Should the Bible give clearer instructions on how to find a spouse?

[Lucian Hodoboc]

Lately, I've been thinking that it would be quite helpful for some of us if the Bible addressed the topic of finding a spouse in more detail. When it comes to romantic relationships between men and women, the commandments given in the Bible are many, but are there enough instructions about how to obey them?

Don't divorce, don't lust, find a partner if you don't want to burn with desire, keep the marriage bed pure, don't deprive each other of sexual intercourse except through mutual consent for short periods of time etc. - just to paraphrase some of the verses in Scripture. These are all good pieces of advice, but shouldn't Scripture also offer us some advice about what to do if someone is very ugly, disabled or in some other way socially unable to find a romantic partner or to sustain a marriage?

What are your thoughts on the matter? 2

 

[Bull of the Woods]

I don't know that even Christians would pay attention.
It's pretty simple. Look for character.
Honesty. A proven track record. A person who isn't lazy or mean. Things that are common sense.
But people will often ignore their parents and friends warnings when they are dating or pursuing someone that has problems.
I don't think additional biblical guidance would change things much. People fail in areas there is clear "instructions".

 

[Tessa]

Get to know the person well first. Do they genuinely love Jesus? Are they reliable, trustworthy, honest, respectful to others (including yourself. Be aware of their failings, because we all have them, and ask yourself if you could live with that. Once you marry forget their failings, don't fret over little things. It is important to talk about many things before you take that massive commitment. Will he/she support you in your journey with Christ? You need to grow together in the Lord.
Are you both looking for the same things?
You have to love and respect each other.
Love is a gift from God, but you both have to work together to make it work. Pray for guidance.
I had a minister who moved in with a lady who was very ill. She needed 24 hour care. To save her reputation he married her first. She was several years older than he was. There was no sex involved in this relationship, she was much too poorly. By the time she died the minister really loved her. She was humble, brave in her suffering, thankful for every little thing he did for her
She was honest, never lost faith and stayed as cheerful as she could.

 

[Knotical]

Honestly, it is not that difficult. There are plenty of tools at our disposal if we choose to use them.

First, and foremost, are they a Christian? If not, then don't bother.

Second, most everything else can be brought out during pre-engagement counseling. If you find someone who are thinking of marrying, then they should be open to this kind of process, which includes taking personality tests. My wife and I did this twice. Once before we were engaged, and again within the year after we were married. The second time was much more comprehensive. But the personality tests will certainly bring a lot of stuff out in the open (not everything, but plenty to get started). The personality tests are done twice. First, you take it for yourself, the second time you answer how you think the other party will answer and you compare. This gives a great indication of how well you know each other.

 

[Lucian Hodoboc]

Literally none of you understood what this thread was about. Who is "they"? What person are you talking about? This is what the original post is asking:

"what to do if someone is very ugly, disabled or in some other way socially unable to find a romantic partner or to sustain a marriage?"

 

[Knotical]

The only people who wouldn't be able to marry are those that are not at a mental capacity to do so, such as those who are not actually at a maturity level where they could even understand what that kind of love is much less the concept of marriage. If we are talking about looks, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There are plenty of people who society would consider "ugly" that are still able to get married. The Same guidelines would apply.

 

[JohnDB]

Actually the Bible has given very clear instructions for how to find a spouse.

Everyone just seems to ignore it.
Part of the problem is ourselves...

Most of the time in the Westernized World teenagers (somewhere around 13) believe that they know everything.

Then around 21+/- these same children become sure that they know everything.

Then four or five years later they pick out a spouse. Get married professing their unique and undying love for each other during a "teenagerish" style wedding. One year later both young people are miserable and trying to figure out how to live with this other person and not be as miserable as they are.
And by the time they hit their 30's (if not divorced yet) their parents become a whole lot smarter than they ever gave them credit for before. Children? Maybe and maybe not yet.

The latest scenario is that these kids wait until they are 30 to marry after shacking up with at least 3-5 different people and having a dozen "friends with benefits". They rush to reproduce because the biological clock is ticking. And still end up with a 50% divorce rate and a few "whatchamacallits" dotting the countryside and the father is groaning under the strain of child support payments.

This is most of America.

Single parent households are the largest demographic in America. The nuclear family is in the minority today.

In times past (when it was easily done) many men just up and abandoned their families. Then divorce became easier and easier and proper divorce papers were filed. Most divorces are at the insistence of the wives.

BUT

Those with a less than 10% chance of divorce are those who are fully and regularly involved in their local church (of some flavor of Protestants) and are active in their community. They have friends that they do various activities with.

So... apparently the key principles are:
Common goals and objectives.
Common definitions of key terms like "love, commitment, and forgiveness"
The extreme value placed on grace (both giving and receiving)
And of course the all important concepts of expressing gratitude and giving without expectations of recipricated treatment.

 

[Who Me]

houldn't Scripture also offer us some advice about what to do if someone is very ugly, disabled or in some other way socially unable to find a romantic partner or to sustain a marriage?

Scripture talks about mariage as something ones parents arrange for you.

How does one find a partner in todays self obcessed culture?

The same way people have always found partners from among the people they know.

It is upto them to look through the 'rose tintinted glow' of love/lust and actualy assess their proposed partner in the same way that they would assess a contractor/employee/salesman. Are they honest, reliable, hardworking etc etc etc Do they respect you, do you respect them?
What are there parents like? What bad habits will they have taught them?
Are you willing to concsously not get involved with others of there sex and are they also willing?

How do they handly arguments?

Are they more than just a cultral christian?

 

[Nathan12]

Lately, I've been thinking that it would be quite helpful for some of us if the Bible addressed the topic of finding a spouse in more detail.

Since this space is for singles (which I am not) I hesitate to comment. But in fact there is an awful lot of advice in the Bible as to who would be a suitable spouse and who would not.

If you are not familiar with Nave's Topical Bible, perhaps you should acquire a copy, and then look up the relevant Scriptures.

Take Samson for example. He was plain stupid in his selection of women, and he paid dearly for it.

 

[for_his_glory]

Literally none of you understood what this thread was about. Who is "they"? What person are you talking about? This is what the original post is asking:

"what to do if someone is very ugly, disabled or in some other way socially unable to find a romantic partner or to sustain a marriage?"

I want to address the last part that if someone is not able to sustain a marriage then it would probably be better if they stayed single. Gods will for woman was to be a helpmate to the man in every way, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially and physically. The man is to be the Spiritual head of the house providing for his family and making the best decisions prayerfully for the benefit of the families well-being.

It doesn't matter if one considers them self ugly or disabled as I believe God has a mate for everyone, but only if they are capable of managing a marriage and not necessarily in the bedroom. Like someone else said in here, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I will add to that, that God sees all His creation beautiful.

Depending on the severity of ones disability in what they can do or not do for them self or what they can do as far as helping around the house needs to be taken into great consideration. Many enter into a marriage where there are disabilities thinking they can handle it and do whatever they can for their spouse, but in the long run can end up resenting their spouse having to take care of their needs as they want more out of a marriage that a spouse can not provide.

One more thing to consider is that both be not unequally yoked, 2 Corinthians 6:14.

 

[GodsGrace]

I don't know that even Christians would pay attention.
It's pretty simple. Look for character.
Honesty. A proven track record. A person who isn't lazy or mean. Things that are common sense.
But people will often ignore their parents and friends warnings when they are dating or pursuing someone that has problems.
I don't think additional biblical guidance would change things much. People fail in areas there is clear "instructions".

LOVE IS BLIND!

 

[GodsGrace]

Literally none of you understood what this thread was about. Who is "they"? What person are you talking about? This is what the original post is asking:

"what to do if someone is very ugly, disabled or in some other way socially unable to find a romantic partner or to sustain a marriage?"

Oh....

Where does it say that everyone is ENTITLED to marriage?
Where is the guarantee that we ALL will be married?

Some stay single.
Some don't want to marry.
Some can't find the right life-partner.
Some are happy with this.
Some are lonely and miserable.

Your question assumes that marriage is an entitlement...
It is not.

 

[Lucian Hodoboc]

I want to address the last part that if someone is not able to sustain a marriage then it would probably be better if they stayed single.

So according to 1 Corinthians 7:9, if a person is not physically able to sustain a marriage, they should just be left to burn with passion? :neutral

 

[JohnDB]

So according to 1 Corinthians 7:9, if a person is not physically able to sustain a marriage, they should just be left to burn with passion? :neutral

Ummmm
If a person doesn't have arms and legs they won't be joining any marathons will they?

Same parallel.
If someone can't perform acts of physical intimacy with a spouse then there is no burning with passion.

 

[Lucian Hodoboc]

Ummmm
If a person doesn't have arms and legs they won't be joining any marathons will they?

Same parallel.
If someone can't perform acts of physical intimacy with a spouse then there is no burning with passion.

I'm not talking about impotence or mental illness. Being physically disabled doesn't necessarily mean that one lacks a sex drive. It doesn't even mean that one is paralyzed or lacks limbs. There are all sort of physical disabilities. Most of them don't affect the nerves that create arousal within the genitals.

 

[JohnDB]

I'm not talking about impotence or mental illness. Being physically disabled doesn't necessarily mean that one lacks a sex drive. It doesn't even mean that one is paralyzed or lacks limbs. There are all sort of physical disabilities. Most of them don't affect the nerves that create arousal within the genitals.

Ok then...
Relationships happen when people like each other.
It's not a magic formula. It's not something that can be forced... although people idealize romantic relationships so much that they force themselves to create a relationship with another person without even really liking the other person.
And it causes heartbreak.
And what I've seen out of most singles is that they try to "improve themselves" in some fashion to attract the opposite sex instead of just actually liking others and expressing their genuine admiration of others in an appropriate fashion.

All relationships have a cost...that cost being time and sharing your life. A romantic relationship costs almost your whole life given to another person. You don't get to do anything that strikes your fancy anymore...you have things to do to please a spouse. But then they are doing things to please you as well. (When an appropriate choice in spouse is made)

"How to Win Friends and Influence People" is an old book...but it basically outlines great principles in dealing with others on a friendly basis.

And if you don't have a genuine admiration for others... you shouldn't try having a romantic relationship with one person... even if you want one. It will be an exercise in torture and abuse.

 

[for_his_glory]

So according to 1 Corinthians 7:9, if a person is not physically able to sustain a marriage, they should just be left to burn with passion? :neutral

That verse has nothing to do with someone who has a disability. This verse means if the male and female can not abstain from intercourse without being married, then it is better that they get married instead of living in sin.

What I said in the other post is that both needs to consider the severity of the disability of the one who is disabled as far as what they can and can not do for themselves. If the spouse has to do everything for them, plus hold down a job to provide for them and take care of the household duties they can resent the other one after awhile. A marriage is not based on the bedroom, but on true love for each other.

 

[Lucian Hodoboc]

That verse has nothing to do with someone who has a disability. This verse means if the male and female can not abstain from intercourse without being married, then it is better that they get married instead of living in sin.

I'm sorry, but I think there's a bit of misunderstanding in our discussion. I didn't say that the verse in question refers to people with disabilities. You said that "if someone is not able to sustain a marriage then it would probably be better if they stayed single". The apostle Paul says that it is better to find a spouse than to burn with desire. If we try to reconcile the two statements, we can conclude that the only thing left for disabled people who cannot find a spouse is... to burn with desire. What third option would there be?

 

[for_his_glory]

I'm sorry, but I think there's a bit of misunderstanding in our discussion. I didn't say that the verse in question refers to people with disabilities. You said that "if someone is not able to sustain a marriage then it would probably be better if they stayed single". The apostle Paul says that it is better to find a spouse than to burn with desire. If we try to reconcile the two statements, we can conclude that the only thing left for disabled people who cannot find a spouse is... to burn with desire. What third option would there be?

Let's look at the full context as it has nothing to do with burning with desire. What Paul is saying here that it is better to marry than to fornicate. A husband and wife should never refuse each other in the bedroom unless they both consent if they are fasting and praying. Defraud means do not lie to the other as a lack of restraint. Paul also said it is better that the unmarried and widows would refrain from sex so they would not fornicate and if they can not it is better to get married than to sin against God than it would to be cast into the lake of fire on judgement day.

1 Corinthians 7:1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. 6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. 7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. 8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

 

[ezra]

Lately, I've been thinking that it would be quite helpful for some of us if the Bible addressed the topic of finding a spouse in more detail. When it comes to romantic relationships between men and women, the commandments given in the Bible are many, but are there enough instructions about how to obey them?

Don't divorce, don't lust, find a partner if you don't want to burn with desire, keep the marriage bed pure, don't deprive each other of sexual intercourse except through mutual consent for short periods of time etc. - just to paraphrase some of the verses in Scripture. These are all good pieces of advice, but shouldn't Scripture also offer us some advice about what to do if someone is very ugly, disabled or in some other way socially unable to find a romantic partner or to sustain a marriage?

What are your thoughts on the matter? 2

best advice to follow
2 Corinthians 6:14

“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?”