The Absent Dad

[roger_dodger]

I am always amazed by the cheek of the radical feminist. They demand a false charade in which men are expected to cheerfully pretend that women are their "equal" - a rediculous notion - and, then, demand that men be the "leader"! There can only be one leader, period. Since feminst women have decided that men are no longer head of the family, they can hardly whine that men aren't fulfilling the duties thereof.

We see further absurdities when we discover that the "real and primary role of fathers --> to delight their children"! What rubbish! The roles of a father are:

1) Provide financially for the family and determine how those finances are used.
2) Delegate necessary tasks to the wife and authority to carry them out.
3) Set standards of behavior for the children.
4) Ultimate reponsibility for discipline.
5) Provide moral leadership.
6) Teach by word and by example the life a child is to lead when they become adults.
7) Lead/participate in educational/recreational activities as time permits.

When I was a child (and America was a Christian nation), there was no doubt in regards to which parent was the head of the household. My father made all major decisions and, although he usually consulted and/or sought input from my mother, he was final arbiter. My father was the ultimate authority in our home and my mother invoked "Wait until your father gets home!" as the ultimate threat when the behavior of myself or my siblings did not meet the standard - and it was no idle threat.

I had a drug problem as a child - my father drug me to school, my father drug me to church, my father drug me to choir practice (I hated it. His response - "It's good for you."), my father drug me away from the TV, et cetera ad infinitum.

My father was often an usher in our church (when I became an adult, I joined him in that task) and sat on a number of committees and boards. My father led our family prayers. My father said grace before our evening (and weekend) meals. My father led by example and my father taught us mostly by example. My father worked long hours (as, I may add, did my mother - in the home and community) and taught us the value of hard work, supplying the financial needs of our family. My father went to my Little League games, my sister's High School plays and operettas, my brother's marching band contests as his schedule permitted. The first time I handled a shotgun, a fishing pole or a baseball bat was when he handed those things to me. The first time I sat behind the wheel of a car, he was in the passenger seat.

My father taught me something no woman ever could - how to be a man and what was expected of a man.

My father was not perfect. He made mistakes. On occasion, he made decisions that were wrong (which my mother reminded him of from time to time ;) ). I would have liked it more at that time if he would have "delighted" me more. But, I never had any doubt who the "leader" was, who the Boss was.

If anything, what we have is a lack of "mothers" who have abdicated their responsibilities to school, child care, Molly Maid, et al while pursuing their selfish "interesting, challenging careers".

To expect men to accept the absurd charade of "equality" and then be the "leader" is foolish at best. You can have one or the other, but not both.

Preach, brother, preach! Amen! Couldn't have said it better!

American women have murdered tens of millions of their own children in abortion mills and then complian men aren't being good fathers! The arrogance!

 

[Sparkey]

I thought about opening the thread in the Christian Advice forum because debate is enforcably prohibited there but it was and is my belief that every person can hear wisdom as she makes her voice known in the streets.

 

[warhorse]

There is a great rift in the American family that has, in my opinion, done more harm than can be measured. Even in traditional "nuculear families" that are comprised of two parents it is more often than not the case that 'Daddy' is missing. He's at work following the need he feels to provide which isn't a bad thing except when it becomes the focus to the exclusion of other more important issues.

If it could be said that the goal and function of the family is to raise healthy, productive children -- then it follows that this would be the primary function of the leader (so called) of the family.

When I look at the goals of the Women's Movement who have said that they want equality with men a certain amount of admiration is formed. At least they have defined and communicated the basic idea to society in general. That progress has helped get advertisers on their side, because they know where the money is. Advertisers have spent billions upon billions trying to understand how the different demographics think and have targeted women (the ones who hold the purse-strings in most families) as well as children. Women have benefited from this but have also been hurt by marketing attempts to "empower" them. They are constantly being subjected with the need to remain young and sexually alluring because that's the key to sales in the minds of madison avenue - fear.

In the same way, men have been portrayed as, frankly --idiots. The stories and narratives that are spun by those who control the sales campaigns and marketing stragedies portray men as bumbling idiots or as pimps or as a generation who has sold out and consider money to be the solution to all problems. Success has been redefined and men's abjucation of duty to family and especially children has been ignored, replaces by the respect gained from atheletic prowess or financial success. What are men? They are [fill in the blank]. How far down the list must we travel to find the answer: fathers and/or dads? If men were more joined in and focused on the need to raise healthy children, if they were not absent at PTA, if they lead their families and insisted on the basics, education, moral fiber, proper nutrition, and the real and primary role of fathers --> to delight their children, how much would THAT go to heal our nation and society? How quickly would women jump back into the union they once dreamed of? It is my thought that if dads were no longer absent in heart from the family, families could then go on to much more than they can today foresee or even dream of. The momentum of such a thing, in truth --> would supply such directed, self-reinforcing power that (again, in my opinion) healing would flow.


I started this post to see if we could generate discussion about how society has made it okay for dads to just become token fathers and how images and roles they play on television, in commercials (can you even think of a 'dad commercial') in newsmedia is shaping our ideas to our detriment. Your thoughts and contributions are welcome.

~Sparrow

Agreed, america is falling apart because its families are falling apart, And the family is collapsing because dad is absent. Even the childrens shows display men/boys as idiots. I dont let my boys watch those shows. Might i encourage those of you who have raised your own kids to step back into the frey, and foster or adopt.

 

[Sparkey]

Agreed, america is falling apart because its families are falling apart, And the family is collapsing because dad is absent. Even the childrens shows display men/boys as idiots. I dont let my boys watch those shows. Might i encourage those of you who have raised your own kids to step back into the frey, and foster or adopt.

Warhorse, I am so proud of those who have joined their voice in this discussion and your contribution about fostering and adopting children is no less than any other. A little story about "the problem" may serve to show what I mean.

About 10 years ago my little family lived in an area that had severe drug and gang problems. The family run local hardware store owner confided to me that their little store was the nations number one seller for a chief ingredient used by local meth labs to make the drug. Suffice it to say that it wasn't the best place to raise kids. It was an unincorporated part of the county and many concerned parents wanted to form a city so that their tax dollars would be put to better use.

I was against incorporation. Here's the problem as I saw it: The county was aware of the problem and wanted to get the drug sellers off the street. They knew the consequence of such widespread arrests ---> as the jails swelled and their populations increased exponentially, so also would children would be left homeless and without hope. So the county started a campaign to focus awareness on the needs of their community, targeting basic needs first and began to increase the numbers of foster and adoptive homes available. Long story short, the plan worked, I've talked to my friend, the drug-store owner and he says that its still a problem but nothing like it was before.

Now that the major trouble that has happened to my ol' home town is starting to turn the corner, if I were living there today -- I'd feel better about incorporating into cityhood there. The point that I'm trying to make is that basic care for children and the lack thereof reaches so much further into society than we know. In one way of thinking that (the absense of the ability to care for kids) was the thing that allowed lawlessness to thrive in my old neighborhood.

Now I hope that nobody comes to thread and says, "What Rubbish" again - because I'm not blaming crack on absent dads but just trying to point to one problem that continued longer than it should have because the real needs of children is so great and it simply can not be ignored any longer. I consider foster-parents and adoptive parents my personal heroes. That is not the image that is oftentimes associated with these godly acts. Families united and parents who are acting on God's concern for widows and orphans and the poor along with the hearts of the fathers being turned toward children and the hearts of children being turned back to dads ----> will go a long way to serving the real needs of society. I don't think I can possibly overstate the healing nature of such things.

Thank you for your thought, Warhorse. Thank you kindly.

~Sparrow

 

[Mike]

We had our son by birth and then did foster care for a while before adopting two girls through the system. I'm not saying this to boast in any way. On the contrary, most foster parents will tell you that we receive much more than we give. I become uncomfortable with the accolades that come with it. I know they are well intended, but they can miss the mark.

Being a dad (or a mom) is an honor and a blessing whether by birth or by adoption. Both are hard work that pays for itself many times over. But the investment needs to be there. The more you put in, the more you will be blessed exponentially. :yes

 

[Sakura]

I am always amazed by the cheek of the radical feminist. They demand a false charade in which men are expected to cheerfully pretend that women are their "equal" - a rediculous notion - and, then, demand that men be the "leader"! There can only be one leader, period. Since feminst women have decided that men are no longer head of the family, they can hardly whine that men aren't fulfilling the duties thereof.

We see further absurdities when we discover that the "real and primary role of fathers --> to delight their children"! What rubbish! The roles of a father are:

1) Provide financially for the family and determine how those finances are used.
2) Delegate necessary tasks to the wife and authority to carry them out.
3) Set standards of behavior for the children.
4) Ultimate reponsibility for discipline.
5) Provide moral leadership.
6) Teach by word and by example the life a child is to lead when they become adults.
7) Lead/participate in educational/recreational activities as time permits.

When I was a child (and America was a Christian nation), there was no doubt in regards to which parent was the head of the household. My father made all major decisions and, although he usually consulted and/or sought input from my mother, he was final arbiter. My father was the ultimate authority in our home and my mother invoked "Wait until your father gets home!" as the ultimate threat when the behavior of myself or my siblings did not meet the standard - and it was no idle threat.

I had a drug problem as a child - my father drug me to school, my father drug me to church, my father drug me to choir practice (I hated it. His response - "It's good for you."), my father drug me away from the TV, et cetera ad infinitum.

My father was often an usher in our church (when I became an adult, I joined him in that task) and sat on a number of committees and boards. My father led our family prayers. My father said grace before our evening (and weekend) meals. My father led by example and my father taught us mostly by example. My father worked long hours (as, I may add, did my mother - in the home and community) and taught us the value of hard work, supplying the financial needs of our family. My father went to my Little League games, my sister's High School plays and operettas, my brother's marching band contests as his schedule permitted. The first time I handled a shotgun, a fishing pole or a baseball bat was when he handed those things to me. The first time I sat behind the wheel of a car, he was in the passenger seat.

My father taught me something no woman ever could - how to be a man and what was expected of a man.

My father was not perfect. He made mistakes. On occasion, he made decisions that were wrong (which my mother reminded him of from time to time ;) ). I would have liked it more at that time if he would have "delighted" me more. But, I never had any doubt who the "leader" was, who the Boss was.

If anything, what we have is a lack of "mothers" who have abdicated their responsibilities to school, child care, Molly Maid, et al while pursuing their selfish "interesting, challenging careers".

To expect men to accept the absurd charade of "equality" and then be the "leader" is foolish at best. You can have one or the other, but not both.

Just wonderful 2. Fortunately my dad is not like yours and I never had to wonder that my mum was an equal. An equal in worth, and equal in respect and equally deserving of my love . They have treated me and my sister very well and pushed us to be all we could be. The relationship you describe does not sound one bit appealing to me and if that makes me a feminist then thank you!

What parents need to do is respect each other especially in front of the children and they both need to put time into their children. Both my parents worked and my sister and I are all the better for it as we got when we needed it equal time from mummy and daddy.

Thank goodness I'm an equal and can lead and be lead when need be.;)

 

[Sakura]

Preach, brother, preach! Amen! Couldn't have said it better!

American women have murdered tens of millions of their own children in abortion mills and then complian men aren't being good fathers! The arrogance!

Just charming. And on a logical note, I don't think those aborting children (and who have none) are complaining about men not being good fathers, unless their own fathers were not good.

When you blame others for your own mistakes it only relates what kind of person you are. Those who would be cajoled into parenthood by women in my opinion probably wouldn't be good fathers anyway.

Both men and women need to stop having children if they have no intention of caring for them. Deadbeat mothers and fathers should blame themselves for abandoning their children and both share the responsibility.

 

[Christ_empowered]

This hit home with me. My dad was never really all that interested in me growing up--even though my mom worked longer hours than he did, she was the primary caretaker. This resulted in a lack of respect for him. Growing up, I mistreated my father, and he mistreated me.

Now, as an adult (I'm 26), my dad and I have (re)connected, and its awesome. Having an active father (or father-figure) in your life is great at any age.

 

[Bonairos]

I believe it's important for Dads to say the words "I love you" to their sons and daughters. These words are important to say, but they are meaningless if a dad doesn't just "be" with them; spend time with them.

Also important is demonstrating how our sons should assume their rolls as fathers and husbands. We should be showing our daughters the kind of man that they should demand of their husbands and not settle for less.

Worth repeating! It is of vital importance that our children HEAR those words: "I LOVE YOU!" as the norm.

Growing up I can't remember HEARING those words from my father. So you know what I did? I made it a point to always tell my children (especially my 3 boys and now also my 2 son-in-laws and 2 daughter-in-laws) that I love them. Not only that, but I always am greeted with a kiss and hug when coming or going. (and if for some reason, they forget to, I call them back and plant a BIG one on them. We're teaching our grandchildren the same.

One of my sons was the captian of his high school football team and (as with all my children) I would not hold back any physical expressions, even at the games. I can tell you he was the envy of most. Not because of his athletic abilities but because he had a dad who loved him and didn't care who was around to SEE and HEAR it. BTW this son, when he was in Iraq told me that when he was engaged and afraid (as was all in his unit), he would hear my voice and focus on the matter at hand leading and encouraging his peers; even when his superiors were paralyzed by what was going on.

When my daughters were about to get married and their husbands asked for my blessing, I told them only if they could assure me that they would love my girls and take care of them, just as or better than I did. I cannot tell you how that commitment came into play as they grow into one. After all, they promised and I'm not shy to remind them of that! HAHA!

I may not be able to say I heard my father speak those words over me, but I can say (and to God be the glory), my children hear it constantly from their father.

I'm not writing this to give myself props (far from it), I shared because maybe we cannot say we had the experience of a great dad, but we can give someone else that experience even if we, ourselves were deprived of one.


Be blessed, Stay blessed!

 

[Sparkey]

What do Families Do?
Are they sometimes involved in shared moments of bliss? Yeah. Babies are born, children graduate, providers get promotions, celebrations come and go. Families stand together in happiness and growth. Are families sometimes involved with events from the other end of the spectrum? Yeah. Funerals happen, children are held back in school, providers lose jobs. Families also go together to the house of sadness --and grow. When I look at all the things that families do there is one thing that stands out: Good families stand together. They stand by each other. Some do this better than others but when it comes to the real glue that holds and binds families it is those moments of togetherness, and doesn't matter what form that comes in; watching television, eating meals, studying together, even crying together binds us and keeps our hearts strong through the worst of times.

What Part is Missing?
When I wonder what part (if any) can be said to be the missing part in American families the thing that strikes me is the divide between the hearts of children and their dads (not trying to put blame here) that is just too often the case. How does this happen? It could be for any reason - it doesn't have to be the fault of any family member. Absense of role models perhaps. For instance, we are constantly bombarded by messages from various forms of media: television, internet, magazines, even the newspapers --that send multiple mixed messages, sometimes difficult to understand. Men are often portrayed as bumbling clowns. Who can have confidence in those kinds of leaders??

Role models for children often include men who have their priorities placed elsewhere. I like sports figures and enjoy watching stories and narratives seen on television and the movies --but when we think about strong male role models that are found in such places, how are they portrayed? Seldom do we see the image of a strong dad as the driving force for the story. It's just not exciting enough, perhaps? So, can we blame the media? Yes, in part. Children sometimes have glitter-dust rubbed into their eyes by the media and they need adult help to connect the dots. Also, sometimes the economy is such that things that what would be ideal are sacrificed for the sake of survival. Who wants to be forced into a situation where, in order to eat or put a roof over their kids' heads, both parents have to be away from their loved ones for extended periods of time? Can we blame the economy? Yes, again --in part.

Blame as a Game
The false idea that mothers are to blame is wrong to the point that I would have to say that no, mothers who have suffered abuse (emotional, physical or otherwise) and have been taught or told that they were inferior or somehow less than who God made them to be are not at fault. Women who are working to set the record straight may be misled about some stuff (I don't support the full women's 'liberation' movement and every agenda I've heard attributed to them) but where lies the blame in establishing truth? Saying that women are to be valued as people and decrying the lies that have been told to make women less than than who they are --isn't the reason that many dad's are absent from the home. But that's not the point of this thread. Let's agree to set aside such things for another thread. We can't solve all the world's problems here. Does playing the blame game matter? To the extent that it could serve to focus indivdual families on specific areas that they would do well to think about, sure. But when somebody is pointing fingers for the sole purpose of saying, "It's not my fault, that's all I'm saying," then no. That kind of thinking doesn't help, but instead detracts from healthy progress and engenders strife. Although I disagree (respectfully) with some of the things that old_tractor said about eqality - I heartily agree with his sentiment that men need to teach their sons how to be men in truth. That was the heart of his message. His dad showed him what it meant to be a man by remaining with him (in heart) throughout his childood and that too is a cause for celebration.

The Path to Health
Kindly consider the need to take true aim when establishing a goal. If we are lining up our sights while shooting an arrow all the work is done in flight but only those things done prior to that arrow leaving the string counts for where it will land. Children are arrows that when fired, fly to the destination oftentimes determined by fathers. It is a sad fact that dads, by their absence (in heart), effect the course of their arrorws by their departure more than they know or can admit. Dad, you do well when you point your kids at God. How do we do that? It's like what I tried to say earlier, stand together as your familiy accomplishes what it is given to do. It's like what Reba pointed to: Love the mothers of your children (your wife) who helps you in truth. It's like what Mike said earlier, by renewal of "commitments to our purpose as Godly fathers" in order to impact our children in only the best of ways.

Pilots file detailed flight plans before the plane leaves the ground but during the journey various forces work against the plane to take it off course. Weather, wind, even other air traffic can alter the course of the plane sometimes by miles --but what happens is that the pilots get constant feedback and make course corrections so that it turns out that most of the time the plane is not even on the prescribed path. Still, it is the partnership between the pilot and the air-traffic controllers that allow that plane to arrive at the destination. I like the analogy of a plane in flight because it represents the unity that forms between God and the family where mom and dad are co-pilots that lead all passengers (including the crew) to the destination that everyone agrees on: heaven. It is the feedback of the Holy Spirit given to all members of the family that really counts as the one thing that can restore what is good. It may sound trite to say it, but the family that offers heartfelt prayers together (when was the last time that happened) that stays together and wholeheartedly trusts and counts on each other to be there.

The advantage of two walking together (father and wife, mother and husband) is that if one falls the other can carry. It is my hope here to start conversation about those things that work against the journey as well as the things that help us get there, where we can look carefully and set our sights on the trust destination. I had the honor of getting a phone call yesterday. It was my son. "Dad, I need prayer." May I tell you how proud I am of him? Maybe I will, later. Time for me to listen though as I am very much interested in hearing what you have to say.

~Sparrow

 

[jasoncran]

Worth repeating! It is of vital importance that our children HEAR those words: "I LOVE YOU!" as the norm.

Growing up I can't remember HEARING those words from my father. So you know what I did? I made it a point to always tell my children (especially my 3 boys and now also my 2 son-in-laws and 2 daughter-in-laws) that I love them. Not only that, but I always am greeted with a kiss and hug when coming or going. (and if for some reason, they forget to, I call them back and plant a BIG one on them. We're teaching our grandchildren the same.

One of my sons was the captian of his high school football team and (as with all my children) I would not hold back any physical expressions, even at the games. I can tell you he was the envy of most. Not because of his athletic abilities but because he had a dad who loved him and didn't care who was around to SEE and HEAR it. BTW this son, when he was in Iraq told me that when he was engaged and afraid (as was all in his unit), he would hear my voice and focus on the matter at hand leading and encouraging his peers; even when his superiors were paralyzed by what was going on.

When my daughters were about to get married and their husbands asked for my blessing, I told them only if they could assure me that they would love my girls and take care of them, just as or better than I did. I cannot tell you how that commitment came into play as they grow into one. After all, they promised and I'm not shy to remind them of that! HAHA!

I may not be able to say I heard my father speak those words over me, but I can say (and to God be the glory), my children hear it constantly from their father.

I'm not writing this to give myself props (far from it), I shared because maybe we cannot say we had the experience of a great dad, but we can give someone else that experience even if we, ourselves were deprived of one.


Be blessed, Stay blessed!

off topic, its odd what motives one in combat to snapp of that. for me it was seeing my dogs, oddly.

 

[reba]

A simple thought.... When our son was a toddler i gave a him a baby doll. One of our construction type friends had a fit.... trying to make him a sissy etc. our response... Nothing sissy about being a good father.

 

[PouringRain]

A simple thought.... When our son was a toddler i gave a him a baby doll. One of our construction type friends had a fit.... trying to make him a sissy etc. our response... Nothing sissy about being a good father.

I made a post almost identical to this on another forum recently.