Think my wife is closeted lesbian, help!

[LonelyDude]

Hi all,
I've always known that some things were off in my marriage (20 years), and have even made half-joking comments about how she is acting like a lesbian. About 4 months ago, a series of conversations made it very, very real: my wife is not heterosexual and has a clear preference for women.

In my morning prayers, God laid on my heart that my support network did not have many Christian voices. Hence, I am here trying to add some Christian voices to offer some insight.

I asked her to see an LGBTQ counselor. During the first month of waiting, I was in a place of empathy and compassion. We married as virgins and she had never been physically/emotionally intimate with a man before (high schoolers are boys, not men). How was she to know? She had no idea what her preferences were and I can imagine the internal torment and sacrifice of masquerading as a straight wife to a guy like me. I stopped initiating sexual contact, and have had to back away from other forms of intimacy as well. I've been living in the basement to avoid temptation and her irrational anger.

The second month of waiting brought me to a place of hopelessness and despair. Not knowing who I married, not knowing if my observations are correct or if I am just being an idiot, not knowing if our situation will ever change, but knowing that neither of our needs are being met and we are both miserable.

The third month of waiting brought me to anger and resentment. How dare she use me as a cover story, and simply accept that marital obligation justifies a lifetime of unhappiness! She has been in emotional affairs with women for years, while I have been suffocating both physically and emotionally! Since I wasn't getting answers from her, I had to turn to friends and online support groups. I am getting a resounding, unanimous response from 20+ people in different venues: she is lesbian and will never come out of her closet. In addition, they are using words such as "toxic" and "abusive" to describe how she treats me (and at times, our children).

Now in month 4 of waiting for her to see a counselor to sort out her orientation. I just don't know what to do. I truly believe that she has a beautiful, Godly personality.....for the rest of the world. She strives to honor God above all else and is a leader in women's ministry. She needs this marriage to support the platform she is teaching. She is doing great things. But, as a 200-pound military guy, I physically tremble with fear every time we engage in any conversation about our relationship, because the majority of them result in her berating me in some form. I've also been sexually starved and feel so ugly and undesirable. I know I am not meeting her needs, because her needs are for a woman.

What if she's gay and will never come out of her closet? What if I'm wrong about her and am just being a selfish idiot? What do I do?

 

[journeymanisnothing]

Hi all,
I've always known that some things were off in my marriage (20 years), and have even made half-joking comments about how she is acting like a lesbian. About 4 months ago, a series of conversations made it very, very real: my wife is not heterosexual and has a clear preference for women.

In my morning prayers, God laid on my heart that my support network did not have many Christian voices. Hence, I am here trying to add some Christian voices to offer some insight.

I asked her to see an LGBTQ counselor. During the first month of waiting, I was in a place of empathy and compassion. We married as virgins and she had never been physically/emotionally intimate with a man before (high schoolers are boys, not men). How was she to know? She had no idea what her preferences were and I can imagine the internal torment and sacrifice of masquerading as a straight wife to a guy like me. I stopped initiating sexual contact, and have had to back away from other forms of intimacy as well. I've been living in the basement to avoid temptation and her irrational anger.

The second month of waiting brought me to a place of hopelessness and despair. Not knowing who I married, not knowing if my observations are correct or if I am just being an idiot, not knowing if our situation will ever change, but knowing that neither of our needs are being met and we are both miserable.

The third month of waiting brought me to anger and resentment. How dare she use me as a cover story, and simply accept that marital obligation justifies a lifetime of unhappiness! She has been in emotional affairs with women for years, while I have been suffocating both physically and emotionally! Since I wasn't getting answers from her, I had to turn to friends and online support groups. I am getting a resounding, unanimous response from 20+ people in different venues: she is lesbian and will never come out of her closet. In addition, they are using words such as "toxic" and "abusive" to describe how she treats me (and at times, our children).

Now in month 4 of waiting for her to see a counselor to sort out her orientation. I just don't know what to do. I truly believe that she has a beautiful, Godly personality.....for the rest of the world. She strives to honor God above all else and is a leader in women's ministry. She needs this marriage to support the platform she is teaching. She is doing great things. But, as a 200-pound military guy, I physically tremble with fear every time we engage in any conversation about our relationship, because the majority of them result in her berating me in some form. I've also been sexually starved and feel so ugly and undesirable. I know I am not meeting her needs, because her needs are for a woman.

What if she's gay and will never come out of her closet? What if I'm wrong about her and am just being a selfish idiot? What do I do?

Hello Lonely Dude.
I have the same situation as you except it my wife was cheating on me with a a guy.

Dont let hate control you. Hate will only drive her farther from Jesus.
Satan wants us to point fingers. When we accuse, its his will we follow not our Savior.

Then the Lord spoke to me and said, "You better because i have thought about other women in my mind that way.

See her as Jesus sees you and me and this world.

I told my wife I was sorry for anyhing Ive done to make her ferl she needed to go somewhere else to find comfort. Dont expect any apoloy in return just ask her to forgive you.

I did that a a week ago and we are speaking without anger to each other.
Pray and comsider how we are being transformed by his Spirit.
Dont worry pal. Gid wull help us no matter how it turns out.
God bless you and all thise you hold dear

 

[Tenchi]

Hi all,
I've always known that some things were off in my marriage (20 years), and have even made half-joking comments about how she is acting like a lesbian. About 4 months ago, a series of conversations made it very, very real: my wife is not heterosexual and has a clear preference for women.

Then she needs to come to a saving faith in Jesus Christ who can transform her, making her a "new creature" in himself, free from the darkness and bondage of such sin.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10
9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,
10 nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.

2 Corinthians 5:17
17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

I asked her to see an LGBTQ counselor.

She doesn't need an LGBTQ counselor, she needs Christ as her Savior and Lord.

How was she to know? She had no idea what her preferences were and I can imagine the internal torment and sacrifice of masquerading as a straight wife to a guy like me. I stopped initiating sexual contact, and have had to back away from other forms of intimacy as well. I've been living in the basement to avoid temptation and her irrational anger.

??? Your wife is not, by God's design, a lesbian. If she has taken up a perverse sexual interest in women, God says why in His word:

Romans 1:18-28
18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness,
19 because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them.
20 For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse.
21 For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened.
22 Professing to be wise, they became fools,
23 and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures.
24 Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonored among them.
25 For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.
26 For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural,
27 and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error.
28 And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper,

You have capitulated to depravity in separating yourself from your wife as you have done, accommodating her sin as though it is a good thing. If your wife persists along the line of sexual depravity she has adopted, corruption, delusion and death await, as God has promised.

Romans 6:23
23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

James 1:13-16
13 Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God"; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone.
14 But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.
15 Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.
16 Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren.

The second month of waiting brought me to a place of hopelessness and despair. Not knowing who I married, not knowing if my observations are correct or if I am just being an idiot, not knowing if our situation will ever change, but knowing that neither of our needs are being met and we are both miserable.

God never intended marriage to exist apart from Him as its Center and Foundation. When He does not occupy such a place in a marriage, it cannot be the wonder and joy it's supposed to be. What your marriage needs, then, what you both need, is God in charge, ruling over you both as individuals and over your marriage.

James 4:6-10
6 But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "God is opposed to the proud but gives grace to the humble."
7 Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
9 Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.
10 Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.

Romans 12:1
1 Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.

Romans 6:12-13
12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts,
13 and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God.

The third month of waiting brought me to anger and resentment. How dare she use me as a cover story, and simply accept that marital obligation justifies a lifetime of unhappiness! She has been in emotional affairs with women for years, while I have been suffocating both physically and emotionally! Since I wasn't getting answers from her, I had to turn to friends and online support groups. I am getting a resounding, unanimous response from 20+ people in different venues: she is lesbian and will never come out of her closet. In addition, they are using words such as "toxic" and "abusive" to describe how she treats me (and at times, our children).

Who cares what mere, sin-cursed, naturally-selfish people have to say? What matters is what God says.

Ephesians 5:25-29
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails...
Colossians 3:19

19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.

She strives to honor God above all else and is a leader in women's ministry. She needs this marriage to support the platform she is teaching. She is doing great things.

If she is truly secretly harboring lesbian thoughts and feelings, she cannot possibly "be doing great things" - not as far as God is concerned. "If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me," the Bible says (Psalm 66:18). There is no way to "honor God" and live as the two of you are doing. Both of you are in the wrong (though, in different ways) and are suffering the consequences in your marriage. Until, in humble submission to God's will and way, you both return to Him, His ears are deaf to your prayers and His face is turned away from you both.

1 Peter 3:10-12
10 For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit;
11 let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it.
12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

Your wife might benefit greatly from the books written by former lesbian, Rosaria Butterfield. She came out of a well-established lesbian lifestyle and under the authority of her Maker and has written extensively about doing so. She has been in a happy, heterosexual marriage for some time now, bearing children and walking with God.

 

[LonelyDude]

Thank you both for your thoughts and comments. I do not question her salvation. If she truly has an orientation issue, I believe she is denying it to herself, and therefore believes there is nothing to repent. I am trying to help her come to a place where she can examine her own heart.

 

[journeymanisnothing]

. I am trying to help her come to a place where she can examine her own heart.

Brother, she will find that place as you folllow Our Lord. She will see him in you. "you" can only help anyone by letting our gentle Savior help you.
That has been my experience. Please stay here and we can learn from each other through Christ.

 

[LonelyDude]

journeyman: Ghaghhh, why did you have to challenge me like this??? [Sigh] OK, you are right. Regardless of what I suspect and how I feel, I have the responsibility to follow Christ's lead. Acceptance, submission, as He directs.... All things will work out in their own time, and I am seeking answers because I think they will give me peace, in lieu of seeking peace from the Lord. [Heavy sigh]

 

[journeymanisnothing]

journeyman: Ghaghhh, why did you have to challenge me like this???

Because you and I and your wife along with the rest of humanity begin life blameless in the eyes of our loving Father. We go along in this world, first being hurt and learn to hurt others. and He wants us to take a walk back to Him.

[Sigh] OK, you are right.

No bro I'm a train wreck along with you your wife and the rest of mankind.. We've all wandered away from him

Regardless of what I suspect and how I feel, I have the responsibility to follow Christ's lead.

I agree, but we can't do that unless (regardless of how we feel, we truly know what Jesus said and how God feels about it.

Acceptance, submission, as He directs.... All things will work out in their own time, and I am seeking answers because I think they will give me peace, in lieu of seeking peace from the Lord. [Heavy sigh]

I fully agree with you on this. If you really mean what you say we can continue readoning together with God about what His word really says.
I want us to challenge each other so that when we a question we get a logical answer.

These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word withall readiness of mind, AND searched the scriptures daily,whether those things were so. Act.17:11

I went to a church where if I disagreed with their doctrine the only way was the highway. Shut up or get out. I left.

If you still want to continue our talk I'm all in. If not we can part as friends. Let me know.

 

[evenifigoalone]

Is it possible she's aromantic asexual? Just throwing that out there. Lesbian/gay and straight aren't the only sexual and romantic orientations.

 

[follower]

I have the responsibility to follow Christ's lead. Acceptance, submission, as He directs.... All things will work out in their own time, and I am seeking answers because I think they will give me peace, in lieu of seeking peace from the Lord.

Why "in lieu of" ? Does that mean here in this statement "instead of" seeking peace from the Lord ?

One footnote though: Many multitudes have seemingly sought peace, or joy, or healing, or comfort, or discipline , or training,
instead of seeking Jesus Himself. He is all in all for us, according to all Scripture. Relax, give up on religion that cannot help, if any reliance has been on religion, and come to Jesus, Jesus Says He Never refuses anyone who comes to Him !
Do not stress nor strain about your wife. Be calm, be in prayer, be in Scripture, be in Harmony with Jesus and talk with Jesus a lot every day, and do not ignore your wife but care for her and talk with her a lot also, God Willing....

 

[LonelyDude]

Thank you all, and you are all right. I have been in a poor emotional state for the last few days and I think it came across in my desperation and argumentative posts.
I need to surrender myself to the Lord's will, and His design for my place in this family. When they see me, they should be seeing a small glimpse of Him. I have been failing them.
Thank you for your support.

 

[D-D-W]

Then she needs to come to a saving faith in Jesus Christ who can transform her, making her a "new creature" in himself, free from the darkness and bondage of such sin.

It is wildly inappropriate to judge whether someone who professes Christ is actually saved or not. There is a process of one on one discipleship called for in Matt 28 and other places in the NT. This is to take place AFTER salvation. Counseling (as long as it is biblical) can be a vital part of that.

 

[Tenchi]

It is wildly inappropriate to judge whether someone who professes Christ is actually saved or not. There is a process of one on one discipleship called for in Matt 28 and other places in the NT. This is to take place AFTER salvation. Counseling (as long as it is biblical) can be a vital part of that.

2 Corinthians 13:5-6
5 Test yourselves to see if you are in the faith; examine yourselves! Or do you not recognize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you—unless indeed you fail the test?
6 But I trust that you will realize that we ourselves do not fail the test.

2 Corinthians 11:26
26 I have been on frequent journeys, in dangers... among false brethren;

Galatians 2:4
4 But it was because of the false brethren secretly brought in, who had sneaked in to spy out our liberty which we have in Christ Jesus, in order to bring us into bondage.

2 Peter 2:1
1 But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will also be false teachers among you, who will secretly introduce destructive heresies...

Jude 1:19-20
19 These are the ones who cause divisions, worldly-minded, devoid of the Spirit.
20 But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit,

1 John 4:5-6
5 They are from the world; therefore they speak as from the world, and the world listens to them.
6 We are from God; he who knows God listens to us; he who is not from God does not listen to us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error.

1 John 2:18-19
18 Children, it is the last hour; and just as you heard that antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have appeared; from this we know that it is the last hour.
19 They went out from us, but they were not really of us; for if they had been of us, they would have remained with us; but they went out, so that it would be shown that they all are not of us.

And so on.

 

[evenifigoalone]

I'm curious what your reasons are for thinking she's a lesbian? Is it only because of lack of apparent attraction to you?
If that is the only reason, please consider what I mentioned about asexuality as a possibility

 

[Zeth4500]

thats incredibly silly- shes a leader?

'I do not permit a woman to teach or have authority over a man; she must be quiet.'
1 Timothy 2:12:

ok so lets address her appearing christian but first up engaging in infidelity, adultery and even homosexuality, and risking you break her bond with you and not safeguarding you as much as she can. her body belongs to you and yours to hers through marriage- i dont know what to say to help you, after divorce her having any form of sex will curse you as you live in crossfire for her sins i believe.

what you might wanna do is get her a bloodtest and have her hormones checked
maybe giving her progesterone can help, its a hormone thats found guilty of making men want to be penetrated and responsible for many bodybuilders turning gay, this might help. thereafter she might need something to reduce testosterone and something to increase estrogen- i believe homosexuality is practically always a hormonal problem, apart from the brains circuits having been reinforced to the point where its difficult to go against the grain

ontop of that, feminism which seems to be something shes engaging in, has roots in satanism and a very particular minority that does some very unchristly things, namely attempting to destroy the west through homosexuality and other degeneracy

im very sorry to hear you married this person, their actions are in my world unforgivable and does not at all reflect someone who deserves to get married.

 

[mtrandy]

I would just say to her, okay, prove it to me that your a lesbian!

 

[D-D-W]

thats incredibly silly- shes a leader?
'I do not permit a woman to teach or have authority over a man; she must be quiet.'
1 Timothy 2:12:

OP says she is a leader of the womens ministry. And Paul specifically instructs older women to teach younger women.

ok so lets address her appearing christian but first up engaging in infidelity, adultery and even homosexuality,

OP never said that she was doing any of that. Only that her desires were for women. Stop judging her for your thoughts of what she was doing.

im very sorry to hear you married this person, their actions are in my world unforgivable and does not at all reflect someone who deserves to get married.

The only thing "unforgivable" in God's world is blaspheming the Holy Spirit, and having a same sex attraction is not that. If God can forgive something, we should also. That would include same sex attraction and even homosexual activity.

 

[follower]

That would include

Possibly.... yet remember clearly there are no perverts in heaven.
So if someone is a pervert here on earth,
they must change, repent, be saved, same as any law-breaker sinner thief greedy selfish etc etc etc ...
as remember there is no one who is greedy in heaven either.... (does this mean few landlords?) ... yes, few of anybody on earth... as written in unchangeable Jesus Words.

 

[follower]

Only that her desires were for women.

Jesus says that if A mAN looks at and desires (changed to lusts in later translations) a woman here on earth, in his heart, he has alrady committed adultery.
Thus much stricter than Moses Law/ Torah.

 

[D-D-W]

Jesus says that if A mAN looks at and desires (changed to lusts in later translations) a woman here on earth, in his heart, he has alrady committed adultery.
Thus much stricter than Moses Law/ Torah.

Don't rely too much on english translations. The word translated "lust" or "desire" in Matt 5.28 is epithumeo which means any strong desire, good or bad. Actually, the best translation here IMO would be "covet" since that word is used for in the 10 commandments for covet in the Septuagint. (greek translation of the OT circa 280 bc) It is translated that way wherever Paul used it in his letters. So the Mosaic law says this:

Exodus 20:17
“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife or his male servant or his female servant or his ox or his donkey or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

So our Lord is saying almost exactly what the Mosaic law said. He actually tied coveting with adultery; and to covet is a lot more than just enjoying a view. It means you want to take the object as your own.

 

[D-D-W]

Possibly.... yet remember clearly there are no perverts in heaven.
So if someone is a pervert here on earth,
they must change, repent, be saved, same as any law-breaker sinner thief greedy selfish etc etc etc ...
as remember there is no one who is greedy in heaven either.... (does this mean few landlords?) ... yes, few of anybody on earth... as written in unchangeable Jesus Words.

IMO you are confusing the distinction between "unforgiven" and "unforgivable."
The first means that a sin CAN be forgiven if a person repents, but has not yet done so.
The second means that even if a person tries to repent, it can NEVER be forgiven.
Big difference.