Pre-Marital Intimacy

[God&DogGirl]

This was sparked from a conversation I had with someone who claimed to be a Christian. He told me that premarital sex is wrong, which means that anyphysical act with the word "sex" attached to it was wrong. But that anything other than that was fine.

Then I told him my views. I believe that kissing and hugging and cuddling is okay as long as it doesn't cause both Christians to strongly want to go further. So no stripping clothes, heavy petting even with clothes on, or making out so passionately the two want to take it even further.

He flipped out at me! He told me I'd never find a man who would be willing to wait. He told me I better have a rare quality but that I wasn't pretty or rich enough to be able to make a good guy wait. He then told me to expect a man not to see me naked before the wedding was selfish and greedy of me. He said that a good Christian man shouldn't be expected to wait for that because it's already hard enough to wait for sex.

Unfortunately, this seems to be the popular opinion even among those who have decided to be abstinent. I mean, there are many practical and logical reasons to wait for sex so even people who aren't religious at all are waiting now, which is great, but what bothers me is that guys are pressuring girls to get as close to sex as it is possible without actual intercourse.

So what are your views and the Bible's views on intimacy before marriage? Is it true that I'm "doomed" for wanting to wait until marriage to let a man touch me in certain areas or to let him really make out with me? Or, as my dating friends tell me, are there really guys who aren't desperate who are willing to wait?

I'm especially interested in responses from guys! ;)

 

[Mike]

Handy recently announced her temporary departure. When she returns, she can give you some Godly first-hand knowledge of the blessing that lies in waiting. Others will as well, but she's shared this a number of times.

Do not be pressured by "the world" to do something that God has placed on your heart. As I say to my son (15) most times he leaves for school: "Remember who you are. You are a child of God." Guys will be guys, and you probably will run into many who desire to do that which has been forbidden, but be patient and pray that the Lord will Show you that person who He has set aside for you. Imagine that. From the time you were a little girl, there was a little boy also living his life who would one day stand with you before God and pledge his faithfulness to you. Wait on God for him. You will not have a single regret that you did.

Romans 8
"12 Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live"

Personally, I agree with the line you've drawn between innocent affection and sin outside the covenant of marriage.

 

[theLords]

That guy was a total psychopath (I wouldn't associate with carnal Christians like that)

A "good Christian" man will wait. I can guarantee you that! A "good Christian" man will do everything he can do to submit himself to the will and laws of God. That guy has some entitlement issues (PS: I've seen your pictures so that makes him a lying psychopath).

Don't let his view on sex taint your image of the truly good Christian men in existence. They are there and if you choose to honor God; God will honor you and give you a future husband that is willing to wait.

We, Christian women, are precious daughters of God. He protects us vigorously, and if we want to remain in His protection we must remain in obedience. Any guy who is willing to disrespect you by pressuring you to do things you don't want to do is not a man who will make a good husband. It's not about the sex or sexual immorality (this is just the fruit), the root of the problem is (disrespect) not obeying God's laws and or loving your neighbor as yourself. For men, every women who is not their wife is their sister and vice versa for women!

 

[theLords]

PS: God has set a high standard for His daughters. Refuse to accept anything less than what God has designed for us!

Any man pressuring you to go against your God given moral conviction is not a man worth getting to know!

It's best to avoid the "dating" scene. The best way to date is to pray for God to bring your husband into your life. As you gain intimacy in God, by the time your ready to meet your future man, you will know that God has said "It's him right there" and you will be able to date in peace knowing that it will lead to marriage.

This is a very good book that I recommend: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0785269894

 

[Scandinavian27]

I'm a 20 year old guy and this is something that I personally struggle with myself. Only with God's strength do I believe that this temptation can be toned down a bit. I want to wait for the right women, but the other side of me wants to play around the field a bit first. :ohmy

 

[Tidus]

Every person has their own view.. but to say that "no man will wait" is just pure ignorance. Some guys will, some guys won't, that's how life is. But if you want one that will, the answer is "Trust God enough to not settle till you find one."

 

[Pard]

Yeah.

We're out there. He's a few words I'd probably get in trouble for saying on here so I'll refrain...

Anyways I wouldn't listen to him. He's a putz and a schmuck and a jamook.

 

[felix]

When you give what a guy wants before marriage, then there is no need for him to marry you any more because he got what he wanted and he will surely dump you when he find a more beautiful girl than you.

Virginity is like a gift which you must wait until the day of marriage for you to give only to your husband. According to me, kissing and hugging and cuddling are not okay because, if it happens you don't marry him, then you are already been used and you being involved in spiritual harlotry by allowing a guy who is not your husband to lust over you in his heart, which you allowed.

 

[th1b.taylor]

None of these responses are totally wrong but they are worked without the scriptural perspective concerning marriage. Being 66 1/2 today and knowing the view on old fogies I know that this is disliked but;

When God took the rib from Adam (man) and He created woman they coupled their bodies (joined in intercourse) and they were married. Now, go to Isaac and we find Rebekah going into his mother´s tent, followed by Isaac. They coupled their bodies together and they were married, no ceremony. Now fast forward to Jacob and his love for another Rebekah and we find him laboring for 7 years and when he went into the tent, at night, and coupled with the woman in the tent, he awoke to find that he had married (had intercourse with) Leah and had to work 7 more years for the woman he desired.

Hon, if you take your cloths off, and he looks on the treasure that awaits him, he will not wait and you will not even have a legal recourse against him when he discards you, even though, in the eyes of God, he married you! That young man is the same worm I was before I met my LORD. If he is that big a putz he is possibly not saved. I and my other unsaved musicians in my band all had Christian girlfriends and we all used a similar approach to get them undressed and then we took what did not belong to us!

My granddaughter, the greatest and most valuable treasure of my life is engaged to a young Christian man that on dating her informed her that she was the hottest thing he had ever seen, BUT, he also told her that their relationship would not be built on sex, tyhat would come after the formal ceremony! He loves my little princes and he treats her just the way I want her treated. Drop the ignoramus and ignore his remarks. Wait on God, He has a very special man for you.

 

[Annointed1980]

I totally agree with Taylor...

I am a man, 32 years old, I have now courted several women, but only had sex with one and we were married for about a month and a half when that happened!

I have lived in homes together with other independent adult women I dated. Some respected me for my abstinence, some did not. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 27! It was hard because I am a pretty attractive guy and from ages 19-25 I had women pretty much throwing themselves at me daily!

Whoever this person was, I have one word... Pervert. They clearly don't respect you. If this was a boyfriend, drop him like a bad habit, there are many fish in the sea, and God has one just perfect for you and they will fall from the sky one day... They will sweep you off your feet and complete you.

Remember... Love, respect, trust. If you don't get those three things from ANY man he isn't worth your time. (period)

 

[modernnihilst]

If someone can not respect the decisions you have made with your body then (expliteve deleted) that dork. I'm not even Christian(duh, check the name) and if I was intrested in someone and they wanted to wait for whatever you want to call it, I(the other person in the relationship) would need to make a decision. Is this person I'm with now someone I'm willing to "cool my jets" for? If so then I wait. If not that becomes a my problem, and I and the other person in the relationship have a "chat" and we agree to go our seperate ways. This (explitive deleted) about pressuring women in to whatever IS NOT THE ACTS OF A REAL MAN, Christian or otherwise. If one person does not respect the other in the relationship, what kind of relationship is that?

 

[Pizzaguy]

Some of the best advice I have ever read on this forum is in the posts above!!!

I sure have nothing to add.

 

[Mike]

I have lived in homes together with other independent adult women I dated. Some respected me for my abstinence, some did not. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 27! It was hard because I am a pretty attractive guy and from ages 19-25 I had women pretty much throwing themselves at me daily!

And you're humble, too!

 

[Annointed1980]

And you're humble, too!

You can be assertive without being conceited... I lived 3/4 of my life in perpetual self-loathing. I am happy that the Lord allowed to finally see past all the putdowns I received throughout my life.

 

[Steph91]

I think the Bible is pretty clear about this issue. I think that if we choose to follow the Bible, we should wait until the marriage bed.

If you choose to have sex before marriage, then you are choosing to not follow God's design.

With that said, I know a lot of people will say that God intends to restrict us with "rules". I disagree with that. I think it is a great design, and although may be difficult at times, will pay off after marriage.

 

[Mike]

You can be assertive without being conceited... I lived 3/4 of my life in perpetual self-loathing. I am happy that the Lord allowed to finally see past all the putdowns I received throughout my life.

I was just playing, but you make a good point. It's very sad that almost everyone sees deficiencies when they look in the mirror. We place too much weight on what "the world" deems as beautiful or handsome, when in fact we were all wonderfully created. This is very sad.

 

[Sparkey]

(1Cr 6:18 NKJV) - "Flee sexual immorality [fornication]. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body."
​

If we try to line up the differing positions regarding "intimacy" before marriage there is cleary only one way for the single person (male or female) to proceed if they want to retain their good standing before the Lord.

(Act 15:29 NKJV) - "... that you abstain from things offered to idols, from blood, from things strangled, and from sexual immorality [or fornication]. If you keep yourselves from these, you will do well. Farewell."
​

These days even the word "fornication" is unpopular and almost despised. It's beyond mere political correctness but that sin is ranked up there with the others that we'd never think of doing.

 

[highlife]

He is not wrong but extemely rude for actually making Thoes statements. If you consider our society does not like marriage before your early to mid twentys couple that with the fact that every one knows a guy who's wife became a prude some time after they got married and can't leave without paying heavy child support or they did leave and are paying it

Do Thoes statements really surprise you that most men want to make 110 per that they are compatible with a woman before getting legally rntageled with them, the church can cry all it wants but when that much is at stake for a botched choice in a woman a man is going to make sure there are no issues to the best of his ability. When the stakes are as high as they are for men today they will be less and less polite about it in fact I know of men that have gone overseas to find women, I'm talking people I know irl not on some news story, women can't claim moral high ground when they have skewed the entire legal system in their favor.

The church is largely ignoring these factors but men sure aren't. Everyone knows some guy whose wife prudishly defrauds him and makes his life hell and if he leaves he will be taken to the cleaners.

 

[Sparkey]

If fidelity and love is the goal, if Christian attributes where neither men nor women defraud their partners is what is desired, the way to go about it is to select your mate according to their possession of these attributes.

Selecting a mate from those who fornicate produces fornicators, right? Complaining after society (religious included) ignore what God clearly warns against for all these years is just that, complaining.

But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; ... For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them. - (Eph 5:3, 5-7 NKJV)

 

[highlife]

If fidelity and love is the goal, if Christian attributes where neither men nor women defraud their partners is what is desired, the way to go about it is to select your mate according to their possession of these attributes.

Selecting a mate from those who fornicate produces fornicators, right? Complaining after society (religious included) ignore what God clearly warns against for all these years is just that, complaining.

But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; ... For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them. - (Eph 5:3, 5-7 NKJV)

That last scripture is a good point and a reason to be more diligent in these matters. I did some more research and there is no way around that scripture, so thus it is what it is.