would either listen or learn.

Don't we all know people like this? I do.
They're either envious (not necessarily of the person they're persecuting) or they're resentful about something, or they're just in the dark, which is true most of the time.

They see the light in you. It's hard to take. They wonder how you could be enjoying life and they're not. They're a sad bunch, let me tell you. I live where there are many small towns and people there seem to be like this more so; although, I must say, things are changing for the younger generation. Thank God.

Sometime I see a change, but it's late in life and much time has been wasted.

This is my menu: Keep away from, Ignore, Pray a lot for. (help if necessary and if asked in any occasion).

Wondering
 
The beat goes on...and on...

The neighbors yell sometimes. My room is downstairs, two of the windows face out towards the one particularly vocal set of neighbors. Same ole same ole..."faggot," for the millionth time. I get it, I do.

Thing is...what I was subjected to had nothing to do with "helping" me or really "treatment;" it was just teaching a then ugly, messed up human being "a lesson." See, this is why I pray sometimes (OK, often) that I won't always require meds. Meds are fine, OK, but Mental Health, Inc....they can be vicious. Of course, this time around...if I hadn't been diagnosed "severely Bipolar I w/psychotic features and obsessive tendencies," I'd probably have a felony. Weird, huh?

My parents have forgiven me...I think so, anwyay. We talk, there's warmth in our relationship. They care about me, I care about them...its beautiful, God's work in our lives.

I'm hoping that the neighbors chill out eventually. I pray the The Lord saves and blesses them and also that he "mellows them out." Honestly...when they keep talking about "warrrants," "prison," "probation violations," etc....it does get under my skin. Its supposed to, obviously. I'm blessed that my parents had the time, money, and inclination to get me a good attorney. These people clearly had not-so-great plans for me. For instance, once, this lady over there yelled out "He's gettin too big for his britches. Time to send him to Bull Street!" (Bull Street is the psycho-prison in SC. Maximum security PLUS heavy meds and electroshock). That was a while ago now, but...wow. Just...wow.

They've been in the yard, too. Again, its a power issue: I'm low on the totem pole, so I'm supposed to deal with what they dish out ("take it like a man") and not do anything ("too uppity" "too big for his britches," etc.).

I'm venting, yet again. Thanks for all the helpful responses. :)
 
Christ_empowered said:
The beat goes on...and on...

The neighbors yell sometimes. My room is downstairs, two of the windows face out towards the one particularly vocal set of neighbors. Same ole same ole..."faggot," for the millionth time. I get it, I do.

Thing is...what I was subjected to had nothing to do with "helping" me or really "treatment;" it was just teaching a then ugly, messed up human being "a lesson." See, this is why I pray sometimes (OK, often) that I won't always require meds. Meds are fine, OK, but Mental Health, Inc....they can be vicious. Of course, this time around...if I hadn't been diagnosed "severely Bipolar I w/psychotic features and obsessive tendencies," I'd probably have a felony. Weird, huh?

My parents have forgiven me...I think so, anwyay. We talk, there's warmth in our relationship. They care about me, I care about them...its beautiful, God's work in our lives.

I'm hoping that the neighbors chill out eventually. I pray the The Lord saves and blesses them and also that he "mellows them out." Honestly...when they keep talking about "warrrants," "prison," "probation violations," etc....it does get under my skin. Its supposed to, obviously. I'm blessed that my parents had the time, money, and inclination to get me a good attorney. These people clearly had not-so-great plans for me. For instance, once, this lady over there yelled out "He's gettin too big for his britches. Time to send him to Bull Street!" (Bull Street is the psycho-prison in SC. Maximum security PLUS heavy meds and electroshock). That was a while ago now, but...wow. Just...wow.

They've been in the yard, too. Again, its a power issue: I'm low on the totem pole, so I'm supposed to deal with what they dish out ("take it like a man") and not do anything ("too uppity" "too big for his britches," etc.).

I'm venting, yet again. Thanks for all the helpful responses. :)
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Vent all you want to empowered. You,re due it and we're here for you.

Wondering
 
Hi CE

I wish I could do something or say something to make things go away but I can somehow relate to what you going through.
You know, know matter who you are there will always be people who dislike you and discredit you even if you try your best to please them. That is just life. If they mature adults they would never behave like that and it says so much about themselves. It shouldn't matter what they think because if they did, they would make the time to get to know you better.
So what do you do when they pass these comments? I would just pray to God for strength.
Life is not easy and it will never be, the road will be bumpy and we will get obstacles in our way but God is with us in our trials.
Try focus and make a list of 20 things you should be thankful for, like a warm bed to sleep in and a roof over your head, your relationship with God and the person you now to the person you were, loving parents, you empowering yourself by studying, you healthy, the list goes on and on...
You stronger than what you were yesterday and anything is possible with God in your life. Just keep praying and live in faith and hope, try to have a positive mindset. Look at how far you have come and just imagine what you can be and become??
You in my prayers.
 
Thanks for the input, everyone.

Thing is...a lot of the torment I went through was because I was sooo far gone and wasn't ever supposed to recover. "It'd take a miracle for him to recover" is what I believe one of my ex-shrinks told people. Well...

I finally got saved--sinner's prayer and all--3 years ago, and now it seems that I've recovered from "treatment." I also need meds for what I suppose was the problem all along...either schizophrenia w/ mood problems or Bipolar I w/ psychosis. Opinions vary, the meds are the same either way. My current treatment people say I had problems from a young age, which makes sense. The shrinks who put me through it for being a "trouble maker" have decided that I "recently developed Schizophrenia." Nobody seems to care about my opinion or listen to my narrative of my life, so...I just roll with it.

I have a better quality of life than many severely mentally ill people in the US. Its so strange...the government will spend massive $$$$ on hospitals, shrink visits, fancy new meds...but they don't provide a whole lot of $$$ for the "patient," nor do they generally provide as much coverage for talk therapy as they do for pills and such.

I can't complain, of course. The disability money goes straight to my (loving, kind, long suffering, wonderful) parents, who dole most of it out to me. It reduces my burden on them considerably, and I'm very thankful. Its just...I think about the people in group homes and such who could contribute more to society, given just a little bit more in resources, and...its sad, really.

Blah blah blah...I'm rambling. The neighbors harass me and there's not a whole lot I can do about it. I pray for them, I keep on keepin' on. Its just...it gets rough when you're outside and people are talking (deliberately loud enough for me to hear, of course) about information that was/is supposed to be confidential. Such is the life of a mentally ill "trouble maker" in the south.

Again: can't complain too much. My people have really warmed up to me recently, and there's warmth in our relationship, warmth that had long been absent. I think it helps, of course, that I'm going to Liberty and doing well, helps that I've matured, helps that...well, The Lord has done a lot for me, in terms of changing me and also changing my situation, so...I'm not the same (in a good way, of course).

I still some pride issues and such to deal with, but I don't think I'm prideful and self-centered to the point that its hurting others or me. Its a flaw, not a disease/disorder. The bona fide mental problems, though...those somehow intensified over the years, despite "treatment." Actually...as I've recovered from it all, I've had to do more to manage "it" than I did before. I guess...heavy shock shuts people up, but doesn't really do a whole lot else. When and if you recover from it...its back to the Miracle Meds.

Ugh. Rambling, still. I appreciate all the prayers and replies. This place...has been very, very good to and for me. I should say the people here have been, rather. Thanks for all that :) .
 
Do you think they wanted you to die when you got shocked? Do you think they're mad you survived? Do they know you are Christian? They may be persecuting you because of your faith, and how your life has turned around for the better. Like me, you, and many other people here, God gave us a second chance. We've gotta seize it firmly! We must not commit the same mistakes. We must walk with God. And sometimes its hard, but it's not impossible, and always it is for our own good.

I used to smoke a lot of weed. When I was 19 I smoked more than a joint every day for 6 months straight. Usually I would just smoke myself to sleep. If I wasn't smoking I would drink beer. Before I was put on medication, alcohol helped me mellow out hallucination wise. I haven't touched alcohol since 2006 and I never will again. I'm not tempted, either.

I used to be promiscuous. I've never gotten pregnant because I'm pretty sure I'm barren. When I was homeless I was so afraid, I needed a man to protect me, so I would trade sex for security. It was the only security I had.

Then God rescued me from the kingdom of darkness and brought me into the Kingdom of his dear Son... Colossians 1:13

He's done the same for you. :)
 
Wow, Angel. Thanks for sharing more of you testimony. I see some common themes in both our pre-Jesus lives and also in how Christ has worked in our lives. Awesome.

So, to answer your questions at the beginning...I think the shock treatments were punitive in nature. This set of shrinks insists that I was severely, beyond all hope, Narcissistic (NPD). I was involuntarily shocked at age 20 and again at 23. The first round...I didn't even know what had happened until I had to get a brain scan. Turns out...they scrambled my brain. Awesome.

As for persecution for my faith or just being mad that I survived...I think its more they're angry about God's work in my life and...I wasn't supposed to live this long, so there's that, too. While I was living in a small, southern, college town, age 20-22, people said I'd be "dead by 23." Age 23, I moved to finish a degree...went crazy, got shocked again. The second round really, really did me in. I mean, I was so far gone, I didn't realize how far gone I was...until after Christ restored my sense unto me.

I don't know that I'm being persecuted for my faith so much as (like I wrote above) people--the shrinks in particular, it seems--have a "problem" with what Christ has done in my life. I'm now physically healthy (I even have pretty hair and beautiful skin, lol), at peace with my once estranged parents, remarkably (miraculously?) smart...smart enough to get that degree, at long last. I was left dead eyed after the 1st hospital, and now I have remarkably bright eyes. I don't want to fall into the cliche, anti-psychiatry narrative of "oh, those evil shrinks, blah blah blah," but...seriously: some (many?) mental health "professionals" are cruel and domineering.
 
Why do they shock people for NPD? What purpose does it achieve? What do you mean when you said the shocks scrambled your brain? What happened exactly? Why did "they" expect you to be dead so young?

I know what a blessing it is to have your relationship restored with your family. It is so precious. I am very glad things are getting better for you in that regard. If you didn't have them your life would be ..hell. That's the way it was to me. Family and good relationships are the most important thing in life.
 
They don't generally shock people for NPD. I don't know what the reasoning was...I mean, from my perpsective, they were just trying to do me in, make me more "manageable," etc. Shrinks do that to "trouble makers."

Now, I'm not NPD, but the ex-shrinks say I'm Schizophrenic. The current shrink says I'm severely Bipolar I w/psychotic features. I mean, 6 of one, 1/2 dozen of the other, but...the Bipolar diagnosis is less stigmatizing, so I kind of prefer it.

People around here have a problem with me. Dudes, I think, may just be more vocal about it. Just last night, that one set of neighbors was at it again, calling me a "faggot," etc. etc. etc. I get it, you know?

What's interesting...when I was still actively gay, people weren't this hard down mean. I got saved and started pursuing celibacy, and now I"m considered a "faggot." Awesome. See what I'm saying? If I just called myself a Christian and kept on being who I was, things would be cool. If I called myself a Christian, but The Lord hadn't seen fit to move mightily in my life, things would be cool. I got saved 3 years ago and now I'm already a completely different person...and that's apparently not cool.

Ugh. I'm blessed to have my family. They've forgiven me, they love me, they let me stay here and recover and do my school work, etc. They even got me that attorney when one of my ex-shrinks tried to have me sent to jail. I ended up w/ a misdemeanor (albeit a serious one) and probation. I don't think the ex-shrinks are all that happpy, honestly.

Venting, yet again. Thanks for the replies and everything.
 
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