I never meant to lose all faith. I was a dedicated christian most of my life, though my faith evolved over the years. I attended bible college, did missions, taught Sunday School during my 20's to about 31. I stopped all of that when I stopped being or say I started having heavy conflicts with my very fundamental church. I left, but didn't quit on the faith, in fact I spent much time over the next 15 years in deep study, trying to figure out what true faith was. Still, much of my life was just being me, hard worker and family man. My faith was there during these years with moments of deep search.
About 8 years ago my wife was in a car wreck that left her somewhat disabled, two years after that I was stricken with a nerve disease. I was told it would progress and eventually get bad, the last two years it's become brutal. The illness I have is considered the most painful on the "medical pain scale".
Lost jobs, med insurance, then Doctors, meds, etc.. Our family was upper middle class. To get help medicare requires you basically go into poverty, which took us about two years after savings.... You can fill in the pieces, lot's of heartbreak. This week my wife and son had to move out to go live with her sister and I live in a foreclosed home waiting for my notice to get out. I barely get by, have gone hungry. What lil I make is selling 25 years of stuff on Ebay.
I don't want to turn this into a sob story. I'm sure like most when I was hit with my nerve disease I turned to God, tried to be a perfect christian in hopes God would help with just life. That lasted about a year when I realised I was just trying to trade goodness for help, simply wanting to use God when things were bad, but we know that is common. I went searching again trying to figure out God and faith. Many issues have always bothered me about God, such as suffering, pain, eternal torture...why is this world filled with so much cruelty. God could stop it, but for most it's just silence. Even long ago in missions, tribes that converted to christianity I saw kids suffer terribly, hunger, no shelter, meds,..nothing. I was always taught God would supply basic needs, but saw these loving christians suffer and die terribly from lack of needs. I have never been able to reconcile this.
Over the last five years I've searched, studied, prayed, trying to understand. I thought somehow things for my family would work out, but they didn't. I never blamed God, I know many have it worse, but I wanted to make sense of it...I cant. I think I became very bitter, but my search ended up leaving me almost an atheist. I honestly don't know what I believe. Not that I'm a Mother Teresa, but having read her works she almost declared outright athiesm before she died. I guess when you hold and watch 1000's of kids die in your arms that can happen.
I am much like her in that sense.
I am and have been very suicidal. I think last night was close. The illness is brutal and I barely got by when I had med insurance and I was on the strongest narcotics. Understand I don't want to die, I just can't live. As bad as the pain is I think the emotional turmoil is worse, losing my family, utter poverty. Even now I have no power and plugged into the neighbors shed with dropcords all over the house and cook on a wood stove, right in the middle of a nice neighborhood and hardly anyone has a clue.
I wish I could grasp some faith, but it ever eludes me. Why is God so silent during suffering? Sure, I know the many and common responses, doctrinal arguments, etc....it still doesn't add up.
I would just like a lil faith. Even though I'm rather hard now to most things, I would like to die with faith. I question if I die not believing how would God see me if he exists, the person I once was or the person I am now.
About 8 years ago my wife was in a car wreck that left her somewhat disabled, two years after that I was stricken with a nerve disease. I was told it would progress and eventually get bad, the last two years it's become brutal. The illness I have is considered the most painful on the "medical pain scale".
Lost jobs, med insurance, then Doctors, meds, etc.. Our family was upper middle class. To get help medicare requires you basically go into poverty, which took us about two years after savings.... You can fill in the pieces, lot's of heartbreak. This week my wife and son had to move out to go live with her sister and I live in a foreclosed home waiting for my notice to get out. I barely get by, have gone hungry. What lil I make is selling 25 years of stuff on Ebay.
I don't want to turn this into a sob story. I'm sure like most when I was hit with my nerve disease I turned to God, tried to be a perfect christian in hopes God would help with just life. That lasted about a year when I realised I was just trying to trade goodness for help, simply wanting to use God when things were bad, but we know that is common. I went searching again trying to figure out God and faith. Many issues have always bothered me about God, such as suffering, pain, eternal torture...why is this world filled with so much cruelty. God could stop it, but for most it's just silence. Even long ago in missions, tribes that converted to christianity I saw kids suffer terribly, hunger, no shelter, meds,..nothing. I was always taught God would supply basic needs, but saw these loving christians suffer and die terribly from lack of needs. I have never been able to reconcile this.
Over the last five years I've searched, studied, prayed, trying to understand. I thought somehow things for my family would work out, but they didn't. I never blamed God, I know many have it worse, but I wanted to make sense of it...I cant. I think I became very bitter, but my search ended up leaving me almost an atheist. I honestly don't know what I believe. Not that I'm a Mother Teresa, but having read her works she almost declared outright athiesm before she died. I guess when you hold and watch 1000's of kids die in your arms that can happen.
I am much like her in that sense.
I am and have been very suicidal. I think last night was close. The illness is brutal and I barely got by when I had med insurance and I was on the strongest narcotics. Understand I don't want to die, I just can't live. As bad as the pain is I think the emotional turmoil is worse, losing my family, utter poverty. Even now I have no power and plugged into the neighbors shed with dropcords all over the house and cook on a wood stove, right in the middle of a nice neighborhood and hardly anyone has a clue.
I wish I could grasp some faith, but it ever eludes me. Why is God so silent during suffering? Sure, I know the many and common responses, doctrinal arguments, etc....it still doesn't add up.
I would just like a lil faith. Even though I'm rather hard now to most things, I would like to die with faith. I question if I die not believing how would God see me if he exists, the person I once was or the person I am now.