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[__ Prayer __] pray an end to my "humbling experiences"

Hmm...How did they want to manage you?
I understand the diagnosis Bipolar is less stigmatizing schizophrenia.
Its the same reason I don't like the term "hearing voices"
I prefer 'hallucinations'.
I don't understand why you are constantly being harassed?
What on earth is wrong with them??!! Why won't they just leave you alone?
I feel hurt for you :sad
 
This neighborhood has a serious problem with me. Now, its been going on for a while, so I get re-plays in mind. Some kinda moody+psychotic disorder + constant stress=loads of fun. :-(

Thanks for your ongoing support. Its crazy, you know...3 years ago, I got saved (for realsies). Fairly recently, I've been transformed, inside and (thankfully) out, too. I guess when someone as low status and stigmatized as I was/am gets saved and then Christ moves mightily in his life...there's gonna be a backlash. Kinda makes sense, but its hard to actually live through it.

Thanks again. :)
 
I understand re-plays. I have memories that disturb me that happened almost 11 years ago. It is hard for me to sleep because of it. I get up and listen to music, or I play around on my laptop. Typically I don't fall asleep until 5 am. I find your repentance inspiring. Even on my own, sometimes I sin and have to repent to get right with God again. You are truly walking in repentance. Your circumstances make your faith strong. I mean that. It hurts, but God will work it out for your good. We have to forgive ourselves for our past. I still cringe inside at past hurts and sins, but God has healed me in certain ways and I have to remind myself is that I am not that person anymore. I know you can understand the blessing of having a roof over your head, of reconciliation with your family. God has given you these things to protect you. Jesus was mocked, too. Although he never sinned, he does understand the feelings of torment. I thought of this verse for you:


And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. (Romans 8:26)
 
hey angel. Thanks, yet again.

Yeah...my parents are amazing people. I think, sometimes, that God saved me (and transformed me) in large part for them. Or at least...for them, also. They've been protecting me and all for a while now, and now I can sense that we've reconciled.

In the scheme of things...the neighbors don't matter. It just gets rough, you know...you go outside, people yell about you going to prison and/or jail and/or warrants, sometimes they'll say sexual things, calling me a "faggot" is pretty much standard...

I've been praying for them. I pray that God will save them, and "mellow them out" in the meantime. I mean, surely they have other things they could be doing.

The replays...are rough. You're right; neither of us are the same person we were before God saved us. That's important to remember (more for me than for you...I think you've got it down).

Thing is...I've changed so much, mostly in the past year or so, that...its hard for me to realize: I'm competely different, thanks to Christ. In a way, I'm...well, I'm not glad I had the shock, but it does have 1 major benefit: very few memories. Not that my life was all that terrible, but I mean...sometimes, I think having my memories largely erased made it easier to build a whole new personality (by God's grace, of course). It helps, of course, that I seem to have had all my raw material--IQ, writing abilities, social skills, etc.--restored unto me. If I were still a semi-vegetable, I'd probably just be stuck in sadness and pain.

Blah blah blah...thanks for your responses. You've been really helpful.
 
That's really cool that you are setting an example before your parents. I bet your repentance has not gone unnoticed. That's probably one of the reasons your relationship with them is better. They are seeing God in you, firsthand. You are planting seeds. Now we just have to wait until God waters it and it grows. :)

One way or another, you will be set free from the harassment. It is obviously keeping you humble. I know its not fair, but I see good in that. God is merciful to the humble. When you feel like giving up, write about it. We are listening. I am so glad that I am able to talk to you. You need an outlet. To process. It's too hard to deal with it on your own.

It is good that you are praying for your enemies. That's a very godly thing. You could be bitter and give up- but your not. Your leaning on God. The Bible says that if you draw near to God he will draw near to you. Humble yourself and He will lift you up. (James 4:6-8)

Just wondering- have you quit smoking? That would help so much- and put more money in your pocket.
 
hey (again) Angel...

I need to quit. I am reducing my cigarette smoking. At this point, the Wellbutrin is helping both the low moods and the urge to smoke (wellbutrin is used both for depression and as a stop smoking aid). I was actually just outside and not even enjoying the cigarette and I didn't want another one, so...that's progress (thank you, Big Pharma, for making this possible, lol). It could have helped sooner, but I sometimes forget to take the second daily dose (bad, I know).

I guess there is some good in keeping me humble, given the history of NPD and all. In a way...I'm blessed to have gone through this, because I'm apparently not certifiably NPD at this point. To be fair, I was diagnosed NPD at a young age, and some people mellow out and outgrow NPD, with or without treatment. At any rate...I get more enjoyment out of life as a Christian, and I'm definitely less prideful, filled with self-love, more tolerant and empathetic, all that good stuff. On the downside...somehow, my bona fide mental illness (either some kinda bipolar I w/heavy psychosis or schizophrenia w/ pronounced mood problems) have become more obvious and problematic. That's strange, especially considering the heavy shocks and all. Sigh. Fortunately, my "issues" respond well to Rx meds, counseling, and I also get to do Orthomolecular (its lots of high dose vitamins...supposed to help mental problems...I honestly don't know if it works or not, but I keep on doing it).

Ugh. People are cruel. That's pretty much life lesson #1 I'm getting out of this. I mean, The Bible speaks to sinners and how we/they operate and how terrible human nature and the world is. I see it more clearly now, I guess, than I would have otherwise.

How are things in your world? :)
 
Ugh. People are cruel. That's pretty much life lesson #1 I'm getting out of this. I mean, The Bible speaks to sinners and how we/they operate and how terrible human nature and the world is. I see it more clearly now, I guess, than I would have otherwise.

How are things in your world? :)
Click to expand...
Hello Empowered,
Sorry to interrupt your conversation with Angel. It's so good that you two know each other.

I like your last paragraph. I learned a lot about human nature by reading the book of Romans.
You know, I feel that Christianity is the only religion that answers the question of evil. All others try but fall short.
Scientology comes to mind right now. It says that any argument you have is caused by a third person. Great. But WHY is that third person causing the argument? See. It doesn't go back far enough. Christianity teaches that satan is the cause of all evil and sin. It's satan that's causing that third person to cause strife. See?

I was thinking of you this morning. You know how sometimes you'll put some rocks in your garden to make it look pretty. Maybe around a tree. Every now and then you have to move the rocks and cut the grass down or it becomes a little jungle. So you move the rocks. Underneath are all these little bugs that have been nesting there and hiding out there. In the dark. The moment they see the sunlight, they scatter and run for shelter. Yes. Shelter from the sunlight! That we love so much. They can't stand the light. It's not pleasant for them and so they hide from it.

Does it remind you of John 1:5
John 1:9-12
Mathew 5:14

You are the light of the world. The dark does not like the light.
Because the light makes the dark realize that it is very dark and it's jealous of the light.

Wondering
You might like to read:
Romans 8:31
1 Corinthians 15:57
2 Corinthians 2:14
Ephesians 6:10-18
 
Christ_empowered said:
hey (again) Angel...

I need to quit. I am reducing my cigarette smoking. At this point, the Wellbutrin is helping both the low moods and the urge to smoke (wellbutrin is used both for depression and as a stop smoking aid). I was actually just outside and not even enjoying the cigarette and I didn't want another one, so...that's progress (thank you, Big Pharma, for making this possible, lol). It could have helped sooner, but I sometimes forget to take the second daily dose (bad, I know).

I guess there is some good in keeping me humble, given the history of NPD and all. In a way...I'm blessed to have gone through this, because I'm apparently not certifiably NPD at this point. To be fair, I was diagnosed NPD at a young age, and some people mellow out and outgrow NPD, with or without treatment. At any rate...I get more enjoyment out of life as a Christian, and I'm definitely less prideful, filled with self-love, more tolerant and empathetic, all that good stuff. On the downside...somehow, my bona fide mental illness (either some kinda bipolar I w/heavy psychosis or schizophrenia w/ pronounced mood problems) have become more obvious and problematic. That's strange, especially considering the heavy shocks and all. Sigh. Fortunately, my "issues" respond well to Rx meds, counseling, and I also get to do Orthomolecular (its lots of high dose vitamins...supposed to help mental problems...I honestly don't know if it works or not, but I keep on doing it).

Ugh. People are cruel. That's pretty much life lesson #1 I'm getting out of this. I mean, The Bible speaks to sinners and how we/they operate and how terrible human nature and the world is. I see it more clearly now, I guess, than I would have otherwise.

How are things in your world? :)
Click to expand...

Hey C-E,
I also came to the point where I stopped enjoying cigarets as well. I always had to have my headphones on when I went outside because I was too frightened of what I might hear. It reduced anxiety some when I quit. I'll take what I can get, you know?

I think every teenager goes through a "vanity" stage. My cousin is very beautiful, but all she ever posts are selfies. Rarely does she write stuff. Lots of people are self- preoccupied. If your NPD was severe, it's not anymore. I don't see NPD. I see a hurting heart. I hold onto hope for you that things will change for the better.

I am ok. Thanks for asking. My apartment is by a court, and there are Teens playing sports screaming loudly every day for hours and it drives my paranoia nuts. I turn up the TV loud, and I put in earplugs. Or I listen on my iPod. Usually I do both.

It's been harder to fall asleep lately. I'm scared to think, because some people can hear my thoughts. I know that sounds nuts, but it's what I go through. My heart has been pounding hard randomly from anxiety. Feels like it's being destroyed through stress.

Some days are more difficult than others.
 
ugh. I hear you on the noise thing. My parents bought a little old mill house and an apt. over a garage when I first moved home (the lady who owned it...she died, and her kids lived a ways off, so they were eager to get rid of it. They got a good deal). Anyway, it was in a kinda cramped, working class neighborhood. From day 1, I had problems with the noise level...and especially the people across the street...turned out, they a) didn't like me and b) were selling weed. Good times.

Have you ever been given anti-anxiety medication? Not an ideal solution, but...if you're on an antipsychotic already, sometimes an anti-anxiety medication can calm things down. My doctor always writes an Rx for one, even though I almost never take it...except when it gets really, really bad and I"m not going to be going anywhere (driving is a bad idea).

I think you're right about teens being self-absorbed. Thing is...I just wasn't considered "good enough" for the "professionals" I ended up going to. They were after $$$, often controlling, self-important, etc. Sadly, that seems to be the case w/ a lot of "mental health professionals."

Ugh. I'm glad to be living with my parents again. They care about me, my transformation seems to have changed the way they view me (definitely changed the way they treat me). Also...its quiet here. The neighbors act up and all, but the yard is relatively large, the neighborhood is OK, my room is fairly big, I have a good car I can use...good times. Makes recovery easier, I think.

I think part of the problem people have is that I was never supposed to recover. See, at age 20, I was hooked on uppers (I had a ridiculously high dose Rx for Adderall...I mean, after the fact, I looked it up, and the doc was giving me how much they give people w/ narcolepsy!) and downers (my shrink before that had gotten me hooked on Klonopin). So, one night, I OD'd...I apparently turned violent, went to jail, I was clearly in need of medical attention, so I was taken to a private, for profit mental hospital. I always wondered "Why don't I remember the incident?," or I did before I discovered...they shocked me that night at the hospital. Awesome.

Anyway, people would say "Don't bite the hand that feeds you!," and proceed to torment me. I'm blessed that I was taken to a hospital, because the charges that were filed initially were ---serious--- . My dad has only recently forgiven me.

Interestingly enough...the 2nd time I attacked my dad, the deal my parents worked out w/ the prosecutor allowed me to get rid of both arrest records (praise God!). That makes people mad, too...all I have now is the stupid misdemeanor from my angry ex-shrink :-( . (btw--I realize that I sound like the most deviant, criminally-minded person **ever** but...seriously...its like after that 1st incident, it was a 10 year downward spiral, and nobody really did anything...if anything, the shrinks made things 10x worse).

Blah blah blah...deal is, I was never supposed to live this long, never supposed to recover, never supposed to reconcile with my parents, on and on it goes. American culture is punitive; I think its worse in the South, especially in my case. Forgiveness? Pshaw! Apparently, my ex-shrinks "don't believe in second chances," from what I've heard.

I've rambled. Thanks, as always, for your input. :)
 
Hello.

I use to live close to my dealers too at one point. BAD crowd. My family are oblivious, and its been kept that way. They probably wouldn't even care anyway. They have trust in God.

I just thought of a funny story. A month ago there was an earthquake, (which is rare and weird where I live). My brother thought someone was breaking in so he grabbed his knife and stood at the top of the stairs waiting. Then .. Im not sure how long, after that, he looked up the news and found out it was a quake. My brother is brave! LOL

If I feel sick from my illness, and I can't get away, I suffer a lot. Walmart is an easy place for me, despite all the people. If I feel uneasy, I can just walk away. For this reason I hate going to restaurants. My mind gets screwy. Like I said before, I'm scared to think. Isn't that sad? I know the truth, but if I could KNOW the truth, I wouldn't be so scared. That's why I'm sick. There is some spiritual stuff intertwined. I have to defend myself against Satans lies a lot. I'm used to believing them. My Psychiatrists say I am very intelligent to understand that I'm sick. Most people with my disease aren't aware of what's going on. Despite the circumstances I am very blessed.

You know, God's going to pay you back for what "they" did to you. You would think, good, punish them, but then we realize that they are just as lost as we once were. So, knowing this, its a little easier to forgive. It does seem thought that they were genually trying to hurt you... But they didn't win 'cause God had a plan for you... and He still does. :)

So how is your day going?

Someone must be praying for me because there are no people in the court... thank you Jesus for the rest!
 
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I think we have somewhat similar experiences and...problems ("symptoms"). I like your outlook.

What bothers me about my situation is how people I've never had a conversation with expect me to "know my place in society," basically because I a) made mistakes when I was younger and b) was labelled a "trouble maker" by some rather nasty mental health "professionals."

I pray for the neighborhood and all my other enemies...pray that God will bless them "above and beyond what they actually need," which I think is good (I mean, I couldn't figure out what I really needed until recently, lol). Its just...well, when I sometimes hear voices anyway, and then these people yell/talk loud enough for me to hear in my room, or out on the front porch, or out back...in bothers me (obviously).

We do some similar things. My parents blessed me with a good, used car. Its kinda pretty...pale bluish gray color. Anyway, I go out to Dunkin Donuts...we have 2 around, I go to the one a ways away. I'm a regular, so they sometimes give me free stuff and/or discounts. Good times. I always go to the drive thru, but that brief moment of social interaction is usually...helpful.

I'm doing well today, I think. I just had a couple cigarettes, but I went hours without a single one (!). Wellbutrin isn't ideal, but...it works, I'll tell ya that.

My people have warmed up to me a good bit. My dad, in particular, is kind and considerate towards me. This is a miracle, considering everything I put them through...and also our relationship was very strained, starting in late middle school, maybe HS. Ugh. Teenagers (shudder).

I'm letting go of all the antipsychiatry stuff. I mean, they don't have an answer for why some people are mentally ill to the point of being disabled. What to do? Romanticize "madness," write poetry, rail against "the man" ? OK. The way I see it...my current treatment people--particulary my counselor, he's a born again Christian with a masters of divinity--are my current authorities, next to my parents. He says "Bipolar I" (sometimes he hints at schizoaffective...I don't know the difference) and encourages me to stay on the meds, so I go with it. God's ways are higher than our ways, and I'm beginning to see that His ways often don't fit our limited ways of looking at things (conservative vs liberal, psychiatry vs antipsychiatry, punishment vs mercy, etc.).

I've rambled. do they have a dunkin donuts at your wal mart?
 
No Dunkin' Donuts at any of our WalMarts in my county ... but there are individual Dunkin Donuts stores in various locations. One happens to be about a mile from where I live....and that's a lot closer than the nearest WalMart!
 
Hello friend!

How was your personal information broadcasted? That sounds illegal to me.
What do they mean by saying you need to know your place in society? Do they expect you to live in poverty? To do certain things?

Around what time of day do they harrass you? Have you seen a pattern? If so, maybe you can change it.

That's nice that you have a car. :) I've never never owned a car. I'm not sure I ever will. My mom is worried that I would get anxiety and crash.

It's good to hear that people at Dunkin Donuts are nice to you! :) I think I've been there maybe twice in my life. There's one that lives a mile away from me but I don't really care for it. :) I'm into Thai food!

Yesterday was really hard, but God gave me peace while laying in bed. I got the sleep I needed and feel much better. Amen.
 
The downside to drinking (iced) coffee at DD all the time is that now I'm all sortsa spoiled, and my parents' maxwell house is...well, it doesn't sit well with me, lol. I've been buying bags of their coffee, too (I get mine already ground because our grinder is a pain). You should consider the flavored versions...
 
Angel said:
Hello friend!

How was your personal information broadcasted? That sounds illegal to me.
What do they mean by saying you need to know your place in society? Do they expect you to live in poverty? To do certain things?

Around what time of day do they harrass you? Have you seen a pattern? If so, maybe you can change it.

That's nice that you have a car. :) I've never never owned a car. I'm not sure I ever will. My mom is worried that I would get anxiety and crash.

It's good to hear that people at Dunkin Donuts are nice to you! :) I think I've been there maybe twice in my life. There's one that lives a mile away from me but I don't really care for it. :) I'm into Thai food!

Yesterday was really hard, but God gave me peace while laying in bed. I got the sleep I needed and feel much better. Amen.
Click to expand...


Hey, Angel. Basically, 8 years ago, I was back at a college in another part of the state, trying to finish my undergrad. I was stressed out...not wanted at the school, not medicated, stressful living situation, estranged from my parents...I ended up on a bridge, about to jump off. I was sedated, put into a mental hospital, and shocked.

Since then...people in this neighborhood seem to know an awful lot about me and my "treatment." See, after all that, I filed a medical board complaint again an ex-shrink who had prescribed lots of Klonopin and Ambien when I was a teenager. I also moved to a nearby state during that time, for 1 year. I came back and suddenly there was open hostility towards me. One set of neighbors would openly yell at me stuff from my psychiatric history. Its...crazy, really.

Thing is...if you're considered a "trouble maker," which I am, mental health "professionals" don't care about your confidentiality, or at least that's been my experience. Its hard to prove that people have been sharing your records and harder still to actually do something about it.

This one set of neighbors would openly call me a "trailer park faggot" and things like that. Now, I'm not looking down on people who do live in trailers...but I never have. Having said that...it seems that they have to all feel superior to me. Its usually worse at night, but they've been in the yard before (scary for me) and once or twice they've said things at like 3 in the AM, when I went outside because I woke up or couldn't sleep. That was on a weekend.

I'm rambling (keep in mind, I just woke up, lol). Basically, after the 1st hospital, I was supposed to live in poverty and "pick myself up by my boot straps," because the docs said I was npd and I'd spent too muhc money. Never mind that they went overboard with the shock, I didn't have insurance to afford their meds (to keep me "comfortably numb," in their words), and I had serious health problems. Ugh. I moved to go to school, and all hell broke loose for me. Like I wrote above, I almost jumped off a bridge, I got shocked again, etc.

Things really didn't start to change until I went to Teen Challenge in another state. It was a work camp, of course, but I was so happy to be out of this area that I didn't care. Now, I'm back...my people are behind me, and they have more resources, cuz they've "moved up in the world," or whatever.

Blah blah blah...I sound crazy when I post this, but its true. I had a couple shrinks and counselors who had a serious "problem" with me and proceeded to make my life a living hell. No fun, no fun at all. But, on the plus side...after I sent off all those emails to one ex-shrink, my dad got me a good attorney, who got me a favorable plea bargain. My best guess is that, now that he's represented me, they have to simmer down a couple notches. Also, my people forgave me, and that helps considerably, too.

I've rambled (again). This situation has been....crazy. "Humbling experiences." Yeah, right. They do this to poor people, "trouble makers," etc. Its ridiculous.
 
Hello. :)

What happened when you went to jump off the bridge but ended up in the hospital instead? Did someone intervene? Did you change your thoughts and tried to get help?

Giving you Klonopin and Ambien sounds like you were heavily sedated. Was that treatment for NPD? Why did they combine those two?

I am finally feeling well after a week of strong depression and anxiety. Coping skills weren't helping me very much. Finally I was able to rest listening to Mariah Carey until I feel asleep. Also, I tried reading books out loud and that helped too. I think I was having a relapse because I am much better today. God is merciful.

Yesterday I went to my clinic to pick up my prescription medication. The nurse came to me and gave me one bottle of stuff when I get two bottles. I said something and she said that I could come back tomorrow or wait today. (It takes a long time to get to my clinic. I left for the bus at 12:45 and got to my destination at 2:30.) So, I decided to wait, because as I stated its difficult to take the bus. Not only is it long, but sometimes I get highly anxious. (I digress but I can say that I prayed the night before that the trip wouldn't be stressful on the bus and He answered that with a yes!)Well, the nurse tells me that the pharmacy just didn't fill all my medication. So she told me that they would get the medicine and that my wait would be a 45 minutes. Then she tells me that it will be filled in an hour. So I waited and waited and finally at 5 pm I get my medicine. So, I waited 2 and a half hours. Plus the time going there and back. In total it was 6 hours until I got home...

This kind of stuff happens to me all the time. Its not on purpose though. I have favor at my clinic, am well liked. But it gets super frustrating when they do these things.
 
Hey Angel....

I spent a couple minutes on the bridge, and a police officer came and got me. He called an ambulance, I was sedated, and I woke up in a mental hospital. The Klonopin+Ambien combo was for anxiety and sleep, but...teenagers really shouldn't be treated like that, especially long term. Causes problems.

Sorry about your wait at the clinic. I'm glad they like you. I don't know how the people at my clinic feel about me. They have their own pharmacy? That's pretty cool. My pharmacy messed up my last refill, too.

Thanks for keeping up with me.
 
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