Christ_empowered
Member
- Oct 23, 2010
- 14,250
- 10,729
I moved home to this area nearly 10 years ago, age 26. long, long backstory...blah blah blah...
so, early on, I was in a dunkin donuts, and...some college age lady called me 'society's reject,' and started laughing. not a big deal, I guess. i mean, it was what it was. plus, i hadn't -met- Jesus yet (Jesus was kind enough to start our 'meeting,' btw...I am literally eternally grateful...). ok...
its been nearly 10 years. 8 years into Knowing The Lord, I am healthy! bright eyed! surprisingly smart! reconciled to my (loving, long suffering) parents! law abiding! I even somehow look better, physically. these blessings, of course, come from on high, and they follow my 'conversion experience,' which...again...I desperately needed (every human being does, really), but I did nothing to deserve, I certainly did not love or truly pursue The Lord, in the flesh. no one does, is the impression I get from Scripture. moving on...
I think I'm kinda sorta permanently "society's reject." now, because my parents have forgiven me (God's work), and they have defied all the plots and such against their careers (upwardly mobile, in the context of well educated people who fight harder and harder over less and less, it seems) to become upper middle class, perhaps well to do, and...yeah, im doing ok, in terms of living, my needs, etc. thing is...
now, because of all that, "society's reject" seems to have been recoded as "Schizophrenia." It...is what it is, it just gets stressful and frustrating, I guess. I don't have tons of stuff, but I have the stuff I need + a tad extra, plus I have my parents' support and love, and...
The Lord has seen fit to be quite merciful and kind towards me, I think it what I'm getting at, that's it. Its just...well, you know how I often typed out my frustrations with unprofessional junk from the mental health people I currently deal with? yeah...its ongoing. one, she calls me...her job is to help place people in jobs or volunteer spots. she plays nice, now, but lately...whether she calls from her office at the clinic (less frequent, covid) or from home (more frequent), someone else, in the background, will talk just loudly enough for me to hear...
rambling, it boils down to I apparently need to know a) that I "Developed Schizophrenia" and b) I'm only being "tolerated" because I come from a "good family." ugh. could me infinitely worse...cannot imagine what's left of the -state hospital. from what i've read about it, once they put you there...they don't really wanna let you leave, unless you lawyer up.
ugh. so, basically, I'm slathered in labels and junk, no its not just a "victim of society" deal, its...where I'm at, right now. and...it is infinitely frustrating, because i was kind of hoping that my progress in Christ would lead to a small job or something, but even then...
ugh. i couldn't even volunteer without taunts and jibber jabber, so i don't think a j-o-b would be better. might be worse, since...you know, when one volunteers, its the volunteer -giving- ... vs work, where the exchange is pay for labor. I probably just got a little taste of what a j-o-b would be like, towards the end of volunteering. no, these are not 'hallucinations,' i haven't 'hallucinated' or anything for a couple years now, God is Good. the closest I get is my mind looping on and replaying junk from the not so distant past, and that's not being out of touch with reality, that's just...rough, i dunno. im lucid, that's the point.
I have so much to be grateful for, and I...cannot tell you how frustrating this non-stop bullying and taunting can get, and its better here than it would be in real poverty or in a rented apt. or living with my parents, even.
so, yeah. "society's reject..." in Christ, I am forgiven and I actually handle this better than in years past. Not that Jesus is my 'coping mechanism," far from it, its more like...I can look to Him and have real, live hope and a degree of peace (getting better with that one, by His grace).
im just frustrated. ugh. I don't think there is a place, anywhere I can go where junk like this won't/wouldn't happen, honestly. I'm better off near my parents than I would be anywhere else, obviously. so, moving would be a good option under "ordinary circumstances" (I think?), but...no, I don't think its a viable option for me.
strength to bear up under it. and of course...His perfect will, for me. Thanks for reading.
so, early on, I was in a dunkin donuts, and...some college age lady called me 'society's reject,' and started laughing. not a big deal, I guess. i mean, it was what it was. plus, i hadn't -met- Jesus yet (Jesus was kind enough to start our 'meeting,' btw...I am literally eternally grateful...). ok...
its been nearly 10 years. 8 years into Knowing The Lord, I am healthy! bright eyed! surprisingly smart! reconciled to my (loving, long suffering) parents! law abiding! I even somehow look better, physically. these blessings, of course, come from on high, and they follow my 'conversion experience,' which...again...I desperately needed (every human being does, really), but I did nothing to deserve, I certainly did not love or truly pursue The Lord, in the flesh. no one does, is the impression I get from Scripture. moving on...
I think I'm kinda sorta permanently "society's reject." now, because my parents have forgiven me (God's work), and they have defied all the plots and such against their careers (upwardly mobile, in the context of well educated people who fight harder and harder over less and less, it seems) to become upper middle class, perhaps well to do, and...yeah, im doing ok, in terms of living, my needs, etc. thing is...
now, because of all that, "society's reject" seems to have been recoded as "Schizophrenia." It...is what it is, it just gets stressful and frustrating, I guess. I don't have tons of stuff, but I have the stuff I need + a tad extra, plus I have my parents' support and love, and...
The Lord has seen fit to be quite merciful and kind towards me, I think it what I'm getting at, that's it. Its just...well, you know how I often typed out my frustrations with unprofessional junk from the mental health people I currently deal with? yeah...its ongoing. one, she calls me...her job is to help place people in jobs or volunteer spots. she plays nice, now, but lately...whether she calls from her office at the clinic (less frequent, covid) or from home (more frequent), someone else, in the background, will talk just loudly enough for me to hear...
rambling, it boils down to I apparently need to know a) that I "Developed Schizophrenia" and b) I'm only being "tolerated" because I come from a "good family." ugh. could me infinitely worse...cannot imagine what's left of the -state hospital. from what i've read about it, once they put you there...they don't really wanna let you leave, unless you lawyer up.
ugh. so, basically, I'm slathered in labels and junk, no its not just a "victim of society" deal, its...where I'm at, right now. and...it is infinitely frustrating, because i was kind of hoping that my progress in Christ would lead to a small job or something, but even then...
ugh. i couldn't even volunteer without taunts and jibber jabber, so i don't think a j-o-b would be better. might be worse, since...you know, when one volunteers, its the volunteer -giving- ... vs work, where the exchange is pay for labor. I probably just got a little taste of what a j-o-b would be like, towards the end of volunteering. no, these are not 'hallucinations,' i haven't 'hallucinated' or anything for a couple years now, God is Good. the closest I get is my mind looping on and replaying junk from the not so distant past, and that's not being out of touch with reality, that's just...rough, i dunno. im lucid, that's the point.
I have so much to be grateful for, and I...cannot tell you how frustrating this non-stop bullying and taunting can get, and its better here than it would be in real poverty or in a rented apt. or living with my parents, even.
so, yeah. "society's reject..." in Christ, I am forgiven and I actually handle this better than in years past. Not that Jesus is my 'coping mechanism," far from it, its more like...I can look to Him and have real, live hope and a degree of peace (getting better with that one, by His grace).
im just frustrated. ugh. I don't think there is a place, anywhere I can go where junk like this won't/wouldn't happen, honestly. I'm better off near my parents than I would be anywhere else, obviously. so, moving would be a good option under "ordinary circumstances" (I think?), but...no, I don't think its a viable option for me.
strength to bear up under it. and of course...His perfect will, for me. Thanks for reading.