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Talk of suicide

G

GojuBrian

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My 14yr old step daughter is telling us she is having thoughts of killing herself again.
A few years ago her parents divorced after her dad was having multiple affairs and was physically abusive to her mother.
A couple of years after that she said she had held a knife to her throat and was going to kill herself.
I notice several things going on in her life.
She doesn't fit in at school, has very few friends, her interests are a few years behind the 'popular' things. Her interests are also very dark. She likes anime and I see it as a bunch of misfit ,depressed, loathesome, teenage drama types.... hard to describe. It's very strange to me.
The last time this happened her mother sent her to counseling for a few months. I guess it helped, but I can't say I noticed change.
She seems to be very outcast,loathsome,depressed, down on herself, angry, sarcastic, self-centered, etc..... I write it off as being a 14yr old girl in today's world.
I'm not sure where my role fits in here as what to do. Her mother and I have been married two years, but we dated for five years.
My thoughts are that she is just wanting more attention and her mom seems to feel the same way. At the same time, we don't want to be wrong.
How serious should we take this? What steps should we take?

Advice much appreciated.
 
GojuBrian said:
My 14yr old step daughter is telling us she is having thoughts of killing herself again.
A few years ago her parents divorced after her dad was having multiple affairs and was physically abusive to her mother.
A couple of years after that she said she had held a knife to her throat and was going to kill herself.
I notice several things going on in her life.
She doesn't fit in at school, has very few friends, her interests are a few years behind the 'popular' things. Her interests are also very dark. She likes anime and I see it as a bunch of misfit ,depressed, loathesome, teenage drama types.... hard to describe. It's very strange to me.
The last time this happened her mother sent her to counseling for a few months. I guess it helped, but I can't say I noticed change.
She seems to be very outcast,loathsome,depressed, down on herself, angry, sarcastic, self-centered, etc..... I write it off as being a 14yr old girl in today's world.
I'm not sure where my role fits in here as what to do. Her mother and I have been married two years, but we dated for five years.
My thoughts are that she is just wanting more attention and her mom seems to feel the same way. At the same time, we don't want to be wrong.
How serious should we take this? What steps should we take?

Advice much appreciated.
Click to expand...

Every suicide threat is very serious. It is a cry for help. There is something that she went through that is causing her so much pain that the only way out she sees is death. I can't say what the cause of her pain is because I do not know her or her history.

My advice would be to talk her not in a confrontational and judgmental way, but in a loving and caring way. Tell her how much she means to you and that you would like to make a commitment to her (covenant) that you will always be by her side to listen and help her. Her part of the commitment would be to talk to a professional counselor that is also a Christian and to keep going until she feels better as well as dealing with the root cause of her pain.
 
Take it very, very seriously.

Is she on any kind of medications? Medications for depression, ADHD, bi-polar... anything like that? Even asthma medications... my son was put on Singular and started having nightmares and thoughts of suicide. He would wake up from a bad dream and lay in his bed thinking about going into the kitchen, getting a knife and killing himself. And he's a normally very well adjusted, happy kid with plenty of friends.

So many times, these meds are tested for adults... not for the ever changing bodies of children and they can really wreak havoc with teens. If she's on anything like this, she needs to get with the doctor and things need to be evaluated in case it's the medications doing this.

Here's what might be a startling but needed question: Do you love her? If so, you need to make sure she knows that... tell her, often... daily, several times a day. Even if she just rolls her eyes (14yr old stuff), she really needs a father's love and it doesn't sound as if her birth father is fulfilling his role.

If you don't love her, if she's just the daughter of your wife, don't put on an act... she'll see right through it. But, if you really can't step up to be a positive father to her, does she have a grandpa, uncle... anyone? It's really important for girls to have a solid dad at this time in their lives.

Also, kids who are misfits are often subject to bullying and girl bullying is really bad. Is she being bullied? Is she the subject of gossip, of campaigns by other girls to undermine any relationships she might develop, being made to feel stupid because of the way she looks, dresses, talks, etc.... What is life like for her at school?

I would say that she is being drawn to dark things in her life because life is dark for her. Now, anime and things like this doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing... it could be more of an outlet for her. But, I think its more of a symptom than the problem at this point.
 
Thanks for the advice.
She is not on any medication, but she sometimes takes Zyrtec for allergies. She is picked at school quite a bit I believe. Some because of her appearance and hygiene, some because of her interests.
It angers me to hear when she is bullied. Kids are so mean, especially the girls. I just want what's best for her and for her to take care of herself. I care for her very much, but I don't love her like a daughter or like I probably should.
It's hard because of things that have went on in the past. She has betrayed her mother and I don't like the way she treats her mother.
I see her as expecting instant gratification and wants for nothing, spoiled rotten. She has more freedom than any 14yr old should. When I have caught her lying it caused a lot of problems between her mother and I. I was left feeling like it was none of my business.
I'm going to talk to her about putting her back in counseling.
 
Counseling is a good idea... and perhaps you can find a counselor like we did, someone who was as committed to helping Steve and I parent Viola in the way she needed as she was helping Viola work through her issues.

I know you probably feel guilty about not loving her as a daughter, but then again, she isn't your daughter... she's the daughter of your wife. Perhaps if you had entered her life when she was much, much younger, you would love her... as it is, I do believe you when you say you care for her, but...

However, and this isn't to make you feel bad but to hopefully clairify things... she's fully aware of that "but"... Her birth father sounds like he's a jerk, and her mother now lives with a guy who, while is a nice enough guy, doesn't have a father's love for her.

I hope that you can work to see past the surface here. You said, "I see her as expecting instant gratification and wants for nothing, spoiled rotten."

At the same time though, she's a girl who's family is broken, who's father is a jerk, who is having trouble being able to fit in, who is being bullied, and who doesn't have the very basic thing in life that God determined all children need: Parents who love each other and have built a stable home.

None of this is to judge you... I really don't want to come off as judgmental... just pointing things out from her point of view. Looking at your time line it sounds as if her home fell apart on her when she was 9 years old... just at the verge of puberty... a vulnerable time for anyone to go through... and her parents weren't there for her... dad was off with other women and mom was getting involved with you.

Try not to view her as spoiled... try to view her as wounded.

One more note about the counseling... you said she was in counseling for a couple of months... just to give you some perspective, we had Viola in counseling from the time she was 6 until last year... not the entire time, but we take her back when things got rough for her. A couple of months isn't enough time to resolve anything.
 
Kid will do dumb stuff... Hurt kids dumber stuff... Often they will push away those they wish to hold close ( like Mom) not realizing they are doing so....Asking or thinking will Mom leave me too. testing us....

Schools today are a cause of too much pain seems a lot of what Viola suffers comes from school. Girls are so hurtful. Ever see what chickens do to a weak one? Girls are called CHICKS.

Goju, You have been around here long enough to know Handy she is spot on. There is life after teenage kids.
 
I'm going to give her more attention. I'll do my best to love her and talk to her.
Should she be monitored more closely?
She posts on Facebook and texts back and forth with no telling who.
Honestly, I have no idea who she is talking to or about what.
The texts seem frantic at times. I can tell when she gets antsy. She paces around, one finger in her mouth, sighing heavily, etc..
We also have three younger children and I think she feels left out a lot.
 
You'll have to talk things over with her mom, but yeah... absolutely I think her texting and facebook should be monitored. Oh yes indeed!!!!!


We ran into trouble just at Easter with Viola and texting... she and a guy were texting and it got out of hand. She swears up and down she was only "teasing" and would never actually do the things they talked about... but, without a doubt he was trying to convince her to sneak out of the house and sneak into his bedroom (and bed) with him.... She was putting him off, but by being flirty in other ways... and I would have never known this was going on except I picked up her phone and checked her text history....

They can get into real trouble, real fast these days with fb and texting. I think any parent who allows their children unmonitored usage of texting and computers are not aware just how much trouble they can get into.

Again, talk this over with her mom and make sure she's wholly on board first.

I think if you can really step up to the plate to be a father figure for her, it will help her immensely.
 
I have talked with her mom about it. Her mom says she needs her privacy. She keeps her phone locked when she's not using it, so no one knows what or who she is talking to or about. She deletes her messages all the time too.
I maintain that privacy is for people who are self sustaining and responsible for themselves. When I push the issue, it causes problems between us.
I don't know what I can do there.
A few months back( when she had a phone she couldn't lock) I looked at her texts. It was full of foul language and filth.... The issue was made into more of 'why was I looking at her phone'
Well, I looked because of some stuff I overheard in conversation.
 
I think your wife is really off base... either she just doesn't understand the risk, or something else is at play...

A 14 year old girl needs privacy in her bedroom and in the bathroom, and I would say even those places are subject to searches if the parent deems necessary. And other than those two places, privacy? NOPE!!! Girls are at the most vulnerable time of their lives when they are between 12 and 17... when their bodies are mature and their minds are still very young and easily manipulated. By 16-17, if they've recieved enough good input from caring adults, they'll start to wise up themselves... before then? I've yet to meet one that I would trust 100%.

Your step daughter is talking suicide for heaven's sake... the first order of business is to start checking the texting and posting histories...
 
Your in a tight place. I know because I was in a similar place with my step daughter years ago relationship wise (not suicidal wise). If I had a chance to do it over, I would.

Dora is right in that girls need a solid father, or at least a solid fatherly figure. You may not like to hear what I have to say, but it sounds like if you and your wife can't get on the same page with raising her, you both might want to seek some good Christian counseling as well.

Your the man of the house, and you shouldn't be expected to stop being / doing what God created you naturally to be / do with the added commandment to Love your wife. That being said, being from a blended family raises a whole different set of dynamics, and you'll always be looked at differently as a Father figure by your step daughter... but you already knew that. However, you and your wife need to be on the same page in regard to your step daughter. It's about consistency and showing a unified effort. My step daughter used to tell me, "It's between me and my Mom" and I thought it was a step-father thing... but I've heard it recently from my son, and he got the same answer my step daughter got and that was, "We are unified". At least my wife and I got that right, but it took a lot of effort and an agreement that regardless, we would never undermine the other and out differences would be discussed behind closed doors.

You need to win your step daughters trust and you need to build the best relationship with her that she will allow. You may not love her as your own daughter, but the fact that your asking advice tells us you do care for her. It's not too late, you can build a better relationship with her. First off you need to find her love language and speak to her with her love languages. I remember my step daughter saying, "Why are you acting like this all of a sudden". And I told her, "Because I haven't been treating you the way I should have been treating you."

Second you need to find out her interests, and try to participate in her interests with her. You may even start a tradition by taking her out to eat once a month, or to a movie with just the two of you. Lastly, she's at the age where you will be parenting more by influence than by authority and as she gets older, parenting by authority will only drive her further away, so I can't stress enough how you have a narrow window to start building this relationship, and as you build the relationship, perhaps she will open herself up to those dark feelings she's having. Treat them gently and don't try to fix them right away. She has to know that she can trust you with her feelings before she will share them with you. This is one reason why you and your wife need to be unified in front of her. She needs something solid that's not in chaos because I'm sure she knows the tension between you and your wife.

I've got a lot of regrets with my step daughter and I realized a lot of stuff way too late. Your daughter is still young and reachable, and I know she's worth your effort.
 
handy said:
I think your wife is really off base... either she just doesn't understand the risk, or something else is at play...
Click to expand...

I believe the same.

A 14 year old girl needs privacy in her bedroom and in the bathroom, and I would say even those places are subject to searches if the parent deems necessary. And other than those two places, privacy? NOPE!!! Girls are at the most vulnerable time of their lives when they are between 12 and 17... when their bodies are mature and their minds are still very young and easily manipulated. By 16-17, if they've recieved enough good input from caring adults, they'll start to wise up themselves... before then? I've yet to meet one that I would trust 100%.

Your step daughter is talking suicide for heaven's sake... the first order of business is to start checking the texting and posting histories...
Click to expand...

Thank you! I completely agree. I will push harder for her mom to see it that way.

Thank you for the constructive criticism on my part too. I know it's time to make changes in what I'm doing and not doing.
 
StoveBolts said:
Your in a tight place. I know because I was in a similar place with my step daughter years ago relationship wise (not suicidal wise). If I had a chance to do it over, I would.

Dora is right in that girls need a solid father, or at least a solid fatherly figure. You may not like to hear what I have to say, but it sounds like if you and your wife can't get on the same page with raising her, you both might want to seek some good Christian counseling as well.

Your the man of the house, and you shouldn't be expected to stop being / doing what God created you naturally to be / do with the added commandment to Love your wife. That being said, being from a blended family raises a whole different set of dynamics, and you'll always be looked at differently as a Father figure by your step daughter... but you already knew that. However, you and your wife need to be on the same page in regard to your step daughter. It's about consistency and showing a unified effort. My step daughter used to tell me, "It's between me and my Mom" and I thought it was a step-father thing... but I've heard it recently from my son, and he got the same answer my step daughter got and that was, "We are unified". At least my wife and I got that right, but it took a lot of effort and an agreement that regardless, we would never undermine the other and out differences would be discussed behind closed doors.

You need to win your step daughters trust and you need to build the best relationship with her that she will allow. You may not love her as your own daughter, but the fact that your asking advice tells us you do care for her. It's not too late, you can build a better relationship with her. First off you need to find her love language and speak to her with her love languages. I remember my step daughter saying, "Why are you acting like this all of a sudden". And I told her, "Because I haven't been treating you the way I should have been treating you."

Second you need to find out her interests, and try to participate in her interests with her. You may even start a tradition by taking her out to eat once a month, or to a movie with just the two of you. Lastly, she's at the age where you will be parenting more by influence than by authority and as she gets older, parenting by authority will only drive her further away, so I can't stress enough how you have a narrow window to start building this relationship, and as you build the relationship, perhaps she will open herself up to those dark feelings she's having. Treat them gently and don't try to fix them right away. She has to know that she can trust you with her feelings before she will share them with you. This is one reason why you and your wife need to be unified in front of her. She needs something solid that's not in chaos because I'm sure she knows the tension between you and your wife.

I've got a lot of regrets with my step daughter and I realized a lot of stuff way too late. Your daughter is still young and reachable, and I know she's worth your effort.
Click to expand...

Thank you Steve! You're right. Thank you for the great suggestions as well!

Hopefully I can get on the right track with all of this.

We have four kids. 8yr old girl,2-10yr old boys, and the 14yr old. The 8 and 20yr old boy is mine, the other two hers biologically.

We have girl scouts, band, drama, baseball, karate, etc.... I feel like I'm pulled 15 different directions some days right when I get off work. I get more rest at work,lol.

Thanks again. I'll keep you guys posted.
 
Something on building trust....

Dont tell some one to do something you can not make them do.
If you can not take their phones dont threaten to do so....( i dont think kids should have phones) Locked phones and who is paying for the phone?
If you make a promise KEEP it
When you goof up, like Stove says, ask for forgiveness/apologize

The older girl is setting the stage for the younger believe you me the younger is watching...

Some of what your dealing with is normal :eeeekkk
 
brian feel free to call me. i have a 12 year old that im dad too. i have dealt with my wife wanting to end it at times.

if you dont have my# pm me and i will tell you it.
 
I picked her up from school today after her practice. She had papers in her hand and I asked about them. They were full copied reports about the Columbine shooting. I asked her what that was all about. She said,"I want to get inside their head and figure out why they did that. There has to be a reason other than they are just psycho."
That seems really strange to me.

We had a girls softball game and she wanted to stay home, but I made her go with us. Why would I leave her home alone after all this going on? Ofcourse, she was upset I made her go, but I really don't feel comfortable with her being home alone.
 
Have you let the school counselor know what's going on... It might be a good idea to do so.

and I agree... she shouldn't be left alone.
 
No, I haven't personally. I've talked to her mom and she has agreed she should be monitored closely as far as social media.
 
That's good to hear... I'm glad that her mom is stepping up to this particular plate!


...I've found our school counselor to be very helpful. Not only with Viola, but with some other young girls I know... one of Viola's friends can get depressed and start cutting herself... the school counselor really helps her.

Keep an eye on her... someone in her state of mind wanting to be in the heads of the Columbine killers is definitely something to be concerned about. I'm sure the school counselor would appreciate being alerted to it.
 
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