[__ Prayer __] pray an end to my "humbling experiences"

[LoveHope&Faith]

praying for you

 

[Angel]

Hey Angel....

I spent a couple minutes on the bridge, and a police officer came and got me. He called an ambulance, I was sedated, and I woke up in a mental hospital. The Klonopin+Ambien combo was for anxiety and sleep, but...teenagers really shouldn't be treated like that, especially long term. Causes problems.

Sorry about your wait at the clinic. I'm glad they like you. I don't know how the people at my clinic feel about me. They have their own pharmacy? That's pretty cool. My pharmacy messed up my last refill, too.

Thanks for keeping up with me.

Hello my friend!
I hope you are having a fun, happy day!
May God be your covering, and bless you with peace.

I've had moments like you did on the bridge, but, I'm not going to talk about it because it won't profit either of us any. The first time I was hospitalized I was only 14. Then I was hospitalized in my early 20's 6 times. My last was in 2011. I've been recovering ever since. You see, around here if you need your medicine changed you have to go to a hospital so you can be watched in case of any side effects. But, you also have to be really sick. So, I deal with my illness, no matter how bad it is, because its a waste of my time when I can just manage myself the best I can while my medicine is adjusted.

One of the coping skills I've learned is to ask people what they think of you. You can start with people here. You can ask your case manager, or your Christian Counselor. I bet he'd have some nice things to say.

I'll start: You are compassionate, and offer prayers to others here. You're smart. You have long-suffering. You are a witness. You are an example of receiving God's strength. And this verse comes to mind:

Isaiah 40:31
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

My clinic does not have a pharmacy. It's pretty far away from there. You know... I'm not sure why I can't just get the prescription myself... I'll have to ask the nurse about that. One of the reasons I think my medication works so well is because it puts me in deep sleep at night and I always wake up in peace. The best parts of my days are the first 3 hours after I have woken up.

 

[Christ_empowered]

hey angel...

Thanks for your reply, as always. I must have misread your post or something about the pharmacy issue.

Thats sad that you have to go to a hospital for med changes. Here...the state-funded hospital is so overworked (I'd like to thank Gov. Nikki Haley for her budget cuts, btw) that its mostly for involuntary admissions (read: people get committed there). The private hospitals are more accessible, but also cost $$$ and tend to get as much as they can out of your medical coverage and then cut you loose. Trust me, I've been there.

I'm glad you think well of me. I've changed completely...I think...since I got saved all of 3 years ago. Hasn't been long, but...The Lord has done a work in my life, thank goodness. Its strange though...when you are who you are 24/7/365 and then you're transformed by Christ...its hard to remember: I'm not that person now, when you think back upon things. I'm getting better at it, which is good, because I've recently "recovered from treatment" (read: unexpectedly recovered from drugs, heavy meds, a blow to the head, ODs, and heavy shock) and some memories have somehow returned to me. It makes me wonder...where do memories go, really? How does one "recover" if your brain cells have been deliberately scrambled?

You're a real blessing to me and others on the board. I think our mental issues are similar, even though they call mine some flavor Bipolar I (I will say, though, the anti-epilpesy/mood-stabilizing meds do seem to help...I'm calmer, that's for sure...).

I'm really, really tired of the harassment and pain, that's for sure. But, I was reading and...apparently, the thing to do is pray for your enemies and pray for what you need to deal with what comes your way. So, that's what I've been doing. I can even name some of my enemies (sadly, a lot of them are "mental health professionals" who put me through Hell) by name and I"m actually mellowing out a lot. I also pray for "what I need to bear up under what comes my way," and the Good Lord has been good to provide it. I mean, not all at once...I'm not suddenly uber-tough and letting everything roll off of me, far from it...but I can handle bullies and frustration and name calling better than I could before.

My school (re)starts Monday. I'm excited. I have 1 more economics class, this time Macroeconomics. I was thinking about you the other day, and I wondered...do they have Peer Support people at the clinic you go to? Some do (more progressive ones, I guess). They could train you and get you involved in patient care. I don't know what the pay would be like, or if it'd be something you'd want to consider while on disability. That's one of my problems...they are forever reviewing my disability, and sometimes I feel like...well, I feel like if I do anything productive, they'll stop disability, and then I won't be able to afford treatment without my parents having to shell out (once again), and that's not fair to them. I get that disability is for the disabled, but what if you genuinely want to recover and just need some time and support getting from Point A to Point B? Ugh.

I've rambled quite enough, lol. Thanks again for your post.

 

[Angel]

Hey!

I am so excited for you that you get to go back to school again! You are doing such a good job!

There is in fact a peer support program, but for here you need a car, and we don't own one. I think I would do well though, if I could. Plus, if I worked, I would lose my disability. Good idea though!

So what drink do you suggest from DD? I just might go get one. :D

 

[Christ_empowered]

i get iced+flavored coffees or lattes, usually. Big ones (large, baby, large!). They may still have peppermint mocha available (its seasonal). If not...mocha, caramel, or...get ready...mocha caramel, together in one drink.

Mine just started doing macchiatos, which is a level of fancy-ness that I'm simply not accustomed to. I got a big one, iced (of course). It was alright. Kinda...harsh, in a weird way. I dunno.

I'm not big on the donuts, but they do have good muffins, and if its the AM you can get a bagel with cream cheese. I recommend the everything bagel.

 

[Angel]

Sounds nummy! I have a Starbucks gift card I need to use...Got it at Christmas.
Today is pretty peaceful for me. No anxiety. Enjoying the quiet. I'm going to watch a Joyce Meyer broadcast and also read some of the Bible.
What verses help you when you are stressed out?

 

[Christ_empowered]

Matthew 6:34

 

[Angel]

Good one!

 

[Christ_empowered]

Me again. Thank you for your replies. This thread has been helpful to me.

I think a lot of what I went through boils down to what they neighbor dudes used to say..."f@ggots don't matter." I mean, that was harsh and cruel, but the deal is...I was a flamer from a working class family in The Bible Belt ("1,000 miles wide, 1 inch deep"). My so-called "humbling experiences" mainly involved mean spirited people being...well...mean. Imagine that.

The neighbors talked about warrants and/or probation violations today a bit. I didn't listen to most of it, thankfully. Thing is, talk like that triggers a lot of "what ifs..." in my mind that I don't like to deal with. What if I get arrested? What if I have to call my dad and beg for an attorney (again) ? Ugh.

Now, I realize how low status I was, before Christ intervened. No social life in middle or HS, messed up late teens at college, electroshocked, yade yade yada. Now...I mean, I'm not Mr.Genius and I"m definitely not high status, but...I'm more masculine, I'm physically healthy and mentally healthier, and I'm smart for the 1st time in over 10 years. Even my hair grew back, which is a miracle in and of itself.

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At this point, I think people have a problem with God's work in my life. That's too bad. I pray for my neighborhood and my enemies. I think...when you're low status enough, its darned if you do, darned if you don't. Get sick and sicker, too bad (loser). Get healthy and increasingly normal...what are you doing, loser? See where I'm going with this?

Ugh. At least the Dunkin Donuts people talk to me a lil bit. LOL. Actually...at least my parents genuinely love me, care about me, all that...and I love them, too. My dad and I even go on long rides through the countryside on Sundays, listening to the classic vinyl station on his satellite radio. OK...today, we listened to the David Bowie station, until they put a Duran Duran cover of Boys Keep Swingin on. That was just...too much.

Angel...how do you manage your residual paranoia and voices? Since I'm "Bipolar," they throw mood stabilizers my way. I don't know what they do except keep me calm(er), honestly. At this point...I'm not hearing voices as often, but it does happen more than I'd like. Also, I have fewer voices, but the ones I get are a bit louder and more menacing...but a lot of them are replays of stuff from the relatively recent past. Ugh. When it gets really bad, I'm supposed to take Neurontin. I don't like it tho...makes me drowsy and fuzzy headed the next day.

Hope things are going well your way...you're in my prayers.

 

[Angel]

Hi friend.

One thing comes to mind. When I was 19 years old, I worked as a cashier for a grocery store. It was there that I was first starting to develop my illness. What happened is that I heard my co-workers say that I was stealing from the register.So then I became afraid of stealing, even though I had no intention of doing so. I didn't want to steal at all! I told my mom about it, and she said to remember the truth. I didn't want to steal and I wasn't going to steal. Honestly, it didn't help too much because I was focusing on what the enemy was saying and not turning to God and entrusting the situation to Him.

Your neighbors are liars. Every time, immediately, when you hear them say these things- pray for them. If you are outside, go inside your house and pray privately.

To answer your question...

When I am paranoid, it helps me to use my eyes instead of my ears. If I hear someone saying things that disturb me, I check. I look at them. 90 percent of the time its just in my head. But, say, if I look over and see a middle finger pointed at me, I maybe become disturbed and hurt, but I entrust myself to the protection of the Lord. If you don't feel well enough to check on what you are hearing, just draw near to God. He IS the Lord, and there is NO ONE greater, stronger, or more powerful than Him. And you are his child, and no one can snatch you from Christ's hands.

As far as hallucination goes, when I hear things, I don't listen. But if I do hear something specific, and troubling, I practice breathing deeply.
I pay attention to what is really happening right then and there. I will feel my feet on the floor. I will feel my behind sitting on a chair. I will look at the pictures or paintings on the walls, but most effectively, I listen to music. Eventually the hallucinations pass and God gives me rest for a time.

I pray that you would receive a gift of hunger for the Word. Your day is not over, not complete, until you soak your mind and soul into reading the Scriptures. That is what is helping me get by. I am clinging to God as hard as I can because I love him and I need him, and I know he loves me.

Does this help? If you have any other questions feel free to ask.

 

[Angel]

I've been so hungry to receive a Word from God today.
In two different sources,God has told me that I am stronger than I think, and that the Holy Spirit is the source of my strength!
Not only this, but I think he just wants me to worship Him!

 

[Christ_empowered]

That's awesome, Angel. Me...I'm just now beginning to realize I need to lean on The Lord more, people less. Of course, I appreciate all the support I've gotten here and from my (long suffering, wonderful) parents and some other people. People need people, no doubt...I read somewhere that social isolation is a common factor in depression, substance abuse, and suicide. Sad times :-(

BUT...The Lord sticks closer than a brother and will see us through the end of the age. The best advice and support I've gotten has come from Christians who apply godly wisdom and also have life experience to support their insights. Soooo...yeah. That's my insight for the day, lol.

The neighbors continue being ridiculous. They've been talking about probation violations for a while now, and nothing has happened. Ugh...this is just a bunch of cruel, southern nonsense...keeping an "uppity mental patient in line," etc. I'm real tired of it.

Please keep me up in prayer. There was an incident in which my paranoia got the better of me, and I was afraid it might result in a probation violation. That was almost 6 months ago, and I've seen my probation officer 2x since then.

 

[Angel]

It's a little scary not leaning on people as much and turning to God instead. Honestly It makes me feel vulnerable. Must be a thing of the flesh because a relationship with God is a bit different then relationships with other human beings. But I can say that it also puts reverence in my heart toward Him. It's good to practice trusting him when things are good so you are somewhat prepared when things are going badly.

Satan is the father of lies and he is trying to hurt you through manipulating the neighbors who are slandering you. Keep in mind your war is not with flesh and blood.

I would be tired hearing the things you hear constantly. It must drain your energy. When I feel this way I have a warm drink and a nice, hot bath.

How is God helping you deal today?

 

[Christ_empowered]

Well, today God has worked through my parents to make me feel more at ease. He's opened my eyes to how big He is and how small my problems and people in general are by comparison.

He's made me realize that He does care. If He didn't care, I'd be dead and probably in Hell. I wouldn't be healthy, surprisingly "well-preserved" (I'm only 31, but people keep saying I look young for my age), getting along well with my parents+others, on and on it goes.

Well, I guess He's always there, comforting me, in my better, more lucid, more thoughtful moments. He's shown me that being Born Again is, in fact, a "big deal;" its the 2nd birth that really matters, I think.

Hmmm...well, He's put people here in my life, which is huge. He put my friend, Verna, in my life, which has been a major blessing for me. He's softened my heart--"heart of flesh, not of stone"--so while I'm less fearful and cowardly, I'm also more genuinely compassionate and caring.

I dunno...I do need people, everybody needs people, but I've noticed...my friend, Verna, she's been Born Again over 60 years...she can hand it over to The Lord and leave it at the Cross. She and her now deceased husband would pray together for people, even their ex-spouses from hell. I want faith like that, and I"m blessed that God put her in my life. She always says that each person's relationship with The Lord is the big thing. Everything else comes in, at most, 2nd. Easy to say, hard to live out...

 

[Angel]

That's awesome about Verna. She sounds very godly. I would love to have a friend like her. I bet she has an interesting testimony.

What I have learned is that when you start doing the right thing, it is easier to continue doing it.
Spiritually, the Holy Spirit helps you do the right thing even if your flesh doesn't want you to.

 

[Angel]

Just wondering, how did you meet Verna?